Nightowl

I know that I shouldn't care why he drinks just that his drinking bothers me. But, I need to think this through too. He was in the Marines for 22 years. He was in the Gulf War. He keeps alluding to how if I had seen what he has seen and if I had to do what he had to do that I would drink too. He said it is his coping mechanism. He went through a year of counseling after retiring from the Marines. He is extremely patriotic and just lives for the Marines. I think he is miserable out of the corps.

How do I deal with this? I am sure he has had to do horrible things and seen even worse things. and I am sure war changes people. Compared to some of the Vietnam vets I have seen...he does pretty well. But I have never been around someone who drinks and it scares me. I have been drunk myself and I know how out of control I can get. I say things I don't mean. I do things I would never do sober. I hate to see his mind numb and slurring his words and stumbling. It saddens me.

But he claims this is his medication. He has tried medicine before with disastrous side effects (impotence) and he is just not willing to try that again. He said that he is sure htere will come a time when he gives up the drinking. He does pretty well with some minor drunks from time to time. But our whole life seems to revolve around beer. What restaurants we eat at. When we go to my parents (cause they don't serve beer), etc. He drinks a very large amount of beer some days. And he drinks and drives. I think his military career is an excuse. But I don't want to discount his service to our country. I appreciate it. He's a good man. But, why does this justify it??

ANyone else out there with this experience. So many military men seem to have issues with alcohol. Why is that??

Marcinor

Nightowl,

This is the part that I have a lot of trouble with too. The knowingthat I shouldn't have a problem with what he does or drinks and the reality of how I feel.

Someone else told me I needed to get to the point where I could let go of all my head knowledge, and start over, thinking with my heart. I'm working on this but I have a pretty tight hold on my head knowledge I think it could be a long internal battle for this codependent!

Addicts will say and do anything to justify their fix, if it wasn't the marines it could be stress at work or money problems. It's not that these problems don't exist, they are there and they seem to be so rational especially when the addict is pointing to a particular reason and saying.. see this is why and meaning... now leave me alone so I can continue to distroy our lives.

You said - "I think his military career is an excuse. But I don't want to discount his service to our country. I appreciate it. He's a good man. But, why does this justify it??"

For me, I see these type of excuses as something that works for him. If his excuse doesn't work for me it doesn't mean I think any less of him. It means I love him and want him to be healthy so he can be around for his family for a long time.

Gabe

Nightowl, I used to make time with a guy who is a Viet Nam vet. That was his excuse for downing a fifth of Makers a day. It's an excuse, plain and simple. If it wasn't a military career, it would be something else. And I have no doubt that veterans of any war have witnessed atrocious things. But drinking is not the way to handle that. The military offers tons of counseling and support groups to deal with such issues.
I know it's hard not to wonder about his excuse for why he drinks. The point is, the excuse doesn't matter. It's the drinking that's the problem.

myles1

Nightowl,

First of all it's all excuses to continue drinking.

But.............have I missed something? I thought you had broken up with him and you were seeing how much more relaxed things were in your life and your kids?

Ngaire

Nightowl

Myles....he has moved out of my house but we continute to date.

I had originally thought we should just quit altogether but he is willing to work on our relationship and perhaps his drinking so I am taking it one day at a time. But we are not living together.

pjplibra

I have been dating a man who was an Army Ranger back in Veitnam era. He is an alcoholic… he doesn’t blame or give any reason for drinking, just does. He wakes up and drinks coffee and then about 10:00 am or definitly by noon is drinking Zima or Miller Lite beer. He drinks all day. He always has his buddy, beer with him. He thinks since he works (does lawncare and landscaping) and never goes to bars, that is okay.
He gets mean and twists conversations so quickly that I often stumble into his web of lies and become the wrong person. I have been involved with him for 1 and ½ years with breakup after breakup. When he is sober or not extremely drunk - early in day… he is a very wonderful kind man. But, I am unemployed and don’t drink all day long. I find that by the end of the day if I am with him I drink. Deep in my heart I know without a doubt this relationship will not work…

He wants us to "quit drinking, get married, move out of town". Yikes, my inner self says that would be wrong… that he would then feel he has complete control of me and would get even more mentally abusive. I feel that this site is helping me get a little stronger everyday. I am beginning to see the insanity of it all. Just last evening I went to visit and there he was sitting on his porch and drinking. Such a sad pitiful sight. I stood there and talked but he is not good at talking when in that state. I left and once again, he says "going to the bars girl" I asked "what did you say"…. He always says that to me..that is my big sin in his eyes. Honestly, I used to but now or lately have no use for the scene. He is making me get more and more disgusted with the drunk personality of him and those in bars….

Trying to sort it out ------- you are not alone,
Hugs - PJ