snakeman

Unfortunately I relapsed, and I am once again about 60 hours into my detox. I think the physical part has almost passed, except hardly any sleep, and when I do, it's like the worst fever dreams imaginable. I keep tossing and turning in my sleep, and sweating profusely. I keep having a dream where I'm about to get a few pills from my friend, and when I wake up, the cravings are right there to haunt me. They eventually go away only to come back multiple times throughout the day. I would really love to get out of my house right now, but I am stuck at home right now without a car until tomorrow, and I have my kids with me. I know this sounds horrible, but my daughters don't help at all. The house is destroyed, and I don't have the energy to get up and clean. This exact feeling is what drives me to relapse. I know I have to stay positive this time around. I really want to stay clean. When will this depressing feeling go away? Do I get to feel this crapy all the time now?

soberclover

It will get better the longer you stay clean. When I got clean I couldn't do it without support; face to face support. I went to a ton of NA meetings. I needed to figure out how to do things clean and I needed to be with people who thought like me. Don't give up...it does get better

OpioPhobe

You might feel rough at times, but I definitely wouldn't use how you are feeling now as any sort of yardstick for the future. The first few days were always the worst for me, and then it started getting better pretty quickly thereafter. The tiredness / insomnia would last for a while, but each person is different on how long it lasts. If you can get up and force yourself to do things it might help. That would help me.

Finrod

The 2nd day was always my worse. If I didn't keep busy and catch a meeting or two, I put myself in jeopardy. After that tho,, things started getting easier physically. It was an emotional rollercoaster that didn't getbetter without iop & na friends. It always helps to be around like minded folks. Keep your head up! Good thoughts headed your way.

finaltime

How are you? I sent you a PM. Please let us know, we care about you.

snakeman

I guess I can't pm until I've made 5 posts on here. But I am doing okay at the moment. Im trying to figure out how to get sleep tonight without tossing and turning, I still have to get up and work in the morning. I took benadryl a few nights ago and that was a huge mistake! I'm about to soak in the hot tub with epsom salt for a while to see if that helps at all. Tomorrow will be day # 4 and that be the longest I've gone without in 2 years.

snakeman

I just want to get back to a healthy drug free lifestyle and move on to positive things. Everything is starting to look up, and It helps to think about the future and all of the cool positive stuff I'll be able to do. First thing I'm going to do is move out of this apartment into a little house with a big yard for my daughter's to play in. I figured that it would be healthy to move seeing that this place just reminds me of getting high all the time. And I've been very unfair to my daughter's. They deserve better. Haha they deserve a big yard with a swing set and slide. Maybe an organic garden, since we like to eat healthy. I've been falling behind in school because of unexpected "dope sickness". I haven't been out of town in almost 3 years because I was afraid of running out of painkillers while on the road. I can't wait to do all of those things without this crapy drug. Thank you guys, it helps to talk about it. I'm feeling positive tonight

TiredEnough

Your number one priority needs to be not taking any more dope. Every time you do, it resets the clock.

cleaninLI

How's it going snakeman?

finaltime

4 days is huge. Absolutely huge. Are you going to meetings by chance? I tried so hard to white knuckle it for years, I made it a few times a couple months, but honestly wish so wish I would've done AA or NA or both years ago. Its the best thing I could've ever ever ever done for myself. I couldn't do it alone, always thought I could. Then my sponsor one time when I went back out in March told me "you can't do it alone." For some reason that line opened my eyes, I surrendered, did 90 meetings in 90 days. Working the steps has taught me so much more about living then I have ever learned in 36 years. I am not joking. Right now I am going through my 4th step, talking about everyone I have hurt from my addiction. I am looking forward to the step where I make amends to those people. Most people dread that part I hear but I think it will be so freeing.

As for your daughters, take it one day at a time. Don't beat yourself up now, biggest priority is keeping it in TODAY only. The time will pass even though at this point you think it is dragging, then you will be making living emends to them by giving them their father back. I promise you you will be shocked at how it feels to live again.

Keep posting. get to a meeting if you can, I still call people every few days from the program just to vent and cry about what is going on in my life. I never had that before, ever. Where I could pick up the easy phone, talk with someone about how I feel. They listen. They understand. Seriously it is a gift from god. I don't get judged. I can sit at a meeting, bitch about my life or gloat, nobody makes a comment. Best. gift. ever. Its not all pink clouds that is for sure but anything beats doing 2 bags of coke, 35 pills a day, 32 bottles of wine, then going to teach the next day and pretend I had my life together.

denphen

Congrats and good luck wish you the best. Very brave and strong hanging in amd trying to get clean

finaltime

How are you?

cleaninLI

How's it going snakeman?