Grief, what to expect?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: London
Posts: 56
Grief, what to expect?
Hi all, I haven't posted here for a long time, hope everyone's well.
I am right at the end of divorcing AW. The last papers are due at some point this week. It's been about a year since we separated now.
All was going ok, we have two young daughters together aged 4 and 6, and we have been sharing the care of the girls together well. Our girls are happy at school, happy here and happy when they go to stay with there mother.
I have stayed in our family home that is near their school, friends, my family, etc
My stbxw moved a few miles away to a town, where her family live. This has worked really well so far. She still gets drunk a lot, but doesn't touch a drop when the girls stay with her... Until.....
My stbxw's new partner was found dead last weekend. This obviously has been pretty horrendous news for her. The guy was only 34 (I think) and it was a suspected drug overdose, although the results of postmortem were inconclusive.
Girls are due to go to stay with stbxw for the weekend tomorrow. Her father is staying with them and he is normal so I'm happy that they will be safe and well cared for over the weekend. Spoke to their mother, she seems to be copping ok I think (although she had a few very drunk days after hearing the news). I've told the girls and they were ok, they liked the guy, but don't really seem too upset or anything.
The funeral for this guy is next week when girls are back here..
I have no idea what to expect after this, she was with him about a year, although I don't really know how much time they spent together, .... Anyone any experience of how alcoholics handle grief?
I worry for the safety of my daughters when they are with their mother, there were some minor accidents when we were married and she was drunk looking after girls..
Is it worth trying to predict how the girls mother will behave? What should I do?, I've run out of money for lawyers and have to pay her a divorce settlement in the next week or so...
Should I try to keep girls with me full time??? Or Insist on somebody normal staying with her if girls stay at hers overnight??
Anyone any experience of similar situation?
I am right at the end of divorcing AW. The last papers are due at some point this week. It's been about a year since we separated now.
All was going ok, we have two young daughters together aged 4 and 6, and we have been sharing the care of the girls together well. Our girls are happy at school, happy here and happy when they go to stay with there mother.
I have stayed in our family home that is near their school, friends, my family, etc
My stbxw moved a few miles away to a town, where her family live. This has worked really well so far. She still gets drunk a lot, but doesn't touch a drop when the girls stay with her... Until.....
My stbxw's new partner was found dead last weekend. This obviously has been pretty horrendous news for her. The guy was only 34 (I think) and it was a suspected drug overdose, although the results of postmortem were inconclusive.
Girls are due to go to stay with stbxw for the weekend tomorrow. Her father is staying with them and he is normal so I'm happy that they will be safe and well cared for over the weekend. Spoke to their mother, she seems to be copping ok I think (although she had a few very drunk days after hearing the news). I've told the girls and they were ok, they liked the guy, but don't really seem too upset or anything.
The funeral for this guy is next week when girls are back here..
I have no idea what to expect after this, she was with him about a year, although I don't really know how much time they spent together, .... Anyone any experience of how alcoholics handle grief?
I worry for the safety of my daughters when they are with their mother, there were some minor accidents when we were married and she was drunk looking after girls..
Is it worth trying to predict how the girls mother will behave? What should I do?, I've run out of money for lawyers and have to pay her a divorce settlement in the next week or so...
Should I try to keep girls with me full time??? Or Insist on somebody normal staying with her if girls stay at hers overnight??
Anyone any experience of similar situation?
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
My separated ah close family member died a few months ago, how did he cope, he drank and continues to drink, he refuses to deal with his grief or any other issues that are current, he just wants to isolate himself. alcoholics in my experience drink to deal with anything distressing to block it all out because they don't have the coping strategies to deal with anything.
Could you talk to her and suggest the girls stay with you for the next few weeks to give her time to deal with the immediate aftermath and grieve of her loss.
If you put it in a caring way, and it sounds as though despite everything you do care, she may not over react and think your taking her kids away from her, I know your not but A's sometimes think the worst, they are not able to rationalise. If she is not agreeable to this and she may not be, she may say the kids will distract her, would it be possible to suggest the girls go for visits for a few hours then come home again so as not to overwhelm her and give her time to process what has happened.
If she doesn't agree at least you know her father is with her and will be able to care for the kids should anything happen.
Could you talk to her and suggest the girls stay with you for the next few weeks to give her time to deal with the immediate aftermath and grieve of her loss.
If you put it in a caring way, and it sounds as though despite everything you do care, she may not over react and think your taking her kids away from her, I know your not but A's sometimes think the worst, they are not able to rationalise. If she is not agreeable to this and she may not be, she may say the kids will distract her, would it be possible to suggest the girls go for visits for a few hours then come home again so as not to overwhelm her and give her time to process what has happened.
If she doesn't agree at least you know her father is with her and will be able to care for the kids should anything happen.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Dave,
I don't know what kind of relationship you and your ex have, but it sounds like at least you're not hostile towards each other. How do you think she would react if you said, "I know you have a lot on your mind right now -- why don't you take the week to take care of yourself and the kids can stay with me on your week?"
Would she accept that? Or do you think she wants the kids there to distract her from her grief?
I would at least want to talk to her dad and explain that you're concerned that the grief might cloud her ability to make good decisions, and see if he's up for at least checking in on her during the week.
I don't know what kind of relationship you and your ex have, but it sounds like at least you're not hostile towards each other. How do you think she would react if you said, "I know you have a lot on your mind right now -- why don't you take the week to take care of yourself and the kids can stay with me on your week?"
Would she accept that? Or do you think she wants the kids there to distract her from her grief?
I would at least want to talk to her dad and explain that you're concerned that the grief might cloud her ability to make good decisions, and see if he's up for at least checking in on her during the week.
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