I'm pushing her away
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 1
I'm pushing her away
Hi everyone. This is my first post and even though its behind a computer screen I am very nervous.
My beautiful girlfriend is now on day 10 without a drink which is awesome! Unfortunately my anger from the past and the mold of "tough love" that I got into has not helped her at all to this point.
During the initial days I didn't understand what she would be going through with withdraws and I didn't respond well to what I know now was her cries for help. I just got upset that I felt that she was starting something to distract herself from the symptoms and to maybe use as an excuse to maybe take a drink.
Thanks to her determination I didn't get in the way of what she is trying to accomplish and I am so proud of her!
I am not an drinker and had the misconception that she could just stop and I believe that my ignorance has led to alot of my past anger about the situation.
What she is doing with taking control is what I have wanted for so long and I am upset with myself that I am actually pushing her away because she does need positive influences in her life and I in the initial stages of her recovery have not been the person that she needs and wants.
That said I want what she wants and I am determined to show her that with the first step of educating myself. She is the love of my life and at the end of the day she is a great person who has had a great influence on my life in so many ways.
I have needed her and now she needs me so any advise would be great and appreciated. Not only so I can help her but also to help me.
Norealis
My beautiful girlfriend is now on day 10 without a drink which is awesome! Unfortunately my anger from the past and the mold of "tough love" that I got into has not helped her at all to this point.
During the initial days I didn't understand what she would be going through with withdraws and I didn't respond well to what I know now was her cries for help. I just got upset that I felt that she was starting something to distract herself from the symptoms and to maybe use as an excuse to maybe take a drink.
Thanks to her determination I didn't get in the way of what she is trying to accomplish and I am so proud of her!
I am not an drinker and had the misconception that she could just stop and I believe that my ignorance has led to alot of my past anger about the situation.
What she is doing with taking control is what I have wanted for so long and I am upset with myself that I am actually pushing her away because she does need positive influences in her life and I in the initial stages of her recovery have not been the person that she needs and wants.
That said I want what she wants and I am determined to show her that with the first step of educating myself. She is the love of my life and at the end of the day she is a great person who has had a great influence on my life in so many ways.
I have needed her and now she needs me so any advise would be great and appreciated. Not only so I can help her but also to help me.
Norealis
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Hi,
I know it's a hard thing to do to make that first post. I'm glad you did, and I'm glad you're here -- because this is a good place to learn about alcoholism and what it does to people, both the ones who drink and the ones who love them.
I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but the best way you can help her is by focusing on you. Remember that you didn't cause her alcoholism, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
Learning about alcoholism was very helpful to me when I was married to an alcoholic. It explained to me all the levels the addiction affects a person, and also how little I could influence whether he chose to drink or not. The stickied posts on top of the forum have a wealth of information. I also got a lot of help and support from Al-Anon. There's something about meeting face to face with other people who love an addict that made me feel safe and not so alone.
I know it's a hard thing to do to make that first post. I'm glad you did, and I'm glad you're here -- because this is a good place to learn about alcoholism and what it does to people, both the ones who drink and the ones who love them.
I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but the best way you can help her is by focusing on you. Remember that you didn't cause her alcoholism, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
Learning about alcoholism was very helpful to me when I was married to an alcoholic. It explained to me all the levels the addiction affects a person, and also how little I could influence whether he chose to drink or not. The stickied posts on top of the forum have a wealth of information. I also got a lot of help and support from Al-Anon. There's something about meeting face to face with other people who love an addict that made me feel safe and not so alone.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Illinois
Posts: 28
Norealis-months later I still get nervous about posting...but soon you will find how loving, supportive, & truly incredible most of the people on SR truly are! Welcome.
Lillamy is right-you have to focus on you; that includes learning as much as you can about addiction, codependency, and programs (AA, rational recovery, etc.); sometimes there is a fine line between being "codie" & being the best support you can be!
SR is a great place to start. Find Alanon meetings in your area; they aren't for everyone, but don't give up if the first one you go to doesn't feel right. the first few groups I went to didn't fit, but finally found one that does!
Good luck to you & your partner.
Lillamy is right-you have to focus on you; that includes learning as much as you can about addiction, codependency, and programs (AA, rational recovery, etc.); sometimes there is a fine line between being "codie" & being the best support you can be!
SR is a great place to start. Find Alanon meetings in your area; they aren't for everyone, but don't give up if the first one you go to doesn't feel right. the first few groups I went to didn't fit, but finally found one that does!
Good luck to you & your partner.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Congrats to your girlfriend on 10 sober days. Early sobriety is hard for the A, hopefully she works on her recovery diligently and remains sober.
What can you do? What you can't do is "help" her.....you can help you. For her to be successful, she has to do it for herself. Not for anyone else. The only people who can really help the A are other sober A's. That's why AA is so important. They need that fellowship that comes from people who have been there.
Keep your focus on you. Find an AlAnon group near you, there is a wealth of knowledge and support in those meetings for those of us who love an A. Learn about this disease. Read everything you can. Set up your home to support her sobriety. I got rid of all alcohol in our house, and I never drink around my A.
I wish the both of you success. My A has been sober for 2 years now. We both work our own recoveries, him in AA and me in AlAnon. Grateful for each sober day.
What can you do? What you can't do is "help" her.....you can help you. For her to be successful, she has to do it for herself. Not for anyone else. The only people who can really help the A are other sober A's. That's why AA is so important. They need that fellowship that comes from people who have been there.
Keep your focus on you. Find an AlAnon group near you, there is a wealth of knowledge and support in those meetings for those of us who love an A. Learn about this disease. Read everything you can. Set up your home to support her sobriety. I got rid of all alcohol in our house, and I never drink around my A.
I wish the both of you success. My A has been sober for 2 years now. We both work our own recoveries, him in AA and me in AlAnon. Grateful for each sober day.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
There are posts here from the past written by a man who called himself "Poh's Friend" that are a wonderful love story of how he and his wife continued their love story as she conquered her alcohol addiction.
If you go to the "Search" link at the top of the page, and type in "Poh's Friend", you'll find them and I think you'll find they are inspirational.
Good luck, come here often, and never worry about posting too much. You are among friends who understand.
ShootingStar1
If you go to the "Search" link at the top of the page, and type in "Poh's Friend", you'll find them and I think you'll find they are inspirational.
Good luck, come here often, and never worry about posting too much. You are among friends who understand.
ShootingStar1
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