Thomasthetank

So I've been in this relationship for a long time, and I love my significant other dearly. Just one problem, she doesn't accept that I'm a recovering alcoholic and doesn't understand why I can't "just cut down a bit".

What's weird about this is she is not a big drinker, it's not like it would massively effect our social life and whatnot. I've even told her I was drinking much more than I let on, drinking before she arrived, then having a couple to keep up the pretense of it being moderate. I've explained that I didn't seem drunk because my tolerance was massive and it would take me a good 10 pints for there to be any noticeable difference in me.

She just doesn't get it.

Like we have friends round and she buys alcohol and it's in the house while I'm trying to recover. There's nothing worse than having a craving and opening the fridge and it is right there. I'm at a bit of a loss of what to do. She's perfect in almost every other way.

I haven't a clue what to do.

biminiblue

Whatever you do, don't drink.

You're doing great. Keep it going.

Nuudawn

She can't understand what's going on with you ..and you can't understand why she can't understand That's hard.

I'm really sorry bout the bit where she isn't understanding enough to respect your issue with visual triggers in the fridge. It really sounds like she is "resisting" acceptance of your issue with alcohol. She doesn't want you to have it..and well, that's something I hope she gets over or she may subconsciously try to trip you up (as in the booze is in the fridge on purpose).

It's kind of like someone on a diet who asks their partner to hide the chocolate or chips they insist on buying. The partner who smugly displays it or chomps on it grinning in evil delight...

Well.that's their issue. And how sad it is...

I don't have too much advice..just empathy. Hope you can work this out.

Jupiters

I don't have much advice either Tom
have you had an actual GOOD heart to heart with her about this? I mean, a really good talk? Explained the severity of the issue at hand?
My BF just received a gift from a co-worker, a 26'er of Cuban rum, he politely asked me if it was going to be a problem, he would keep it in his car...I said no. But that's just me.
I think if you're going to get through this, there needs to be an understanding on both ends of what is OK and not OK.
This is your life we're talking about. Good luck. I hope you guys can figure something out.

Thomasthetank

I honestly don't think she's doing it to try and get me to drink again. More that she just doesn't understand why I'd look at a can of beer and need to go for a walk outside for twenty minutes in order not to break.

She's never been addicted to anything, she doesn't get it.

Thomasthetank

Oh yeah I mean I went into brutal detail. Like about crying because I wanted to drink so badly and suicidal thoughts, everything. I'm not somebody who is that bad in terms of what she does either, I mean if she wants to go to the pub and have a couple, that's fine. Just don't have it right in front of me.

Jupiters

and she doesn't have to.
My BF doesn't GET IT either - but there needs to be a mutual understanding and respect.

Nuudawn

^^^^^^^ this.

Eauchiche

As an AlAnon'er, I absolutely get it.
Alcoholism is a family disease. This means that there is at least one addict (
recovering in your case), and a group of people, unless they are in recovery too, who try to enable and prolong the disease.
Hang in there, friend. Ask your higher power for help.

Anna

It sounds like the two of you have talked openly about the issue. If you told her how much it bothers you to see alcohol in the fridge and she continues to do it, then you are at an impasse. Could you buy a small fridge for the garage or basement? I hope you guys can work this out.

Thomasthetank

That sounds like a good idea, like buy a little fridge and say that this is where you keep alcohol so I don't have to look at it when I want some food or whatever. Thanks Anna.

SadieJack

I have seen this before with some of my friends. One tries to quit, the other doesn't understand the triggers and the need to get rid of every one of them.

Just throwing this out - could it be she likes you better when you have a couple of drinks? That has happened to me. I am a very quiet person except when I drink. Then I am the life of the party. People have actually told me that I am more fun, relaxed etc when I drink a couple. Just a thought.... maybe your personality changes in a way that she prefers when you drink? Hope I have not offended.

Fly N Buy

Wow, your AV personified!
Stay strong and put sobriety as the number one goal daily in your life.....Is your gal trying to control you, perhaps or afraid of losing control....???

Don't know, but maybe that's part of it.....maybe more dialogue from your heart to fully explain your struggles??

peace

Tang

My SO never thought I had a problem, but she came from an Italian family where they made their own wine. Ironically she doesn't drink. But like some others have said she likes my 'drinking personality.' I'm still fighting this one.

Joe Nerv

This was my thought. Doesn't matter whether or not she understands it. It matters very much however, IMO, whether she respects it or not.

If I were with someone and they couldn't accept the fact that I can't drink safely, it would be a deal breaker. It wouldn't matter what else they had going for them. She'd be putting my very life in danger. Same was true for me with music (although not physically life threatening). I'm a musician. There a lot to contend with in that package and my wife knew all about it long before we were married. She accepts everything about me, whether she understands and/or likes it, or not. And I do the same with her.

This is important stuff, and not something that I think should be taken lightly.

Jupiters

I'd explain that if you were to keep up the "drinking personality" any longer, there may be not much "personality" left at all.

Jupiters

One would think that if someone was trying to quit something to become a better, healthier version of themselves, one would find support in this???
Am I missing something? sorry

edit - not at you Joe Nerv
just in general. I don't understand the dynamic in the thinking of NOT being supportive of someone you love, who wants to change for the better?? *scratches head*

Thomasthetank

No man you haven't offended at all. This is what I'm worried about. Maybe she likes me as a drunk. The thing is, if I keep living this way I'll die. There's no two ways about it, at the rate I was drinking I would die very young. Maybe she went out with the drunk me and doesn't like the new, sober me. If so we'll have to break up because I can't kill myself over a girl.

I love her but I cannot die over this.

SadieJack

Absolutely!! You must put your health and sanity first. You don't want her to sabotage your efforts, even if she is doing it on a subconscious level.

SadieJack

In the best of all worlds people would support a person trying to be better, but unfortunately a lot of people don't for a variety of reasons: jealousy (they feel like they will have to improve too); fear (if the partner gets better they may leave the relationship); keeping status quo (the partner may not want to adapt to change)

Sad but true. I found this out when I was trying to lose weight. I was sabotaged all the time.