It's ok not to decide yet
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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It's ok not to decide yet
I'm not sure if I want AH to come home when he gets out next august. I just dont know. He has been sober for one year on the 27th of this month. (edit: He has passed all UAs. There was one "presumptive positive" in the spring that the lab sent back clean) It is true that he always does well when locked in a box. It is also true that he has plenty of access to drugs where he is. I really believe that prison does not remove the addict from drugs, but from enabling. He would rather be sober than get thrown in the hole.
I am not sure that he will stay sober when he gets out. He quacks a lot and says everything on the "things addicts say from jail" sticky. I am in the 10th month of my own recovery (yay!!!) and have eliminated people places and things from my life. Im not so sure I want to throw him back in
Maybe I will ask him to live elsewhere when he first gets out, maybe not. I haven't decided yet. If I don't let him come home... how long will I do that? I dont have that answer either.
I do know that today I will drink my coffee and go to work. I will pick up the kids from the sitter and we are having chicken alfredo for dinner.
My custody battle with my XAH#1 is over! The judge signed the parenting plan and I have been listed as primary residential parent! What a nightmare that has been all summer, but I am glad that I fought and won. I posted a thread last year when AH went in, and expressed my thoughts about being free while he was not. Now I look back and think: I did good. I fought and won the right to raise my children. I found work. Im still here. One day at a time. I am thankful to be free. I am thankful to be here.
Thanks to all who have been there for me ever since day one.
I am not sure that he will stay sober when he gets out. He quacks a lot and says everything on the "things addicts say from jail" sticky. I am in the 10th month of my own recovery (yay!!!) and have eliminated people places and things from my life. Im not so sure I want to throw him back in
Maybe I will ask him to live elsewhere when he first gets out, maybe not. I haven't decided yet. If I don't let him come home... how long will I do that? I dont have that answer either.
I do know that today I will drink my coffee and go to work. I will pick up the kids from the sitter and we are having chicken alfredo for dinner.
My custody battle with my XAH#1 is over! The judge signed the parenting plan and I have been listed as primary residential parent! What a nightmare that has been all summer, but I am glad that I fought and won. I posted a thread last year when AH went in, and expressed my thoughts about being free while he was not. Now I look back and think: I did good. I fought and won the right to raise my children. I found work. Im still here. One day at a time. I am thankful to be free. I am thankful to be here.
Thanks to all who have been there for me ever since day one.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Lily, it is great to read your post. Congratulations on your recovery! And you are so right--there is no need to decide anything right now. Just keep doing what you are doing. As we say here sometimes, "more will be revealed."
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he wants answers now of course :l saying things like "either way it's ok" but I havent decided yet. I'm future tripping. I can see myself getting all worked up because he texts that he has to work late, or sleeps in and then it turns out to be nothing, or turns out to be something... it doesn't matter. What matters is that the thought of him living in the house again stresses me out. He has been out of sight out of mind for so long and I haven't been worrying day to day. No amount of worrying will change anything of course.
I think it's time to re-evaluate my boundaries
I think it's time to re-evaluate my boundaries
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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Of course it is ok not to decide today. And as more times passes what is relevant today may not even be anything that you think too much about, you know?
I think reevaluating your boundaries is an excellent idea. And letting him live elsewhere isn’t such a bad idea either. Isn’t there some type of halfway housing available for those reentering society? This way you can cheer from a far if he does well or stay protected in more ways than one if he doesn’t.
You both will have a lot to deal with relationship wise when he gets out. Taking it slow may be the only way.
Congrats on 10 months Lily that is awesome.
I think reevaluating your boundaries is an excellent idea. And letting him live elsewhere isn’t such a bad idea either. Isn’t there some type of halfway housing available for those reentering society? This way you can cheer from a far if he does well or stay protected in more ways than one if he doesn’t.
You both will have a lot to deal with relationship wise when he gets out. Taking it slow may be the only way.
Congrats on 10 months Lily that is awesome.
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there are so many options for him. I dont even dig them up anymore. Been there done that. he can go back to the Salvation Army. He can go to a halfway house or a sober living house. we live in the city so there's tons of options. teen challenge... he won't end up on the street.
I don't think it would be fair to ask him to do outpatient treatment if he did come home. That should be his idea.
I do know that I will never again live in a house where I cannot float all of the bills by myself.
I don't think it would be fair to ask him to do outpatient treatment if he did come home. That should be his idea.
I do know that I will never again live in a house where I cannot float all of the bills by myself.
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Lily 10 months! You have accomplished much in 10 months!! Impressive.
Of course, the easy part...for him would be to slide right into your life/home after his prison stay.
What would be easy for you? What would give you peace of mind? You are right...no decisions needed today. After all, next August is a ways off.
Of course, the easy part...for him would be to slide right into your life/home after his prison stay.
What would be easy for you? What would give you peace of mind? You are right...no decisions needed today. After all, next August is a ways off.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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Absolutely it all should be his idea. and he is a grown man so he should be able to figure this all out himself. It isn't like he doesn't know the drill and you do as well. If he is serious about staying clean about changing his life and not repeating the past he will find a way to do so, even if just not using!
You'll be fine just keep taking good care of you!
You'll be fine just keep taking good care of you!
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Way to go Lily! Isn't it amazing what we can accomplish! Real adults.. LOL 
It's very okay for you not to decide. I myself have been in a similar situation.. and then of course question all my decisions. Like the worry wort I am. When he was in jail I actually told him that I didn't want him coming home. Then the begging, and the bargaining... and of course I gave in. He used... went to Teen Challenge, Left early... stayed good for a few months and relapsed again. Like... it's all repeating. Did my choices affect what he's doing? I don't know. Maybe? I kicked him out - AGAIN... but he's still trying to manipulate me into believing everything is going to be OK. LOL. I hate it. The cycle continues. Good luck Lilly...
It's very okay for you not to decide. I myself have been in a similar situation.. and then of course question all my decisions. Like the worry wort I am. When he was in jail I actually told him that I didn't want him coming home. Then the begging, and the bargaining... and of course I gave in. He used... went to Teen Challenge, Left early... stayed good for a few months and relapsed again. Like... it's all repeating. Did my choices affect what he's doing? I don't know. Maybe? I kicked him out - AGAIN... but he's still trying to manipulate me into believing everything is going to be OK. LOL. I hate it. The cycle continues. Good luck Lilly...
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Join Date: Oct 2014
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Totally acceptable not to decide. Even though I told my XABF that I was only committing to our relationship on a day-to-day basis, and I reserved the right to change my boundaries and change my mind at any time, he only heard the word "committing." So in his mind, everything was back to the way it was before I found out he was using. And he pulled the same crap, "It's OK either way. Whatever decision you make is fine and I completely understand if this is too much for you. I know I don't even deserve to have you in my life." Ugh.
The problem for me was, the trust had been completely broken. I didn't believe a damn thing he said. He could tell me he ate a turkey sandwich for lunch and I would think he was lying. Reading this:
"I can see myself getting all worked up because he texts that he has to work late, or sleeps in and then it turns out to be nothing, or turns out to be something... it doesn't matter. What matters is that the thought of him living in the house again stresses me out."
I know exactly how you feel. Every phone call that came through, every text he sent, every time he went outside to smoke a cig, I was suspicious.
The problem for me was, the trust had been completely broken. I didn't believe a damn thing he said. He could tell me he ate a turkey sandwich for lunch and I would think he was lying. Reading this:
"I can see myself getting all worked up because he texts that he has to work late, or sleeps in and then it turns out to be nothing, or turns out to be something... it doesn't matter. What matters is that the thought of him living in the house again stresses me out."
I know exactly how you feel. Every phone call that came through, every text he sent, every time he went outside to smoke a cig, I was suspicious.
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my concern is more the children than it is me (in true codie form! 
)
so he comes home, is here for a week, then disappears? how will that effect them? not good of course.
I am sure that if he were to screw up he would not come home. That was always how he was before. It was me that went and hunted him down. I cant do that anymore for a variety of reasons. The more I think about it the more I wonder if he should go to a sober house for awhile... but then my question remains: how long?
) so he comes home, is here for a week, then disappears? how will that effect them? not good of course.
I am sure that if he were to screw up he would not come home. That was always how he was before. It was me that went and hunted him down. I cant do that anymore for a variety of reasons. The more I think about it the more I wonder if he should go to a sober house for awhile... but then my question remains: how long?
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In a perfect World... in my opinion... it would be a year of freedom (not in a cage) that he chooses to not get high.
I say in a perfect World because our emotions, dreams, hope gets in the way. Mine at least. In my current situation, i'm forcing my husband to choose go away to 16 month rehab again (and complete it) and I don't want to hear any complaining on him wanting to leave. Not forcing him to go to rehab... but telling him its me or his drugs. It's not a threat. It's really how I feel at this point.
Truthfully - I made a bad choice by letting my husband come home after he dropped out of rehab - but I only know that now because time passed. Yes, the few months of normalcy and support were wonderful. Yet, all to be taken away again.
So - no matter what choice you make for yourself or family you will never be 100% sure if it was the right one until the time has passed ... and you live it. Sorry. Wish I had the answers... (even for myself)
I say in a perfect World because our emotions, dreams, hope gets in the way. Mine at least. In my current situation, i'm forcing my husband to choose go away to 16 month rehab again (and complete it) and I don't want to hear any complaining on him wanting to leave. Not forcing him to go to rehab... but telling him its me or his drugs. It's not a threat. It's really how I feel at this point.
Truthfully - I made a bad choice by letting my husband come home after he dropped out of rehab - but I only know that now because time passed. Yes, the few months of normalcy and support were wonderful. Yet, all to be taken away again.
So - no matter what choice you make for yourself or family you will never be 100% sure if it was the right one until the time has passed ... and you live it. Sorry. Wish I had the answers... (even for myself)
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How long? Just take it as it comes...you know "the one day at a time" thing.
If he is in recovery, while staying at a sober living place...you will see it. Then, it will become more clear. There is a honeymoon period, I am sure, when he gets out of prison. The first few months, when he is out, will make things clearer.
If he is in recovery, while staying at a sober living place...you will see it. Then, it will become more clear. There is a honeymoon period, I am sure, when he gets out of prison. The first few months, when he is out, will make things clearer.
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