Cynnyc

I was here years ago. You all helped tremendously. I had a hellish 14 year marriage to an alkie, and we had 3 kids, and the divorce and coparenting was miserable. But the kids are grown now, and I'm happy, and life is good and about to get better (I retire shortly).

Ex, who made us so miserable with his drinking and vindicativeness and rage and attacks and stupidity is now 64 years old.

He of course never stopped drinking because most don't. But it's been 10 years since I've seen him and about 5 since I've heard from him. One child won't talk to him, one talks to him occasionally by phone, and one visited him a couple years ago several times, but lost interest. He has 3 other children from another relationship and those kids don't have anything to do with him either.

He who had so much power to make us miserable, ultimately failed. He inflicted a lot of damage--and I had a lot of rough years as a single mother. But now I'm comfortable and life is peaceful and full. The kids are thriving as young adults, and I don't have to worry about visitation or him damaging them.

At one point it seemed he held all the cards, we loved him, we depended on him, and he supported us. He really made us miserable and poor and frightened. He made our lives unnecessarily difficult.

But ultimately it didn't matter. We are doing well...and he is not.

He had everything, looks, money, health, good luck, a great job, and a govt disability stipend of about $5000--meaning he lived well without working and could drink all he wanted without penalty.

And yet, he blew it all. About 2 years ago he got diabetes, so he switched from Jack D to vodka and orange juice. He's now losing toes. It's a matter of time, and he knows it. He told my son a couple months ago every month he stockpiles cigarettes and booze for the day when he is blind and can't go out and buy his own stuff. I don't know how he'll smoke without fingers and how he'll manage without toes and eyesight.

He's lonely. He's lived 10 years in the same place, drunk in the same places, and has no friends. When he gets lonely he goes down to the women's homeless shelter and offers women a place to stay and to recharge their cell phones. They stay a night or two and ditch him. Once he had a homeless woman with two teens stay about a month, and they left. He sent my son a picture of him with his arms around the two teens. My son said it made him feel weird because by the time he was a teen, his father had disappeared, he had no pictures like that of him with him father, but two strange kids did.

His father calls him once a month or so and leaves a message--call me back before noon, I'll be pretty messed up after that. My son thinks his calls are a hoot (picking up women at the homeless shelter, stockpiling booze and cigs for when he's crippled and blind like he's not going to end up in a vet nursing home deprived of both).

I'm so glad I got out. I wish I'd done it earlier. It was hard and I was enraged for years. Now I don't care. I see him as pathetic, sad and funny. He really did get what he deserves. He couldn't ruin our lives as hard as he tried.

He's going to die alone and no one is going to care. In fact, my pension goes up $1702 when he dies. This may sound heartless of me, but it's just what it is. I can't believe how I once was so caught up in that storm of misery and pointless drama and heart ache. How I once so loved him, so despaired, so hated him, so feared him. Once I resented him and blamed him. All those feelings are gone. Now I'm proud of how well we recovered and have carried on. And yes, there's a little bit of satisfaction that he ended up this way. But he had everything and threw it away for booze, and ultimately booze betrayed him. And I'm both glad and sad it did. He would have been a wonderful father and husband and employee if he'd chosen differently.

I'm just glad I chose differently in time to save myself and my children.

lillamy

You know, there's so much relief for me to hear how you, ten years down the line, have rebuilt your life out of his sphere of influence. That's wonderful, and encouraging for those of us who have a shorter time out of the alcoholic marriage and are still struggling and fighting (literally and metaphorically).

I think I "get" the "satisfaction" part, too -- even though it does sound harsh. Somehow, his continued downward spiral shows you that it was right to leave (even though I'm sure you as I had people around you telling you that you were being selfish, etc).

It's still tragic to see someone ruin their life that way.

CodeJob

Hello! Thanks for sharing this update on you Warrior. You've been through it and it is nice to hear from someone farther up the mountain.

No addiction in your kids? I worry a bit about that....

Cynnyc

My oldest flirted with addiction and I'm not sure he's completely out of the woods. But he's in school and doing well now and has fallen in love with a wonderful woman and seems to be on the right path.

You are right, the addiction of a child (who can cause as much misery as a spouse) is nothing but a tragedy. A spouse who has tried to destroy your mutual children is a different matter somehow to me. I'm far more sorry for my ex's mother than for him. She really loved him; he was her pride and hope.

But to me, I remember the maliciousness and sometimes the inhuman evil I saw in his eyes sometimes. I remember the terror of having the children go on visitation with him (before the judge took away his parental rights), and the helplessness when they told me he put them in closets and choked them.

I note he got what he deserved, he reaped what he sowed, and that is satisfying in a way because I compare what I could have become had I stayed, I would have been right there with him right now.

Instead I have a lovely home in south florida and healthy friends and relationships and have a fun week ahead of me. I'm happy. My kids are happy. It makes me really appreciate what I have now, and I tell myself my good fortune is a reflection of my good choices since leaving him.

The terror and misery of how I used to live makes my current life that much sweeter.

killerinstinct

Cynn.. Question, how long did it take for you to love someone properly again? 5 years? Did he ever say sorry to you? It sounds like he hurt you so much.. I am so sorry that he threw his life away.. It goes to show you the hold that it has on a soul.

Cynnyc

As soon as the divorce was over, I loved my children well. I am ashamed to admit that during the marriage I THOUGHT I was being a good loving mother, but I was distracted and tense. It was better during the divorce because we lived apart, but after he lost his parental rights and I didn't have to fight and be on alert about the visitation, almost immediately I became the mother I should have been all along. Suddenly I could relax and be me again, and the relaxed me is a good loving supportive smart fun mother.

To love another man took longer. Getting to the bottom of the codependency and the family baggage from having an alkie father and codep mother took longer.

My first serious relation ship afterwards was about 3 years after the divorce. I was on alert for addictive behavior and very upfront about not wanting to deal with anyone with alcohol problems, or regular drinking. I didn't mind occasional social drinking, but I was not okay with daily drinking. Turned out he secretly drank and was hiding it from me.

They can only pretend for so long, and when that collapsed, I got myself right out of the relationship. I was proud of myself for that. I did nothing codependent and IT WORKED. IT WAS SO MUCH BETTER GIVING UP THE CODEPENDENT BEHAVIORS I'D IGNORED FOR SO LONG.

I cannot emphasize that enough. Giving up the codependency WORKED, and was so freeing and made everything so clear and easy, and I got out of the relationship promptly and am proud.

I've grown and learned.

However....I still PICKED another alkie--even though he had hidden all the flags I still was attracted to an alkie. And that's was still a problem.

So I learned and grew and worked on my family of origin issues which drew me subconciously to another alkie.

About 2 years ago I started a real nice relationship, and within 3 months knew without seeing him ever drink or drunk or do something irresponsible--in fact I really respected his integrity and honesty. But I just knew he had an alcohol problems that maybe even he wasn't aware of. I don't know how bad, or the nature of them. But you know in the beginning of a relationship everyone is extra nice and good natured, and I saw him appropriately drink a couple glasses of white wine, but I just KNEW he had drinking problems.

Maybe they weren't severe, maybe he wasn't aware of them, maybe he was just a drinker who could always responsibly drink--I don't know. But I knew it wasn't my issue to find out and I didn't want to have to think about it--so I eased out of the relationship.

Am I am proud. Not only did I get out, but I didn't get sucked in. I grew and learned, and am happy that I didn't. And maybe I am wrong and he didn't have some kind of addiction problem--but I don't think I am, and even if I am, I am glad I didn't take the risk.

Recently I have started another relationship, and yes we go out to restaurants and drink--but it's different. And it's very healthy. It just feels healthy in every way. I don't know if it will go anywhere, but this is the right TYPE of relationship.

You really don't know if you love someone until you've been with them for at least 2 years, so who knows, maybe it's just limerance. And if it is, and turns out not to be right, it also doesn't matter, because now I know what to look for.

Refiner

What a wonderful story (for YOU and yours). Too bad so sad for him, but it's all his choice.

peaceofpi

I am so glad to hear how freeing yourself from the situation helped you and your kids.
Were your kids older when they told you about the abuse? My young son, after visitations with his alcoholic dad, has tried to choke me several times but won't say where he learned that behavior or talk about anything. He says and does things that are inappropriate for his age.
It is hell co-parenting with an active alcoholic.