Back down the rabbit hole?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
So sorry to hear you found a lump. Do you have a biopsy scheduled? Let us know how you're doing.
As for being on again, that's really up to you. If you're going to give things another try, please do check into some Alanon meetings if you haven't already. Taking good care of yourself needs to be your top priority, especially right now. Your husband is an adult, even if his mother doesn't see him that way. Letting him figure things out on his own is a good idea. It allows him the dignity of making his own choices and achieving things for himself.
I am skeptical that someone who was so over the top with abuse and craziness can simply decide to stop behaving that way and completely change overnight, but as with anything else, more will be revealed.
Hugs to you. Please take care of your health. That needs to be #1 right now.
As for being on again, that's really up to you. If you're going to give things another try, please do check into some Alanon meetings if you haven't already. Taking good care of yourself needs to be your top priority, especially right now. Your husband is an adult, even if his mother doesn't see him that way. Letting him figure things out on his own is a good idea. It allows him the dignity of making his own choices and achieving things for himself.
I am skeptical that someone who was so over the top with abuse and craziness can simply decide to stop behaving that way and completely change overnight, but as with anything else, more will be revealed.
Hugs to you. Please take care of your health. That needs to be #1 right now.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Lot's of venom gets spit out sometimes over passionate topics. Remember, many of the same people that post on SR( not necessarily on this thread ) have had similar experiences and done exactly what you are doing, regardless of their posts.
You asked why you love him......only you know that answer. BASED ON THAT ALONE - Here is another way perhaps to view things.
Love holds no records of wrongs......
Potential for forgiveness - based on cumlative different behaviors is grace in your heart that not everyone has.
Sometimes, this is misinterpreted. It does NOT mean we are doormats.
Hurt and abuse are unacceptable - however, the meaning of this is a sprit of reconciliation. You seem to have that while still being true to yourself....IMO
peace
You asked why you love him......only you know that answer. BASED ON THAT ALONE - Here is another way perhaps to view things.
Love holds no records of wrongs......
Potential for forgiveness - based on cumlative different behaviors is grace in your heart that not everyone has.
Sometimes, this is misinterpreted. It does NOT mean we are doormats.
Hurt and abuse are unacceptable - however, the meaning of this is a sprit of reconciliation. You seem to have that while still being true to yourself....IMO
peace
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I agree with Dandylion.
DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE AGAIN.
It is very dark down there, and you can't see clearly at all. It is also a place without sustenance, light, or any way to live a reasonable or healthy life.
And, having been way down in the rabbit hole myself, it is very hard to climb out, and the longer you stay there, the worse it gets and the less likely you can get out. We diminish and dwindle down there, become less and less the longer we are trapped.
If you go ahead with the annulment, for which there is every reason, you will be free to relate to him or not as his future behavior deserves.
Right now, he does not deserve a marriage with you - he hasn't created one, hence the justification for an annulment. He trashed you and made a mockery of your wedding and your honeymoon. He hurt you profoundly.
Put the ball totally in HIS court. Annul the marriage and tell him when - if - he gets his addiction under control, detoxes, does a solid program for 6 months to a year minimum, you will consider where your relationship needs to go.
Right now, from my experience, you are in a knee-jerk co-dependent reaction and you don't understand why or what is happening to you.
For me, a relationship with an alcoholic/addict is cyclical. It's like a play with many acts. Act 1 is the courting; he is wonderful and he thinks you are wonderful, and you fall in love and merge and want to be with him forever.
Act 2 is he gets to thinking he's put you on a pedestal and maybe you just aren't so great, after all. Then, it starts down hill and he begins blaming you for all of his problems. At the same time, he expects and relies on you to do everything he wants you to make his life exactly how he wants it, with his addiction front and center. Your life, your feelings, your love - they don't matter at all next to his compelling needs.
Act 3, it falls apart and he becomes destructive, abusive, blaming, torpedoing the relationship so badly that you can't live with it, and he thinks it is all your fault. He sets out to damage you in ways knowing and unknowing, in ways overt and subtle. It becomes so bad you can't stay and keep your soul alive. You leave at the end of ACT 3 to preserve your sanity and life.
Now what happens?
Guess what? There isn't an Act 4. There is just Act 1 again. He realizes that having lost you, he's lost his enabler, the lynchpin around which his comfortable addiction revolves, and he needs you back to get his addiction supported and his addictive lifestyle back in balance. So, the honeymoon/seduction phase begins again. Now you are fabulous again, deserving of love and he is solicitous, kind, caring and underneath it all, manipulative. He wants HIS life back; he doesn't care about yours except for having you there to fix his life again. But you can't see this yet. And then the curtain on Act 2 inevitably opens again.
Your choice is whether you go back to Act 1, and believe him with no evidence whatsoever that he has made any profound change. His words are good, but in one week, he has done nothing to face his addiction, commit to recovery, work a solid program, and put his heart and soul into being the man he sold you on believing he could be. He has mostly managed to look pitiful and in need of a keeper. Your magnaminity in taking on again the role of fixer is, from my experience, self delusion as to how far your power extends.
The watchword here on SR is "look at actions, not words." No one can fix him but himself. Don't get sucked into that all powerful, all suffering, fixer role. When I did that, I finally realized that I was trying to get some unhealthy need of my own fixed by deluding myself that I was that powerful as to run someone else's life better than they could. Better for me to mind my own side of the street and fix my own potholes.
Or, instead of revolving back into ACT 1... which leads to ACT 2.... which leads to ACT 3, over and over,
You can write your own Epilogue: She left him and she spent her time figuring out why she was dysfunctional enough to think that she belonged in this sort of destructive relationship, and then she lived happily ever after.
For me, I believe the pivot point which allowed me to finally choose self preservation was the Alanon saying:
You didn't cause it;
You can't control it; and
You can't cure it.
This may sound harsh, but it comes from my own experience. When I married my now XAH twenty years ago, I knew after 3 months that there was something wrong and dysfunctional and I should leave. I didn't. Even my therapist doubted me and said to stay. I was right. What I sensed was there and it got really bad. You can read my story in the sticky "What Abuse Is".
My husband was contemplating running for local office and he was, at that moment, a terribly emotionally and verbally abusive alcoholic with cross addictions and I had allowed myself to be denigrated and subdued and almost destroyed. I left when he charged over $1500 on internet porn on my credit card. Literally ran away, snuck out of the house with my dog and a suitcase, filed for divorce and never went back.
I worried terribly at first that if I filed, as I needed to for my own protection, a divorce statement that documented his true behavior, I might impact his run for office. Talk about worrying about whether he has an air conditioner or not!
It is the same reasoning, though. HIS needs are paramount. For his sake, it seems okay for us to forget everything about how our life with him has been so devastating, because he might need something and it is our job to provide it. I stayed away, completed the divorce and it was the right thing to do.
He asked me to come back, penitent and apologizing for his behavior several times. He seemed to be getting it together, moderating his drinking. But the dysfunctional dynamics were so deep that I didn't believe I could go back and not be pulled by that undertow.
And I was right. Recently, more than 2 years after leaving, I just got an email from him saying we needed to talk, because I was psychotic when I left him and imagined everything and he forgave me but needed me to agree that I caused the divorce, which he said, was a great mistake.
Your son's reaction is telling. At this point, he still needs a mother. Kids always do, even when they are adults. This is a major red flag. Think about where you loyalty really needs to be. I'd suggest it is to yourself and your son. Let your "husband's" mother the enabler enable and not suck you into it.
I think Fandy has the best advice: go no contact for 2 to 3 weeks and see how his behavior changes. Let the ball be in HIS court to prove that he is commited to a healthy life and marriage with you.
Take care of yourself first and get out of the legal accountability you have with him and for him. You don't have a real marriage now. Let the legal status reflect the reality rather than pinning your hopes on him changing.
Let him DESERVE to be married to you, and re-marry you properly and treat you like a cherished bride when and if he has proven he is capable of being a true lover and husband. For me, that would be the way to start a new life together.
It is your decision, and we all respect that. Said with great kindness, take what you want and leave the rest.
ShootingStar1
DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE AGAIN.
It is very dark down there, and you can't see clearly at all. It is also a place without sustenance, light, or any way to live a reasonable or healthy life.
And, having been way down in the rabbit hole myself, it is very hard to climb out, and the longer you stay there, the worse it gets and the less likely you can get out. We diminish and dwindle down there, become less and less the longer we are trapped.
If you go ahead with the annulment, for which there is every reason, you will be free to relate to him or not as his future behavior deserves.
Right now, he does not deserve a marriage with you - he hasn't created one, hence the justification for an annulment. He trashed you and made a mockery of your wedding and your honeymoon. He hurt you profoundly.
Put the ball totally in HIS court. Annul the marriage and tell him when - if - he gets his addiction under control, detoxes, does a solid program for 6 months to a year minimum, you will consider where your relationship needs to go.
Right now, from my experience, you are in a knee-jerk co-dependent reaction and you don't understand why or what is happening to you.
For me, a relationship with an alcoholic/addict is cyclical. It's like a play with many acts. Act 1 is the courting; he is wonderful and he thinks you are wonderful, and you fall in love and merge and want to be with him forever.
Act 2 is he gets to thinking he's put you on a pedestal and maybe you just aren't so great, after all. Then, it starts down hill and he begins blaming you for all of his problems. At the same time, he expects and relies on you to do everything he wants you to make his life exactly how he wants it, with his addiction front and center. Your life, your feelings, your love - they don't matter at all next to his compelling needs.
Act 3, it falls apart and he becomes destructive, abusive, blaming, torpedoing the relationship so badly that you can't live with it, and he thinks it is all your fault. He sets out to damage you in ways knowing and unknowing, in ways overt and subtle. It becomes so bad you can't stay and keep your soul alive. You leave at the end of ACT 3 to preserve your sanity and life.
Now what happens?
Guess what? There isn't an Act 4. There is just Act 1 again. He realizes that having lost you, he's lost his enabler, the lynchpin around which his comfortable addiction revolves, and he needs you back to get his addiction supported and his addictive lifestyle back in balance. So, the honeymoon/seduction phase begins again. Now you are fabulous again, deserving of love and he is solicitous, kind, caring and underneath it all, manipulative. He wants HIS life back; he doesn't care about yours except for having you there to fix his life again. But you can't see this yet. And then the curtain on Act 2 inevitably opens again.
Your choice is whether you go back to Act 1, and believe him with no evidence whatsoever that he has made any profound change. His words are good, but in one week, he has done nothing to face his addiction, commit to recovery, work a solid program, and put his heart and soul into being the man he sold you on believing he could be. He has mostly managed to look pitiful and in need of a keeper. Your magnaminity in taking on again the role of fixer is, from my experience, self delusion as to how far your power extends.
The watchword here on SR is "look at actions, not words." No one can fix him but himself. Don't get sucked into that all powerful, all suffering, fixer role. When I did that, I finally realized that I was trying to get some unhealthy need of my own fixed by deluding myself that I was that powerful as to run someone else's life better than they could. Better for me to mind my own side of the street and fix my own potholes.
Or, instead of revolving back into ACT 1... which leads to ACT 2.... which leads to ACT 3, over and over,
You can write your own Epilogue: She left him and she spent her time figuring out why she was dysfunctional enough to think that she belonged in this sort of destructive relationship, and then she lived happily ever after.
For me, I believe the pivot point which allowed me to finally choose self preservation was the Alanon saying:
You didn't cause it;
You can't control it; and
You can't cure it.
This may sound harsh, but it comes from my own experience. When I married my now XAH twenty years ago, I knew after 3 months that there was something wrong and dysfunctional and I should leave. I didn't. Even my therapist doubted me and said to stay. I was right. What I sensed was there and it got really bad. You can read my story in the sticky "What Abuse Is".
My husband was contemplating running for local office and he was, at that moment, a terribly emotionally and verbally abusive alcoholic with cross addictions and I had allowed myself to be denigrated and subdued and almost destroyed. I left when he charged over $1500 on internet porn on my credit card. Literally ran away, snuck out of the house with my dog and a suitcase, filed for divorce and never went back.
I worried terribly at first that if I filed, as I needed to for my own protection, a divorce statement that documented his true behavior, I might impact his run for office. Talk about worrying about whether he has an air conditioner or not!
It is the same reasoning, though. HIS needs are paramount. For his sake, it seems okay for us to forget everything about how our life with him has been so devastating, because he might need something and it is our job to provide it. I stayed away, completed the divorce and it was the right thing to do.
He asked me to come back, penitent and apologizing for his behavior several times. He seemed to be getting it together, moderating his drinking. But the dysfunctional dynamics were so deep that I didn't believe I could go back and not be pulled by that undertow.
And I was right. Recently, more than 2 years after leaving, I just got an email from him saying we needed to talk, because I was psychotic when I left him and imagined everything and he forgave me but needed me to agree that I caused the divorce, which he said, was a great mistake.
Your son's reaction is telling. At this point, he still needs a mother. Kids always do, even when they are adults. This is a major red flag. Think about where you loyalty really needs to be. I'd suggest it is to yourself and your son. Let your "husband's" mother the enabler enable and not suck you into it.
I think Fandy has the best advice: go no contact for 2 to 3 weeks and see how his behavior changes. Let the ball be in HIS court to prove that he is commited to a healthy life and marriage with you.
Take care of yourself first and get out of the legal accountability you have with him and for him. You don't have a real marriage now. Let the legal status reflect the reality rather than pinning your hopes on him changing.
Let him DESERVE to be married to you, and re-marry you properly and treat you like a cherished bride when and if he has proven he is capable of being a true lover and husband. For me, that would be the way to start a new life together.
It is your decision, and we all respect that. Said with great kindness, take what you want and leave the rest.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by Flynbuy 
Lot's of venom gets spit out sometimes over passionate topics. Remember, many of the same people that post on SR( not necessarily on this thread ) have had similar experiences and done exactly what you are doing, regardless of their posts.
You asked why you love him......only you know that answer. BASED ON THAT ALONE - Here is another way perhaps to view things.
Love holds no records of wrongs......
Potential for forgiveness - based on cumlative different behaviors is grace in your heart that not everyone has.
Sometimes, this is misinterpreted. It does NOT mean we are doormats.
Hurt and abuse are unacceptable - however, the meaning of this is a sprit of reconciliation. You seem to have that while still being true to yourself....IMO
peace
You asked why you love him......only you know that answer. BASED ON THAT ALONE - Here is another way perhaps to view things.
Love holds no records of wrongs......
Potential for forgiveness - based on cumlative different behaviors is grace in your heart that not everyone has.
Sometimes, this is misinterpreted. It does NOT mean we are doormats.
Hurt and abuse are unacceptable - however, the meaning of this is a sprit of reconciliation. You seem to have that while still being true to yourself....IMO
peace
Signing up for more of the behavior you had to forgive is not.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Mischa;
go back and read your other postings.
He CONNED you, he was too drunk in however many weeks he was "married" to bother to WANT have sex with you. Now his mama clucks and fusses over him...
what's wrong with this picture? This is not a marriage, it's a sham that you are ending because your gut is telling you it's a phony.
there is forgiving someone and there are some things that just don't make sense. You should listen to your attorney first and foremost.
Your health and upcoming biopsy take priority over everything. get this paperwork filed and you will feel better.
he is quacking louder and louder with mama joining in. (and amazingly some others) Block them both for a few days so you can think clearly. The extra stress is NOT good for your body, especially now.
go back and read your other postings.
He CONNED you, he was too drunk in however many weeks he was "married" to bother to WANT have sex with you. Now his mama clucks and fusses over him...
what's wrong with this picture? This is not a marriage, it's a sham that you are ending because your gut is telling you it's a phony.
there is forgiving someone and there are some things that just don't make sense. You should listen to your attorney first and foremost.
Your health and upcoming biopsy take priority over everything. get this paperwork filed and you will feel better.
he is quacking louder and louder with mama joining in. (and amazingly some others) Block them both for a few days so you can think clearly. The extra stress is NOT good for your body, especially now.
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