Reflecting on my ignorance
Stoic
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wash D.C.
Posts: 321
Reflecting on my ignorance
Good morning!
I'm here at work, not quite ready to start my day yet...reflecting on how I got to where I am in my understanding of alcoholism.
The things I used to think! Oofta.
A quick story about my first (and only) trip to an AA meeting. It was maybe a little more than 9 years ago, my AW and I were fighting 24/7...looking back now I see it was all my fault we were fighting, because I thought that begging, pleading, and trying to get her to stop drinking would actually do something. Silly me.
So, one evening, apropo of nothing, my AW said that she wanted to go to an AA meeting. I was over the moon! I looked up where the next AA meeting would be...I told her it was time to leave...codie much?
It was a very emotional experience for me. I thought I was seeing my wife returning to me...instead of the hissing badger that occupied our bedroom and only talked to me if she needed a ride to the grocery for more wine.
She was sharing, engaging, emotional...I just sat next to her holding her hand and was thinking how everything I've been going through to get her to return to normal is finally worth it, finally we'd be able to be a family again.
It was all puppy dogs and kitten tails as we started driving home. The world was right. All was well.
Not three minutes later, she said "Stop at this Harris Teeter (it's a grocery store), I need to get a bottle."
What?! The shock of being on cloud nine one moment, to getting dropped back to the Earth in a heap a second later was very jarring to me. I still remember the feeling, it was almost like my stomach dropped out like on a roller coaster going down the first hill.
So, I did my normal thing. I begged her not to, I pleaded with her...I tried to reason with her about how we just left an AA meeting, how in the heck can she get something to drink five minutes later. It didn't work of course.
I refused to stop for her, and was driving us home. She began to hit me on the shoulder repeatedly...nothing with force, just like a "let me out let me out" type of thing. So, I pulled over and stopped, said "You want to get out, go ahead, get out."
She got out, shut the door, and started walking to the grocery. I rolled down the window and yelled for her to call me if she needed a ride back. (we were miles from home) Then I drove away, thinking how that will teach her a lesson.
She never came home that night. I barely slept...and she wasn't answering her phone. It wasn't the first time she didn't come home after going out to drink, and there were probably at least 100 times after that throughout the years. She came home the next day a little before noon. Never offered an explanation, though I surely asked. (I was hardcore codie)
So, that's the story about one of the many ways I underestimated my AW's addiction. Thanks for reading while I therapeutically write out how ignorant I was, haha.
Do you have any stories about how uninformed you were about your A's addiction, and the (in retrospect) silly things you thought were actually helping the situation?
I'm here at work, not quite ready to start my day yet...reflecting on how I got to where I am in my understanding of alcoholism.
The things I used to think! Oofta.
A quick story about my first (and only) trip to an AA meeting. It was maybe a little more than 9 years ago, my AW and I were fighting 24/7...looking back now I see it was all my fault we were fighting, because I thought that begging, pleading, and trying to get her to stop drinking would actually do something. Silly me.
So, one evening, apropo of nothing, my AW said that she wanted to go to an AA meeting. I was over the moon! I looked up where the next AA meeting would be...I told her it was time to leave...codie much?
It was a very emotional experience for me. I thought I was seeing my wife returning to me...instead of the hissing badger that occupied our bedroom and only talked to me if she needed a ride to the grocery for more wine.
She was sharing, engaging, emotional...I just sat next to her holding her hand and was thinking how everything I've been going through to get her to return to normal is finally worth it, finally we'd be able to be a family again.
It was all puppy dogs and kitten tails as we started driving home. The world was right. All was well.
Not three minutes later, she said "Stop at this Harris Teeter (it's a grocery store), I need to get a bottle."
What?! The shock of being on cloud nine one moment, to getting dropped back to the Earth in a heap a second later was very jarring to me. I still remember the feeling, it was almost like my stomach dropped out like on a roller coaster going down the first hill.
So, I did my normal thing. I begged her not to, I pleaded with her...I tried to reason with her about how we just left an AA meeting, how in the heck can she get something to drink five minutes later. It didn't work of course.
I refused to stop for her, and was driving us home. She began to hit me on the shoulder repeatedly...nothing with force, just like a "let me out let me out" type of thing. So, I pulled over and stopped, said "You want to get out, go ahead, get out."
She got out, shut the door, and started walking to the grocery. I rolled down the window and yelled for her to call me if she needed a ride back. (we were miles from home) Then I drove away, thinking how that will teach her a lesson.
She never came home that night. I barely slept...and she wasn't answering her phone. It wasn't the first time she didn't come home after going out to drink, and there were probably at least 100 times after that throughout the years. She came home the next day a little before noon. Never offered an explanation, though I surely asked. (I was hardcore codie)
So, that's the story about one of the many ways I underestimated my AW's addiction. Thanks for reading while I therapeutically write out how ignorant I was, haha.
Do you have any stories about how uninformed you were about your A's addiction, and the (in retrospect) silly things you thought were actually helping the situation?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Oh, I thought he'd outgrow his drinking. I thought once we had a child, he'd focus on being a father. I thought puking every morning would be a warning from his own body that he'd listen to. I thought when he admitted he drank at lunch on workdays would make him see how serious his addiction was... Guess not!
Amusingly in marital counseling this week, he tried to state that being a daily drinker was not a warning sign of problems with A. I looked him right in the eye and said, "but you'd speak to your son if he was drinking daily and express concern, wouldn't you? With your experience?" "Well yeah, with his blood he said..."
What a an amusing example of DENIAL. The guy is walking around with a fortress of it. Thankfully I didn't tackle him with it, but I probably was eye rolling... 
Amusingly in marital counseling this week, he tried to state that being a daily drinker was not a warning sign of problems with A. I looked him right in the eye and said, "but you'd speak to your son if he was drinking daily and express concern, wouldn't you? With your experience?" "Well yeah, with his blood he said..."
What a an amusing example of DENIAL. The guy is walking around with a fortress of it. Thankfully I didn't tackle him with it, but I probably was eye rolling... Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I thought that having a near death experience would open his eyes. He was up drinking and cut his hand on a glass he broke. He wandered around the house in a drunken blackout, bleeding everywhere before coming upstairs and sitting on the edge of the bed. I woke up and saw that he had severed an artery in his hand. He asked me to help him put a band aid on it, which now seems like a good metaphor for our relationship, when I think of it.
I got up and called 911, trying to get him an ambulance. He knocked the phone out of my hand in the middle of the call and smashed it to pieces. Two cops showed up at the door, calmed him down and called an ambulance.
I spent the rest of the night on my hands and knees cleaning up quarts of blood off the walls, floors and every surface of the downstairs and unclogging the toilet. He had tried to use an entire box of Kleenex to stop the bleeding and then flushed the wad of bloody tissues. It overflowed the bowl and started running down the wall to the downstairs like a waterfall. I had actually fallen asleep on the couch after I got the blood cleaned up and was dreaming of a waterfall for a little bit before I woke up and realized what was really going on.
Finally I finished and found another phone to plug into the jack. When it rang I begged them to keep him for detox, but he had already refused that, so I got my son out of bed and dragged him to the ER to pick up my ex, who now had his arm in a cast from his fingertips to his elbow. He started screaming and cursing at me as soon as he got in the car, calling me vile names. They checked his BAC in the ER and based on the results (the admitting physician couldn't believe he was not only conscious but ambulatory, because there was "almost more alcohol than blood in his body") had recommended substance abuse treatment. "So now everyone thinks I have a drinking problem, thanks a lot you effing b!"
I drove him to the VA and dumped him in their ER, over the protests of both him and the desk clerk at the VA and told him not to bother calling me for another ride. So he took a taxi home. I called his parents in tears, and they jumped into it with both feet. His mom laid down a longer, tearier guilt trip than I ever could have managed (she truly is a master) and his dad dragged him to an AA meeting.
Somehow none of this worked. I really had thought that once he saw how I had not only saved his life but cleaned everything up and made it all nice for him again that he would realize he had a problem, be grateful to me and stop drinking for good, which obviously would have solved all of our problems. *facepalm*
Oh, and a footnote, because this isn't nearly shameful enough. This happened during his final attempt at school, near the end of the semester. He had a paper due and couldn't type it himself because of the cast (which was my fault), so I TYPED HIS HOMEWORK FOR HIM! And once again expected him to be GRATEFUL to me.
Good thing I only stuck around for five more years of this crap, otherwise things might have gotten really bad.
I got up and called 911, trying to get him an ambulance. He knocked the phone out of my hand in the middle of the call and smashed it to pieces. Two cops showed up at the door, calmed him down and called an ambulance.
I spent the rest of the night on my hands and knees cleaning up quarts of blood off the walls, floors and every surface of the downstairs and unclogging the toilet. He had tried to use an entire box of Kleenex to stop the bleeding and then flushed the wad of bloody tissues. It overflowed the bowl and started running down the wall to the downstairs like a waterfall. I had actually fallen asleep on the couch after I got the blood cleaned up and was dreaming of a waterfall for a little bit before I woke up and realized what was really going on.
Finally I finished and found another phone to plug into the jack. When it rang I begged them to keep him for detox, but he had already refused that, so I got my son out of bed and dragged him to the ER to pick up my ex, who now had his arm in a cast from his fingertips to his elbow. He started screaming and cursing at me as soon as he got in the car, calling me vile names. They checked his BAC in the ER and based on the results (the admitting physician couldn't believe he was not only conscious but ambulatory, because there was "almost more alcohol than blood in his body") had recommended substance abuse treatment. "So now everyone thinks I have a drinking problem, thanks a lot you effing b!"
I drove him to the VA and dumped him in their ER, over the protests of both him and the desk clerk at the VA and told him not to bother calling me for another ride. So he took a taxi home. I called his parents in tears, and they jumped into it with both feet. His mom laid down a longer, tearier guilt trip than I ever could have managed (she truly is a master) and his dad dragged him to an AA meeting.
Somehow none of this worked. I really had thought that once he saw how I had not only saved his life but cleaned everything up and made it all nice for him again that he would realize he had a problem, be grateful to me and stop drinking for good, which obviously would have solved all of our problems. *facepalm*
Oh, and a footnote, because this isn't nearly shameful enough. This happened during his final attempt at school, near the end of the semester. He had a paper due and couldn't type it himself because of the cast (which was my fault), so I TYPED HIS HOMEWORK FOR HIM! And once again expected him to be GRATEFUL to me.
Good thing I only stuck around for five more years of this crap, otherwise things might have gotten really bad.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Oh, god yeah I have stories. In the last year of RAH's active drinking we both pulled some real doozies.
There was the night that we went to see our friend's band & in just a few short hours he went from driving us there to laying on the concrete sidewalk beside my van unable to lift himself inside. I pondered how he had drank "so fast" to reach this state & had to leave him alone while I went back inside to grab our friends the minute they walked off stage - so they could literally pick him up off the sidewalk. With 2 huge guys holding him on either side, he STILL couldn't stand on his own.
Another night - another friend's band. Yep, he got drunk but I saw it coming & thought we had left the bar early enough to avoid issues. Silly me! He sat in the passenger seat with the door open & one foot outside because he was so sick to his stomach already. I listened to the entire 3rd set from the van, watched them tear down & haul away their equipment & was still sitting in that lot after the bar had closed because every time he got fully inside & I put the van in gear, he would fling the door open again & I was terrified he would do that while we were on the bridge or something stupid.
One night while he & a buddy had destroyed a bottle of Jaeggermeister along with their beers I couldn't convince them to stay seated because they were determined to go joyriding through our woods in friend's Jeep - it was muddy & rutted up & they were blasted. I still don't even remember what in the WORLD I thought I could do to control he situation BY GOING ALONG?! (except that I was tired of being called the buzzkill, the one that couldn't relax or let go or {my fave} unclench long enough to have fun....) But it was one of the scariest experiences I've ever had & when they went for a repeat ride a few weeks later I had learned my lesson & decided DD needed one live, functioning parent so instead we argued for an hour before he went anyway.
Or the night one of his OWN drinking buddies roofied him & he didn't even remember leaving the bar.... at 6pm? That was my rock bottom moment.
I can look back on now & recognize he was likely in a blackout state each of those times. I wonder how *I* have not seen how bad he had gotten - how could I not see the bigger picture?
There was the night that we went to see our friend's band & in just a few short hours he went from driving us there to laying on the concrete sidewalk beside my van unable to lift himself inside. I pondered how he had drank "so fast" to reach this state & had to leave him alone while I went back inside to grab our friends the minute they walked off stage - so they could literally pick him up off the sidewalk. With 2 huge guys holding him on either side, he STILL couldn't stand on his own.
Another night - another friend's band. Yep, he got drunk but I saw it coming & thought we had left the bar early enough to avoid issues. Silly me! He sat in the passenger seat with the door open & one foot outside because he was so sick to his stomach already. I listened to the entire 3rd set from the van, watched them tear down & haul away their equipment & was still sitting in that lot after the bar had closed because every time he got fully inside & I put the van in gear, he would fling the door open again & I was terrified he would do that while we were on the bridge or something stupid.
One night while he & a buddy had destroyed a bottle of Jaeggermeister along with their beers I couldn't convince them to stay seated because they were determined to go joyriding through our woods in friend's Jeep - it was muddy & rutted up & they were blasted. I still don't even remember what in the WORLD I thought I could do to control he situation BY GOING ALONG?! (except that I was tired of being called the buzzkill, the one that couldn't relax or let go or {my fave} unclench long enough to have fun....) But it was one of the scariest experiences I've ever had & when they went for a repeat ride a few weeks later I had learned my lesson & decided DD needed one live, functioning parent so instead we argued for an hour before he went anyway.
Or the night one of his OWN drinking buddies roofied him & he didn't even remember leaving the bar.... at 6pm? That was my rock bottom moment.
I can look back on now & recognize he was likely in a blackout state each of those times. I wonder how *I* have not seen how bad he had gotten - how could I not see the bigger picture?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I can look back on now & recognize he was likely in a blackout state each of those times. I wonder how *I* have not seen how bad he had gotten - how could I not see the bigger picture?
Yeah, that's where I really see how crazy I got. My ex was a blackout binge drinker. Until he progressed to being a blackout daily drinker. He really had no idea that a lot of the stuff I used to rage about was even happening, and of course I always cleaned up the mess like a good little codie.
A few weeks ago in an Alanon meeting we were talking about amends, and one of the double winners was talking about his AA amends and how stuff he had forgotten the first time around would still come up once in a while (he's been sober 20+ years).
I said, well you were on drugs. I was totally sober doing all this crazy crap! What was my excuse?
Yeah, that's where I really see how crazy I got. My ex was a blackout binge drinker. Until he progressed to being a blackout daily drinker. He really had no idea that a lot of the stuff I used to rage about was even happening, and of course I always cleaned up the mess like a good little codie.
A few weeks ago in an Alanon meeting we were talking about amends, and one of the double winners was talking about his AA amends and how stuff he had forgotten the first time around would still come up once in a while (he's been sober 20+ years).
I said, well you were on drugs. I was totally sober doing all this crazy crap! What was my excuse?
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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Do you have any stories about how uninformed you were about your A's addiction, and the (in retrospect) silly things you thought were actually helping the situation?
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler 
I was totally sober doing all this crazy crap! What was my excuse?
WTH was wrong with me that I couldn't see reality, denied it when I did, minimized everything, ignored red flags & lowered my standards on acceptable behavior more & more as time went on? His drinking & resulting behaviors were his fault, but I was just as actively dysfunctional.
And PS - I can't seem to use proper grammar today & am thinking faster than I am typing so I keep missing words. My posts are ridiculous but un-editable at this point, lol!
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Wow, resigned... If you take the story you shared and change the genders around, that's pretty much me and xAH to a 'T'... And that was when things were still "ok"...
It's amazing to see in hindsight how crazy our actions were right alongside theirs huh?
It's amazing to see in hindsight how crazy our actions were right alongside theirs huh?
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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Once when AXH had gotten into a shouting match with his boss and gone home to get drunk I actually called the boss and apologized on his behalf and tried to explain that he was under a lot of stress because of personal stuff (that I completely made up). I cried. And he kept his job.
And we're calling the addicts crazy.
And we're calling the addicts crazy.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Less than a year ago, well into a horrid, acrimonious divorce, when I should have been glad to see him digging his own hole I did something VERY similar... So now that he has lost the job on his own anyway, I know damn well what a FOOL I look like to his employer... Ugh!
Originally Posted by lillamy
Once when AXH had gotten into a shouting match with his boss and gone home to get drunk I actually called the boss and apologized on his behalf and tried to explain that he was under a lot of stress because of personal stuff (that I completely made up). I cried. And he kept his job.
And we're calling the addicts crazy.
And we're calling the addicts crazy.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 256
I always believed that he was just "tired" when he would pass out on the couch.
Never noticed either that his bottled juice that he watered down with vodka would be lighter in color than it should. and that the water bottles in the car, garage, etc were indeed water even though they were opened.
Never noticed either that his bottled juice that he watered down with vodka would be lighter in color than it should. and that the water bottles in the car, garage, etc were indeed water even though they were opened.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
Rah was convicted of DUI and received 6 months probation as part of his sentence. Three days before his LAST visit with his PO he went on a binge and apparently did not remember doing drugs too. Of course when he was drug tested he failed and was now in violation of probation and a warrant for his arrest issued. Several months later the police came to our house in the middle of the night and took him to jail where he sat for a week. I, being the good little codie that I am, paid s lawyer $1000 to get him out. I was SURE he'd learned his lesson and would get sober. Why was I so sure? Drum roll please..... Because he told me so. What an idiot was I! That was 5 years and many many binges ago.
Live and learn
Live and learn
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: FtW, Tx
Posts: 198
I too suffered in complete ignorance... between my alcoholic drug addict mother, my AXW and my alcoholic neighbor who is quite literally drinking himself to death. Thought I could help or fix them. One thing that I have learned throughout all this is some people are just bad people and CHOOSE to do bad things. As hard as it may be to watch they have the absolute right to be a bad person and do bad things. I believe everybody knows what they are doing. When you are hurting the people around you and they express their concern for your behavior yet you choose to continue the hurtful behavior you do not value that relationship plain and simple. When you have many people all around you expressing the same concern and you choose to do nothing but deny and justify your actions that to me is a huge problem. Again if I learned one thing in this big long mess is people who consistently do bad things are choosing to be bad people!!! Trying to fix them into what I perceive to be a good person is not only futile but also not my responsibility. I have found it is best to keep them at a safe distance until they decide for themselves to change. Very few do!!!!
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: The South
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Wow. Amazing stories and I'll confess straight shots to the solar plexus of my "I'll save my drinking wife" hopes, prayers, attitude and arrogance. Thank you all for sharing.
That said, I'm going to persevere, but change tactics a bit and put a "pull the plug" timeline on the effort.
I'm afraid my screen name should be Stupid White Knight.
That said, I'm going to persevere, but change tactics a bit and put a "pull the plug" timeline on the effort.
I'm afraid my screen name should be Stupid White Knight.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Originally Posted by Rev 3:16
Wow. Amazing stories and I'll confess straight shots to the solar plexus of my "I'll save my drinking wife" hopes, prayers, attitude and arrogance. Thank you all for sharing.
That said, I'm going to persevere, but change tactics a bit and put a "pull the plug" timeline on the effort.
I'm afraid my screen name should be Stupid White Knight.
That said, I'm going to persevere, but change tactics a bit and put a "pull the plug" timeline on the effort.
I'm afraid my screen name should be Stupid White Knight.
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