FaithfulAndFree

While considering all the things that attributed to my relapse I realized one huge thing that I didn't address the first time. this thing is FRIENDS....

While my friends are sometimes put off at the condition I'm in when drinking, I don't have one friend who believe I have an alcohol problem or am an alcoholic. I know that my brain doesn't function properly on alcohol, I can admit I am powerless and out of control when alcohol is in the equation.... But after hearing from others time after time that they think I have no problems and that I just have to learn to moderate... It convinces me "Hey, maybe they're right". Even my closet friend says "just don't drunk unless I'm with you" as if I need a sitter. I don't believe my friends have malicious intent... I just don't drink much, so if I black out every time ... To them it's like "well she doesn't drink often". I don't want to completely cut off all my friends as this will get them talking and may hurt a lot of feelings. But I really want to be sober forever and I need people who are are serious about my sobriety as I am. Has anyone else had this issue? How to deal?

Soberwolf

As tough as it sounds you got to find new friends is there none that will listen ?

Dee74

I'm afraid I did have to cut off all my friends - by the end they were all drinking buddies.

I re ignited old friendships tho, and I made new ones with people who didn't drink at all, or drank sparingly...

maybe there's a way forward for you like that?

D

FaithfulAndFree

I have one friend who I can't rely on in that department. She also doesn't think I have a drinking problem but she will stand behind any decision I make. As for making new friends, I'm afraid my social anxiety will make that a little hard for me, but I'm not afraid of being friendless as I have plenty family and a son to spend time with. I just don't want to endure the backlash of cutting everyone off, butI'm willing to pay whatever price that I have to for my sobriety.

Resolv

My best friend & I hang out daily. She drinks daily. She doesn't believe I'm an alcoholic, but doesn't interfere with my recovery. In retrospect probably due to including her in my sobriety plan. Some friends are family and you can't pick family.

Hey. If it was easy, anyone could do it. We here at SR are up for the challenge.

resolute50

I put ME before my "friends".
Only I knew how bad of an alcoholic I was. After all I lived with him 24/7.

FaithfulAndFree

Thanks for all the replies, I am taking it all in. This will be the most significant and hardest decision towards my sobriety. I know I can go weeks, even months sober with them in my life... But if I want to make lifestyle changes that are forever I have to look at the long term effect of friends who don't support or understand my decision.

heartcore

It's all a process. There are many friends I'm willing to let go of. Some are special to me - I love them - & it is my job to figure out how to keep them in my life without drinking. I have the same issue - that people close to me don't believe I'm an alcoholic.

I tell them one of two things - either that I did most of my "extra drinking" alone, so they actually didn't know - which is true - or you can say that your liver numbers are high and your doctor told you not to drink (also true for many of us). If they don't get behind either of those to support you, well, maybe the love isn't what it appeared to be.

I have a beloved drinking friend coming to visit for the weekend right now. I gave him forewarning by text that I'm not drinking. I'll let you all know how it goes.

Mostly, I try to still spend time with folks I value (friends or family) in daytime environments (no nights out partying) - like lunch, or a bike ride. Those very special friends all share many non-drinking interests with me, so it is viable.

But I also put a lot of energy into making new sober friends, so the few oldies that I've chosen to keep in my life are well out-numbered...

FaithfulAndFree

@heartcore

Thanks, it's gonna be really hard but I'm committed to doing the right thing for me.

Meraviglioso

I have found that non-alcoholics generally do not understand. My dearest, best friend says very unhelpful things like "try drinking a glass of water in between drinks" and other such stuff. My amazing boyfriend has told me that he loves me no matter what and that he will protect and help me but he still does not understand how or why I am drawn to alcohol even when I explicitly state that I don't want to drink. I don't plan on cutting out anyone from my life. I don't have a single friend who I would consider to have a problem. In the pat, yes I did. But where I am now, no, I do not have any "drinking buddies" or alcoholic friends. Everyone I hang out with drinks reasonably and in a non-alcoholic way. I do not want to cut them out of my life. I may have to stya to myself some before I am ready to be around their (reasonable) drinking, but I do not feel the need to cut out anyone.
It is a tough decision to make. Had I quit years ago I would have had much more of an issue with certain people.

IOAA2

Hi. Many people have a few friends and the rest can be considered acquaintances. This is fine but consider this, what right has anyone got to say what the health condition is for someone else? If someone has diabetes or a heart condition do they use the friends advice for recommendations or someone with a medical background like a doctor.
To me friends are comforting while the professionals are for controlling and fixing the problem.

BE WELL

sprout50

Many times, friends don't want to lose their drinking buddy and sometimes people are afraid that they will be judged by the non drinker in the group. As alcoholics, we tend to make drinking friends. How often is drinking part of hanging out with your friends?

You need to figure out what is best for your sobriety.

FaithfulAndFree

Typically my friends always suggest drinking in most situations, the ones who don't are avid pot smokers. I think that I will cut them off and maybe reintroduce them back into my life one at a time. That way I will be able to clearly understand who may be a trigger and who may not be... But it this beginning phase I think that the best thing for me is to not be in the company of anyone who isn't like-minded.

NorMar

When I got sober about 4 years ago, the biggest hurdle I had was my still drinking friends. Had exactly the same issues you are describing. There is no easy way around it. Sooner or later you have to say "No, I don't want any." Practice it in your mind, saying No to any friend that offers you a drink. Be prepared for the inevitable "Why not?" "What's the matter?" Tell the truth. You don't have to say anything about having a drinking problem. It's really none of their business. The truth is, "I decided to stop drinking for a while." (no need to mention the "while" is forever). Tired of the hangovers, trying to get healthier. All good reasons to stop, all the truth. At least that worked for me.
Remember, there are Friends, then there are Drinking Buddies. Don't be surprised or hurt if some people (drinking buddies) don't want to be your friend any more. Lot's of people from my drinking days I don't see any more. Their choice, not mine. They were drinking buddies.
My two closest friends (true friends) are both Very heavy drinkers. But they know I don't drink any more. Don't try to force it on me. Even keep my choice on non alcoholic drinks around just for me.
It IS tough, but stay strong, Don't give in, Don't drink, and you will be surprised how things will fall into place for you. Good Luck.

FreeOwl

A lot of my friends are still my friends - but our friendship is changed. I no longer go out and spend countless hours drinking with them. They still do that. I still go to some of the gatherings. I still see them at certain shared events. I still consider them friends and we still talk and laugh sometimes. But there's more of a distance. I've focused on doing the healthy, fun, life-loving things I want to do with my reclaimed time.... and I don't tend to find my friends doing those things. I sometimes do. Sometimes invite them. Some of them sometimes are interested.

But by doing things I want to do, focusing on new, life-loving interests and activities I am also making new friends. It has taken time, but based around those healthy, fun, life-loving activities I am building a community of friends for whom alcohol is not the star around which their solar system revolves.

It takes time, it takes some effort, it takes a little discomfort.... but it is worth it.