BrokenInPieces

As much as I understand how completely irrational this is going to sound, I need to get it out, because maybe someone else is feeling the same way.

Then again... maybe it's just me.

Ok, here goes. I read the stories here, and I have to be honest that at times what I feel is... jealous. Your A's are trying to contact you... reaching out... apologizing. Even if it's all quacking... at least you get quacked at.

Mine just completely shut me out. Like I never mattered. Like I don't exist. Like "us" never happened.

All I feel is the hate he seems to have for me. And as much as I know this is all for the best, sometimes, if I'm honest, I just want a quack. *something* that lets me know that this wasn't my fault... and he is getting worse... and I was wise not to move forward with him.

I'm really having trouble letting go.

ladyscribbler

I get a twinge of that now and then, irrational as it is. Like I see other people's As making all kinds of crazy promises, begging, going to rehab. Mine did none of that, made no effort. When I told him he could drink or have a family, he chose drinking. No hesitation, no consideration of getting sober, even for one minute.
The fact that he is deteriorating (we have some contact, due to having a son together) does not make me feel better. The whole thing is just sad.

lillamy

.

I honestly think this is part of the whole codependency problem: You don't trust your own judgment, you need him to verify for you that you're right. I struggled with that a lot. Not that I wanted him to contact me -- but that I wanted him to tell me I was right. That it was OK that I left. That he understood that he had chosen alcohol over his family, that it was a bad choice, and that I had made a good choice in leaving.

For me, I had spent so many years putting my judgment below his, letting him tell me what was right and wrong and fair and unfair that I... it's like I was out of practice and couldn't do it for myself, like I thought I needed his approval or determination of things.

Does that make any sense?

Dojang

It totally makes sense. I haven't heard from my A in 4 days, the longest we've ever gone without contact. Even though I have blocked him everywhere except work email (I can't because he works there too), I was still getting emails up until Sunday. I know it's best that I don't hear from him, but it makes me feel like I was not important, our relationship didn't matter, that I put up with all that horrible behavior and I don't count. totally codie thinking, and I am working on that, but I can relate to how you are feeling.

BrokenInPieces

Yes, it totally makes sense.

maia1234

Stay strong people. It's sad that we look for their approval/ and acceptance when their lives are so out of control.

Everyday we get stronger and closer to not needing them. I guess you could count it as a blessing that you are not putting out another fire. ((((((Hugs)))))

Kboys

Yes, I'm feeling that way today. My AH left on Monday. Haven't talked to him since yesterday morning, every night this week I had expected him to show up in the middle of the night, or call... every time the phone has rung this morning at my office, I hate to admit, I'm hoping that it's him. Although I know it's best that he doesn't call, and it makes it much easier for me to stay strong if I don't hear from him, it still somehow feels like I'm being rejected.

Slothy

I am right there in the same boat.... I had lunch with my xabf over two weeks ago and I haven't heard from him. Last night was the first night I slept without being tied to my phone! I can't help thinking I have been rejected by a reject....but that's what happened! I force myself to say.... It was his gift to me to let me go!

Kboys

"All I feel is the hate he seems to have for me. And as much as I know this is all for the best, sometimes, if I'm honest, I just want a quack. *something* that lets me know that this wasn't my fault... and he is getting worse... and I was wise not to move forward with him."

I get this... I don't like to admit it, but I worry that he actually will get better now that he has moved out... and then all the times that he has blamed me for his problems, he will have actually been right. I want him to call me slurring his words, or show up yelling outside my window, so I can have one more confirmation that it was the right thing (like I haven't had enough... but still).

BUT... IT WASN'T OUR FAULT!! And we were very wise to leave them. The longer they don't contact us the better, and the easier it will be for us to realize and really believe this.
Take the time of peace and quiet without his chaos to do things that make you feel good about you! Stay strong!

Slothy

It's so hard to lose someone out of your life and to feel like you have been rejected. I take solace in knowing that my xabf may have moved on but he will never truly find happiness in any relationship as long as the addiction continues! I'm trying to flip the switch constantly in being grateful for the suffering of this loss.... Because it will lead all of us to a much better place!