gleefan

Today I was walking on eggshells because ...

- yesterday ah had a super long day of work out of town and I had a regular 9 hour day

- ah had to take out the trash after said long day, one of his three household responsibilities (the others being lawn/snow removal and laundry) - but was super angry that he had to do it at 8:00 at night.

- I didn't stay up to talk to ah after long day because he kept me up the night before with the loud tv in our bedroom. I went to bed when the kids did

- I only have a one and a glad hour shift today, and he has a regular day.

- he was sullen this morning.

- so I started a conversation totally faking it about how it was too bad he didn't have comp time to make up for his long, no good, very bad, super long day yesterday. I fluffed him a bit to prevent him from quacking.

I can't believe that I've never noticed that I was behaving certain ways to manage his moods. My recovery from alcoholism has been a gift. More IS revealed every day. A really wise friend of mine suggested it's never good stuff that's revealed, but the revelations facilitate healing and growth.

ladyscribbler

For me trying to prevent his rages was more stressful than the rages themselves. Constantly babying someone who caused all of their own problems and who balked and whined over the most minimal adult responsibilities was just galling sometimes.
When he raged I took my chances and struck back, just to release all that pressure I built up trying to manage his moods.
Of course it never occurred to me that I should just get out. It was my job to stay and "fix things." I must have been crazy.

gleefan

LS - I hadn't realized what I was doing all this time, that this was my way of walking on eggshells. My ah doesn't hit me or my children, and be doesn't break things. When he's drunk he's slobberingly sweet, all sunshine and promises. When sober, he's crabby, thoughtless, insulting, and self centered. Now that I'm aware I was walking on eggshells, I'm not doing it anymore!

Ive been up front with him about how I see our relationship, and that he needs to reexamines the way he treats me and lives his life. He told me that I'm being unfair to him, and he insults, put downs, and disregard are the same as they've ever been.

Yurt

Before I moved out, I would call my AH before driving home...every single day, just so I could gauge the emotional temperature. I think I felt that I had some sort of control that way. I'm sure that he saw it as just a nice gesture. As I got closer to leaving, I called less frequently and he was pretty annoyed. Perhaps he felt that he was losing control.

It feels so liberating now that I don't have to deal with the mood swings. Plus, it feels great to have the option of going "barefoot" whenever I want.

hopeful4

Me too Yurt!!!

sosadandhurt

Funny how that is. My AB does not live here anymore but we are still connected. Somehow, I cant seem to just stop. Anyway, he had a long day at work today and called when he got to his sisters house. He asked me, "so were you going to call me if I didn't call you first?" I lied and said yes, but was really enjoying the peaceful time and was not going to text or call. Funny how they can feel us detaching but couldn't seem to feel anything during the relationship!!!! Ugh, just so tired of it all, but cant seem to just let go.

Yurt

I need to call my AH sooner than later, and I am not looking forward to it. He emailed me two days ago to let me know that he had been diagnosed with Lupus. He has been on disability for the last 6 years due to a back injury, but I suspect that he is going to try to convince me to return because of this new diagnosis. All of his emails have been syrup and sugar, and end with "Luv you". This is after having had the "I'm not coming back" discussion 5 times now.
Also, the car that I co-owned with him was starting to have major mechanical problems about a week ago. After having some of the issues repaired, I moaned to my mother that I should just sell it (it is a really cute yellow Mini Cooper) and just buy a Honda or a Toyota. Well, she was all over that and told me to pick one out. On Saturday, I did and we finished the deal last night. This not only will solve the co-ownership issues, and financial quandary that kept me tangled up with him, but I won't have to have him offering to perform any repairs that are needed. The car has a 3 year warranty.
But I am definitely going to have to walk on eggshells when I finally talk to him tomorrow. Or just leave when the ranting starts...

gleefan

Yes!

I walked on eggshells because I was an alcoholic. I'm walking on eggshells because I'm recovering. I feel like no matter what I do, he's not happy. I think that's because -- he's not happy. For me, it's taken my own recovery from alcoholism, where I've learned that people, places and things don't have the power to make me happy or sad, only my perception of them, to realize that there is nothing *I* can do to make H happy.

That detachment is so hard for H to make heads or tails of. He's told me that "he feels" like I hate him. I don't hate him. He's just not used to my detachment.

And I can see why my detachment is scary for him. He's kept me wound tight in his needs and wants all these years. Everything, from our first apartment, has been intricately designed to suit him. His preferences have always taken priority. Now that mine are taking priority sometimes, he doesn't know how to deal, and thinks I hate him. It's exhausting learning to honor my needs in this relationship. I'm glad I'm doing it though.

Waaaay back when, even though I was riddled with -aholics and -isms, I had a sense of myself. I have faith, or optimism, or some intuitive sense (not sure which, still working on that) that this work I'm doing will take me back to me.

gleefan

I am walking on eggshells because ...

- he said he was upset that the house was a mess. He didn't do anything to get it organized, giving me the impression he thinks I should be the one to do it. I felt like he didn't approve of me.

- I skipped a kid's sports game because I had to work. He doesn't "understand" why I can't leave 15 minutes early, even though I work in childcare. He wants me to work because he likes the money - except when it's inconvenient for him.

- I went to an AA meeting after work instead of going straight home, alone, and spending my time after a long work day cooking or cleaning.

He picked up dinner for himself and the kids, but didn't call or text to see if I wanted any, or pick up something he knows I like.

I'm so used to that, but it occurred to me that I deserve nicer!

dandylion

gleefan.....yes, isn't it just amazing how so many things come into clearer focus once the curtains have been drawn back!!
Of course, you deserve nicer. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out...LOL. LOL!

Don't feel that you have to respond, rationalize or defend yourself to every criticism that he lobs your way. Figure out a way to answer in short words....."yes, the house is a mess". Period. OR, just ignore him completely. Or just walk away. Or just put on your earphones and listen to music. Picture him with "quacking" on his forehead. Picture him as waddling like a duck.......
You don't have to catch every ball that he decides to throw your way. He can just stay mad until he gets glad........

There is a new sheriff in town......

dandylion

NYCDoglvr

I can so relate! In recovery and away from the alcoholic I realized it was ME walking on eggshells, he never once cared how I felt or what I thought. Of course once I started to pull away he became super attentive because it's easier to keep the enabler you have than find a new one. Although he'd do that before getting his own act together.

gleefan

H is drunk. He's in a happy mood, finding himself very entertaining. Capable of laughing at himself. Repeating himself a lot.

He made a snack for himself and the kids and didn't leave any for me.

He lectured me about why it's preferable to socialize why playing lawn games over sitting around talking. It annoys him that I don't play a whole lot of games because he likes to play them. I am not him.

gleefan

H told the youngest that he couldn't hang out during the older kid's practice - by laughing at me when I asked. He laughs cruelly when he disagrees with something I ask, instead of saying no and explaining why. Then I retract my request and follow along with what he wants.

The younger wanted to know why daddy said no. I didn't make excuses for daddy. I didn't act in alliance with daddy. I told him I wasn't sure but he could ask daddy.

I was proud that I didn't put my child in the middle of the argument or align with my husband. I am proud I detached from his confusing behavior.

Sungrl

He asked me, "so were you going to call me if I didn't call you first?"


That sounds like something a 12 year old would say.

sosadandhurt

OMG, I know, yes it does. Thank you for saying that. It is exactly how I feel when talking to him. From what I have read the A's maturity level pretty much stops when they start drinking heavily. He has drank every single day(according to him, and he is PROUD of it) since he was 14. So basically I am dealing with a 14 year old and believe me it feels like it.

Rosalba

I don't have any drinking alcoholics in my life on a day to day basis, but the subtle yet all-pervasive effects of being an ACOA are, indeed, being revealed more and more every day. I can't believe how many crabby, rude, hostile boundary-busters I've kept in my life because I didn't want to hurt their feelings - and behaving in certain ways to manage their moods.

The vast majority have not even been alcoholics! However, I could tell myself that their nastiness was nothing to do with me, nothing personal and just let it go. I think that as my level of self-care improves, though, I'm experiencing quite how unpleasant and draining some people are to be around - and that actually I'm responsible for how I feel, and not how they feel.

It does mean that I'm gently distancing myself from some people I've known for years, and gently declining overtures from one or two I've met in the last couple of years.

Protecting someone from the consequences of their behaviour does them no good - whether they're alcoholics or not.

Rosalba

I hate to say this. I know we should offer support and understanding to the alcoholic, but as I read through your post about this guy's actions I had a profound shaft of insight:

'What a t**t!'

gleefan

Rosalba - I am an adult child of a dysfunctional family. The ACoA rings true with me.

In recovery I have noticed how many irritating, boundary busting people are in my life, too! Some I've cut loose, some I've carefully edged away from - and one lives with me. (Lol.)

In recovery I've learned how to recognize the really good relationships. I am nurturing them - bringing more love and light into my world than ever. It's beautiful.

gleefan

Tonight I told ah that I was going to a meeting and he wanted to know what was for dinner. I told him there wasn't anything cooked. He asked incredulously, "you didn't cook dinner?!" I felt embarrassed, lazy and unproductive.

Then I remembered that I had a very productive day:
- I worked on my recovery with some positive thinking exercises.
- I did something difficult for me, drove across the highway to my child's appointment.
- Applied for a professional job and followed up with my contact at the company
- Helped my kids with their homework
- drove my kids to sports practice.
- I didn't drink today

gleefan

I had to leave the house early today to bring my mother for a medical procedure. AH scolded me in bed after my alarm went off: "I thought you were leaving at 6:45!l

Me: "I am."

Ah: "You're not up yet."

Me: "I'm getting up in 5 minutes."

Ah: "That's not enough time."

I know exactly how long it takes me to get ready in the morning. AH's habit is to tell me I'm wrong and don't know what I'm doing. When I drank, I believed him. I am so much more pulled together now.