Saffronn

I'm writing on behalf of a friend who lives in NZ and is having a few problems with her brother who is living at her house while recovering from a meth habit of 1yr using approximately .1-2grams, (so he says) smoked per day, daily. Her brother who I'll call Fidel lived in Australia and basically ignored all calls, emails, FB msgs from the family for the 1yr duration of his habit. He eventually called after he had been busted and charged with 8 offences, the main ones being possession of meth and possession with intent to distribute. He owed 30K to various suppliers around town, was living off people's couches, jobless, had been kidnapped and "bought and sold" and obviously in deep trouble with the law. So my friends boyfriend and her mother went over and bailed him out, costing them $60K in repaying debts, lawyers fees, flights, accomm, and he was lucky to get off with a suspended sentence for 2yrs. They take him back to nz to detox at which he is now at week 5. Here is where the issues arise: to his credit he has obtained a job, stayed clean, is attending some kind of counseling with his mother.

The rest is a bit distressful for my friend: he has not expressed any gratitude for the money spent, the effort they went to, he hasn't had any therapy, not even a doctors appointment, when he speaks of his past my friend feels he is glorifying it as he compares it to a tv show, hasn't expressed any resent toward the scene or lifestyle he lived. My friend does not feel comfortable asking him questions about his habit, feelings etc and I am trying to encourage her to do so. She got around to talking about whether he missed the lifestyle and he said he missed the people, but that he wasn't actually an addict anyway. I'm like wtf how can he have the audacity to think or say that? My friend organised 20 character references to help his court case and he hasn't even bothered to read them...wtf? My main concern, being an ex poly drug abuser is that he has not really reached his rock bottom and is just buying some time. His attitude towards his addiction other than denying it, is that he's completely over it. Any suggestions?

zoso77

Saffronn,

Welcome to the Board from Northeast USA. Other members should be by to greet you in due course, but as is my wont when greeting new members, I've got a couple of thoughts, too.

When someone is truly serious about recovery and they begin the process of taking their own moral inventory, stuff like you talk about eventually gets dealt with on the recovering addict's timetable. But then there are some people who are abstaining from drugs but not working any sort of recovery. It's highly possible your friend's brother falls into that category.

Please keep in mind that 5 weeks is not a lot of time.

It's also worth remembering that no one forced your friend's family to spent $60K to save this guy from himself. That was a choice they made. Time will tell if there are any unintended consequences from that decision. If your friend's brother slides backwards and picks up (which is entirely possible), then the family may rue that decision.

In short, don't be surprised by his lack of gratitude. Addiction is an extremely selfish condition, and just because someone's not using doesn't mean the bad characterlogical stuff disappears.

My hope is you stick around and learn as much as you can. And I would also encourage your friend to visit us as well.

Again, Welcome to the Board.

Saffronn

Thank you - I should have mentioned, my friend would post if she had time but she runs her own business and basically works around the clock. I, myself am a recovering addict and am well aware of what he is going through however it is dwarfed by my anger that my friend is going through this pain. And trying my best to see her through it with as much support I can provide. Aside from posting here I've recommended NA, SMART, CBT, and definitely a visit to a gp because in my own recovery from meth and with others I know of, SSRIs are of great benefit.

The good thing is (not saying this will stop him) that meth in nz is crap quality and expensive as, wages are low too.

I'm just scared for my friend, I know how devious addicts can be and I am pretty pessimistic in regards to successful recovery from meth because I haven't seen many people make it.

Saffronn

Friendly bump, hoping for more input

Hope7726

He sounds like a lost cause who is fully prepared to suck them dry, both financially and emotionally. Not a permanent lost cause but just doesn't sound like he's ready to commit to being clean and sober right now. And what incentive does he have when his family is there to pick up the pieces of this mess he created? His family needs to set boundaries
that they are willing to enforce. As much as they care and think they are helping, they need to recognize that what they are actually doing is enabling. They're providing a comfortable environment for unacceptable behavior (no recovery plan). Without proper treatment he will relapse and then they will be stuck with an active addict in their house and nobody wants that.

Txhelp

Your friend needs to do his own recovery work....learn about addiction, dependency, etc. As you know addiction is a long road. Even sober addicts need boundaries...especially if family is picking up their pieces.

Saffronn

That's pretty much what I've said - aside from the lost cause bit. I told my friend to kick him out of the house basically as he has a job now but she really wants to support him, just doesn't know the best way to approach it.

cynical one

I have no clue how the legal system works there. But, I would encourage both your friends boyfriend and mother to draw up a loan document and repayment plan and have brother sign it and have it notarized. By doing this they may be able to collect at least some of their financial loss in a civil case if the courts would order him to do so. By having documentation he wouldn't be able to claim it was a gift. That's how it could work in the US, again no clue on AU law.

Unfortunately, they took away the life lesson by bailing him out of all his troubles.