Dealing with old friends
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 93
Dealing with old friends
I am new to the recovery process...very new. I haven't even been sober for two weeks yet.
I am feeling very lost and confused and uncertain in terms of what to do about my social life. Last weekend was my first "sober weekend." It was not as hard as I had imagined. On the contrary, it was a tremendous relief to wake up and not feel hungover (with its physical and mental sickness, remorse, etc.) I still don't feel fantastic, but I feel better.
In the past, I have typically hung out with friends on the weekends, and all these friends drink. Some of them even use drugs (although that has not been my problem I am fully aware that I cannot be around drugs and drinking in any form right now). I don't really think I want to place myself in a situation where I am around other people drinking/in bars/etc. for a very, very long time (if ever).
My point is, what -- if anything -- should I say to my old friends? A lot of them called me and texted me last weekend trying to get me to come out and get drunk with them. I declined by making up an excuse. I don't really want to tell them about me being in AA. It's not that I want to hide it, but the truth is I have spent he past few years surrounding myself with people who are not good for me, and who are not good friends. Perhaps that's unfair. They may very well be good, wonderful people -- but they are heavy drinkers, and they are people who have always encouraged me to get drunk right along with them, even when I admitted to having a problem.
I don't believe it is possible to get them to hang out with me without alcohol, and I don't believe I am stable enough to go and be around alcohol at this point.
What should I do? Do I owe them an explanation, or is it fair enough for me to just simply "drop them" without giving much cause? I have been invited out, yet again, this weekend and they seem miffed/confused that I don't want to go get drunk.
I have tried in the past to tell some of them that I "need to take a break from drinking" or that "I don't like the way alcohol makes me feel" and they have never respected it. (Perhaps they have never respected it because I have never appeared serious about it. I start off saying I won't drink, and then my reserve breaks and I do.)
I don't mean to sound like I'm blaming other people, I just truly do not know how to deal with being sober now unless I cut most of the people I used to hang out with out of my life.
I am not worried I will miss them. I am not worried that I will have nothing to do, as I have been attending regular meetings and I have a lot of social engagements (sober social engagements) planned with other members of AA.
I guess all that I am concerned about at this point is being a good person, and living my life with rigorous honesty. And I know it would be dishonest to just lie to my old friends or to drop them without any sort of explanation. However, I don't feel that they are good for me (at this point in my life) and I don't really want to go around broadcasting that I'm an alcoholic and I'm in recovery. I don't feel I would get true support from these old friends (although, of course, that's just my feeling -- I could be totally wrong).
If I just "drop them" is that going to add to the baggage that I am carrying around? Or should I just put my recovery first and not worry about explaining myself to my old drinking buddies?
I'm sorry for the long post. I'm just so new to this and I don't want to slip up, and I know I can't handle any forms of temptation this early in my sobriety.
Does anyone have any advice? Did you have to cut out your old friends when you got sober?
I am feeling very lost and confused and uncertain in terms of what to do about my social life. Last weekend was my first "sober weekend." It was not as hard as I had imagined. On the contrary, it was a tremendous relief to wake up and not feel hungover (with its physical and mental sickness, remorse, etc.) I still don't feel fantastic, but I feel better.
In the past, I have typically hung out with friends on the weekends, and all these friends drink. Some of them even use drugs (although that has not been my problem I am fully aware that I cannot be around drugs and drinking in any form right now). I don't really think I want to place myself in a situation where I am around other people drinking/in bars/etc. for a very, very long time (if ever).
My point is, what -- if anything -- should I say to my old friends? A lot of them called me and texted me last weekend trying to get me to come out and get drunk with them. I declined by making up an excuse. I don't really want to tell them about me being in AA. It's not that I want to hide it, but the truth is I have spent he past few years surrounding myself with people who are not good for me, and who are not good friends. Perhaps that's unfair. They may very well be good, wonderful people -- but they are heavy drinkers, and they are people who have always encouraged me to get drunk right along with them, even when I admitted to having a problem.
I don't believe it is possible to get them to hang out with me without alcohol, and I don't believe I am stable enough to go and be around alcohol at this point.
What should I do? Do I owe them an explanation, or is it fair enough for me to just simply "drop them" without giving much cause? I have been invited out, yet again, this weekend and they seem miffed/confused that I don't want to go get drunk.
I have tried in the past to tell some of them that I "need to take a break from drinking" or that "I don't like the way alcohol makes me feel" and they have never respected it. (Perhaps they have never respected it because I have never appeared serious about it. I start off saying I won't drink, and then my reserve breaks and I do.)
I don't mean to sound like I'm blaming other people, I just truly do not know how to deal with being sober now unless I cut most of the people I used to hang out with out of my life.
I am not worried I will miss them. I am not worried that I will have nothing to do, as I have been attending regular meetings and I have a lot of social engagements (sober social engagements) planned with other members of AA.
I guess all that I am concerned about at this point is being a good person, and living my life with rigorous honesty. And I know it would be dishonest to just lie to my old friends or to drop them without any sort of explanation. However, I don't feel that they are good for me (at this point in my life) and I don't really want to go around broadcasting that I'm an alcoholic and I'm in recovery. I don't feel I would get true support from these old friends (although, of course, that's just my feeling -- I could be totally wrong).
If I just "drop them" is that going to add to the baggage that I am carrying around? Or should I just put my recovery first and not worry about explaining myself to my old drinking buddies?
I'm sorry for the long post. I'm just so new to this and I don't want to slip up, and I know I can't handle any forms of temptation this early in my sobriety.
Does anyone have any advice? Did you have to cut out your old friends when you got sober?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,590
Hi and welcome NightNDay 
For many years I tried to get sober, but not change anything else about my life.
That never worked because my whole life was about drinkers and drinking.
I don't know how far you're prepared to go, but I had to make some pretty wholesale changes.
I avoided drinkers and drinking for a long time.
I wasn't a hermit but I had to re-invent the wheel a little, find non alcohol related things to do and find or make friends where the basis of our relationship wasn't getting messed up.
It's a big ask I know, but I have absolutely no regrets. I love my life now - I could never say that when I was drinking.
D
For many years I tried to get sober, but not change anything else about my life.
That never worked because my whole life was about drinkers and drinking.
I don't know how far you're prepared to go, but I had to make some pretty wholesale changes.
I avoided drinkers and drinking for a long time.
I wasn't a hermit but I had to re-invent the wheel a little, find non alcohol related things to do and find or make friends where the basis of our relationship wasn't getting messed up.
It's a big ask I know, but I have absolutely no regrets. I love my life now - I could never say that when I was drinking.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Hi and welcome NightNDay
For many years I tried to get sober, but not change anything else about my life.
That never worked because my whole life was about drinkers and drinking.
I don't know how far you're prepared to go, but I had to make some pretty wholesale changes.
I avoided drinkers and drinking for a long time.
I wasn't a hermit but I had to re-invent the wheel a little, find non alcohol related things to do and find or make friends where the basis of our relationship wasn't getting messed up.
It's a big ask I know, but I have absolutely no regrets. I love my life now - I could never say that when I was drinking.
D
For many years I tried to get sober, but not change anything else about my life.
That never worked because my whole life was about drinkers and drinking.
I don't know how far you're prepared to go, but I had to make some pretty wholesale changes.
I avoided drinkers and drinking for a long time.
I wasn't a hermit but I had to re-invent the wheel a little, find non alcohol related things to do and find or make friends where the basis of our relationship wasn't getting messed up.
It's a big ask I know, but I have absolutely no regrets. I love my life now - I could never say that when I was drinking.
D
I'm prepared to go as far as it takes. I don't even think that's a "big ask" anymore. The idea of going on like I had been is horrific to me now. I was never, ever happy drinking. (Well, maybe I was happy drinking six or seven years ago, but certainly not anytime in the recent past.)
What you said about reinventing the wheel hit home. I know I've essentially got to start over, which makes me almost feel physically sick. Yet, it does NOT make me as sick/anxious as the idea of waking up one more day in this absolute hell of alcoholism. I know I am an alcoholic and I always will be, but I don't ever want to feel that horrible remorse again.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
