mischa1

Well. I hope this doesn't blow up in my face. Against my better judgement I saw AH. It was mostly his mothers doing. His mother loves me. I'm actually the only woman he has ever been with that she likes. Yay me I guess.

Anyway. So she calls me this weekend in tears that my AH would be dead by the morning and I would never see him again. She is 73 and has no car and she said it was too hot to take all the busses to get to see him. I took the bait and went to make sure he was ok/see what was going on.

He was fine. It was her idea and it worked. She guilt tripped me and I fell for it. I love my mother in law. She is one of my favorite people. She's good. She doesn't want me to get away.

So we are seeing what we see. He is starting to accept his part of responsibility for what is going on. He is no longer pitching baby fits or demanding anything from me. He is being nice and treating me with love and respect like before we were married.

I'm not saying I'm tearing up the annulment papers I'm going to sit on them for a minute. If it looks like we might work it out I will have my lawyer change them to legal separation or divorce. It's all the same paperwork and money. I'm pretty sure the paperwork is good for 6 months and he will sign the divorce papers if I want him to.

This is all against my brains better judgement bc I know how he was and I know it will probably go poorly in the end but I can't force myself to be ready to leave him. I guess I'm not at MY rock bottom yet.

Is it really bad that I'm giving him another chance. Why do I love this psycho so much?!?!? Ugh.

He stopped blaming me and isn't asking for money or a phone or anything. It's record breaking heat and he has no AC in his apt. I offered him to come home during the day if it got too hot and he declined. My son hates him and is at my apt living so that was the right choice for him to make.

I'm going to hang around here and keep reading everyone's posts. I'll need the support again if this goes bad. I'm hopeful but realistic. And I'm not letting him come home until he has a job and can pay his part financially. And he knows I have the papers to turn in anytime.

I'm not sure what instituted the change but at least for now he is being a pretty decent husband. It might have something to do with the doctor finding a lump in my breast. I don't think he totally believed me until he saw me and felt the lump. It really scared him. I ask him how he thought I felt dealing with this alone and dealing my husband being a total azz.

Time will tell.

SparkleKitty

More will be revealed. Take care of yourself.

hopeful4

Be very cautious. He is now seeing consequences for his behavior. That is good. "My son hates him." Have you really thought about this and what that can mean for your future? Just throwing that out there as many times it's easier for those around us to recognize how we are being treated and be unable to tolerate it than we are ourselves.

Stay strong, let him figure out his own path.

Hammer

Dunno if you follow yet . . . (no real time in the game, so how could you, huh?) . . . that often they do not "get better," (or worse for that matter) Folks with Mental Health issues . . . cycle.

Up and Down and Up and Down. Folks that have been around and try to make families with this even call it the "Roller Coaster" without even really understanding what is going on, but describing the experience.

We all line up and try to put these measures on it. Raging, not Raging. Drinking More, Drinking Less. Cutting, not Cutting. And we start looking around for signs, causes, wonders! Are they better? Are they worse?

Real Deal. They Just Are. Better/Worse/Less/More . . . whatever.

Your Look-Ahead at this point:

Do you want to be legally and financially tied to someone you know has problems? Big Problems. And once they sink you, you cannot even help them.

Do you want your kids to have these household conditions?

It can sort of become a "Building Your House on the Sand" experience. Do you know that Parable?

I am not saying that you cannot love, like, enjoy this guy. If he is good in bed you can even get your brains f-d out. All great stuff.

But the grown-up stuff ahead. Best done by Grown-Ups.

Thumper

Of course not. We love who we love. It is really important for you to mind your side of the street now more than ever. Identify your boundaries and how you will proceed when they are challenged - because of course they will be challenged. That is a given. You work your recovery hard, just like he will have to work his.

I'm glad he chose to stay away for the time being to give each other a little breathing room. Something to think about - you seem to think he made the right choice and that it is best for everyone that he stays away for a bit - yet you left that choice up to him. Being hot won't kill anyone and you don't own the only air conditioned room in the city. There are libraries, jobs, grocery stores, etc. You don't have to rescue or save him from himself or the weather. He's a grown man and can figure that out all on his own. This next part is said gently - You might notice that he started acting like an adult only after you stopped treating him like a child.

I, as a codependent spouse, treated my partner like a 5yo. While that happened because of the dysfunctional lives we led and was done first out of love and then out of 'obligation' once I knew better, I could do better. That dynamic is a relationship killer and is, I think, the most destructive thing *I* brought to my relationship. It ultimately bred oceans of resentments on both sides. I vowed to never do that to him or anyone else again. I value respect enormously and like to view myself as a very respectful person and now I see that as the most disrespectful thing I have ever done to another person. I would light on fire if someone treated me that way.

Sungrl

Personally I would proceed. Change does not happen that quickly. You don't stay in an abusive alcoholic relationship to appease your ailing mother in law.
Reread your previous posts.

mischa1

Yes hammer. That all makes a lot of sense. I'm thinking of doing the legal separation no matter what. That unties us financially with us still being legally married. My son is 19 very soon to be 20 and once he finishes his class in December he should be able to get a job and move out. I hope so. Not that I don't love my son and love being around him all the time again it's not good for him to be living off of mommy. It's not good for mommy either. I need some space. If my husband goes south again he will not live long so I will not be married long I will be a widow. I just want to protect myself financially. I don't mind being married to him legally until he dies. It's so sad to think if I leave he will die. Maybe that holds me to him a little more too. I'm just going to protect myself take it slow and 1 day at a time. I dont have to make a decision right now this second. I'm going to watch his actions. Hopeful but realistic.

lillamy

Only you can determine when you've had enough.

HikerLady

Interesting that Mom (you labeled her one of his prime enablers in another thread) called you and you "took the bait"against your better judgement. Why? "she doesn't want me to get away". Is she thinking about what's best for HER, for YOU or for HIM? What does your gut say? I'm thinking it only benefits him and her and keeps you vunerable. She may love you,but her son is her priority and she has a bad track record for doing right by him now (enabler) doesn't she? Why follow her lead back down the hole?

I'd look into what he may come away with in terms of divorce vs.annulment. I'm not well versed on laws,so it's just a thought, but wouldn't he stand to get money from you in a divorce settlement vs.an annulment? His drastic change in one week may just have been enough time for him to slap the mask back on, thinking he will lose you eventually, but at least he can get something out of it if he plays nice for long enough to make it a divorce issue rather than annulment. Please be careful!

mischa1

I think I do this. I think this my "part" of the bad in our relationship. I'm letting him take care of his problems now. Money housing phone job. All of it he has to deal with.


And I have read and reread all my post and will continue to do so.

Sungrl

Do you really mean that you don't mind being legally married to him until he dies??

What kind of life is that for you? That seriously limits you happiness and yes the MIL is trying desperately to keep you around so she does not have to worry as much about him. She knows she is too tired to do it anymore so you fit the bill nicely. IMO.

FeelingGreat

mischa, I honestly think you've gotten sucked back in by these 2, remembering the way he's treated you in the past. He's not going to be Mr Nice forever, and his mother sounds needy.

Consider going ahead with the annulment, unless you have some overwhelming need to be married to him to have a relationship.

I hope the lump turns out to be benign as most of them do. Take care.

hopeful4

I can only say that I would not be so positive that just b/c you are not with him he will die. Addicts can live for a very very long time in complete chaos and drag you with them for decades.

Good luck to you. I understand about your son needing to move out, but I do hope you maintain a close relationship with him!

AnvilheadII

And I'm not letting him come home until he has a job and can pay his part financially.

he has a LOT bigger problems than getting a job.

I offered him to come home during the day if it got too hot and he declined. My son hates him and is at my apt living so that was the right choice for him to make.

hmmm, seems the "right choice" would have been to respect your son's feelings regarding this man and not have made the offer.

I'm not sure what instituted the change but at least for now he is being a pretty decent husband.

i think you need to raise your standards on what constitutes DECENT and HUSBAND. being NICE for an hour visit or whatever is all you are basing this decision upon, in light of the past absolutely HORRID "worst six weeks of your life" - that he did not ask for money, or a phone. that he didn't call you names or threaten you with violence.

FireSprite

You gotta do what you gotta do FOR YOU, but I'm wary of the idea that ANYONE can do a 180 without serious, serious spiritual awakenings. (Which is NOT the same as being out of options, feeling sorry for yourself or hating living with the consequences of your choices.)

Re-reading your previous posts I'm wondering what it is that you MISS? Sounds like it's been a hell-ride from Day #1 with horrific mistreatment & disrespect of you all around. I do think having an expectation that his disease will take his life sooner rather than later is a serious overstatement...... even end-stage alcoholics continue on in very poor health for many, many agonizing years. I've seen that many times (unfortunately) & it's a very ugly, humiliating & long process that I don't ever want to have to witness again.

Fandy

He and Mama have you right where they want you....playing fetch and step, "checking" on him like he is a 10 year old.

of course she "likes" you, you do what she wants to help her enable her precious son.

don't answer your phone or talk to him for just a week or 2 and watch them BOTH do a 180 turn on you.

good grief, go through with the paperwork NOW, before you are legally responsible for something he does.

Sungrl

Seriously Mischa, the advice doesn't get any better then that

What in the world does he bring to the table for you?

BunnyNest

You can still *choose* to be part of his life if you go forward with the annulment. That protects you. In a year, after you both worked a very solid recovery, you can remarry and it will be meaningful beginning to married life together, versus the start of this marriage.

I learned the very hard way that as a codependent I didn't have any knowledge of how to protect myself physically, emotionally or financially. After two years, I am still learning. Take care of yourself.

atalose

Guilt is a horrible cruel weapon used to manipulate in order to get what is wanted. That is not a loving act by your mother in law at all.

You are facing a possibly serious health issue, he didn’t even believe you until he felt the lump – wow. And not it sounds like you are counting on him to be there for you through this when the fact is he can’t even be there for himself.

Don’t put this guy or his mother ahead of you, your son or your health because there is no return investment only more hurt heartache and disappointments.

dandylion

Misca....Yes, RIGHT BACK DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE.

dandylion