JimJim

Well, finally rehab tomorrow morning (this morning). Almost four months sober and I hit the self destruct button. I have had so much whiskey I hope I choke and die on my own vomit. I've been like this for fifteen years now, avoiding and afraid of life that is.

It's like a leech on my brain I can't rid myself of. Chronic unhappiness, unfulfilled. I have a passion for all things in life especially learning new things, languages, new cultures, I love it. I feel starved of all this.

At the moment I'm starved of explaining myself, I feel like an anethetised bull. It kicks full of rage, full of energy misspent and going in no direction. Stuck with a whiskey needle.

Yeh, I reckon that's it. Imagine a starved wilder beast tied up and shackled and hidden away, out of sight. It looks forever upon a field of prey, easy pickings.

Can't move though, there's the farmer he wants let me go, set the ropes free. I look like I wanna go but I don't do it, still afraid of what's beyond this stile. I hate those stun guns they use on cattle, I long for it sometimes.


All right, docs in 4 hours To turn up pissed or not to, I was doing well without all that stuff I think, rehab that is. It's like a sell fulfilling prophecy, the more I tell myself I'm f....d the more I am.

Xtreem

Well -

It's seems that f....d, lost, and w/o options is a good place to start.

Hope to hear from you upon your successful return.

Dee74

It's really hard to love yourself when you keep abusing yourself and then beating yourself up for that Jim.

My advice is be as sober as you can for Rehab. Stop drinking now.
Chapter two starts today.

You can do this, mate - I believe you can.

D

Lusher

Hey JimJim- I just wanted to wish you well at rehab. I look forward to seeing you again afterwards.

Hang in there.


Lusher

Chillly

You got this man!!!

Nuudawn

I feel like I've reached my limit for self hatred today. I don't think you were actually doing all that well with that stuff, "rehab that is", Jim....
The dark abscess within reached out and grabbed that bottle today now didn't it? We don't just shrug our shoulders and call it done. You gotta make friends with that hate inside...one way or another.

Go get better Jim. Stop brooding...go bloom.

ScottFromWI

Dee is spot on as usual Jim, just dump the rest and get some rest If you can. Things will be changing for the better soon.

Wastinglife

I know how you are feeling JimJim. 4 years ago, I was a hopeless drunk too. I realized that I couldn't do it alone. I checked myself into rehab for 35 days and came out a new man. Besides a few slips here and there, I have pretty much been leading a sober life since. 11 months since my last relapse which lasted 5 days and even more determined than ever.

You'll be in good hands soon. Let us know how it goes.

awuh1

I think that passion for learning, languages and cultures will help to save you Jim. Put some time together and allow yourself the freedom to really immerse yourself in the things you love.

You won't find the freedom to do that (in depth) till you give up that whiskey bottle.

Do what you truely love.

Marcher13

Jim it's a bit after 7am in your part of the world, I'd say you've got about two hours to take a shower, clean your teeth, put on some clean clothes and get to rehab.

Sulu1

Look after yourself Jim, thinking of you man. Take care

gracetuesday

Jim, sending you peace and courage for your journey! I often think of alcohol as the "club I was beating myself to death with."

See if you can drop the self-hatred for a minute and realize you are doing the best thing possible for yourself!

FreeOwl

Last week a woman in my home group reflected on her personal experience of going to rehab.

She'd managed to have her life in utter ruin and made the choice to go to rehab as a last-ditch effort. She hated herself and had almost lost everything.

She went downstate and checked into a hotel the night before going. She went and got a bottle of scotch. She drank it all.....

She checked in, next morning, still half drunk.

She's been sober over 25 years. She loves life. She is a wonderful light in this world.

Go get it

Soberwolf

Thinking of you jim i agree with D's advice also

TopEndChick

I was half cut when I checked in for my last outpatient detox. It wasn't fun but they looked after me. The important thing is to turn up. All the best to you!

ccam1973

Best wishes jim. You can do this and you need to put everything you've got into it.

Stay strong!

sugarbear1

You can do this and return to the world more you.

Dallow

So much in your post rang true for me too, JimJim. I suppose most of us are very familiar with self-hatred and the circle of destruction it leads us to.

"It's like a leech on my brain I can't rid myself of. Chronic unhappiness, unfulfilled. I have a passion for all things in life especially learning new things, languages, new cultures, I love it. I feel starved of all this."

I am new to recovery myself so I don't know when your passion, or my passion will come back. I just know that it will be lost permanently if I continue drinking.

"avoiding and afraid of life that is."

We must stop avoiding life. I am trying to learn this myself and it's about the hardest thing I done. But I think it's worth it. And you're worth it. I really hope rehab will give you some time to find strenght to work with us on how to live again. I know you will find your passion again!

JimJim

All right, what a prat, enough off the guff. I have had a skin full this morning but let's get practical.

My support worker only works Tues Weds and Thurs so I'll call her tomorrow and try and rearrange this rehab induction( Of which I waited months for only to blow it on the eve).

I had an email from a former work collegue/friend asking on how I was. That's what set this off. Bollucks excuses yeh, I have so much to offer, it's wasting life that's what's so incredibly frustrating. That's why I drank, that's my excuse. I need change, I need big change.

Hawkeye13

You can do it.
Call the support worker and get it arranged.
Keep us posted JimJim.