I'm back but you knew I would be!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 65
I'm back but you knew I would be!
Well, I went back to him 8 weeks ago. He had been sober for 4 weeks and vowed not to drink more than one glass of wine a night. Still, he refused to work on the problems in our marriage. Long story short - he picked a fight and used that as an excuse to get drunk. He actually spit in my face! I've never had anyone do that to me before! I left and I'm not going back. He frightened our daughter again. He lunged toward her after she called him an SOB. Claimed that she was calling his mother a B.... - well his mother was there and got between them. He was so drunk that he would have fallen on his face before he got to her anyway but she's traumatized again. I took my wedding ring off tonight and I'm ok with that. When I get depressed I picture his face when he spit on me and I get over it real quick. Just thought I'd give you the chance to say "Told you so".
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 93
I'm sorry you are going through this and I don't think anyone is going to give you a "told you so". I guess you gave this one last shot and realized now that it is not going to work for you to stay. All you can do is hold your head high and move on from here. You are strong and you will thrive.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
No I told you so here, Cherra. We move at our own pace and in our own time. No one can make you ready to do what needs to be done. I'm glad you have moved on and I wish only the best for you and your daughter.
No one deserves to be treated with such disrespect.
No one deserves to be treated with such disrespect.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
oh no hon, no told you so's just so sorry it came to that. it could have gone a lot of different ways....he could have acted like a decent human.....a husband or a father......he did what untreated alcoholism CAN do.
just stay safe. be done. hug your daughter. get some counseling, including DV. you've been thru a lot. NOW is the time to heal....YOU.
just stay safe. be done. hug your daughter. get some counseling, including DV. you've been thru a lot. NOW is the time to heal....YOU.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 154
We're not ready until we're ready. I'm glad that you are facing the reality of the situation head on and making choices for you and your daughter that are healthy. One glass a night isn't working a program. Abstinence, step work, and living amends is. Don't settle for less.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
hey Cherra, you might have regretted not giving him a chance, and you regret going back, but at least you KNOW.
Have you planned for when he's sobered up again, is sorry for his actions and wanting you back? These things tend to go in cycles, and when you're in the cycle it can be hard to see it. Make plans and move on, concentrating on yourself and your daughter.
Have you planned for when he's sobered up again, is sorry for his actions and wanting you back? These things tend to go in cycles, and when you're in the cycle it can be hard to see it. Make plans and move on, concentrating on yourself and your daughter.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Originally Posted by cherra 
Well, I went back to him 8 weeks ago. He had been sober for 4 weeks and vowed not to drink more than one glass of wine a night. Still, he refused to work on the problems in our marriage. Long story short - he picked a fight and used that as an excuse to get drunk. He actually spit in my face! I've never had anyone do that to me before! I left and I'm not going back. He frightened our daughter again. He lunged toward her after she called him an SOB. Claimed that she was calling his mother a B.... - well his mother was there and got between them. He was so drunk that he would have fallen on his face before he got to her anyway but she's traumatized again. I took my wedding ring off tonight and I'm ok with that. When I get depressed I picture his face when he spit on me and I get over it real quick. Just thought I'd give you the chance to say "Told you so".
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
None of us is happy to hear of someone else's unhappiness. Some alcoholics DO get better, he just wasn't one of them.
It sounds like an horrible and upsetting event for all concerned. I'm so sorry it happened to you and your family.
Hugs,
It sounds like an horrible and upsetting event for all concerned. I'm so sorry it happened to you and your family.
Hugs,
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
cherra....it is so calm and peaceful when the tide rolls out.
If one understands the way tide works and the predictable nature of it....one can expect it to come thundering...crashing on the shore, again with great intensity.
Cherra, are you preparing yourself for high tide?
dandylion
If one understands the way tide works and the predictable nature of it....one can expect it to come thundering...crashing on the shore, again with great intensity.
Cherra, are you preparing yourself for high tide?
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
So sorry you and your daughter experienced that. No judgement here. I went back after a "trial separation" despite my gut telling me not to. I foolishly listened to other people pushing me to return. Long story short, nothing had changed except my willingness to live with an active alcoholic. I made the separation permanent a couple weeks after my return.
Hugs.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
No judgement from me either. I stuck around for 25 years. I'm really sorry things happened the way that it did, but I am glad that you feel safe enough to come here to talk about things and to let us support you.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
That’s what’s so wonderful about SR – you are always welcomed back with open understanding and no judgments.
We all travel this path at our own pace in our own time learning as we go.
I am sorry you and your daughter experienced this. Maybe the both of you could begin al-anon together and work with supporting each other to gain your lives back after living with the effects of alcoholism.
We all travel this path at our own pace in our own time learning as we go.
I am sorry you and your daughter experienced this. Maybe the both of you could begin al-anon together and work with supporting each other to gain your lives back after living with the effects of alcoholism.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 65
Thank you to everyone. I didn't mean like it sounded. I know that my situation was one of extreme danger and that those who came down on me pretty hard were really terrified that I would wind up dead. I really am at peace now. I think I always would have wondered if I hadn't gone back but it wasn't worth my daughter getting upset again. We are seeing a therapist. Lots of decisions to make about the house, money, etc. I am ready for the tide to come crashing in again (good analogy) but I'm not talking to him at all. He can leave a note or a voice mail. I'm not playing that game right now. Daughter has him blocked on her phone. Thank you all so much for your support!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, cherra,
I just went back and read your previous posts--I've been around SR for a long time but just recently got back on the forums, so I missed reading what happened to you before.
I'm very glad you're safe. I have worked in DV professionally (retired DV prosecutor and still doing related work) for a very long time. Please feel free to pm me if there is anything you'd like to know about how protective orders and such work.
Also want you to know that even though you went back, it isn't too late for you to get an order if you want one. The court would consider the prior incident where he fired off the gun as well as this most recent incident.
A protective order's main advantage is that it would prevent him from contacting you at all--if he does, the police could make an immediate arrest before the situation escalated into something more serious.
I realize you might not be ready to do that just yet. I do hope, though, that you will contact the DV hotline. An advocate can help you do some safety planning, whether you get an order or not. It never hurts to have a professional help you with a plan--they aren't as close to the situation as you are, and they might think of suggestions you haven't thought of. It doesn't obligate you to do anything. Advocates understand very well the need you have to move at your own pace. They will encourage you to take steps to protect yourself but they won't push you to do anything you aren't ready to do.
Hugs,
I just went back and read your previous posts--I've been around SR for a long time but just recently got back on the forums, so I missed reading what happened to you before.
I'm very glad you're safe. I have worked in DV professionally (retired DV prosecutor and still doing related work) for a very long time. Please feel free to pm me if there is anything you'd like to know about how protective orders and such work.
Also want you to know that even though you went back, it isn't too late for you to get an order if you want one. The court would consider the prior incident where he fired off the gun as well as this most recent incident.
A protective order's main advantage is that it would prevent him from contacting you at all--if he does, the police could make an immediate arrest before the situation escalated into something more serious.
I realize you might not be ready to do that just yet. I do hope, though, that you will contact the DV hotline. An advocate can help you do some safety planning, whether you get an order or not. It never hurts to have a professional help you with a plan--they aren't as close to the situation as you are, and they might think of suggestions you haven't thought of. It doesn't obligate you to do anything. Advocates understand very well the need you have to move at your own pace. They will encourage you to take steps to protect yourself but they won't push you to do anything you aren't ready to do.
Hugs,
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