erin8

I went for 6 days determined to quit this time. I've been drinking heavily since the first time I drank. I've never been the "i'll just have a couple" type of person. What's the point if you don't get wasted? Anyway.. I guess I've finally realized I have a problem. The first time I got drunk I was 13. I drank an entire bottle of wine and a 6 pack of "lady beer" with a friend. I was soooo sick. But I wanted more. Anyway.. its not like I started drinking all the time at that point but every time I drank, I drank til it was gone or I was falling asleep. I started drinking pretty often around the time my mom died when I was 18. I was also taking pills and smoking weed a lot then too but the draw to those things were never like my addiction to alcohol. I could take it or leave it. So lets fast forward a few years.. I got pregnant at 22 and stayed sober the entire pregnancy and until he started sleeping through the nights. Then I had a night job for awhile that forced me to only drink on weekends or call in sick.

I've been on day shift for about a year and a half now and my drinking has gotten worse and worse. I've tried cutting back by only buying small bottles but twice now I've called a neighbor to take me to the liquor store. I still wont drive after drinking (unless you count driving to work at 6 am after drinking until 3 am) yeah... I don't know what the hell I was thinking.

Some days I know I have a problem and I want to quit, some days I know and I just really want to drink anyway, and other days I wonder if maybe I'm just depressed and if I get it under control I can be a normal drinker.

I've gone to AA 3 times and I feel like such a hypocrite because I'm not sure if I really belong there. And because I haven't been sober the last 3 days. But the meetings are late and its a reason to stay sober past 3 pm.

ugh.

Thanks for reading.

Hevyn

Welcome erin! It's so good to have you with us.

You found a great place for encouragement. I was still drinking when I came crawling in here - and really couldn't imagine stopping forever. In my heart I knew my drinking days had to end - I was slowly killing myself. The more I read the stories here and got feedback, the stronger I became. I was finally ready to stop pretending I could control my drinking. I know it'll help you to be here - we're here to support you.

Soberwolf

Keep on trying to regain your sobriety

dont drink youl keep on feeling like this and you dont want that

sending friend request

hang in there good luck

luvmygirls

Welcome, and hang in there! I was still drinking when I came here (I'm only on Day 3 now). Read as much as you can, and see if anyone's stories seem familiar to you.

biminiblue

AA is for anyone who wants to stop drinking, regardless of when your last drink was.

I know someone who was arrested for DUI who hadn't had a drink for nine hours. Your blood alcohol level does not necessarily go down to acceptable levels between 3AM and 6AM; depending on how much you had to drink. So you might have been over the limit.

You can stop. Stick with this site, and maybe give AA another try - at least until you get some sober days under your belt.

erin8

yes I'm sure I was over the limit. I felt drunk the entire day and went to bed as soon as I got off work.

If everyday was like my worst days then I'd know without a doubt that I have to stop. But
I usually just have too much, go to bed, and go to work hungover. I could deal with that but its those nights when I do crazy stuff , cry for no real reason, become suicidal... those are the days that I don't want to become a way of life.

My dad is an alcoholic though and I've driven him to detox on a couple occasions after he binges. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to get to the point where all I do is drink all day and night and nearly die.

Waterfalls2014

Hi Erin, welcome! You sound like me. It's an endless cycle. Drink, feel like crap, feel good, drink again. I read a post on here not to long ago where someone added up the days they drank and felt hungover and they realized they only felt good around 52 days or so a year. I could relate to that so much. It got me thinking, is it really worth it to rip myself off from my own life. Changes are hard but they endless pit is even harder. Next time tell AV to go you know where, you're reclaiming your life. With some willpower you can do it. I'm rooting for you.

erin8

Every morning I wake up with the decision not to drink today but as the day wears on I want to more and more and by the time I leave the meeting.. I'm drunk within an hour. I wonder if AA is making it worse... the thought of never drinking again makes me want to drink! I'm sorry to blow up this thread but I really don't know what I'm doing.

SecondHandRose

Nice to meet you Erin.
I was only 13 when I used to get smashed with my friends on cheap cider. Like you, I've never been a 'just a couple' person... always take it to the excess. The older I get, the worse it's making me feel. I'm trying not to look at it as never drinking again, rather as not drinking today. I read something on here earlier about alcoholism being a chronic disease like asthma etc. If you have a relapse, you then seek/ adjust the help/meds/approach and start again. I can't comment on AA as I've never been - maybe I should have done so years ago!!
Keep going forward.
SHR

erin8

Well I missed my meeting this morning because I was/am still hungover. But there is another one tonight at 10.. so if I just make it til then, the liquor store will be closed by the time its over and will be closed tomorrow, too. So... here's to committing to two days.

AlexEmk

Hi Erin, glad you found your way up to here!! Myself... First Saturday night sober in, what, more then 15 years!! So I'm at day #1 sober... One day at a time!! We are all in this mess together so let's clean it all together too!

Anna

Hi Erin,

I'm glad you found us. If you decide that you want to stop drinking, there is lots of support here. And two days sober is a great start.

dSober

If you have a desire to quit drinking you belong.

erin8

2 hours til I leave for my meeting.... time is just draggingggggggggggggggggggggggg

VikingGF

Welcome, Erin. Glad to have you!

instant

the 'reasons' i drank weren't depression. I chased a buzz and loved it- it cost me . Glad i put it behind me.

My depression, anxity, sleep problems and unstable moods went away after i recovered from poisoning myself.

Cecilia44

Hi erin, You said: Every morning I wake up with the decision not to drink today but as the day wears on I want to more and more and by the time I leave the meeting.. I'm drunk within an hour. I wonder if AA is making it worse... the thought of never drinking again makes me want to drink! I'm sorry to blow up this thread but I really don't know what I'm doing.

Sounds like me a few years ago. I was drinking every single night. I just couldn't seem to get out of the "loop" ... the very habit of doing it itself.

I hope you made it today. Just one day is all you need to do at a time. If nothing else, have one day sober to break the cycle. Then move forward.

Hugs to you and welcome to the site!

leah333

Absolutely one day at a time. If you think about never getting to drink again you'll fill yourself with major anxiety. For me, I literally have to just think "ok, this is just today. I'm just not going to drink today."

Don't even worry about tomorrow. You can deal with tomorrow when it gets here

erin8

I made it! After the meeting I hung out for awhile and then I called a few people and waited until I knew the liquor store would be closed by the time I drove by. So I'm home now. Sober. AV is in my ear.... "there's always beer"... but I don't like it and it doesn't work fast enough so. . . I'm safe for today. I'm going to a meeting tomorrow morning. Probably another tomorrow night as well. Day 1 down. Again.

leah333

Great job Erin!