Katchie

Hi all.. it's been a while. My H is doing well, I think. As far as I can tell he has been dry for 8/9 months. The boys feel very good about him and are at ease. His attitude is very positive and seems upbeat almost all the time. There have been so many wonderful changes. However... I've notice in the last month or two that simple conversations become combative. Never a "fight", just combative -- I'm not sure how else to put it. I feel like I have to split and re-split the hairs because he doesn't understand what I'm saying and becomes combative conversationally. He'll even say, "I don't want to argue about it but..." I feel like I can't make a statement without it being taken out of context and having to restate it so I'm not misunderstood. Or, he will play devils advocate to the extreme on stupid stuff. It can be over the simplest things that mean nothing. Any thoughts? It's driving me batty to not be able to communicate like a normal person with him without the merry-go-round.

lillamy

I just know that combative with my ex meant he was either drinking again or trying to create a reason to. I hope that's not the case for you.

Wisconsin

I believe strongly that any sentence that starts "I don't want to argue but..." is designed precisely to start an argument. Just like a sentence that starts "I'm not trying to insult you, but" is totally an insult, and a sentence that starts "I'm not going to repeat myself, but" is going to be a rehashing of something that has already been said a hundred times.

I agree with Lillamy. When my AH gets combative, it's because he is attempting to manipulate a situation to create an excuse for him to drink. While I think that anybody can have a rough few days, a rough week, and be hard to get along with...a month or two of that behavior is more concerning.

I would make sure my blinders stayed off, and wait. More will be revealed.

Katchie

I'm praying like a mad women this is not the case

Katchie

Again, I'm praying this isn't true. When he sobered up the first few months there was PEACE in the house. No egg shells. His brain was healing and I could see the guy I married. I don't recall this combativeness. I'm praying. I guess I was just wondering if getting close to the 1 year mark if an alcoholic ever showed signs like this that were not related to drinking.

FireSprite

With my RAH this is a sign of a relapse in behaviors even if he doesn't drink. It's what happens when his Ego gets too big & he loses touch with working his recovery.

His cockiness rises & his humility fades, which is the same behavior I saw when he actively drank.

Katchie

If this is the case and drinking is not involved, what do I do? I've decided to just not engage, to stop restating what I say for better understanding. I just remembered, he has also begun over talking me when I'm saying something. He hasn't done that in a while. He had tried to be real conscious of that bad habit and back down to let me finish a sentence. I just need to stop playing the little verbal game, but its hard because the boys witness all of this too.

hopeful4

Hi Katchie, it's good to hear from you! How are you doing??

Time will tell, take it one day at a time.

Tight Hugs, I miss hearing from you more!!! XXX

Katchie

:-) I still come in on occasion and read, I just don't always post. I've missed you and a lot of others, too! I am doing better, but I feel that old stress creeping up in me and I just don't like it. While my H has been in recovery, I've been working very hard to de-stress my own life and get healthier in every way spiritually, physically and emotionally. I'm trying to grow stronger so that if H ever flips his wig and goes back to being a thoughtless, reckless, crazy drunk I don't have to stick around and can stand on my own two feet.

How about you???

FireSprite

Drop the rope - disengage & refuse to rise to the bait. With my RAH I can be pretty blunt sometimes & I just calmly point out that he's acting the fool & I'm stopping the conversation right here.

If he's open minded enough to hear you, take a step back & reassess his behavior he may see himself more clearly. Someone WORKING a recovery would do that, IMO. Someone NOT working at it will continue defensive talk/blameshift/whatever.

I will say that the first few times RAH "heard" me when I pointed this behavior out to him still resulted in HIM walking away to cool down & think before coming back & owning his behavior. That was something he learned in recovery too - walking away to detach & give himself time to think & reflect before reacting.

hopeful4

I am so glad to hear that you are still working your own recovery. It's normal to have anxiety, but that anxiety does not have to control your life, and you are a shining example of that.

I am doing good Thanks, just plugging along!

Have a super day!!!!

Katchie

I need to clarify something, he is not in AA and hasn't been since about month 3 of sobriety. He goes to band of brothers but it isn't about alcoholism. Its just a mens bible study and get together. So what he has done so far is pretty much on his own.

I will stop engaging when he does this to me.

Hammer

A+++++++

Went through this the other night.

Mrs. Hammer had been reading on here . . . (snooping though my underwear drawer, as it were) and came across THIS post . . . .

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4993770

And she wanted to "Lecture" me "for the record" regarding that, like I were one of her clients. From my point of view she pretty much is one her clients She works in a Rehab. It got surreal, she called her Sponsor and wanted the Sponsor to "Lecture" me, as well. I voted that they should Lecture each other, and I went to sleep. And had a Good Night's sleep. [THANK YOU, ALANON!]

So at any rate -- back to Katchie -- here is about the Best Way I know to tell whether You, They or I are on the Path or not . . . and it has nothing to do with words -- all just behavior -- Called On The Beam / Off The Beam. Not that we should care too much, nor can do much if they are off . . . however it is VERY GOOD to check ourselves, and when we are taking care us, we do not have much time to get involved in their nonsense.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-off-beam.html

Hope you get a Good Night's Sleep, too.

Katchie

Oh...I'll sleep good! I won't lose another nights sleep over his shenanigans ever again. I'm just prayerful God will grab him up by the collar and throttle him a good one if he's stepping out of line and give me the strength to leave his bottom on his own and be self sufficient -- let him think on that shocker. And that's all I want. Is that asking for too much? My dander is a little up at the thought he's nipping around. But it's all good...God is good all day everyday.

Thanks for the advice -- everyone -- it is so helpful.

LoveMeNow

Have you read this article that Hammer posted! Alcoholism, Borderline Personality Disorder and the Dry Drunk | Liver Doctor

This part stood out to me.

"The dry drunk who is not making progress with their recovery will continue to rationalize and justify to protect their ego. They have very little or no self-esteem and get through life on confidence, which is a learned skill, and their over-inflated ego. This often takes the form of being highly critical of the behavior and attitudes of family, friends and employers. By putting others down, they are able to bolster their own ego. While a dry drunk is being super critical of others they are they often claim that others are too critical of them. This is an attempt to rid the self of intolerable feelings and motives by recognising them in others and pointing them out to others. This is often a prelude to a drinking binge."

Rosalba

Brilliant! Totally nailed it; the 'I'm not ... whatever...' followed by whatever it is they said they were not about to do is par for the course - and not only amongst alcoholics.

However, I've observed that alcoholics will escalate an argument over nothing, storm off and then use the scenario to 'justify' their drinking. From what others have reported in Alanon, my observations are far from unique.

To the OP - this is when the slogan 'Let it begin with me' and all your resources for self-care are paramount. Don't get sucked into the games (no matter how much you may want to poke him in the eye), and maintain your own serenity no matter what. Let him find his own way through this, just as you are finding yours.

(((HUGS)))

silentrun

I had some spaz episodes at 4, 6, and 9 months the first year of sobriety. They lasted about 2 weeks each. My husband could tell something was going on because I would get really antsy and start pacing the floor. If it is recovery related it will pass. If he doesn't come out of it then something else is probably going on.

LoveMeNow

Are you working a program because the OPs husband is not.

Katchie

Great question!

silentrun

SR is my program. Nobody has ever walked on eggshells around me though. That's not right that you should ever have to do that ever. I know even when I get crabby because my brain resetting that it is on me to figure out how to behave.