brickthrowing

I Don't Drink Alcohol.

Its a powerful thing to be able to say to yourself.

It can make you feel special when nothing else does at the moment. Its empowering to know that you've got this special talent to say NO.

One can be sober and happy for months, weeks, years even, and one day it can happen…The switch goes off and there, what seems out of the blue -- that ruiner of all good things…. "I'm gonna drink".

And suddenly the special super powers fade away, and there is no more feeling special. Just the feeling of being a sad alcohol abuser again.

Yes, this happened to me. I admit its been a long struggle but I was happy being sober, feeling strong and rather pleased with myself for achieving goals and feeling like I had a special ability -That I did not consume alcohol-.

I was in a great place finally, where drinking did not even occur to me as something appealing (just as pounding a 10 penny nail into the top of my foot does not appeal to me).

I felt…good. And nothing can describe that feeling of knowing you are on the right path and feeling that healthy glow until you are experiencing it. And it DOES Happen.

But it can all change in one instant when, like I did, decide "Hey, drinks with this awesome dinner sounds great!"

Not…so…great. Why did I even THINK that? Thats the million dollar question so many of us have asked countless times.


Now I am frightened. I want that superpower of knowing that I don't drink back again, and do I know I will get it because I remember what it felt like.

But now I have to struggle with the reality of "yeah, you did drink so you aren't so cool after all are you?" feeling.

I just needed to vent. I feel like an idiot for throwing away what I worked so hard for. I am beating myself up but the pity party has to end here soon and Ill get up and move forward again.

The scariest part of it all. It happened so fast, it really can jump out of nowhere if one is not vigilant.

Im super bummed, so I wanted to check in with you all and say…Hi.

Day 1 again. ARRRGH, I really didn't ever want to have to say that ever again but at least I'm alive and have another chance.

Discovery14

Thanks for the perspective Brick.

silentrun

Sorry that happened to you Brick. Look forward to having you back on the forum.

Gilmer

I did that after I had been sober four months. It just suddenly seemed so good, and then--jack nothing! I came crawling back to SR, and clung to the threads for support. Everybody was so kind, welcoming, fun, and real it helped me to get right back on board and not beat myself up too much with recriminations.

Jupiters

thanks for sharing that Brick. Glad you're back.

brickthrowing

I am glad I'm back too. It so easy to forget to check in when everything seems like its going great.

Everyone here has been very kind and was extremely supportive when I first started out.
Its such a nice feeling to extend a hand for help and have someone grasp it and just hold onto you for a bit. (well, virtually anyway)

Thank you to all of you.

luvmygirls

Thank you, brickthrowing. I'm really glad you're back, and posted this.

NevarCiots

Hi there welcome. Great write-up. I just don't drink...simple as that. No need to explain further I say. And when sober you can see people consuming alcohol don't REALLY enjoy what is going on. Well, to me it looks like self-afflicted torture. Take care!

Findingtheway

Thanks for this. I totally get it. Had 54 days...thought hey I got this!...drank...disaster followed.

Thought ok bad idea stop again...had 30 days...thought AGAIN hey I got this!...drank...THIS time I awoke bewildered in a hospital.

Deadly game. I don't want to play anymore.

This time I'm not listening to that voice.

Soberwolf

Nice to meet you brick

brickthrowing

Thank you for saying this. I like to be reminded of "what COULD" have happened.

I was just reading something earlier today that people who are sober for a length of time can easily poison or kill themselves if they relapse. I guess something in our brains forgets that we no longer have a tolerance, so sometimes we try to pick up drinking where we left off, often to disastrous results, or deadly.

Yikes.

jryan19982

I wrote down a lot of crap in my first day of being sober and I read that when I start to feel like I have kicked this for good. Because i know once I think that, then I might start to think about having a drink. I was really honest with myself after my last binge and I use that as motivation.

Mark1014

Brick, you're kind to share your struggles here because good does come from it for some. I respect how passionately you want others to learn from your experience. Findingtheway is on a similar mission recently. And it helps. I mentally recall posts like yours at the first instant AV whispers. Also, I know it's back to the 'day one' thing again, but I doubt all of the internal physical healing you've gained through sobriety has been lost. You're on the right path again for sure.

Thomasthetank

Hey Brickthrowing, thanks for this. I think we all feel this way from time to time and your description of relapse, well, you could have written mine better than I could myself.

That's the danger, that voice that tries to make you forget all the pain and only focuses on the momentary pleasure. Because that's what drinking is, I think, there's no point being in denial and saying it doesn't make you feel good at all.

It does. For a little while.

But you trade that for... well... everything. You trade your life for it.

Stop ripping yourself off.

Your life is worth more than that feeling, and life can feel better without it.

Tom.

Fly N Buy

I needed to read this as I too get complacent and lose vigilance in my early sobriety. Thanks for the post.

Keep truckin, make a new plan.
Still go to meetings??

Peace

AlexEmk

Thank you for this post... because it shows the real picture of what's coming for me! I know that, when I'll be a couple of months sober, I will need this type of post to stay focused and to kick the AV out on my mind again and again...

Sometimes it scares me to think that this battle is for the rest of my life!!

Let's stay here, let's stay together, let's stay strong!

I swear to myself that I will check-in here often enough to feel everybody here helping me!!

3 weeks tomorrow...

brickthrowing

I know huh?! Its a really frightening perspective. But then again when I think of people with allergies to peanuts and what they have to go through.

We can do this…

Elodie

Hey brickthrowing, what an awesome perspective.

Not drinking = superpower. I never thought of it like that before, but I am certainly going to now!

Nuudawn

I'm not sure how long you were sober..but in hindsight, are you able to yet see what could have perhaps prevented it? I gave up 4 months of sobriety last year...and although it seemed to have occurred in a moment..it had been coming awhile. I was vulnerable and when a hard situation hit, I was defenseless because ya..had no defense..my sobriety was in a weak position at the time and the "grass had been looking greener on the other side" for probably weeks previous.

AcceptingChange

That's good! That means you're aware of life, and your place in it.
Because the battle to deal with life as it is, without self-medicating, but full front-on, takes courage.

I drank because i didn't like the way i felt. And when i drank, it removed that feeling momentarily. But i was hiding from life by drinking, i was running from the daily battle that doesn't end, that is ever-present. I was too much of a sissy to accept life the way it is. So i escaped, mentally ran away, and thought i solved the problem.

This "battle for the rest of our lives" is the same battle non-alcoholics have to deal with too. It's called living without the mental filters of drink/drugs.

When i stopped drinking, i thought my sobriety would result in a new kind of high, because i'd be a healthy, clear-thinking god on earth. That didn't happen. It's a different feeling altogether, one not composed of highs and lows, and the constant obsession to get another high. But i've learned to appreciate it, feeling in tune with the rhythms of the earth. I definately don't miss the fear that comes with the non-high times of drinking.