Hello, from the family loser
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Denver
Posts: 244
Hello, from the family loser
Hi, 13 days sober here.
Long post.. please read and help!!
This evening I drove an hour and a half to have a big family dinner. I have been dreading this dinner for a couple of days now. I just learned that my cousin from Texas is considering moving his family either to my city, or to a town close to Denver where I live. Because they rarely make it to Colorado to visit, my immediate family and my extended family, who live in the Denver area, all decided to drive to Loveland and have a fancy dinner at a steakhouse. There were 12 of us and we all sat down at a really nice (really expensive) restaurant.
I was the last one to arrive, and when I walked in, I yelled "Heyo!!" and the whole family was quick to give me an enthusiastic and loving greeting. I had interrupted the server's spiel and everybody was saying hi to me. My Texas cousin even got up from the other end of the table, and came all the way around to give me a hug! Meanwhile the server had to step away and allow for the commotion. Yes, they all love me, and I know that.
The problem is, I can barely stand to look any of them in the eye. None of these people are alcoholics or addicts. They are ALL successful. All but one of them have post-graduate degrees. I'm talking lawyers, doctors, CPAs, Banking presidents, multi-business owners, and statistical analysts. (Don't worry though, because ONLY 1 of them is a MULTI-Millionaire.) And me..a constant loser.
So the meal begins by the waitress bringing out six complimentary bottles of wine to the table. Everyone but me and the two underage kids fill a glass (I ordered an Ice Tea). What a loser I am, all of these people will enjoy a nice glass or two of complementary wine and then calmly leave unfinished bottles and half finished glasses at the table, and just walk away without a second thought about it. But not me.. it's Ice Tea for this A$$hole
So I struggle to converse while we eat. Luckily I sit across from my 15 year old cousin who was like a daughter to me.(I say she WAS like a daughter to me because I no longer feel comfortable around her, as I know she really loves me and looks up to me as an adult role-model , and I don't want her life to be tainted by my failures as an example).
Then a blessing; My cousin's 11 year old daughter walks by me to talk to her mommy. I have only met this little girl once, a few years ago, at a wedding (Which of course I was drunk at). I immediately latch on to her (Because I feel like I love her SOOO much) and I want her to have a memory of me. Well this little girl freakin ROCKS!! She is so sweet and awesome and beautiful and great and smart and sassy and I love her and I'm proud of her! (She got "A"s and "B"s in school). She came and sat by me and we talked and laughed and she showed me her instagram with pics of her dogs and cat and friends and stuff! I was so glad she bonded with me because I love her and because I know she is too young to realize what a loser I am. It was wonderful.
Then the bill came. I had ordered the cheapest meal on the menu and a freakin glass of Ice Tea... 40 Bucks!!! I only had 20. I was hoping that it would be one consolidated bill and I could cough up my 20 and slip through the cracks on the total tally, but no. Separate checks. So everybody slid their platinum cards into their bills with lightning quickness, and handed them to the waitress. So with the waitress standing over my shoulder, I had to interrupt everyone's conversation and while everyone looked at me, ask my mom, who was at the way other end of the table, to give me her credit card because I couldn't pay my bill.. W-T-F
My uncle would not even make eye contact with me after that, and he left without even saying goodbye to me.
Anyway. The meal ended, much hugs and "I love yous" took place, (including to and from me). And we all went our separate way.
Well at least I am now officially BFFs with my cousin's daughter.
P.S. When I got home, my cousin texted me saying that she said that I was her favorite, and that they love me and it was good to see me.
Sigh... I hate myself
Thanks
Long post.. please read and help!!
This evening I drove an hour and a half to have a big family dinner. I have been dreading this dinner for a couple of days now. I just learned that my cousin from Texas is considering moving his family either to my city, or to a town close to Denver where I live. Because they rarely make it to Colorado to visit, my immediate family and my extended family, who live in the Denver area, all decided to drive to Loveland and have a fancy dinner at a steakhouse. There were 12 of us and we all sat down at a really nice (really expensive) restaurant.
I was the last one to arrive, and when I walked in, I yelled "Heyo!!" and the whole family was quick to give me an enthusiastic and loving greeting. I had interrupted the server's spiel and everybody was saying hi to me. My Texas cousin even got up from the other end of the table, and came all the way around to give me a hug! Meanwhile the server had to step away and allow for the commotion. Yes, they all love me, and I know that.
The problem is, I can barely stand to look any of them in the eye. None of these people are alcoholics or addicts. They are ALL successful. All but one of them have post-graduate degrees. I'm talking lawyers, doctors, CPAs, Banking presidents, multi-business owners, and statistical analysts. (Don't worry though, because ONLY 1 of them is a MULTI-Millionaire.) And me..a constant loser.
So the meal begins by the waitress bringing out six complimentary bottles of wine to the table. Everyone but me and the two underage kids fill a glass (I ordered an Ice Tea). What a loser I am, all of these people will enjoy a nice glass or two of complementary wine and then calmly leave unfinished bottles and half finished glasses at the table, and just walk away without a second thought about it. But not me.. it's Ice Tea for this A$$hole
So I struggle to converse while we eat. Luckily I sit across from my 15 year old cousin who was like a daughter to me.(I say she WAS like a daughter to me because I no longer feel comfortable around her, as I know she really loves me and looks up to me as an adult role-model , and I don't want her life to be tainted by my failures as an example).
Then a blessing; My cousin's 11 year old daughter walks by me to talk to her mommy. I have only met this little girl once, a few years ago, at a wedding (Which of course I was drunk at). I immediately latch on to her (Because I feel like I love her SOOO much) and I want her to have a memory of me. Well this little girl freakin ROCKS!! She is so sweet and awesome and beautiful and great and smart and sassy and I love her and I'm proud of her! (She got "A"s and "B"s in school). She came and sat by me and we talked and laughed and she showed me her instagram with pics of her dogs and cat and friends and stuff! I was so glad she bonded with me because I love her and because I know she is too young to realize what a loser I am. It was wonderful.
Then the bill came. I had ordered the cheapest meal on the menu and a freakin glass of Ice Tea... 40 Bucks!!! I only had 20. I was hoping that it would be one consolidated bill and I could cough up my 20 and slip through the cracks on the total tally, but no. Separate checks. So everybody slid their platinum cards into their bills with lightning quickness, and handed them to the waitress. So with the waitress standing over my shoulder, I had to interrupt everyone's conversation and while everyone looked at me, ask my mom, who was at the way other end of the table, to give me her credit card because I couldn't pay my bill.. W-T-F
My uncle would not even make eye contact with me after that, and he left without even saying goodbye to me.
Anyway. The meal ended, much hugs and "I love yous" took place, (including to and from me). And we all went our separate way.
Well at least I am now officially BFFs with my cousin's daughter.
P.S. When I got home, my cousin texted me saying that she said that I was her favorite, and that they love me and it was good to see me.
Sigh... I hate myself
Thanks
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
My self image and self perception got a lot better after I was sober a while Chilly.
I spent years feeling like the family failure. Now I realise it doesn't matter what my brother and sister do, how much money they have or what they or my parents think of me.
I have a good life, a meaningful life and I'm happy.
Personally, those are the only boxes I need ticked
D
I spent years feeling like the family failure. Now I realise it doesn't matter what my brother and sister do, how much money they have or what they or my parents think of me.
I have a good life, a meaningful life and I'm happy.
Personally, those are the only boxes I need ticked
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Wellington, NZ
Posts: 250
Greetings from one loser to another :=]
A big part of me wants to tell you that emphatically you're not a loser, but I can so totally relate to how you're feeling. I get really really nervous about people even asking that hideous question "So what are you doing?"
I guess the thing is what lens are we looking at this through? There is really a whole lot more to life than qualifications, income and platinum Amexs. There's how you carry yourself, how you meet the challenges you're faced with, how much authenticity you bring to this thing called 'human.'
I know it's freaking hard, and my instinctive thing to do to is to judge myself on very harsh and superficial grounds, too. I guess we've just got to keep reminding ourselves what we've got and what we've achieved. It might not be so obvious as being the CEO of MegaBrilliant Corp, but it's not stuff you can just ignore so easily.
Your cousin's daughter sounds great. Funny that a kid provided the only up side to an otherwise withering experience :=] Take care.
A big part of me wants to tell you that emphatically you're not a loser, but I can so totally relate to how you're feeling. I get really really nervous about people even asking that hideous question "So what are you doing?"
I guess the thing is what lens are we looking at this through? There is really a whole lot more to life than qualifications, income and platinum Amexs. There's how you carry yourself, how you meet the challenges you're faced with, how much authenticity you bring to this thing called 'human.'
I know it's freaking hard, and my instinctive thing to do to is to judge myself on very harsh and superficial grounds, too. I guess we've just got to keep reminding ourselves what we've got and what we've achieved. It might not be so obvious as being the CEO of MegaBrilliant Corp, but it's not stuff you can just ignore so easily.
Your cousin's daughter sounds great. Funny that a kid provided the only up side to an otherwise withering experience :=] Take care.
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
Chilly, 13 days is really something to be proud of. The start of something better than before, for you.
With 13 days of clear eyes I was checking out the landscape and boy, I did not like what I saw. Pretty much everywhere I looked. And I felt generally unsettled and agitated. There's a reason your hackles are up. Its probably because you are noticing everything right now. Feeling vulnerable to the things you notice.
Don't forget that while it is uncomfortable now, I promise you that you are moving forward, upward and outward. So then you can turn inward and focus on Chilly! Remember that drinking alcohol keeps you down, a place where you do not want to be.
The negative self-talk is so hurtful to you...try to be kind to yourself. Kids have a certain lightness of being precisely because they have their priorities in order. They soak up love, attention and appreciate being regarded and respected. Kids are in the moment and so are you. Stay there. You are doing a great job.
With 13 days of clear eyes I was checking out the landscape and boy, I did not like what I saw. Pretty much everywhere I looked. And I felt generally unsettled and agitated. There's a reason your hackles are up. Its probably because you are noticing everything right now. Feeling vulnerable to the things you notice.
Don't forget that while it is uncomfortable now, I promise you that you are moving forward, upward and outward. So then you can turn inward and focus on Chilly! Remember that drinking alcohol keeps you down, a place where you do not want to be.
The negative self-talk is so hurtful to you...try to be kind to yourself. Kids have a certain lightness of being precisely because they have their priorities in order. They soak up love, attention and appreciate being regarded and respected. Kids are in the moment and so are you. Stay there. You are doing a great job.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: london uk
Posts: 261
Hi chilly, I think you should congratulate yourself for getting to the meal. (I would have caved and stayed home.)
And for remaining open, charming and receptive.
You can't know what hidden problems or stresses other people face. As a group they provably seem formidable but they're all individual people with different things going on.
The tools, strength and pride from your sobriety will stand you in good stead I am sure
Thank you for your post. I relate all too well.
And for remaining open, charming and receptive.
You can't know what hidden problems or stresses other people face. As a group they provably seem formidable but they're all individual people with different things going on.
The tools, strength and pride from your sobriety will stand you in good stead I am sure
Thank you for your post. I relate all too well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Denver
Posts: 244
I think one of the reasons it's so hard, is because it's an event that lies out of the comfort zone that I've built for myself.
In my years of drinking, I've chosen to surround myself with people who just need another drink to be happy. And I became complacent in that.
I'm looking forward to working towards climbing out of my hole, and bringing myself up instead of constantly tearing myself down.
Maybe?
In my years of drinking, I've chosen to surround myself with people who just need another drink to be happy. And I became complacent in that.
I'm looking forward to working towards climbing out of my hole, and bringing myself up instead of constantly tearing myself down.
Maybe?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Denver
Posts: 244
Thanks Dee.
I've been thinking about it. I have a cousin in L.A. that isn't really on his feet right now. I don't think he has an addiction problem.
But when I think about him, I don't care about his money or accomplishments.. I know the person he is and I love him because of that, regardless of his socioeconomic standing.
Thanks
I've been thinking about it. I have a cousin in L.A. that isn't really on his feet right now. I don't think he has an addiction problem.
But when I think about him, I don't care about his money or accomplishments.. I know the person he is and I love him because of that, regardless of his socioeconomic standing.
Thanks
Life is an unlikely miracle.
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
Posts: 1,859
Chilly, stop beating yourself up ,right now !! You went to the meal, you did not drink !
That in itself is a huge victory.
No one around that table knew how much it took for you to even show up.
Take it one step at a time, my friend. You can change anything you don't like in your life,(and that is a personal choice, not dictated by others' standards) but for now, be proud that you are sober. x
That in itself is a huge victory.
No one around that table knew how much it took for you to even show up.
Take it one step at a time, my friend. You can change anything you don't like in your life,(and that is a personal choice, not dictated by others' standards) but for now, be proud that you are sober. x
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
Chilly I read your post and nowhere could I see that you had been a loser at this family dinner. You were the last to arrive so the server had to stop his spiel -- someone had to arrive last and it sounds like people were glad to see you. You didn't drink the complimentary wine? How does this make you a loser? You didn't have enough cash on you so you asked your Mom to help out. It happens to all of us.
As for your uncle not making eye contact at the end, how do you know that was about you and/r the bill? He may have had indigestion, an unzipped fly, he may have been preoccupied, he may have wanted to get home.
Chilly at 13 days you went to a big family event, stayed sober and saw people who were glad to see you. You sound like a winner to me.
As for your uncle not making eye contact at the end, how do you know that was about you and/r the bill? He may have had indigestion, an unzipped fly, he may have been preoccupied, he may have wanted to get home.
Chilly at 13 days you went to a big family event, stayed sober and saw people who were glad to see you. You sound like a winner to me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Sorry dude. I need to disagree with you. Maybe you have some bad experiences in your past, I don't know as I am new to the site, but the situation you described most certainly does not make you a loser. Actually you sound nice to me and the decent attention you received is no accident.
Don't bother with the platinum card, millionaire cr*p. I have met many rich guys and gals in my time and I would say 50%+ are both more miserable than you and also not as genuinely decent. Just stay cool, stay off the drink and the rest will come.
As for the whole splitting bill thing....I could tell you stories that would make your toes curl. Not an issue.
Don't bother with the platinum card, millionaire cr*p. I have met many rich guys and gals in my time and I would say 50%+ are both more miserable than you and also not as genuinely decent. Just stay cool, stay off the drink and the rest will come.
As for the whole splitting bill thing....I could tell you stories that would make your toes curl. Not an issue.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 56
Actually I think the fact you took the time to connect with your little cousin is a far more impressive feat than flashing platinum credit cards! That shows your character and kids pick up on it a lot more than adults do. You took the time to make her visit a memorable one and that memory will be with her for a very long time. I doubt anyone else there accomplished anything close to that.
And for everyone here on SR we know what a difficult thing you were able to do just to get there.
And for everyone here on SR we know what a difficult thing you were able to do just to get there.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Southern Oregon U.S.
Posts: 1,023
Dude, I'm 33, in school, my dad supports me financially. Do I feel super stoked about that, no! But I'm working towards improving things. Are you out robbing and hurting people? If not, you're okay in my book! Ice tea btw IS the cool drink. People with their fancy wine and beer, big deal:-) Good job bud, keep up the good work!
-Ted
-Ted
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Sounds to me like your uncle is the loser in the story.
It also sounds to me like your big work in sobriety is coming to terms with your wounds. The ones that leave you criticizing yourself and seeing others as 'better than' and you 'not good enough'. Those will lead you right back into the bottle eventually.
The measure of a human is not the letters in his title or the amount of her credit limit. And it sure as hell isn't whether he chooses to drink poison.
You walked away from that dinner having connected with a young human being sincerely, having honored yourself by honoring your sobriety and having faced being humble when you needed to. You're not a loser, you are courageous and honorable and authentic.
It also sounds to me like your big work in sobriety is coming to terms with your wounds. The ones that leave you criticizing yourself and seeing others as 'better than' and you 'not good enough'. Those will lead you right back into the bottle eventually.
The measure of a human is not the letters in his title or the amount of her credit limit. And it sure as hell isn't whether he chooses to drink poison.
You walked away from that dinner having connected with a young human being sincerely, having honored yourself by honoring your sobriety and having faced being humble when you needed to. You're not a loser, you are courageous and honorable and authentic.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Denver
Posts: 244
Update:
My cousin from Texas and his wife texted me, they want me to hang out with them tomorrow (Monday) and show them around Denver!
Right now I'm plotting and scheming on how I'll convince them to move here!
Hmmm. They're Cowboys fans (Bleh) so I don't think showing them all the BEAUTIFUL Broncos gear is gonna be the ticket.
hmmm....
My cousin from Texas and his wife texted me, they want me to hang out with them tomorrow (Monday) and show them around Denver!
Right now I'm plotting and scheming on how I'll convince them to move here!
Hmmm. They're Cowboys fans (Bleh) so I don't think showing them all the BEAUTIFUL Broncos gear is gonna be the ticket.
hmmm....
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