stella27

I have a man-friend who is just a friend, but unfortunately, I have much stronger feelings for him than that. To the extent that being around him and enjoying his company only makes me want to see him more.

We were out for dinner with mutual friends last night and he brought a lady-friend to what I thought was kind of a date with me. :headband I was floored and so sad because I had been looking forward to seeing him all day long. He had planned the evening and we had been texting constantly about the plans and then at the last minute he wanted to bring "someone" who turned out to be a woman who obviously has a big crush on him.

I am feeling that old familiar crazy coming on and I wonder if it's worth telling him the truth about my feelings or if I should just let him wonder why I never get in touch anymore?

Aellyce

Hi Stella,

I am a woman and have had a pretty strong preference for male friends in my whole life. Created many interesting situations... Have you never talked with your friend about these feelings in any form? Do you think that he does not have an idea? Or he chooses to sort of ignore that you feel differently than a simple friendship? Have you been friends for a long time / close, or it's more just a buddy?

For me most of the time it was always best to discuss these kinds of things in some form. But I would say it depends how close / valuable friendship it is. Of course it's not a good idea to stay in a situation that hurts you, but from your words I gather he may not be aware of your feelings? Maybe he even has similar ones but is also similarly afraid that they won't be reciprocated?

This is why I am suggesting communication...

stella27

Thank you haennie,

I do not want to stay in a friendship that hurts me. And this one hurts sometimes. But never deliberately on his part. He's very kind and attentive to me.

That's the thing: He is very kind and attentive to me. We see each other several times a week. He calls, we text. Last week I had a tough situation with one of my kids and I thought "I sure wish that I could talk to D about this." And then he called, was in the neighborhood and wanted to come by.

Last night he was so excited to introduce me to his lady-friend, whom he wanted me to meet because she lives close to me and he wants me to have more friends around. But then they proceeded to flirt with each other and make plans to go out and do things in front of me.

And later he said to me "I really want you to know her because you're both new in the neighborhood, both have bad XH's, blah blah blah" and I am just floored because he has never deliberately hurt me like that. So I wonder if he just has no idea?

It was like a cat bringing me a songbird he's killed and not understanding why I'm not thrilled and delighted with the gift. He is that oblivious/insensitive.

So while it is inconceivable to me that he wouldn't know - because my feelings for him are so consumptive of my energy - maybe he really doesn't?

Aellyce

Maybe he really does not, and he truly sees you as a good friend only and has no idea he's hurting you.
Or maybe he does not know how you feel, and he has some similar feelings, but is afraid of expressing them directly (afraid of rejection), and he wants to provoke you with this woman.
Or maybe he has an idea but does not care and is just insensitive, but based on the rest of what you said about your relationship, it does not sound to be the case.

So what can you do?
1. Let this continue... but you don't want that.
2. Talk to him in some way about the reality. Of course it takes courage, but it also gives the opportunity to come clear about all this and then decide based on clarity.
3. You can detach yourself from him and never let him know how you feel.

If he is someone you really value and you have been mutually close as friends and understand each-other well otherwise, I would choose option 2 and would not submit to my fear. I think we sometimes take others for granted and assume they are this way or that way, they know... just because it's obvious for us. But in reality, maybe not obvious at all or not clear to him.

stella27

I just won't have any rest until I at least tell him about my feelings. We talked recently about a woman he loves/loved who doesn't love him back and he said "I just can't spend any more time with her because it hurts too much" and so I know he will understand what I am grappling with. I just think he doesn't know that I am.

I don't expect that he will say "Oh, at long last, you're the one!" but I do think he might not be as mystified about what upset me about the other woman at the restaurant last night if I can at least explain it.

lillamy

I'm old and cynical. I have to tell you that first. Because that rules how I would see a situation like yours:

You can either sit around and be friends with a guy you have a crush on and hope that he figures it out at some point (meanwhile, getting hurt, and -- again -- getting emotionally stuck on a guy who's bad for you) OR you can come clean with him and potentially lose him as a friend.

I'd personally go for the second. But that's because I have no romantic illusions left in me. I didn't go looking for infatuation or romance after my divorce. I didn't go looking at all. I found companionship that grew into love -- but I made it clear to the guy in question (my now husband) that I didn't do games or BS. Either we were together, and then it would be brutal honesty and no games -- or we could remain friends and that would be OK, too.

It sounds like a business deal, but seriously, I could not handle any more hurt. I'd rather be alone than in a "does he love me does he not" relationship.

So I'm of course voting for yes, tell him how you're feeling and go from there.

stella27

thanks lillamy.

I don't care if I lose the friendship - for one thing, I probably won't. But I can't keep dragging this burden around. I'm not even very bashful about telling him because I'm not embarrassed to have these feelings.

I'm mostly interested in protecting what's left of my tired, battered heart.

firebolt

Oh Stella - I think he's cluelss. I've always had a lot of male friends. I camp, hunt, fish, ride motorcycles, and fix their cars for them - we just get eachother and hang out famously. Several times, I've thought I have the best buddy in the world, and months or years later a couple told me they liked me. I was floored - I actually liked one of them back, just didn't think he felt the same way and I was too lazy to do anything about telling him. Yes, I'm completely oblivious and unobservant. They were equally shocked that I had no idea. Some of us just need things spelled out for us.

lizatola

Sigh....MEN.

That's it, that's all I've got, LOL!


On a serious note: I agree with Lillamy. Life's too short to beat around the bush even if the friendship is on the line. He's not a mind reader and neither are you. Like Firebolt said: some people just need things spelled out for them.....Ahem, I mean....men.

Women read too much into everything. I know I do the same thing (well I did when I was single). What does that touch mean? Why is he here with her when I thought we were interested in eachother(even though neither one of us said that specifically)? That text meant something, right? Hmm, he said sleep tight...that must have a special connotation to him? And on and on I'd go....

Honesty, probably the best policy. I wish I had known so much of this when I was dating years ago. Would have saved me a ton of heartache!

stella27

Well, I did it. We met for lunch and I said that I was sorry for overreacting - that I had assumed he knew that I had feelings for him.

And that he had never been deliberately cruel to me so I had to assume that he did not know the nature of my feelings for him. He said that he did not, and that he really thought he was doing something nice for me by introducing me to another single mom who lives in our neighborhood who might be a good friend for me.

He did not profess his secret love for me in return, and I didn't expect him to. After that, we went on to talk about a bunch of other stuff and I left feeling open and vulnerable and glad I had told him. At a minimum, he should be flattered.

I used lots of *I* statements, I let go of the outcome, and I verbally set the boundary that I don't want to stumble into those situations unwarned. I don't have time for misunderstandings anymore either. There's a lot of pride wrapped up in keeping my heart safe, and while I always think I am an open book, that's probably not true as to my deepest feelings.

I'm sure it comes from having to wrap that heart up so safe and tight to protect it from an alcoholic all those years.

lillamy

You know, I thought about something -- and I'm so glad things went well -- and that is that the absolutely hardest thing for me after an A marriage is to have the guts to be vulnerable in relationships.

And that's exactly what you chose. You chose to let him see you vulnerable. I think that should be a step somewhere there in the 12, daring to have genuine relationships. It was a brave and maybe scary thing to do, and I'm glad he handled it well.

readerbaby71

I know this is incredibly sexist to say, but men are clueless. They really are.

I'm glad you talked with him and cleared the air. That took guts. Good for you!

Dojang

Being honest like that shows a lot of confidence & how much you value yourself. Great job!!

Yurt

Stella,

I found myself in a very similar situation about a year ago. As a matter of fact, you were one of several posters that "talked me through it" via these boards. Unfortunately, I was not in a position to bare my feelings, as I was married and still living with AH (currently still married, but separated and getting ready to file). But I did reach a point where I could no longer continue my friendship without having a similar discussion. I have to say that clearing the air helped both of us and prevented any game playing. Since that time, I have found it to be more effective to put things out there and discuss them with my friend. It is difficult to trust others with our feelings when we have spent years having them trampled by someone who may be insensitive. It takes a while to get used to it (trusting).

stella27

Thanks, Yourt,

The N, A, XH used my love for his own purposes. If I confided that I was feeling moody or short-tempered, instead of saying "everybody goes through that", he would say "yeah and you always take it out on me and I'm sick of your bitching and moaning. O work my a$$ off around here and blah blah blah…"

or if I were sad, it would turn into an opportunity to kick me harder in the sad and open spot.

It was never safe to have feelings. These feelings may not be reciprocated, but at least my friend isn't mean and hateful about my feelings. And I'm not married to him and stuck. It's just friendship. I can take it or leave it even though everything in me wants to take, take, take.

stella27

In a text msg last night to my friend, I said

"maybe you would have preferred my not saying anything and just dropping out with no explanation?" and he said "I would not have liked that"

and the point is that he didn't say what the XH would have said, which is "whatever, Stella. It's always about you."

Yurt

One of the things that I had to learn this past year, was to take things slowly. Very slowly. Once my friend was aware of my feelings, he started looking at me in a new way. But, I still have to work on myself, so we are taking things one step at a time.
Perhaps, your friend may need to process what you told him. You may see some changes...or not. If you take the POV that you will enjoy his company when you around him, then you should not be putting yourself in harm's way.

ResignedToWait

I think we're all clueless! =) That's why this forum exists, eh?