Chillly

It's 1:50 A.M. Bars here just called last call!! That means I'm officially in the clear and I made it through Day 3

I had a pretty great day today, I woke up not hungover. I had coffee with my dad for two hours this afternoon. I love him and he's a GREAT father! We had a long heartfelt conversation. (Didn't tell him about my addiction and sobriety stuff though) After that, we went and picked up my brother from work. We all went to the grocery store where we bought fresh Taco ingredients. We went back to my bro's house and I cooked up the tacos and prepared plates for all 3 of us. We ate DELICIOUS Mexican food and watched the Thursday night football game (NFL). We drank root beer!

My dad drove me home and we stopped by the gas station where I bought a two liter of Sprite (Which I suspect I might finish before going to sleep) As we left the gas station, I longingly stared out the car window at the liquor store and the bar (Both located within a hundred yards of my front door). I got out of the car, said bye to my dad, and proceeded to walk straight into my Apt. instead of the LQ or the bar.

I put on my p.j.s picked up my computer and immediately logged onto SR.
Some of the folks that I've recently chatted with over the last couple of days were in the chat room, and I literally got to count down the minutes with one of them as they clocked another day of early sobriety

Feeling great, I opened up in the chat and started typing away. I was appreciative of my fellow chatters and they of me.

But surprisingly to me, one of the members questioned if I was drunk during the chat. They were hesitant, I think, and I was unclear of what was causing their concern. The person voiced to me that they thought I was sounding like I was 180 degrees different then I was during our previous encounters. This troubled me and I assured them that I was a "Bar drinker" and that if I'm drunk during bar hours... there's only one place I would be... the bar... not at home typing on chat room. The person said that it was like I wasn't even trying. Then politely said good night to the chat room and logged out to get some sleep.

I'm new to this site and this week on this site is the first internet chatting that I've ever done in my life. I don't know how to feel about this or how to approach the situation.

I have severe social anxiety (When I'm sober) so of course, I play the interaction out repeatedly in my head and try to swim through the sea of questions and emotions that the interaction has brought up.

Then something struck me... I think I know why I'm feeling so much better, and possibly acting in a way that is perceived to be 180 degrees different from how I've previously been feeling/acting. Obviously having a good day with my loving family is a positive but I think that the main reason that I've been so much less stressed today than the last few is because;

I've already had it in my mind that I'm going to drink again on Saturday night.

As I think back on my sudden and unexpected level of mental/emotional peace and tranquility this evening, I reflect on how hard the last 3 days have been for me. It's been a torturous 3 days. But I now think I fully realize that the crux of the torture has not been from lack of alcohol for this short time; as I regularly go a day or two or three (at the most) without alcohol within the last 6 months, but the source of the fear and anxiety is that I've put myself in a frame of mind that it won't just be a couple of days this time.. it will be permanent.

I'm afraid that I've gained this peace of mind through acceptance that I will be drunk again, very soon. I have no fear of not drinking tomorrow because I've already accepted that I'll be drunk on Saturday night. I'll have my old friend "The Bar" with me, and I'll be ok again...or maybe not.. maybe I'll stay sober.. or....

Sh!t
or not..
or...I don't know....
hmmm.. ummm... help me?....
or... go away?...
OK... That's all... I guess.. Thanks?

Dee74

I think it would be a mistake to drink again Chilly.

The Bar and alcohol are not your friend.

It's scary being sober.
Most of us want to run back to the familiarity of being drunk.

But it's a lie. Face it, if it was that good none of us would want to get or stay sober.

Drink again and the same things that bought you here for help, and the same ordeals like the insomnia, will simply happen again, perhaps worse next time.

Your addiction is messing with your mind. It wants you to believe that drinking again is inevitable, even desirable...it may even have you thinking that 'once in a while' isn't that bad.

Since when has any of us had the control to limit our destruction to once in a while?

You're feeling better because it's day 3.

Day 3. That's an achievement and your addicted self hates it.


Chilly you have complete say over whether you drink again this weekend chilly.

Say no. You'll look back and be so glad you did.

D

and PS I think sometimes people forget how much power their words have.

The chat room member was probably trying to help but they had no right to question your sobriety - and you have no right letting that spin off into this Saturday night fantasy.

stay strong Chilly.

D

Marcher13

Chilly I've copied your words before your AV started. Instead of continually rewinding the next part of the tape (in your head), have a look at this. Go back and feel the emotions again.

Was that good? That time with your Dad and brother? Making the tacos? Drinking the root beer and the Sprite?

Leave the next part of the tape alone for a while and go back over this part -- it deserves the same amount of time and attention. To me it seems that you can enjoy a whole lot of stuff with people you love while you are sober.

How awesome is that.

Chillly

Good tip... way to literally highlight the positive lol

Chillly

*lol was supposed to be smiley face

anattaboy

You CAN short circuit that thought loop of planning a drunk. Good job of catching it BTW. Now is the time to address it.

JanieJ

Chilly,
"One day at a time" is a mantra on here, and it works, because thinking about never drinking again is hard when you're newly sober.

Don't let that AV win, huh ?

Stay strong

Nonsensical

This battle raged in my head a thousand times. Me, knowing that the only rational thing to do was to stop drinking; my addiction coming up with argument after argument as to why one more time won't matter or next time will be different.

That addictive voice will tell you anything you want to hear to get what it wants. It will beg, flatter, console, promise, threaten, insult, coerce, bargain, and throw tantrums. It cannot be educated, reasoned with, or trusted.

It. Must. Be. Starved.

If you want that battle in your head to stop, quit feeding it alcohol.

You can do this.

ccam1973

Chilly, congrats on day 3! huge accomplishment. Also sounds like you had a great day with your dad and brother. It's amazing the little things that we enjoy and are grateful for when sober.

Don't give in this weekend. Take it from me and many others here, drinking is evil, painful and destructive. That one drink on Saturday will most likely not stop until you regret your decision to drink... You are stronger than that.

The good thing about today is that it's Friday and you are still sober. You have three days under your belt, four days is next, then five and six. It does get easier with time, I promise.

You have the strength and power to ride this positive sober wave all of the way through the weekend.

Stay strong and close to SR.