10 days sober & I'm loving life
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10 days sober & I'm loving life
In the last 10 days since I have not had a drink of alcohol, here is what I have to say about where I am in starting my recovery:
- I've been suffering from Bi-Polar II disorder (undiagnosed) for almost 3 decades -- thru my teens and my entire adult life. Until very recently, I'd always assumed I had general depression/anxiety. I'm now getting treatment for BP, and this combined with eliminating alcohol, I feel like I actually have a baseline for the first time. I find myself wondering "is this how normal people feel?" I guess I was self-medicating. Using alcohol to dull my emotional swings & overactive brain. To tamp down my self-hatred and try to feel normal. I'm not sure I even hate myself right now. It might still be there, in the rear view mirror, like I remember what it feels like to hate myself, but I'm not "in" it. I wonder how many alcoholics start out this way: drinking to try to deal with some mental disorder they don't even know they have?
- I cannot "work" a 12-step program without losing that which I like most about myself: my skepticism towards other flawed people ("sponsor"). I've struggled with starting this for the better part of a week while I attended meetings. And I've decided I'm done with this program. I want to keep enjoying my new outlook on life. I do not want to become bitter, clinging to steps and sponsors and group-think vs feeling good about who you are and accepting yourself fully, without alcohol! Please do not take this as arguing merits of one method of recovery vs another. Please do whatever works FOR YOU to keep you sober. I'm saying that "working steps" will never work FOR ME. Because I still need support, I registered for this forum.
- Dealing with emotions is a double-edged sword. Cutting alcohol doesn't suddenly make your life all rainbows and unicorns no matter what BS someone promises you. I find that now, when I feel something negative, I'm right there, in the moment with it: fear, hurt, anger, jealousy, whatever. Instead and pushing it away, denying it's there, trying to rationalize it, and finally drowning it in beer, I have to DO something with it, right? So I let myself feel it & recognize how much it sucks, and then after a day, an hour, a prayer, a vent session with a friend (maybe I can come on SR for this too!), I can begin to let it go. It's still there but it's not taking up all my thoughts, and I can focus on my job or whatever needs to get done. I'm certainly not perfect and it hasnt been long, but I'm grafeful to be able to put what's bothering me in perspective. (This is probably the desired result if the "turn life over to Higher Power" step) I hope I can keep doing this to hone the skill for when something really goes wrong, as is part of life.
- I started writing. I'd always wanted to write fiction, and there's been a couple of stories kicking around in my head for years. I never had the discipline or belief in myself to do it. Not sure if there's a correlation (probably is) but this started about the time I decided to quit... (Unfortunately MORE than 10 days ago but whatever) and I've kept at it. It's a wonderful outlet for my feelings, and I don't care if it ever sees the light of day. I'm doing it and that makes me happy
- I have become more spiritual. I don't know what's "out there" if anything. But actions external to myself woke me up to my alcoholism. I had been in denial for years. I pray now, which I haven't done in years (I grew up Christian so this is what it feels like for me) and I feel like I have an open mind & heart because of it. I have gotten answers to questions I'd previously prayed about. I don't care if it's a type of spiritual placebo effect or I'm just more attentive & seeking now or what, but it's working.
- I say exactly what I think now. I always kind of did, but now I just let it out there in a matter-of-fact way. I have courage of my convictions, which I never used to have. But I also am quick to apologize as soon as I think I did someone wrong.
Those are the main points I have today. Please don't give up on your sobriety, (I hope I heed my own advice) and if you think you need to see a councelor or psychiatrist please go and keep an open mind if you choose to. You might find more solace than you ever thought possible
Thank you SR forums for giving me a safe outlet to share. I already know I am going to love being here. Looking forward to Day 11.
- I've been suffering from Bi-Polar II disorder (undiagnosed) for almost 3 decades -- thru my teens and my entire adult life. Until very recently, I'd always assumed I had general depression/anxiety. I'm now getting treatment for BP, and this combined with eliminating alcohol, I feel like I actually have a baseline for the first time. I find myself wondering "is this how normal people feel?" I guess I was self-medicating. Using alcohol to dull my emotional swings & overactive brain. To tamp down my self-hatred and try to feel normal. I'm not sure I even hate myself right now. It might still be there, in the rear view mirror, like I remember what it feels like to hate myself, but I'm not "in" it. I wonder how many alcoholics start out this way: drinking to try to deal with some mental disorder they don't even know they have?
- I cannot "work" a 12-step program without losing that which I like most about myself: my skepticism towards other flawed people ("sponsor"). I've struggled with starting this for the better part of a week while I attended meetings. And I've decided I'm done with this program. I want to keep enjoying my new outlook on life. I do not want to become bitter, clinging to steps and sponsors and group-think vs feeling good about who you are and accepting yourself fully, without alcohol! Please do not take this as arguing merits of one method of recovery vs another. Please do whatever works FOR YOU to keep you sober. I'm saying that "working steps" will never work FOR ME. Because I still need support, I registered for this forum.
- Dealing with emotions is a double-edged sword. Cutting alcohol doesn't suddenly make your life all rainbows and unicorns no matter what BS someone promises you. I find that now, when I feel something negative, I'm right there, in the moment with it: fear, hurt, anger, jealousy, whatever. Instead and pushing it away, denying it's there, trying to rationalize it, and finally drowning it in beer, I have to DO something with it, right? So I let myself feel it & recognize how much it sucks, and then after a day, an hour, a prayer, a vent session with a friend (maybe I can come on SR for this too!), I can begin to let it go. It's still there but it's not taking up all my thoughts, and I can focus on my job or whatever needs to get done. I'm certainly not perfect and it hasnt been long, but I'm grafeful to be able to put what's bothering me in perspective. (This is probably the desired result if the "turn life over to Higher Power" step) I hope I can keep doing this to hone the skill for when something really goes wrong, as is part of life.
- I started writing. I'd always wanted to write fiction, and there's been a couple of stories kicking around in my head for years. I never had the discipline or belief in myself to do it. Not sure if there's a correlation (probably is) but this started about the time I decided to quit... (Unfortunately MORE than 10 days ago but whatever) and I've kept at it. It's a wonderful outlet for my feelings, and I don't care if it ever sees the light of day. I'm doing it and that makes me happy
- I have become more spiritual. I don't know what's "out there" if anything. But actions external to myself woke me up to my alcoholism. I had been in denial for years. I pray now, which I haven't done in years (I grew up Christian so this is what it feels like for me) and I feel like I have an open mind & heart because of it. I have gotten answers to questions I'd previously prayed about. I don't care if it's a type of spiritual placebo effect or I'm just more attentive & seeking now or what, but it's working.
- I say exactly what I think now. I always kind of did, but now I just let it out there in a matter-of-fact way. I have courage of my convictions, which I never used to have. But I also am quick to apologize as soon as I think I did someone wrong.
Those are the main points I have today. Please don't give up on your sobriety, (I hope I heed my own advice) and if you think you need to see a councelor or psychiatrist please go and keep an open mind if you choose to. You might find more solace than you ever thought possible
Thank you SR forums for giving me a safe outlet to share. I already know I am going to love being here. Looking forward to Day 11.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Proud of you for reaching Day 11 Rico.
Things will keep getting better as you heal. It feels so good to have a clear head & participate in life without our 'buffer'. We think it helps us cope, but it does just the opposite. Wish I'd seen the light decades ago.
Things will keep getting better as you heal. It feels so good to have a clear head & participate in life without our 'buffer'. We think it helps us cope, but it does just the opposite. Wish I'd seen the light decades ago.
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