Verbal and Emotional Abuse - Residual Anxiety
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 261
Verbal and Emotional Abuse - Residual Anxiety
I would like to welcome anyone who has been in a relationship with an emotionally/verbally abusive spouse/partner to comment on the residual effects of the trauma. I feel like I have anxiety when I talk to men now, like I still walk on egg shells a bit and I’m afraid to be myself. Almost like I have lost a bit of my identity and I’m still not in touch with it. I have not sought out counseling yet. I guess I need to.
My questions are: what are some of the residual effects of the emotional trauma you experienced? What did you do to try to resolve these scars?
Thanks to all. Love and light.
My questions are: what are some of the residual effects of the emotional trauma you experienced? What did you do to try to resolve these scars?
Thanks to all. Love and light.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
My questions are: what are some of the residual effects of the emotional trauma you experienced? What did you do to try to resolve these scars?
The residual that has stayed with me for almost 3 years, however, is I don't trust any woman in the context of a romantic relationship. My boundaries in that regard are simply impenetrable. And it's not that I don't talk to women, or women don't like me, because they do like me. I just keep them all at several arms length. This will not change any time soon.
And the way I justify this to myself is I've accomplished a lot in the 3 years that my AXGF has been gone. Academically, professionally, personally, I've done really, really well. But in order to be in a romantic relationship with someone, I would need to allow myself to be vulnerable. And that isn't going to happen anytime soon.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
Yogagurl,
I copied a portion of this for you from Wikipedia. You can pull up "Gaslighting" and read the whole article. But here's just the introductory couple of sentences.
"Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity. Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim. The term owes its origin to the play Gas Light and its film adaptations, after which it was coined popularly. The term has been used in clinical and research literature."
So after I read some more on "Gaslighting", it really helped me to understand what had happened to me, the abuse I'd been through, and it definitely has left me with some scars. It's scary. I can understand exactly what you're feeling and also your trying to understand how in the world you could let it happen to you. I've definitely changed because of it. I just recently experienced this with my 37-year-old son. For me, it was like dealing with the devil. I didn't realize how much it had affected me until one day I was at a massage therapist, who's a dear, dear friend of mine, and I was telling her how my son had taken away my grandchildren, all the money I had given him, etc., the series of repeated traumas for four years, and she said, that has really changed you, hasn't it?" And it has. Like Zoso, I have a trust issue now. I am extremely guarded. I guess it's good in a way, maybe a form of self protection. After four years of being in constant contact with my son, buying into the lies, manipulation, and all other things that goes along with it, I just felt stripped of my whole being. It's been a year and I'm healing. I got a long ways to go, but I'm working on it. AlAnon has helped me, and also this board. Although I didn't post anything for a year, I read, read, and read, and like you, learned that everyone on here who has been in a relationship with an addict/alcoholic has the exact same feelings. Thank God for the people on here. If it wasn't for this board I know would have had a complete mental and emotional breakdown. So keep reading and posting and doing a support group. Prayers to you for your healing.
I copied a portion of this for you from Wikipedia. You can pull up "Gaslighting" and read the whole article. But here's just the introductory couple of sentences.
"Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity. Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim. The term owes its origin to the play Gas Light and its film adaptations, after which it was coined popularly. The term has been used in clinical and research literature."
So after I read some more on "Gaslighting", it really helped me to understand what had happened to me, the abuse I'd been through, and it definitely has left me with some scars. It's scary. I can understand exactly what you're feeling and also your trying to understand how in the world you could let it happen to you. I've definitely changed because of it. I just recently experienced this with my 37-year-old son. For me, it was like dealing with the devil. I didn't realize how much it had affected me until one day I was at a massage therapist, who's a dear, dear friend of mine, and I was telling her how my son had taken away my grandchildren, all the money I had given him, etc., the series of repeated traumas for four years, and she said, that has really changed you, hasn't it?" And it has. Like Zoso, I have a trust issue now. I am extremely guarded. I guess it's good in a way, maybe a form of self protection. After four years of being in constant contact with my son, buying into the lies, manipulation, and all other things that goes along with it, I just felt stripped of my whole being. It's been a year and I'm healing. I got a long ways to go, but I'm working on it. AlAnon has helped me, and also this board. Although I didn't post anything for a year, I read, read, and read, and like you, learned that everyone on here who has been in a relationship with an addict/alcoholic has the exact same feelings. Thank God for the people on here. If it wasn't for this board I know would have had a complete mental and emotional breakdown. So keep reading and posting and doing a support group. Prayers to you for your healing.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
yogagurl...I have been in my own recovery as an ACOA for 19 years, along with working to do what I could for my addicts...and over time, learning I cannot do anything to help them.
I have tremendous trust issues...men and women...and a therapist told me 4 years ago that my mother would make me sick every time I saw her...and (after 13 years of tremendous patience) that I needed to stop being manipulated by her...not going to go into details...but I was finally able to go no contact with her (I have a theory...that I can let go of really hard things from the past when the present gets so hard I am barely holding on)--like Zoso77--I felt so betrayed when my mom turned on me...it was right when Dad died 13 years ago...but I realize now that she has been an alcoholic for most of my life...and although I was slow to wake up (this is where I can thank the addiction of my two oldest daughters for helping me have a spiritual awakening as I worked on myself as I came to realize I couldn't help then...although almost killed myself trying)--and my sister...but over time learned that she is completely self absorbed...always was and always will be...and I don't care if it is NPD or just alcohol...because I had to finally really understand that she will never be there for me as I was there for her all my life (caretaking was my specialty and she praised me for it but it took me down).
I am glad to know that although circumstances and 'players' are different...the story is always the same. I am working on boundaries again...and releasing with love...but thank you God...no longer my mother and sister (13 years after Dad died, I was able to accept their cutting me off...and that no amount of compulsive and obsessive reaching out was going to make it different and that it didn't matter how much over their lifetimes I was there for them...because they are incapable of being there for me...thank you God those cravings ended...and with the work I did...I am holding on to the no contact my active heroin addict daughter has set with me, because I learned from those 13 years...and I know that when people cut you off because they don't need you anymore...it doesn't matter if it was narcissism, drugs, alcohol or cold personality...they are not feeling it!
So thanks for this...and although I am in the midst of 5 years with a heroin addict daughter...I am simply working my program for me right now...and it is so very hard...and I feel so weak...but I am doing it one tinsy, teensy baby step at a time.
Grateful today.
I have tremendous trust issues...men and women...and a therapist told me 4 years ago that my mother would make me sick every time I saw her...and (after 13 years of tremendous patience) that I needed to stop being manipulated by her...not going to go into details...but I was finally able to go no contact with her (I have a theory...that I can let go of really hard things from the past when the present gets so hard I am barely holding on)--like Zoso77--I felt so betrayed when my mom turned on me...it was right when Dad died 13 years ago...but I realize now that she has been an alcoholic for most of my life...and although I was slow to wake up (this is where I can thank the addiction of my two oldest daughters for helping me have a spiritual awakening as I worked on myself as I came to realize I couldn't help then...although almost killed myself trying)--and my sister...but over time learned that she is completely self absorbed...always was and always will be...and I don't care if it is NPD or just alcohol...because I had to finally really understand that she will never be there for me as I was there for her all my life (caretaking was my specialty and she praised me for it but it took me down).
I am glad to know that although circumstances and 'players' are different...the story is always the same. I am working on boundaries again...and releasing with love...but thank you God...no longer my mother and sister (13 years after Dad died, I was able to accept their cutting me off...and that no amount of compulsive and obsessive reaching out was going to make it different and that it didn't matter how much over their lifetimes I was there for them...because they are incapable of being there for me...thank you God those cravings ended...and with the work I did...I am holding on to the no contact my active heroin addict daughter has set with me, because I learned from those 13 years...and I know that when people cut you off because they don't need you anymore...it doesn't matter if it was narcissism, drugs, alcohol or cold personality...they are not feeling it!
So thanks for this...and although I am in the midst of 5 years with a heroin addict daughter...I am simply working my program for me right now...and it is so very hard...and I feel so weak...but I am doing it one tinsy, teensy baby step at a time.
Grateful today.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
After the trauma I went through (abandonment and cheating) I have hid. I have this fear of running into my X or old mutual friends from the past. I deleted all mutual friends. I push people away. I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. I feel like I don't have any friends. I feel very lonely, but at the same time am not open. I also know that if someone who may be sort of a friend pisses me off I can let them go out of my life without even thinking about it. I don't look back. In fact the other day I realized I do this because I have been hurt and my instinct is to run away...to hide. If I hide, no one can hurt me anymore. My mom abandoned me when I was 14 (although she came back), then my X abandoned us when I 37ish. I think in a way I never have felt loved, even though I know I am. While I was with my X I had low self esteem. He didn't pay much attention to me and always criticized me. He never just accepted me for who I was. All my friends were basically his friends. He was my best friend.
When we divorced, everything began to change. I started a new job and I was so surprised to find out, people liked me a lot. I started to realize that I wasn't crazy and insane, I actually have a good head on my shoulders. My self esteem grew leaps and bounds. It felt good. For the first time, I like myself! I also am WAY more loyal to friends. I try to open myself up to people a little more. I have always been really shy and an introvert, so this is hard. I still have not been able to find a best friend. I also need to learn not to get pissed and cross someone off my friend list. I need to forgive and accept people for who they are.
I am JUST starting to feel ready to maybe date. It has been 3 years. I haven't dated or even tried to date anyone. But, I think I might be open. It would be nice to meet someone who has the same values.
I think the first step is being mindful. Then working on the why. Then what can you do to change it.
You should go see someone to talk to. You have been hurt. It takes time.
When we divorced, everything began to change. I started a new job and I was so surprised to find out, people liked me a lot. I started to realize that I wasn't crazy and insane, I actually have a good head on my shoulders. My self esteem grew leaps and bounds. It felt good. For the first time, I like myself! I also am WAY more loyal to friends. I try to open myself up to people a little more. I have always been really shy and an introvert, so this is hard. I still have not been able to find a best friend. I also need to learn not to get pissed and cross someone off my friend list. I need to forgive and accept people for who they are.
I am JUST starting to feel ready to maybe date. It has been 3 years. I haven't dated or even tried to date anyone. But, I think I might be open. It would be nice to meet someone who has the same values.
I think the first step is being mindful. Then working on the why. Then what can you do to change it.
You should go see someone to talk to. You have been hurt. It takes time.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
Originally Posted by djlook 
Yogagurl,
I copied a portion of this for you from Wikipedia. You can pull up "Gaslighting" and read the whole article. But here's just the introductory couple of sentences.
"Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity. Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim. The term owes its origin to the play Gas Light and its film adaptations, after which it was coined popularly. The term has been used in clinical and research literature."
So after I read some more on "Gaslighting", it really helped me to understand what had happened to me, the abuse I'd been through, and it definitely has left me with some scars. It's scary. I can understand exactly what you're feeling and also your trying to understand how in the world you could let it happen to you. I've definitely changed because of it. I just recently experienced this with my 37-year-old son. For me, it was like dealing with the devil. I didn't realize how much it had affected me until one day I was at a massage therapist, who's a dear, dear friend of mine, and I was telling her how my son had taken away my grandchildren, all the money I had given him, etc., the series of repeated traumas for four years, and she said, that has really changed you, hasn't it?" And it has. Like Zoso, I have a trust issue now. I am extremely guarded. I guess it's good in a way, maybe a form of self protection. After four years of being in constant contact with my son, buying into the lies, manipulation, and all other things that goes along with it, I just felt stripped of my whole being. It's been a year and I'm healing. I got a long ways to go, but I'm working on it. AlAnon has helped me, and also this board. Although I didn't post anything for a year, I read, read, and read, and like you, learned that everyone on here who has been in a relationship with an addict/alcoholic has the exact same feelings. Thank God for the people on here. If it wasn't for this board I know would have had a complete mental and emotional breakdown. So keep reading and posting and doing a support group. Prayers to you for your healing.
I copied a portion of this for you from Wikipedia. You can pull up "Gaslighting" and read the whole article. But here's just the introductory couple of sentences.
"Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity. Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim. The term owes its origin to the play Gas Light and its film adaptations, after which it was coined popularly. The term has been used in clinical and research literature."
So after I read some more on "Gaslighting", it really helped me to understand what had happened to me, the abuse I'd been through, and it definitely has left me with some scars. It's scary. I can understand exactly what you're feeling and also your trying to understand how in the world you could let it happen to you. I've definitely changed because of it. I just recently experienced this with my 37-year-old son. For me, it was like dealing with the devil. I didn't realize how much it had affected me until one day I was at a massage therapist, who's a dear, dear friend of mine, and I was telling her how my son had taken away my grandchildren, all the money I had given him, etc., the series of repeated traumas for four years, and she said, that has really changed you, hasn't it?" And it has. Like Zoso, I have a trust issue now. I am extremely guarded. I guess it's good in a way, maybe a form of self protection. After four years of being in constant contact with my son, buying into the lies, manipulation, and all other things that goes along with it, I just felt stripped of my whole being. It's been a year and I'm healing. I got a long ways to go, but I'm working on it. AlAnon has helped me, and also this board. Although I didn't post anything for a year, I read, read, and read, and like you, learned that everyone on here who has been in a relationship with an addict/alcoholic has the exact same feelings. Thank God for the people on here. If it wasn't for this board I know would have had a complete mental and emotional breakdown. So keep reading and posting and doing a support group. Prayers to you for your healing.
Avoid debate and confrontation. De-escalate as soon possible. Do not engage.
Peace
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh goodness. Well, I have PTSD from all of it. The residuals got much better through counseling.
Depression
Extremely anxious around some men
Extremely anxious
low self esteem, questioned myself all the time
suspicion that almost everyone is addicted to drugs, sex, or alcohol
Hugs to you YG. With time and self work it does get better, I promise.
Depression
Extremely anxious around some men
Extremely anxious
low self esteem, questioned myself all the time
suspicion that almost everyone is addicted to drugs, sex, or alcohol
Hugs to you YG. With time and self work it does get better, I promise.
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