Having some difficulties
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 625
Having some difficulties
Haven't been around SR much these last couple of weeks. My wife's father got very sick, we visited and he passed during that visit. We rushed home to get Michelle back to work but they gave all her shifts away for the week. Then we turned around and went back for the funeral...just got back yesterday. Which brings us to now:
I'm having some difficulties.
This disease of mine is kicking my butt. Heck of a teacher though. Lessons I'm not thrilled to learn though. I want to know the truth of course, I just would prefer if the truth was different.
For instance, once upon a time, I needed to be perfect. After years in recovery, I finally learned that I don't need to be perfect. Nope, my best is good enough. I tell you that I'll jump in the car and be there as fast as I can then I'm going to try and make the 700 mile car ride in a straight shot, stopping once for gas and a bathroom break at about the half-way mark. Nine times out of ten I'm going to do it just like that. The tenth time I'm going to have to pull over and take an hour nap. Hey, no problem I mean, who makes a 700 mile trip in eleven hours anyway? So it took me twelve this once so what? I did my best but needed a nap so I took it.
Once, this would have been completely unacceptable. Using the program, I learned to accept my limitations such that they were and move on with serenity. Then this disease hit. Saturday morning I was driving home from a funeral 500 miles from home. Taking my new limitations into account, I got a hotel for the night after Friday's funeral so that I could drive fresh in the morning. Forty miles into the trip on Saturday after a good night's sleep, I found that I couldn't drive any longer. That I couldn't accept. I took a break anyway and continued an hour later. One hundred miles up the road and fighting exhaustion, I fell asleep at the wheel. I woke in time to prevent an accident and pulled over again. Once again, no acceptance or serenity with this stop.
I have discovered that I while I may not need to be perfect, it wasn't my best that was good enough it was my healthy best that I accepted was good enough. If I had the occasional flu or something and my best dipped momentarily, I could accept that too after all, it was temporary. Accepting my best as good enough when my best has become 3-4% of what my best was just a year ago...that is giving me conniptions.
Too, how many times have I encouraged others to just be? You're a human being, not a human doing! Your worth is as a human being, not what you do. Too many to count. Yet, when my wife comes home after working thirteen hours in a split shift trying desperately to support us on minimum wage she's too tired to make herself something to eat and I don't have the strength to have dinner waiting for her when she comes home when I answer her good-natured question, What have you been up to today? and I have to point to the chair and say, Been sitting there for thirteen hours minus bathroom breaks I've got to tell you, the self-worth plummets.
I've said elsewhere and repeatedly, that I'm okay with this - it's just my body...but it's affecting more than that these days. By way of an example that will only make sense to a chess player, my rating has dropped at least 600 points in the last year. Two years ago I played three games simultaneously, blindfolded against two masters and an expert. I tell them where to move me and they tell me where they moved and I move on to the next board. It requires one to be able to hold three different boards in ones head at the same time. I won two of those games and drew one. Today I am playing at about club level. The chess world doesn't even have a system for awarding points to someone who beats a person over 400 points higher rated than them - because it is assumed that it cannot happen...and I'm playing at a level at least 600 points below where I was a year ago. It's not considered possible.
Anywho, so getting used to this lack of mental prowess has been the most difficult. Thinking up solutions to intractable problems has been my forte. Now that I need to be able to think more than ever - to solve some of my physical issues, I can't think clearly enough to do so. What's left to go?
So, I know the drill. I get to re-learn these lessons all over again at the graduate level. But I don't want to go back to school. #pout #tantrum very modern, eh? Anyway, if I graduate I know I'll be happy for the education but in the meantime I'm fighting a plummeting self-respect, esteem, worth, etc. and it sucks. It'll pass, like everything, but today it sucks. Appreciate the opportunity to vent.
I'm having some difficulties.
This disease of mine is kicking my butt. Heck of a teacher though. Lessons I'm not thrilled to learn though. I want to know the truth of course, I just would prefer if the truth was different.
For instance, once upon a time, I needed to be perfect. After years in recovery, I finally learned that I don't need to be perfect. Nope, my best is good enough. I tell you that I'll jump in the car and be there as fast as I can then I'm going to try and make the 700 mile car ride in a straight shot, stopping once for gas and a bathroom break at about the half-way mark. Nine times out of ten I'm going to do it just like that. The tenth time I'm going to have to pull over and take an hour nap. Hey, no problem I mean, who makes a 700 mile trip in eleven hours anyway? So it took me twelve this once so what? I did my best but needed a nap so I took it.
Once, this would have been completely unacceptable. Using the program, I learned to accept my limitations such that they were and move on with serenity. Then this disease hit. Saturday morning I was driving home from a funeral 500 miles from home. Taking my new limitations into account, I got a hotel for the night after Friday's funeral so that I could drive fresh in the morning. Forty miles into the trip on Saturday after a good night's sleep, I found that I couldn't drive any longer. That I couldn't accept. I took a break anyway and continued an hour later. One hundred miles up the road and fighting exhaustion, I fell asleep at the wheel. I woke in time to prevent an accident and pulled over again. Once again, no acceptance or serenity with this stop.
I have discovered that I while I may not need to be perfect, it wasn't my best that was good enough it was my healthy best that I accepted was good enough. If I had the occasional flu or something and my best dipped momentarily, I could accept that too after all, it was temporary. Accepting my best as good enough when my best has become 3-4% of what my best was just a year ago...that is giving me conniptions.
Too, how many times have I encouraged others to just be? You're a human being, not a human doing! Your worth is as a human being, not what you do. Too many to count. Yet, when my wife comes home after working thirteen hours in a split shift trying desperately to support us on minimum wage she's too tired to make herself something to eat and I don't have the strength to have dinner waiting for her when she comes home when I answer her good-natured question, What have you been up to today? and I have to point to the chair and say, Been sitting there for thirteen hours minus bathroom breaks I've got to tell you, the self-worth plummets.
I've said elsewhere and repeatedly, that I'm okay with this - it's just my body...but it's affecting more than that these days. By way of an example that will only make sense to a chess player, my rating has dropped at least 600 points in the last year. Two years ago I played three games simultaneously, blindfolded against two masters and an expert. I tell them where to move me and they tell me where they moved and I move on to the next board. It requires one to be able to hold three different boards in ones head at the same time. I won two of those games and drew one. Today I am playing at about club level. The chess world doesn't even have a system for awarding points to someone who beats a person over 400 points higher rated than them - because it is assumed that it cannot happen...and I'm playing at a level at least 600 points below where I was a year ago. It's not considered possible.
Anywho, so getting used to this lack of mental prowess has been the most difficult. Thinking up solutions to intractable problems has been my forte. Now that I need to be able to think more than ever - to solve some of my physical issues, I can't think clearly enough to do so. What's left to go?
So, I know the drill. I get to re-learn these lessons all over again at the graduate level. But I don't want to go back to school. #pout #tantrum very modern, eh? Anyway, if I graduate I know I'll be happy for the education but in the meantime I'm fighting a plummeting self-respect, esteem, worth, etc. and it sucks. It'll pass, like everything, but today it sucks. Appreciate the opportunity to vent.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi. Fortunately I can’t identify very much with what your going through, however I understand a bit.
In my case of perfection for example if doing a 100 mile trip I would often try to estimate within a few minutes the time of arrival and often would succeed but how important is it. Lately with the progression of the aging process I get annoyed I can’t remember things I “should.”
Fortunately I do remember I can’t drink in safety.
I’m needing to accept more and more the things I can’t do compared to past years, that does not mean I like it as I’m not YET looking up at the grass roots.
If I can stop, when needed, and examine the slogans in the rooms there is always one that will help me at the moment if I slow down a bit, enough to absorb it. Like EASY DOES IT.
BE WELL
In my case of perfection for example if doing a 100 mile trip I would often try to estimate within a few minutes the time of arrival and often would succeed but how important is it. Lately with the progression of the aging process I get annoyed I can’t remember things I “should.”
Fortunately I do remember I can’t drink in safety.
I’m needing to accept more and more the things I can’t do compared to past years, that does not mean I like it as I’m not YET looking up at the grass roots.
If I can stop, when needed, and examine the slogans in the rooms there is always one that will help me at the moment if I slow down a bit, enough to absorb it. Like EASY DOES IT.
BE WELL
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
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I guess I can't say if it's the disease or just getting older. I'm just a duffer at chess, certainly not great but I used to enjoy playing. Probably it takes a lot of practice to maintain a high level, just as a sport would. Right now you don't have the time and energy for that and unless you play chess for a living that's probably okay. In my case if something has to give it won't be sobriety- something else will have to "take one for the team." If I return to drinking again all will be lost.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 625
Originally Posted by IOAA2 
Hi. Fortunately I can’t identify very much with what your going through, however I understand a bit.
In my case of perfection for example if doing a 100 mile trip I would often try to estimate within a few minutes the time of arrival and often would succeed but how important is it. Lately with the progression of the aging process I get annoyed I can’t remember things I “should.”
Fortunately I do remember I can’t drink in safety.
I’m needing to accept more and more the things I can’t do compared to past years, that does not mean I like it as I’m not YET looking up at the grass roots.
If I can stop, when needed, and examine the slogans in the rooms there is always one that will help me at the moment if I slow down a bit, enough to absorb it. Like EASY DOES IT.
BE WELL
In my case of perfection for example if doing a 100 mile trip I would often try to estimate within a few minutes the time of arrival and often would succeed but how important is it. Lately with the progression of the aging process I get annoyed I can’t remember things I “should.”
Fortunately I do remember I can’t drink in safety.
I’m needing to accept more and more the things I can’t do compared to past years, that does not mean I like it as I’m not YET looking up at the grass roots.
If I can stop, when needed, and examine the slogans in the rooms there is always one that will help me at the moment if I slow down a bit, enough to absorb it. Like EASY DOES IT.
BE WELL
There is also the things I 'should' be able to do. Like sit in a meeting. Recently, thirty minutes into the meeting, sitting became too strenuous and I fell off the chair. Couldn't talk, couldn't get up....911 called and off to the ER. Didn't see that coming. Does that mean I never go to a meeting again? Or anywhere else? Ever? There was no warning, nothing I could point to and say, "If I feel like I did before the meeting, then I should just not go."
Anyway, I heard somewhere that acceptance is the solution to all my problems today.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 625
Originally Posted by Boleo
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Originally Posted by MythOfSisyphus
In my case if something has to give it won't be sobriety- something else will have to "take one for the team." If I return to drinking again all will be lost.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Legna I live in an area with many retired folks and the meeting(s) I go to at noon there are about 6-10 usually with + 30 years out of 30 or so. We all have different and similar aches and thinking issues. After all what is normal in the world we live in. heck I’m not smart enough to use a smart phone, nor do I need one, after some years of servicing computers and peripherals. The world is changing with and without me/us. I may not like a lot of it but it’s exhausting to not accept it.
I will go dragging my feet to a medical person for suggestions but that’s another subject regarding the fear of the unknown which is easy in my environment as my wife is a Hospice Nurse, nuf said.
BE WELL
I will go dragging my feet to a medical person for suggestions but that’s another subject regarding the fear of the unknown which is easy in my environment as my wife is a Hospice Nurse, nuf said.
BE WELL
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 625
Originally Posted by fini
what are your thoughts about dying, legna?
So, basically just trying to do what I can to set her up the best I can in preparation for when I'm gone. Death itself doesn't bother me - it's just change, slightly more radical a change than puberty imo. Frankly, part of me is looking forward to it - if only because the pain stops.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
yes, the inevitability, regardless of what finally does us in.
i get it about being spared the decision-making re being without your wife to extend the time, i think...along the lines of quantity vs quality if getting both is not possible.
your posts, no matter what they have been about, always strike me as coming from a heart that can accept and love, no matter what;.. the best of sober life, no matter what the adversity.
thanks for answering.
i get it about being spared the decision-making re being without your wife to extend the time, i think...along the lines of quantity vs quality if getting both is not possible.
your posts, no matter what they have been about, always strike me as coming from a heart that can accept and love, no matter what;.. the best of sober life, no matter what the adversity.
thanks for answering.
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