FireSprite

Just something I've been thinking about a lot the last couple of weeks; this came up for me following some conversations with RAH. We had been talking about the "old" days, when he was actively drinking & I was explaining something from *my* side of a memory & then he explained the same situation from *his* side, and I had a real AHA moment.

All those times I was enabling him "out of love" or trying to love him back into a normal relationship were lost on him. Just because I was acting out of "love" didn't mean he was receiving it the same way. On his side he was lost in his own deceit most of the time & that occupied wayyyy more of his mental processes than I could ever understand so all of my "love" was really interpreted as Judgement, Disappointment, Authority, Recrimination, Obstacles in his way.

So essentially, all that energy I was spending trying to love him back into the fold was just a gigantic waste on my part. I was expending ENORMOUS amounts of energy *loving* him out of the natural consequences of his drinking.... but as long as he was actively drinking & had his focus on his supporting his addiction, it was just me martyring myself & signing up for more & more BS.


Love wasn't enough because it never even REACHED him. And that's kind of sad too - that he had closed himself off inside so much so that he even refused to accept love.


If I had grasped that earlier, I would have funneled that love back to myself & started the process of rebuilding MYSELF with love much sooner.

readerbaby71

So true. Thanks for the insight, lady! <3

LifeRecovery

FS-

My therapist gently reminded me of this.

What felt the worst when I could give it some space was being able to see just how bad he was feeling that he did not have the space to see my behavior, and how bad I was feeling that he was not taking it running with it and desiring to get better.

She reminded me that in the face of addiction trying to help can look judgemental and rigid.....it is up to me to decide if that is what it was.

What a great gift you are giving to yourself to see that now. I hope your hubby at some point is able to have some space for himself to see it too.

WendyOR

great insight. Not that this has anything to do with alcoholism, but has anyone read the book the five languages of love?

It talks about how people receive love. It breaks it down into groupings. If we don't let our partner know how we feel loved, or receive love, their energies are put into what they think they think will make us feel loved.... usually the things that make them feel loved.... but if that is not how WE receive it, then it goes unnoticed.

Your story reminds me of this so much. Thanks, I needed to remember that.

torquemax777

My AH sorta reverses it to "thanking" me for "allowing" him to drink, and loving him and sticking with him despite the fact that he continues to struggle. I get so frustrated because in a way he is right, but he isn't "getting it" that all my efforts are in hopes that he will quit, not to support him as he struggles to push it as far as he can and still get away with it by not doing it enough for me to leave. Yeah, you are right, they just don't "get it" when it comes to our enabling efforts. They just backfire. It's proof that enabling just doesn't work!

biminiblue

Wendy, eggzackly. (misspelled on porpoise).

So, a good example: When I am sick or sad I want to be left alone. Really. Just don't even talk to me or try to make it better. If you pat me on the back, Imma give you the Stink Eye.

My Ex wanted to be babied and spoon-fed and coddled.

Since I hated that, I never did it. He felt like I didn't care. When I was sick, he would hover and it drove me batty. Just leave me alone!

FireSprite

I think he has been seeing it much more clearly over this last year since his relapse. (Oct '13)

The way he describes it to me is that it has now morphed into Shame & adds to his self-hatred at times; so it is something he still struggles to overcome in his recovery. Now he can admit that he was basically throwing my love back in my face over & over again in pursuit of his own selfishness & that it's hard for him to understand his own motivation for such disrespect.

But that's for HIM to work out...... back to my side of the street......

SparkleKitty

Very good, if very sad, insight, FS.

I used to assume so much, apply so much of what I was thinking and feeling to my As, that I literally cannot fathom now how I used to come to some of the conclusions and assumptions I came to about them. For me, the first part of accepting others for who they are is first accepting that they are different people than me, and that is ok.

Blossom717

Great points!

I also wanted to add...nothing can be done "out of love" when that person doesn't love themselves too.

walkinganewpath

Wow...I can't even respond intelligently. Thanks for sharing - it gave me a kick somehow and need to take a look at that.

doureallycare2

Wow!!! Wow!!! You just made me look at my xabf in a whole new life and why I felt like I was going crazy...

maia1234

FireSprite, I agree with what your husband has said. I have tried to love my husband sober, doesn't work. Divorce is the only for me to move forward. Sad but I have tried for over 26 years, not going to work.

Jealous that your AH is sober and working a program. Bless You!!

FireSprite

((((((((maia)))))))) GOOD FOR YOU for putting YOU first. I'm sorry it's come to divorce, but you DESERVE to be the most important person in your life.

Many hugs & prayers for you friend!

NYCDoglvr

It sounds like you expected your love to change him into the person you wanted him to be. I don't think love can ever do that. I certainly wasted my time with the wrong person, hoping to get my needs met (that was never gonna happen, I just had loads of denial).

hopeful4

Oh FS, this post breaks my heart. I too wasted so much time when I could have been working to be a better me. Luckily for all of us, there is still time.

Hugs...

Timeiskey

Hey Fire,

Can you give me a specific example of what you did when you were "trying to love him back into a normal relationship"? I am certain I have done the same but I can't get a clear picture of your insight here... I too have wasted so much love and I can tell that he is incapable of accepting it truly from himself or others.

FireSprite

Well, yes & no.

Isn't that sorta what we all do until we know better by way of our own recovery?

In my specific situation, I wasn't trying to change him into someone he had never been, I was treating him as if he was the person he was BEFORE addiction took root.... trying to get him to change back into the person he HAD BEEN without knowing that he was secret drinking & that I was battling something as big as addiction.

When I examine our relationship over the long term, I wasn't in denial about WHO he was in those early years; he really WAS that person for a very long time, and he DID meet my needs for many, many years without effort.

For me, it's stuff like giving him the benefit of the doubt, expecting that he was being honest even though my instincts were telling me differently, accepting his excuses as fact & not standing up for MY needs when I should have & even did know better.

I was operating under the impression that since I was showing him "love" (doing his laundry, paying his bills, covering his a$$ in so many ways with family, friends, co-workers & making excuses for his behavior & absence at events) that he recognized this love/loyalty/sacrifice on my part & saw that I was bending over backward to make things work. Instead he just kept charging ahead with more dysfunction, leaving me more & more & more damage to manage. (which also kept me uber busy chasing my tail & kept my immediate focus off whatever shenanigans he was up to.)

Timeiskey

Fire- yep, that rings so true. My expressions of love were lost on my ex as well. The balance of give and take just slowly but surely began to fall to one side. I hadn't thought about it before- as you have reflected here. There is no room for love to grow and live in such an unhealthy environment.

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholism changes people and even after someone stops drinking they never return to the person they were before they started drinking. When someone gets serious about sobriety, goes to AA, gets a sponsor, a lot of positive change happens but it takes a great deal of hard work and a long period of time. Here I'm speaking as a recovering alcoholic in my 23rd year. But even still, the romantic period of a relationship before drinking was pronounced isn't going to happen. There's a saying: you can't turn a pickle back into a cucumber.

On so many posts on this forum people express dismay that people who get sober are still difficult, there are still problems in the relationship. Of course many of these problems come from the hurt and pain caused while someone was drinking. Sometimes relationships can't be fixed after so much damage has been done. Another AA saying: "when you take the alcohol away from a drunken horse thief you have a horse thief". You can stop being a horse thief as well, of course, but it takes time and work.

But still, we can't change anyone who doesn't want to change. We can ONLY change ourselves and our attitudes. Of course you wanted a return of a healthier and happier person but wanting it doesn't make it happen. Where we codependents get our strength is expressed in the Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity,
To accept the things I cannot change,
To change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

You said you were "battling his addiction". Doesn't work, only HE can battle his addiction. We're powerless over people, places and things. Alanon teaches us this fact and through the program, we work on our own recovery.

SabrinaQ

My ex also couldn't feel my love a lot of the time. Poor man.
(My ex-AH is in recovery, just completed 14 month inpatient program)

Many times he's told me that he 'stopped feeling the love coming from me', because I couldn't just lie down and accept his crazy addicted ways.
Very sad situation to be in,
at least your husband has willingness to work on the relationship. Unfortunately mine suddenly dumped me while he was in the middle of the inpatient treatment. It was shocking and I think it was because of his guilt, shame, and feelings of inadequacy.
But I think people who try hard enough can make it. I know that I would keep trying to make it work if he would. Not sure why, but I would.