Chasingthedream

Hey guys,

I haven't been around in a while, maybe I thought I had this thing beat, I'm not sure. I feel like I'm not sure about a lot of things. But I'm back, even though I have no idea how to progress from this point.

The whole thing feels so predictable, even though I really thought I had made all the right steps:

I changed my mobile number so my dealer could no longer send me those annoying 'get your orders in early for the weekend' texts, and so I had absolutely no way (or so I thought) to get his number by looking through old bills...

I stopped going out and putting myself in situations where I knew people would be doing coke and where I might be tempted.

I even scaled down my 40th birthday celebrations so that I went out for a low key lunch with friends, in stead of the evening bash I had planned...

I made a couple of big life decisions- I decided to quit my job as I realised it was making me miserable and that I was turning to coke as a way to relieve that misery and boredom

Maybe the issue was with what I DIDN'T do?

I didn't quit drinking- I have never had a problem with booze and I didn't think it was so much of a trigger as I made choices to pick up even when I wasn't drinking.

For the first 4 months I revelled in my new life without coke. Every night I would get into bed, sink into the lovely sheets and thank my lucky stars I wasn't high. Every day I would savour the little moments with my girls, happy that I was present mentally and physically.

But then I guess you start to lose the bad memories. The reasons why you wanted to stop become hazy, you know people are carrying on around you and you start to justify it to yourself. Even though I can't pretend to myself it wasn't an issue, or that I never had that much of a problem.

I was never a daily user. I was a recreational user of drugs for 15 years, but then the coke started to catch up with me. Once I'd had children and I wasn't able to go out much anymore, I had to start getting the drugs secretly and use at home, mostly without my husband knowing, although sometimes we did it together.

I used on average probably fortnightly, sometimes weekly. To some people that might not sound like much, but it was in secret, and it was an urge I had no control over. But when you feel like you haven't hit rock bottom, it's easier for that internal voice to justify it to you. But I know I have a problem, otherwise I would have quit for good 10 years ago when I first started to realise that it was no longer fun or recreational.

I felt like I had done some soul searching over the past 4 months- and realised that the previous notion I'd had, that I did drugs because they were fun, and that I did more than other people because hey I was just more fun than they were, was totally wrong. I realised that I had begun using drugs probably to fit in, and cover up the insecurity and low self esteem I'd felt since I was a child, and then I'd carried on as a way to carry on dealing with the challenges of life. I lost both my parents a few years ago, and I used a lot around those periods.

I think coming to terms with some basic truths about me had scared me and I started to realise that I had become, in some respects, emotionally stunted- drugs just cover up problems, and those problems will be there ten fold when you stop.

Maybe that was another reason why I relapsed. I was frightened about the work ahead.

So far I have used 4 times since I relapsed. Never in secret (that is at least something). But something has to give. I can't change my phone number again. This time the choice has to come from within and I need somehow to get the strength from within.

My husband feels the same. Even though he doesn't have a problem like I do, he is very health conscious and has a very responsible job and he is as fed up as I am that we don't seem to be able to get past this thing.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

I'm also guessing that I need to give up alcohol to give myself the best chance. What does everyone think?

Dee74

I never had a coke habit but whatever drinking or drugging I did always led to excess, attempted escape and some really crazily bad decisions.

In short:insanity.

I'm glad you're back Chasingthedream

D

Chasingthedream

Thanks Dee. It is good to be amongst friends.

It is the needing to escape that frightens me. I never drink to excess but I can recognise the difference between when I drink in order to change my mood, and when I just have a glass of wine with dinner.

Does this mean I need to give it up. It is a no brainer- I would do anything to stop taking coke. SO I guess I have just answered my own question.

PurpleKnight

Welcome back Chasingthedream!!

Alcohol for me always lead to some pretty bad decisions, it also was a gateway to other substances because when I was drinking things always sounded like a great idea in my mind, until the next morning.

Maybe being fully in the here and now with your full senses might not be a bad idea to finally kick this thing into the long grass!!

LadyBlue0527

Hi Chasingthedream,

I think that you did answer your own question. Even though you don't have a problem with alcohol it definitely provides the on/off switch needed to go places you wouldn't normally go. It's a line in the sand that you never mean to cross and not only do you not know where that sip is that sends you over that line it's crafty too because it changes every time that you drink. I used to call it the "I have responsibilities and I need to be careful/Who Cares" line. Once you step over all bets are off as to what happens next.


In this statement that you made is it possible that this:

could really be this?

It might be that you're drinking sometimes purposely to go in search of the switch that I mentioned. In any case if you're finding that the only time that you use is after you've drank there really is only one decision if you want to stop using. Alcohol will help you justify anything. Believe me, I know.

I'm glad that you came back.

IOAA2

I think you answered your own question correctly. In general we are additive people and at times using, insanity does take a lead. Ask me how I know.

BE WELL

Chasingthedream

In this statement that you made is it possible that this:



could really be this?



It might be that you're drinking sometimes purposely to go in search of the switch that I mentioned. In any case if you're finding that the only time that you use is after you've drank there really is only one decision if you want to stop using. Alcohol will help you justify anything. Believe me, I know.

I had never thought about it like that, but I can see you're right. At least some of the time I drink to escape the monotony of life, but maybe I pick up a drink in order for it to be ok that in an hour or 2 I will pick up the phone to text my dealer. Even if this is only true some of the times when I drink, if I want to be sober badly enough, it is something I will have to change.

That feels pretty scary though, and I'm annoyed it had to get to that.

IOAA2

Before I was able to sober up I and most alcoholics needed to get HONEST with ourselves about our own drinking. I was able to justify the unjustifiable if there was a smidgen in it that was justifiable. To this day I can go into automatic dishonesty, mostly about non important things like “forgetting” I had my ration of ice cream for the week. The next big gee was acceptance that I cannot drink/drug in safety.
This and other things require practice and work to enjoy life without stimulants. Not always easy but easily attainable one day at a time.

BE WELL

Chasingthedream

I know you're right IOAA2, I think that's where I went wrong before. After 4 months, whilst I in no way assumed the battle was over, I did take my eye off the ball and let my guard down.
Does this mean I can never drink again? That is a thought I struggle with. Not because I can't imagine a life without alcohol, but just because it seems so final. And it makes me feel stupid for having got myself into this mess

mfanch

Alcohol is a drug. For me, only complete abstinence from mind-altering chemicals works for this addict.

Dee74

I didn't want to give up drinking either...but I hated the life it dragged me down to and the me it made me into.

If alcohol plays any kind of a role in dragging you down that same road, maybe it's not such a great idea?

I love my sober life now. I'm confident you will too

D

Anna

I don't think any of us are happy that we get to the place where we have to stop drinking. I was so frustrated and disappointed in myself. But, it was the answer that brought peace to my life.

Hevyn

Good stuff said already. I'm so very glad to see you back Chasing.

Chasingthedream

I am taking on board everything you are all saying, thank you for taking the time to post.

I know you are all right, so I woke up this morning knowing in my heart that the drinking must go. I look forward tentatively, and not beyond the weekend. But I pledge not to drink this week.

And you're right Dee- a life without booze can be an amazing thing.

If I am going to learn life coping skills that I missed out on as a result of years of drug use, I will need to do it with as clear a mind as I can muster.

Here goes!

Soberwolf

I was a daily cocaine user ive been clean 3 years

I am 14 months sober from alcohol

i didnt find it hard giving up cocaine i found it near impossible to give up drink

the 2 play hand in hand its a deadly lethal combo

wish you all the best in giving up for alcohol for good aswell

give it a try and see what happens i know i dont wake up feeling the way i used to feel

i gave my life purpose i try my worst day sober is better than your best day high

when you realise that it will be a very easy decision to make

your life ?

Chasingthedream

Thanks Sober. Now I've made the decision to quit drinking, I feel lighter. How long were you a daily user for? I have used drugs recreationally for a long time, 20 years or so. It is going to take time to learn to live life without them. I am willing to do what it takes.

aborkie

I can't imagine trying to kick a coke habit while drinking. Seems almost impossible.

Chasingthedream

Yup, pretty dumb I guess! We addicts seem to like making things difficult for ourselves, don't we?!

I am actually looking forward to being clear headed on a permanent basis. Part of what is keeping me resolute is looking at my young daughters, knowing that they will need me to help them fight their battles, and knowing I won't be able to do that if I am still fighting my own.

Soberwolf

I was taking coke for 7 years

Soberwolf

Believe it or not i did just that