mischa1

I hate him for this. He willingly and knowingly violated the damn RO. He showed up here while I was at work and just stared at my apartment from his car. My apt manager knows what's going on and knew to call me if he saw him. We might have him on security video. I have to check. Tonight he called and left messages. He's blocked so it doesn't ring but the messages still come through. There were 6. I called the police just now. I have to make all these printouts and tons of copies and take it to the station. I know where it is. Ive spent time in there lately. They are actually very kind and helpful. I did not expect that from where I live. I can't even breathe right now. I LOVE this man and he is supposed to protect me!!!!! But I'm alone and scared and so damn sad. Heartbroken. I can't believe he is making me do this. Maybe this time in jail will save his life. God please let there be a silver lining somewhere. I'm looking really hard.

BoxinRotz

You do know he's doing this to himself right?!

dandylion

OH, mischa1, I am so sorry. I can relate to how this feels.

This is a time when you just have to do what you have to do.

Put your heart on "hold" for now...and lead with your head!! This is very important...your heart cannot be trusted, right now. It will just give you inner conflict, and, God knows that you have had m ore than enough of that.

There was good reason for the order, in the first place.....and it is useless unless you do y our part to back it up when necessary.

This is about your safety. Safety is a minimum necessary requirement for you. He has absolutely no right to make you unsafe...or cause you to fear for your own safety!!

dandylion

Seren

Awww, Mischa....He is not making you do anything...

He is putting himself in jail because he is violating the law. He is choosing to behave the way he is behaving. He knows he's not supposed to show up or contact you, and yet he does it anyway--in a really creepy way, I might add.

Please stay safe!

FeelingGreat

All I can say is maybe he needs to sabotage himself, like a criminal who wants to be caught. Possibly he recognises he needs a circuit-breaker. I hope that his 'time-out' will be what he needs to get some perspective.

Of course you're not putting him in jail. He's a big boy, and he's doing it to himself.

guava

Stay safe and stay strong! (((Hugs)))

Fandy

This person was extremely abusive and controlling towards you, he is STILL trying to do this. You statement "he's making me" shows this.

You might want to concentrate on LOVING YOURSELF. Obsessing about him day and night isn't helping you move forward. You were correct in protecting you and your space by filing a RO. You do not want to violate this, you need the protection, because the odds are he will escalate if he is not stopped...next time it might not be a bite, but a knife. who knows what craziness he has in him? You don't want to find out.

his control is NOT love for you but control, he took you to the cleaners financially, emotionally and physically. He is a sick individual with his own set of big issues that he refuses to get help for.

stay safe and listen to the police, move if you need to, I know this is drastic, but if you can afford to move, change your phone number completely (if it is a DV situation, the phone carrier will do it immediately and for free in some states).

AnvilheadII

Maybe this time in jail will save his life.
I doubt jail will fix him, but it damn well may save YOUR life.

hon, you don't KNOW this man. you never did. his ACTIONS tell you he is a deranged unhinged individual...and YOU are his TARGET. this is not love. just because you married him doesn't make him your PROTeCTOR or HUSBAND in the true sense of the word. it simply bound you to him legally. and look HARD at all that has happened since you got married.

go to the police. take all precautions. please please see what a dangerous situation you are in.

Refiner

Mischa, I'm worried about you. I hope you come tell us you're ok. Be safe!

biminiblue

I think at this point I would be calling a domestic violence number and asking for emergency help to find a new place to live.

They can only hold him for overnight, probably. Once a judge hears his case, he will likely be released, and he's shown he is not capable of good judgment. In my experience, at this time the offender doubles down and tries harder to control. This is a very touchy time, and I'd not go out alone.

LexieCat

Ditto what everyone here said. I've worked in DV for a long time, and this is always how it starts once a restraining order is issued. He's testing the waters, to see if you mean what you say.

I'm very happy to hear your police department is kind and helpful. I help train these folks, and a lot of them are doing a great job.

Let the process play out as it is supposed to. For a first violation with contact only, he may not get jail, but rather probation (with no-contact conditions), and FURTHER violations are likely to result in jail time. It's all up to him.

Hugs, stay strong. He isn't "making" you do anything--he's jamming himself up.

hopeful4

Honey, please know that HE is making these choices. He knows what will happen.

Take good care of you and stay safe.

XXX

mischa1

The police told me that I bring them the stuff and they turn it into the courts. The judge looks at it and if she thinks it's warranted a warrant will be issued for his aren't. If not it will be on file with the RO so if it keeps happening he will eventually go to jail. I doubt he will for calls and showing up when he knows I'm not home. He only stayed for a few minutes. By the time my apt manager got up to his apt from the street to check the security camera he was gone. The camera didn't seem to have him on it. So that one he might get away with. The calls I have proof. I'm sick this morning. I feel like I could throw up at any minute. I have no idea how I'm going to make it through work today. I can't take anymore time off. If I get sick at work I get sick at work. And I have things that have to get done today. Ugh.

hopeful4

One second at a time my friend. Breathe. Just ignore or block the calls and texts if there are any more.

I am going to mention this. On amazon you can get a tazer (it's not police quality but would give quite a jolt) and pepper spray. In this day and age, it's a good idea to have these items on hand anyways. Wasp spray works the same. They are both super cheap.

I don't just say this about this situation. Not far from where I live, yesterday some nut went into a grocery story and was acting a nut. He was being escorted out by security for that store. I the parking lot he pulled a gun on that employee. Luckily the employee was armed and was able to shoot his own gun before he was shot.

It's a huge mess, but unfortunately in this day and age, a person needs to be prepared to protect themselves.

Stay safe. Breathe. Remember these are not your consequences but his.

Much love my friend. XXX

lillamy

Stay safe, and keep breathing. When my ex kept violating his RO, I called a DV shelter to get advice on how to stay safe. It infuriated me that I felt I had to rearrange my life in order to not put myself in danger -- the whole "stay unpredictable" thing: Don't go to your usual classes at the gym; don't eat lunch at your usual restaurant; take different routes to work every day kind of thing. BUT what it did was it made me feel I was taking the power back.

LexieCat

If your apt. manager saw him, that IS proof. You also have the voicemails, correct? More proof.

It takes very little to get a warrant--the standard is "probable cause."

One thing re tasters and pepper spray--laws vary from place to place. Tasers are strictly illegal where I live (not even legal for police to use), and pepper spray is often regulated, too. You have every right to defend yourself, but don't let yourself get jammed up with an illegal weapon. If you feel you need a weapon like one of those, call the police department and make sure it's legal, first.

Don't get ahead of yourself. If he sees you aren't backing down he may back off.

Hugs,

lillamy

Good advice.
I took self-defense classes -- not martial arts per se, but self-defense classes for women focused on how to handle "common" ways of attacking a woman. I know it sounds awful to talk about, but it was incredibly empowering. I recommend it.

I lived in a conceal carry state so I also got trained and got a permit and a handgun.

ladyscribbler

That's smart. Simply buying weapons might provide a false sense of security, but actually being trained and prepared to use them is another matter. It is not easy for most of us to override our instincts to use deadly force on another human being, even in self defense. It takes time and training for that to become an automatic reflex.

lillamy

Ladyscribbler, my firearms instructor actually told me to buy a handgun, by all means, but carry pepper spray -- for exactly that reason. He knows me pretty well, and he said "I don't think you have it in you to pull the trigger on a gun if your ex is standing in front of you. And if you aren't able to do it, you're in more danger than he is."

ladyscribbler

I was trained not to fire a warning shot and I'm grateful. That's not a lesson you want to learn the hard way.
Non lethal force is best if that's all you're prepared to use. The most important thing is YOUR safety.
For the record, my home security consists of a bright flashlight and a very sharp, spring-loaded, folding blade knife. I can't do guns anymore.