Rachinator

I'm in early recovery myself first off. I'm seeing day to day how it gets worse for my husband. He is still off of work due to illness but will drink all day and let things stew until I get home. I really want him to get back to work after his last surgery. He claims he needs to heal, and of course yes I agree heal time. I'm thinking 2- weeks tops, he's thinking 4-6 weeks. He is screaming about getting laywers, suing for permanent disablility, and how he can't work. He is saying that he is going to loose his job (he has the insurance and the breadwinner). I'm not sure if it is because he is staying at home with hardly any responsiblity. I try to reason with him. Yes I know it is impossible because he has "liquid professor" in him. I know this is a mega no win situation here. But I need to get through to him that the course he is taking on how he is treating his doctor isn't going to help him in the end. As much as I want to let him hear it from the doctor it is going to punish me more that it will him. The only course I can do is state the facts, me very direct on the consequences, and that he will not win with the doctor's because they don't have to cater to someone that isn't going to treat them with respect. Grr thanks for the vent, also if you have suggestions on how to approach it would be helpful.

LBrain

Not trying to be funny here, but sometimes it's like trying to reason with a two year old.

Do your best, be patient but be firm.

Nuudawn

Oh my gosh..so sorry you're dealing with this Rachinator. I wish I had a clue as to how to handle it..I don't. His alcoholism and his position as sole breadwinner has you in a terribly vulnerable position. Hope and prayers to you....

Hawks

This alcoholic (me) in "flight"...... Would best be described as a "Deaf know all "

Hard to tell me anything in the first place and even if you did manage to get some tiny bit of information through, I would reply with... "I know, but"

Good luck with your alcoholic

least

I don't know if it's even possible to reason with an alcoholic. I know I couldn't be reasoned with when I was drinking.

NWGRITS

You just don't. The disease is an irrational thing and rationality has no place in it. Recovery is really the only way to get them to see reason.

happybeingme

I really dont have any advice except if you insist on having a talk with keep a few things in mind:
Only talk to him when he is stone cold sober
Speak in the first person only. No phrases like : you must, you should, you need
When it comes to his surgery and recovery stick to facts: drnking does X to recovery, these are possible side affects or outcomes to his procedure, etc.

As far as being the bread winner and insurance holder there is the affordable care act now and if things get bad you may qualify for subsidies or medicaid. As for income tighten your belt and get rid of the extras

Rachinator

Yes I know it will be like heading cats. But I'll try the I'll know but. I just hope I can do the impossible. I know i can only help myself, but I really want to help him get better in all faciates of life.

Rachinator

Thanks happy. I don't know if the ACA takes this years of earnings or next years of projected earnings. If worse comes to worse I think I can make it happen. Perhaps it just maybe a blessing in disguise. Perhaps it may be THE wake up call for him. I don't know but Hugs to all.

FireSprite

The same way you get a leopard to change his spots.

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Honestly rach, you already know it's a losing battle to try. I found that even when I could get AH to "hear" me it meant next to nothing because he was going to do whatever he wanted regardless of our conversation.

Sometimes I needed to say things to know that I had, in good conscience, tried.... so I understand that feeling. Eventually I learned to say what I felt I needed to *for me* and then just let it go & focus on my own recovery. At least with my own side of the street there was the POTENTIAL for progress, you know?

Rachinator

I hear ya sprite. I know I can only fix me. And like most of you all know you can't change other people. I just know if I drink and get on the same wave length as him, nothing will get accomplished. Only I can make my life better and not drinking will do that.

amy55

Hey Rach,

The reason I joined SR was because I started to numb myself from my marriage. I couldn't deal with the anger anymore. So I drank instead. I know your are in recovery. Perhaps you even realized this yourself. From my experience drinking never helped me, it just kept me in an unbearable situation.

You know you can't talk to an alcoholic. You would get a better response trying to talk to a brick wall.

Take this time for you to get better. Work on your own recovery and work on yourself to be financially independent of him. I think you are living with a "blamer". Nothing in his mind will ever go right, and he will look for someone to blame.

I think you are doing terrific. I think you will put everything into your own recovery. I see a beautiful life for you.

(((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy

Rachinator

thanks Amy. I'm getting to the point where i'm trying to make more money by donating plasma, recycling electronics, recycling metals, helping people out with their computers/devices, helping neighboring farmers with harvest/chores. I try to keep myself busy and my husband is worried about me over-extending myself. I tell him we have no choice you are not working and someone has to pay the bills. Even when he goes back to work, I'm going to still be busting butt to make money. I need to pay things off so I can be more independent. I'm not leaving him, but I need to be more secure by myself. I know he cares but again I see the alcohol overtake him. If he goes into the abyss he will not take me or my daughter with him.

dandylion

Rachinator....you might feel less helpless and more in control---at least, to some degree, if you start m aking plans for the very real possibility of becoming the support for the family.
Things like assisted housing, food card, medicaid, fulltime employment for you, etc.
Facing the reality, straight-up is more comforting than living with the fears of "what if".

Then, you don't need to fight with or try to reason with a brick wall.
You just do what you gotta do and leave him to his own entertainment.

Protecting your own sobriety and living in reality should keep you soooo busy...LOL!

dandylion

dandylion

Sorry Rachinator....I didn't see you last post before I posted my reply to you!! You ARE working your butt off!
It seems to me that your greatest task, right now, then, is to use DETACHING skills to detach from HIS situation.
I see that you have computer skills. Perhaps you can eventually do continuing education to prepare yourself for a future career and the rewards that will come with that. Investing in yourself.

You seem like a very hard worker and you care enough about yourself to be in recovery. You are already ahead of the game--maybe, more than you realize.

dandylion

Rachinator

I do have a full time job, I do work with computers and work on business equipment. Unfortunately there is no insurance, and I don't get paid enough. But such is life. I'm looking for other employment that would pay better and have insurance. I'm hoping with all the people I've helped with their computers/devices will help me down the road with references. I think I'm getting ahead of the game. Right now, I just have to put my head down work hard and stay sober. I just got home from work and my husband is sleeping so I hope I can get him in a soberish time to talk like adults.

dandylion

Rachinator....I just love Joe Dirt!

You are many steps ahead of me. LOL..I have been preaching to the choir!
I am just trying to give you encouragement, I guess.

You are right....you are sowing seeds with your helping others with their technology. One of those "seeds" will pay off when you least expect it----that is how Karma works!

You sound like a survivor, to me.
(a sober survivor..LOL).

dandylion

Rachinator

Thanks for the support. We all need a little support/encouragement. It is nice to come to a safe place and vent/get suggestions/support/advice. It is also nice to know that I can talk to people that been there and can help.

lillamy

Well, it's a lot like working with politicians. Or, as my husband likes to phrase it, "you can't apply rational principles to an irrational process."

Nuudawn

There's your addiction right there.

You have to let go of the need and desire to "help". Wanting him to get better is one thing...wanting "to help" is the issue.

You might be loving and "helping him" to death.