Can I Get An Addict's Point Of View?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Washington, NJ
Posts: 49
Can I Get An Addict's Point Of View?
Hi Everyone,
I wanted to reach out on this section of the forums in order to get a better perspective into the minds of addicts.
I was dating my boyfriend for nearly eight years. We separated last December because I asked him to go to rehab and he wouldn't. He eventually went two months later for a 30 days program. He came home after, but within weeks I noticed odd behavior again. He was drinking while out, would act immature and irresponsible. I also believe he was using drugs again. Anyway, I found out he was cheating on me -- he met a 19yo in NA meetings and they immediately connected and started using drugs together. My ex is 25 and I'm 28. When I found out he was cheating on me, and doing f***ed up things behind my back (like got hired to be a go go dancer), I asked him to leave for good. He moved in with the 19yo and they've been dating and using drugs together ever since. That was May 26.
I know for a fact he's using hardcore drugs again because mutual friends tell me and his family members also tell me. It's not even a question.
But what still hurts me is that after 8 years, he doesn't even seem to miss me or think about me. I've only heard from him twice since then and it was to get some of his stuff.
He abandoned me and our two pets, both of which he was obsessed with when we were together. I know they're just animals, but he loved them a lot.
How does he not care? I still can't not take any of this personally. I go to NarAnon meetings and they help, but I never get the courage to speak. I feel like he never loved me -- how could he if he hasn't wanted to reach out at all?
And does he need someone like me, despite what he's done to me, to reach out and tell him I still love him and he has me to support him if he ever seeks recovery?
I don't want to give him the impression that he can walk all over me whenever he wants and I'll always take him back. I also don't want to look desperate.
And many people tell me that his relationship with the 19yo won't last and not to worry because it's not built on anything that a real relationship needs. They say my ex is mainly using the teenager. Any thoughts on this?
I'd greatly appreciate it if someone could give me insight in what worked for them, how their mind worked while in active addiction, and whether my presence would be beneficial or harmful to him.
Thank you!
I wanted to reach out on this section of the forums in order to get a better perspective into the minds of addicts.
I was dating my boyfriend for nearly eight years. We separated last December because I asked him to go to rehab and he wouldn't. He eventually went two months later for a 30 days program. He came home after, but within weeks I noticed odd behavior again. He was drinking while out, would act immature and irresponsible. I also believe he was using drugs again. Anyway, I found out he was cheating on me -- he met a 19yo in NA meetings and they immediately connected and started using drugs together. My ex is 25 and I'm 28. When I found out he was cheating on me, and doing f***ed up things behind my back (like got hired to be a go go dancer), I asked him to leave for good. He moved in with the 19yo and they've been dating and using drugs together ever since. That was May 26.
I know for a fact he's using hardcore drugs again because mutual friends tell me and his family members also tell me. It's not even a question.
But what still hurts me is that after 8 years, he doesn't even seem to miss me or think about me. I've only heard from him twice since then and it was to get some of his stuff.
He abandoned me and our two pets, both of which he was obsessed with when we were together. I know they're just animals, but he loved them a lot.
How does he not care? I still can't not take any of this personally. I go to NarAnon meetings and they help, but I never get the courage to speak. I feel like he never loved me -- how could he if he hasn't wanted to reach out at all?
And does he need someone like me, despite what he's done to me, to reach out and tell him I still love him and he has me to support him if he ever seeks recovery?
I don't want to give him the impression that he can walk all over me whenever he wants and I'll always take him back. I also don't want to look desperate.
And many people tell me that his relationship with the 19yo won't last and not to worry because it's not built on anything that a real relationship needs. They say my ex is mainly using the teenager. Any thoughts on this?
I'd greatly appreciate it if someone could give me insight in what worked for them, how their mind worked while in active addiction, and whether my presence would be beneficial or harmful to him.
Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
Sorry to be blunt but time to move on. Addicts do have feelings and care for people but in the throws of addiction love is next to impossible. He might feel guilty every now and then but blows away those feelings with drugs and then probably blames you for much of his addiction. It is a very sick cycle and hard to understand, but it is the truth. I don't want to be rude so don't take this the wrong way, but even if he did recover how could you even want to go back to him considering all that has happened? It sounds like you deserve WAY WAY better and you just are not going to get that with him. MOVE ON - MOVE ON - DID I SAY MOVE ON? And this is coming from a STONE COLD DOPE ADDICT!!! You only live once (at least that is what I believe) and you have already wasted way too much time on this guy. Do yourself a favor and find a new man who can love you and treat you like you deserve to be treated!!!
Guest
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Iowa
Posts: 675
Hard core repeat offender dope addict here as well. I have to agree with Marcus that it is probably time to move on. A drug addict will generally NOT respond to ultimatums in the desired or anticipated manner. An addict will do ANYTHING to protect his habit. An addict will give up ANYTHING to maintain control of his addiction. If you try to come in between the two you will be avoided, abandoned, pushed aside.
You can feel confident that he has no significant feelings for the 19 yo as the same thing applies there as well. He is most likely using him as a drug buddy or source or whatever.
The following is not to set up any false hopes but I will say it anyway. I think an addict can continue to care while in the deeper throes of a habit but it sure won't look like it. I very much love my wife and always have but that didn't stop me from being an ass and doing things that would have destroyed her.
An addict will go through periods of remorse and will remember that life was better before. He may regret his decisions and momentarily decide to turn around his life. That, however, is very short lived and subject to being forgotten when the inevitable need to get high returns.
The pull of the addiction is very strong indeed and the ability to rationalize any kind of behavior to avoid ending it is equally as strong.
The fear that shakes an addict to his bones is the fear of having to give up the addiction, the fear of withdrawal, the fear of facing life without getting high.
There are a few on here who have made it back but the statistics for success are VERY poor.
I can attest to all of what I have said. Been there. Done that. Doing it again.
You can feel confident that he has no significant feelings for the 19 yo as the same thing applies there as well. He is most likely using him as a drug buddy or source or whatever.
The following is not to set up any false hopes but I will say it anyway. I think an addict can continue to care while in the deeper throes of a habit but it sure won't look like it. I very much love my wife and always have but that didn't stop me from being an ass and doing things that would have destroyed her.
An addict will go through periods of remorse and will remember that life was better before. He may regret his decisions and momentarily decide to turn around his life. That, however, is very short lived and subject to being forgotten when the inevitable need to get high returns.
The pull of the addiction is very strong indeed and the ability to rationalize any kind of behavior to avoid ending it is equally as strong.
The fear that shakes an addict to his bones is the fear of having to give up the addiction, the fear of withdrawal, the fear of facing life without getting high.
There are a few on here who have made it back but the statistics for success are VERY poor.
I can attest to all of what I have said. Been there. Done that. Doing it again.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Best to let the little lost bird
Fly away
Maybe down the road things will change
But for now this is the way it is
No contact at all seems work best
If he is still in love with you
He will wonder what's going on
Fly away
Maybe down the road things will change
But for now this is the way it is
No contact at all seems work best
If he is still in love with you
He will wonder what's going on
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: HK
Posts: 331
It's simple really... drugs change the chemical compounds in your brain and affect your mood/personality, particularly with long term abuse.
Addiction can make you very apathetic towards loved ones as the drugs alter the reward centre in the brain. After that, all else just seems like a chore and the only enjoyable activity is taking drugs.
Addiction can make you very apathetic towards loved ones as the drugs alter the reward centre in the brain. After that, all else just seems like a chore and the only enjoyable activity is taking drugs.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 625
I am an addict in recovery and clean for twenty-two years. I am also a member of Nar-Anon. It can be as difficult to explain addict behavior to a non-addict as it is to describe the color purple to a blind person. I'm not going to try. But I did want to address this:
Here I something that jumped out at me. With nothing but your happiness in mind, I'm asking you to take another look at this.
How much better to have boundaries than for someone to think you have boundaries? How much better to not be desperate rather than not look desperate?
Originally Posted by James86 
I don't want to give him the impression that he can walk all over me whenever he wants and I'll always take him back. I also don't want to look desperate.
How much better to have boundaries than for someone to think you have boundaries? How much better to not be desperate rather than not look desperate?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
and whether my presence would be beneficial or harmful to him.
said gently, but i believe he's made it pretty clear that he does not want your presence in his life. he's moved on. the hows and whys don't change the facts.
he lied, he relapsed, he cheated. for many any one of those could be considered a dealbreaker. the combination of the three should NOT be overlooked or minimized. this is where we take a good hard look at OUR boundaries, our self respect and decide exactly how we will allow ourselves to be treated by others. not how they TREAT us, but what WE deem acceptable or unacceptable.
said gently, but i believe he's made it pretty clear that he does not want your presence in his life. he's moved on. the hows and whys don't change the facts.
he lied, he relapsed, he cheated. for many any one of those could be considered a dealbreaker. the combination of the three should NOT be overlooked or minimized. this is where we take a good hard look at OUR boundaries, our self respect and decide exactly how we will allow ourselves to be treated by others. not how they TREAT us, but what WE deem acceptable or unacceptable.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
