Went to the abyss, finally back to earth
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Went to the abyss, finally back to earth
I had a horrific summer. Guess it started around Christmas, but don't want too get into that again. I was okay, I handled all of that stuff.
Then I find out my ex is retiring. It had to do with splitting the pension, he was trying to screw me again. I can't afford a lawyer so I needed to deal with it.
I couldn't deal with him, it put me back in the past where I didn't want to be anymore. I started drinking again.
I don't recall how long I did this for 3 weeks, 6 weeks, or 4 weeks. I read a post on here on Sept 15th. I began to realize what I was doing. I was self medicating again. I knew I had to think about things, and I just didn't want to, but think about things, I did. It never left my mind. My ex was trying to screw with me. That post on Sept 15th brought me back to reality. I had already lost reality. I didn't stop drinking on the 15th, I stopped on the 17th. I just wanted to die.
I couldn't deal with being treated like I didn't matter, didn't exist.
Even after I stopped drinking, I still had the PTSD, and I would just watch the TV whether it was on or off.
The only way I know how to deal with that PTSD is to get away from the source of it. I thought I did with the divorce, now it came back again.
I would really love to thank a member here that pm'd me and said, I read you a lot, and you don't sound right to me. What's up?
I kind of did know I wasn't "right" in the head, didn't think it was noticed too much. Been trying to poke my head in once in awhile now. If I offended anyone, I am truly sorry.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy
Then I find out my ex is retiring. It had to do with splitting the pension, he was trying to screw me again. I can't afford a lawyer so I needed to deal with it.
I couldn't deal with him, it put me back in the past where I didn't want to be anymore. I started drinking again.
I don't recall how long I did this for 3 weeks, 6 weeks, or 4 weeks. I read a post on here on Sept 15th. I began to realize what I was doing. I was self medicating again. I knew I had to think about things, and I just didn't want to, but think about things, I did. It never left my mind. My ex was trying to screw with me. That post on Sept 15th brought me back to reality. I had already lost reality. I didn't stop drinking on the 15th, I stopped on the 17th. I just wanted to die.
I couldn't deal with being treated like I didn't matter, didn't exist.
Even after I stopped drinking, I still had the PTSD, and I would just watch the TV whether it was on or off.
The only way I know how to deal with that PTSD is to get away from the source of it. I thought I did with the divorce, now it came back again.
I would really love to thank a member here that pm'd me and said, I read you a lot, and you don't sound right to me. What's up?
I kind of did know I wasn't "right" in the head, didn't think it was noticed too much. Been trying to poke my head in once in awhile now. If I offended anyone, I am truly sorry.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
We are all human Amy and we do things that aren't always right for us. All you can do is recognize what is wrong and fix it. I hope you're ok! And you know, it takes a lot to offend me! 
Much love to you friend!!!
Much love to you friend!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Hi, Amy... I'm glad you're here. I know the PTSD part very well -- had to put up with NPD sister plus she's an alcoholic for 50 years. My enabling Mom was the only reason I still had to deal with her. So when she passed away, I finally was able to break free 100% and go No Contact. If I still had to have ties to her, that PTSD would be a big issue for me. Now, I only have to deal with it when something triggers me. I feel for you that your X is dragging you through the crap again. Stay strong. (((HUGS)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Thank you everyone. I was totally wrong in drinking again. It did numb my mind and made me forget, but all that did was to make me procrastinate and put things off longer. I just didn't want to deal with things, but they weren't going away.
I do have a good support system but I hate to ask for help. I lie to everyone and tell them how good I am doing. I would have been in financial ruin for a few months next year, and my friends offered to loan me the money till I get my financial situation straightened out. They know I will receive a retroactive payment, and they will wait till then for me to repay it.
I don't even think the financial mess I'll be in bothered me that much, it was just the contact with him, and that arrogance, coldness, indifference in the emails, I felt like he was spitting on me. I had to read them because it involved financial matters due to his retirement, I just didn't want to, but I did and responded to each one of them. Then I stopped the drinking and refused to even acknowledge them. I had already threatened him with contempt of court. I didn't respond to him for about a month, then sent the email last week, asking again for what the divorce decree stated. Surprisingly he responded with the info that I needed.
When I was drinking, I think I just wanted to fight with him, then I backed out of it and went no contact. I wouldn't participate in his game. He didn't get to aggravate me everyday, or I should word this as, I wasn't allowing him to aggravate me.
I think even as I am writing this, I am still trying to figure things out in my head. When that PTSD hit, my first reaction was to fight. That was wrong, so I put myself right into that. I argued back, I shouldn't have. I should have just stated the facts. Instead I wanted to beat him over the head with the facts. He was in my head so much and I felt like I was still married.
It was getting me sick, and I think he was enjoying it. I am a big advocate of "No Contact" now, or Limited Contact. The more time that you allow someone to invade the space in your head, the sicker you will get.
I did come to this forum everyday, I wasn't posting that much then, but was reading, so many posts resonated with me, and sometimes it seemed I was falling back into the abyss. I would read the responses, but they weren't hitting me then, because I felt they weren't directed to me. (How could they be when I wasn't posting?)
I remember that saying, "take my advice please, because I'm not using it anyway" lol, and I realized I needed my own advice, and I needed other peoples advice. What I was doing wasn't working.
You would think after being here for over 3 years I could have figured that one out sooner!!!!
My mind isn't altogether right now, but I do something each day instead of sitting in front of the TV, having my pity parties. I needed to do something visual, so that I could look at it and be motivated for the next project. I'm painting closets, then will install some shelving, then will do that garage floor paint in my basement. Next spring, I already got my garden beds put in, I just have to fill them up.
All the advice given here, the don't give him space in your head rent-free, do something for yourself, it's all dead-on, why didn't I see that before?
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
amy
I do have a good support system but I hate to ask for help. I lie to everyone and tell them how good I am doing. I would have been in financial ruin for a few months next year, and my friends offered to loan me the money till I get my financial situation straightened out. They know I will receive a retroactive payment, and they will wait till then for me to repay it.
I don't even think the financial mess I'll be in bothered me that much, it was just the contact with him, and that arrogance, coldness, indifference in the emails, I felt like he was spitting on me. I had to read them because it involved financial matters due to his retirement, I just didn't want to, but I did and responded to each one of them. Then I stopped the drinking and refused to even acknowledge them. I had already threatened him with contempt of court. I didn't respond to him for about a month, then sent the email last week, asking again for what the divorce decree stated. Surprisingly he responded with the info that I needed.
When I was drinking, I think I just wanted to fight with him, then I backed out of it and went no contact. I wouldn't participate in his game. He didn't get to aggravate me everyday, or I should word this as, I wasn't allowing him to aggravate me.
I think even as I am writing this, I am still trying to figure things out in my head. When that PTSD hit, my first reaction was to fight. That was wrong, so I put myself right into that. I argued back, I shouldn't have. I should have just stated the facts. Instead I wanted to beat him over the head with the facts. He was in my head so much and I felt like I was still married.
It was getting me sick, and I think he was enjoying it. I am a big advocate of "No Contact" now, or Limited Contact. The more time that you allow someone to invade the space in your head, the sicker you will get.
I did come to this forum everyday, I wasn't posting that much then, but was reading, so many posts resonated with me, and sometimes it seemed I was falling back into the abyss. I would read the responses, but they weren't hitting me then, because I felt they weren't directed to me. (How could they be when I wasn't posting?)
I remember that saying, "take my advice please, because I'm not using it anyway" lol, and I realized I needed my own advice, and I needed other peoples advice. What I was doing wasn't working.
You would think after being here for over 3 years I could have figured that one out sooner!!!!My mind isn't altogether right now, but I do something each day instead of sitting in front of the TV, having my pity parties. I needed to do something visual, so that I could look at it and be motivated for the next project. I'm painting closets, then will install some shelving, then will do that garage floor paint in my basement. Next spring, I already got my garden beds put in, I just have to fill them up.
All the advice given here, the don't give him space in your head rent-free, do something for yourself, it's all dead-on, why didn't I see that before?
((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
amy
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