back to battle and feeling lost and alone
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: NH
Posts: 45
back to battle and feeling lost and alone
Hi All,
I have been out of touch with the group for so long. A little update...my AH got back together in January of this year. Long story short...here we are again...have been separated since the end of August...the drinking started in April...i put up with it as long as i could...longer than i needed to. There was also the seeking other women..the drinking worse than i remember from before...the constant feeling of being unsure of everything.
I have been attending Al-anon since the beginning of October..really am getting a lot out of the group and wish i could attend more meetings in the area..just hard with a busy 16 year old and 4 year old twins.
He left this time...after I found out about him seeking out another woman on social media...I sent an email that he read that said i was done and had no choice but to divorce him..he took off after reading that without any conversation...which i am somewhat grateful for...but i believe it is because he was in constant contact with this woman as he was literally packing and leaving his family. I know it doesn't matter why ...but that is the part that sticks with me.
Right now we are in a place of do we move forward together...towards ANOTHER reunification...or do we divorce.
He doesn't like my answers of I need to work on me right now...heal within myself ...find out where i need to change so that we can have a chance of working on us. He has not been sober throughout this separation and is not from what i can tell really trying.
The reason i write today is that i just need some support...just need someone to be there. I have lots of people..just not sure which ones to talk to ...maybe too much to talk about at this point.
I need advice on how to stay strong and realize that i have choices. That I don't need to continue to jump on the crazy rollercoaster with him just because he is there and wants to know that he has something to work towards...or that he "is done". I feel like all he is doing is throwing random thoughts out at me .."we either ______ (fill in the blank with anything really) or I'm done". It's all he keeps saying over and over...and even when I try to ignore him...he eventually gets it in some conversation. Then will hold it over my head for a few days...and then when we see each other (his one day a week that he visits our kids for a few hours) it's like nothing ever happened or was said.
I KNOW and I HAVE TO BELIEVE that I deserve better....so much better...I am hurting every single day by his past actions...his continued actions...his words...i know I am not perfect...BUT i know I DON'T DESERVE to be spat at with words that are hurtful...or tried to be pushed away by words and actions that he won't tolerate being thrown back at him ....the second i try to reason ( i know...that is my first mistake) he just gets angry and says "I'm DONE". I get that it is hard to talk about anything.....too emotional even after a few months...I know I need to make a better decision as he hasn't changed...things won't change...we won't be good together...ever....
help me
I have been out of touch with the group for so long. A little update...my AH got back together in January of this year. Long story short...here we are again...have been separated since the end of August...the drinking started in April...i put up with it as long as i could...longer than i needed to. There was also the seeking other women..the drinking worse than i remember from before...the constant feeling of being unsure of everything.
I have been attending Al-anon since the beginning of October..really am getting a lot out of the group and wish i could attend more meetings in the area..just hard with a busy 16 year old and 4 year old twins.
He left this time...after I found out about him seeking out another woman on social media...I sent an email that he read that said i was done and had no choice but to divorce him..he took off after reading that without any conversation...which i am somewhat grateful for...but i believe it is because he was in constant contact with this woman as he was literally packing and leaving his family. I know it doesn't matter why ...but that is the part that sticks with me.
Right now we are in a place of do we move forward together...towards ANOTHER reunification...or do we divorce.
He doesn't like my answers of I need to work on me right now...heal within myself ...find out where i need to change so that we can have a chance of working on us. He has not been sober throughout this separation and is not from what i can tell really trying.
The reason i write today is that i just need some support...just need someone to be there. I have lots of people..just not sure which ones to talk to ...maybe too much to talk about at this point.
I need advice on how to stay strong and realize that i have choices. That I don't need to continue to jump on the crazy rollercoaster with him just because he is there and wants to know that he has something to work towards...or that he "is done". I feel like all he is doing is throwing random thoughts out at me .."we either ______ (fill in the blank with anything really) or I'm done". It's all he keeps saying over and over...and even when I try to ignore him...he eventually gets it in some conversation. Then will hold it over my head for a few days...and then when we see each other (his one day a week that he visits our kids for a few hours) it's like nothing ever happened or was said.
I KNOW and I HAVE TO BELIEVE that I deserve better....so much better...I am hurting every single day by his past actions...his continued actions...his words...i know I am not perfect...BUT i know I DON'T DESERVE to be spat at with words that are hurtful...or tried to be pushed away by words and actions that he won't tolerate being thrown back at him ....the second i try to reason ( i know...that is my first mistake) he just gets angry and says "I'm DONE". I get that it is hard to talk about anything.....too emotional even after a few months...I know I need to make a better decision as he hasn't changed...things won't change...we won't be good together...ever....
help me
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I know I need to make a better decision as he hasn't changed...things won't change...we won't be good together...ever....
help me
help me
You deserve SO much better, and I know you can do it. It just comes down to one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward.
Nothing changes if nothing changes!
(((HUGS)))
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kw.....I am giving you the following link to our library of excellent articles.....there are dozens and dozens.....you can read some of them every single day!
Do make time for more alanon meetings....I know you are busy with the kids...but, you may have to make it more of a priority....(where there is a will..there is a way). Maybe the 16yr. old can watch the twins, occasionally, or maybe, you can take the twins with you....or, maybe, you can hire a sitter for a couple of hours.....
You can also watch podcasts and youtube presentations that will help you....
I know that you were going to individual counseling, at one time...are you still going? It would still be a good idea to do that...
I know that abuse was a significant part of your experience with him.....On amazon.com there are lots of books for women who have been abused....you might want to check them out...you can read the reviews to decide which ones you might benefit from.....
What I am saying is that you need to have lots of support and learning, right now...more than ever.
I think that it is good if you accept that you can never...ever...be together with him again....You already know how that turns out....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Do make time for more alanon meetings....I know you are busy with the kids...but, you may have to make it more of a priority....(where there is a will..there is a way). Maybe the 16yr. old can watch the twins, occasionally, or maybe, you can take the twins with you....or, maybe, you can hire a sitter for a couple of hours.....
You can also watch podcasts and youtube presentations that will help you....
I know that you were going to individual counseling, at one time...are you still going? It would still be a good idea to do that...
I know that abuse was a significant part of your experience with him.....On amazon.com there are lots of books for women who have been abused....you might want to check them out...you can read the reviews to decide which ones you might benefit from.....
What I am saying is that you need to have lots of support and learning, right now...more than ever.
I think that it is good if you accept that you can never...ever...be together with him again....You already know how that turns out....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
Kw - I'm so sorry to hear of this and I know that having children involved makes everything a million times more complicated.
"The reason i write today is that i just need some support...just need someone to be there. I have lots of people..just not sure which ones to talk to ...maybe too much to talk about at this point." - I hear you and I am sending you strength.
Only YOU know what is right for you and your children. That said, Past Behavior is the Best Predictor of Future Behavior...what I'm trying to say is, it really comes down to what you want and what you can handle because HE is most likely not going change.
I am in the process of divorcing my STBXAH and we have a small child. I share this because I will not lie that there are moments when things are painful and hard and I wonder about what life "could" be like but I come back to the following quote and it helps me, "sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they didn't get you the first time."
Take care of yourself and take care of those babies! Again, sending strength your way.
"The reason i write today is that i just need some support...just need someone to be there. I have lots of people..just not sure which ones to talk to ...maybe too much to talk about at this point." - I hear you and I am sending you strength.
Only YOU know what is right for you and your children. That said, Past Behavior is the Best Predictor of Future Behavior...what I'm trying to say is, it really comes down to what you want and what you can handle because HE is most likely not going change.
I am in the process of divorcing my STBXAH and we have a small child. I share this because I will not lie that there are moments when things are painful and hard and I wonder about what life "could" be like but I come back to the following quote and it helps me, "sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they didn't get you the first time."
Take care of yourself and take care of those babies! Again, sending strength your way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: NH
Posts: 45
Thank dandylion....i know i have to try and make more meetings...as i twill be the best thing for me right now ...and I will make it a priority...as I need to start making me a priority. I am looking for a new therapist right now...I want to keep the focus on me...but I continue to be led down this road of nothing i say is good or right...nothing i do is good or right...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: NH
Posts: 45
OHHhh...BAW 81...thank you....yes jsut thank you ...for what you said...it is so hard some days...some are so special...some are so hard....and the heartache i feel for them is overwhelming....but yes to everything you said...he has had chance after chance to change....and when I want to take the time to do it...actually really do it...I get crap that is unecessary....
Staying strong is all i have...thank you
Staying strong is all i have...thank you
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Its one thing when you are making the decision to try again (which really means capitulating to his manipulation) for yourself, but your children, especially your sixteen-year-old, are learning really bad lessons about codependency and putting up with chaos and nastiness in a relationship. Then there’s the emotional whiplash they’re experiencing right along with you.
It’s really, really damaging to them. You know you want better for them than this.
You knowit will play out the same way it always has. Why would you sign up for another round?
It’s really, really damaging to them. You know you want better for them than this.
You knowit will play out the same way it always has. Why would you sign up for another round?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kw....I have a suggestion....since you are l o oking for a new therapist....call the local domestic violence organization, and ask them for a referral. With your history, I think that would be the best fit for you.....you need someone who is very experienced in this area, I believe.
They will probably have support groups that you can attend....(it is o.k. to blend this with alanon....since you are not living with him, right now)....
They will probably have support groups that you can attend....(it is o.k. to blend this with alanon....since you are not living with him, right now)....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
Its one thing when you are making the decision to try again (which really means capitulating to his manipulation) for yourself, but your children, especially your sixteen-year-old, are learning really bad lessons about codependency and putting up with chaos and nastiness in a relationship. Then there’s the emotional whiplash they’re experiencing right along with you.
It’s really, really damaging to them. You know you want better for them than this.
You knowit will play out the same way it always has. Why would you sign up for another round?
It’s really, really damaging to them. You know you want better for them than this.
You knowit will play out the same way it always has. Why would you sign up for another round?
I chose to divorce when my child was 8 months old because for me, I didn't want my child to grow up watching his dad drink himself into a stooper and watch me allow it. When I get tired from everything regarding the divorce (those on here know I do) I try to remind myself that my war is worth it to protect my kid. I know there will be some upset feelings as he grows older but I am hoping he'll learn how to act vs how not to act as well as what boundaries to set for himself regarding other peoples behavior. My exFIL is a horrible alcoholic/narcissist and unfortunately my STBXAH has followed....I'm doing everything I can to break that cycle for my kid!
It is never too late to be strong! You can do it!
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