zee11

So I finally had the courage to move out. It was so hard, he cried, made me feel incredibly guilt. I ended up staying an extra night but something in my mind said too much is too much.

It`s been a few days now, and after unpacking and spending 2 nights working on 3 essays (I was behind on work), I am beginning to feel quite lonely and like I have made the wrong choice. Maybe that letter he wrote me was serious (a promise to not drink heavily), and maybe this was the push needed...

How do I get past this?

thank you for your continued support

littlesister1

Just give yourself (and him) space and time.

More will be revealed

LexieCat

No matter how sincerely he meant his promise not to drink heavily, he won't be able to keep it. You might try asking that question over on the "Alcoholics" or "Newcomers" forum--whether there is a chance he'll be able to keep that promise.

Everyone is lonely at first after a breakup. It doesn't mean you've made a mistake. It only means you were used to having someone around and now your life feels uncomfortable and unfamiliar.

If you want to know how loneliness REALLY feels, move back in with him and give it a little time. In my own experience NOTHING is as lonely as living with an active alcoholic.

BoxinRotz

Of course he wants you to feel incredible guilt for leaving! You were his soft spot to land when he was done beibg a drunk, looking at other women n feeling bad for himself. Why in the hell would he want to lose that?!


You have to understand that King Baby has walked, lived and survived for 40 years on this eart WITHOUT you. He does not need you to cook, clean n coddle him even though it suits him, him, him! But ask yourself.... What about YOU???!!!!!

LadyinBC

Don't second guess your decision, quite frankly, I think you made the right one. And this is coming from an alcoholic.

Don't buy into the "I promise not to drink heavily". It's quacking and it is bullcrap. It is more like I will do better to hide it so you don't notice. Believe me it will get worse, that is how us alcoholics roll.

You really can't control what he does. He needs to want to be sober for himself and he wants to want it. That is what it was like for me.

You are young and have your whole life ahead of you, don't get sucked up into this cycle. Just my honest opinion.

barelybreathing

You made the right choice to leave. I was nc for 3 weeks after I left my xabf. He showed up at my door saying he wanted to get help, sorry for everything and this time it will be different. Well, I fell for it hook line and sinker and it took him exactly 2 hrs to decide no rehab and that he didn't need help at all. It took him 3 days to get blackout drunk and hit me again. I have now been nc for 4 days and I am trying to get back to where I was emotionally before I fell for his act. It's so hard to stand your ground because you want so very much to believe that this time will be different. But please know until HE is truly ready to get help, things will never get better only worse. Hugs to you and if you need anything I am here.

DoPerdition

This was 100% my thought as well. At 22, I was young, gullible and I put up with way too much in bad relationships for far too long. A healthy and normal 40 year old man will not have much in common with a 22 year old. I also agree that chances are, his family is absolutely devastated that he is off drinking himself to death with a very young woman.

I hate to say it, but for you this is a real relationship but for him this could just be another escape. I wouldn't count on him even being around if he does decide to get sober.

I hope that didn't come off as rude. I mean it in the kindest way possible. You deserve someone who has the same goals in life and will age and grow with you.

happycampers

Great advice from many Experienced people here - please take it - for YOUR sake ! You don't need to dampen your life anymore with someone who clearly doesn't want to grow like you do ! Keep doing what you're doing for yourself and you'll meet someone swimming in the same stream , even if he/she is just a friend, right now. Your lonliness can to met with healthy friends at this point. Coming here and expressing helps alot too.

CodeJob

Glad to hear you have moved on Zee! His attempts at pulling you back in, you can ignore or wish him the best working on his addiction issues without you as a distraction.

Jenibean87

Geeze this is familiar to me. I've been there. I think the bottom line is very simple: daily, he chooses alcohol over you. This is unsustainable for a relationship. You know in your heart that you deserve more out of a partner. I think maybe you are just scared to put yourself first and get your needs met by leaving a messed up situation and deciding that you are worthy of a better, more equal, loving, healthy partner.

Things will never get better unless he gets sober, and he will never get sober until he wants it badly enough. Sorry. Ultimatums aren't going to do it. He needs to be desperate enough to want sobriety over anything else in life, even you.

I am glad to hear you left. Break ups and hard and sad, no matter the circumstances. Maybe you can feel happy you gave yourself the respect you deserve by demonstrating that this behavior is unacceptable in a partner. Or maybe you can feel happy that he may get a chance to get that gift of desperation one day.

Stay strong.