seekingthelight

I have been reading the Friends and Family threads and am overwhelmed with the love and support shown from one to another. I need some of that for me! I have a 27 year old daughter who is a drug addict. (Sorry, I don't know all the acronyms yet.) A sadly typical story, she suffered sexual abuse at age 8 and when she finally got the courage to tell me - at age 18 - I froze and did nothing. Tried to pretend it never happened. Her use began a couple of years later, more abuse and poor treatment from boyfriends - her self esteem just never developed. She dug her hole deeper over the years but has always asked for and wanted help, and readily goes into treatment. She has been in residential treatment at least 5 times, always says she learns so much and this time she "is DONE!" but always, always, always (so far) relapses. She has two young children whose father (her x) has custody of (even though he uses and has no job - long story - he is just a master manipulator and she is the weakest of the weak) so her lack of control (this is just imho), shame, guilt and self loathing never relent long enough for recovery to gain any traction. Her only response to stress is to use again.

As she is my only daughter and mother of my two precious grandchildren, I love her dearly and have supported every effort at treatment she has made. What a road we have been down. When her x moved to CA with the babies she followed and her use escalated to the point of overdose and was only saved by an EMS reversal shot of whatever that medicine is. She called me from the hospital and I told her I loved her and hope and pray she makes it but that I cannot help her or make her well, only she can do that. I gave her the number for the Salvation Army, hung up the phone, and threw up. I have had her arrested, have sat in the hospital with her after overdoses, gone down a black hole of pain that only those of you who have felt can understand.

Now, after 6 years of use, recovery and relapse she is in treatment once again. She sounds happy, hopeful and grateful for yet another chance after only being there two weeks. Her plan is to fight in court for custody of her children (which she interprets as freedom from her abusive x) and move back to NC and live with me.

My question is this - what should I do or not do this time so that I am not inadvertently enabling a relapse? I have told her my bottom line - if you use you are OUT. I've done it before so I think she believes me and I DO mean it. If she and the children live with me I can make rules - you must get a job, you must go to meetings, you cannot associate with old/bad friends, etc. But is this my job? Do I lay down rules for a 27 yo adult? Or do I treat her as the troubled teen she was stuck at when her use began (age 19 or 20) and lay out a path that she must follow in order to live with me? I fully "get it" that only she can want sobriety enough to attain it. So it seems to me that I should lay down my "bottom line", love her, encourage her and allow her to negotiate the rest. Am I right?

Thank you in advance for listening. That in itself helps lessen the load. And my heart goes out to all of you. What hurt can be greater than watching the person you love self destruct while you look on realizing how totally helpless you are to change anything.

Sikofit

I'm going to let others give the advice--it's out of my league, but I just wanted to say welcome and I'm sorry for what you and your daughter have gone through.

airwick

I hope someone will be able to help you with your problem All I can do is listen and send prayers your way.

TimeHeals831

This I think is the hardest part to grasp. Although I don't have any kids (my girlfriend is an addict) but I've been through the overdoses and rehabs ect, but it's been said that the age the addict starts using is like the age the act when trying to get clean (don't know the word of it off hand) so you may have to treat her as a teenager for now. It's your house your rules and I'm very proud of you for sticking to your bottom lines. But I believe if you feel this is the right thing to do, absolutely do it. I know you've said that when she told you about her sexual abuse you had froze and didn't know what to do... Have you guys talked about it since? I think it may be very good to try and understand and let her know that you are very sorry that that had happened to her, she needs support in that area. My girlfriend has had sexual abuse and I don't think she's necessarily addressed it completely and I believe that's a big part of why she still continues to relapse. Maybe consider some family therapy? I wish the very best for you and your daughter and your grandchildren! I hope I helped you out atleast a little bit

Chino

1) Work the recovery program you wish she would.

2) Don't give her any money.

There will be quite a bit of time to see how things unfold with her, since she's only been in recovery for two weeks. Time will give you the answers you need.

zoso77

Welcome to the Board.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to take care of yourself and allow your daughter to manage her own recovery. And taking care of yourself means a lot of things. What I encourage you to do is to find posts from the mothers of addicted children and learn from them what they've had to do to be well and sane. It's a hard road they've traveled on, and sometimes there isn't a happy ending. But there are lessons to be learned. Keep an open mind.

Glad you found us. And again, Welcome to the Board.

Ann

Welcome, I am another mama, my adult son has been in and out of the active addiction/recovery revolving door most of his life. For years and years I tried to save him and in the end had to save myself or die trying.

The most important things I learned about him were...

He has to find his own way, he knows where "real" recovery is...meetings, free rehab (the Salvation Army has a very good free program), and letting him move home only caused my home to turn into a war zone. Kicking them out when they use is not as easy as it sounds.

If he needs money, he can earn it. To give him money is to buy him drugs and enable him to not seek employment or even odd jobs.

Addicts lie, even in early recovery because honesty is not yet a concept they can grasp. The more horrifying the story, the more likely it's a lie.

He can and will find a better path...when he is ready and not a moment before.

The most important things I learned about myself are...

I am powerless over anyone else and their addictions. Nothing I do or don't do, say or don't say will make any difference. It is not up to me to control the life of anyone except myself.

I learned that live meetings and SR help me wrap myself in support and bring myself into balance when I am having a bad day. I learned that I cannot live in my son's addiction and MY recovery at the same time, so I let go of trying to control that which is not mine to control and try to save myself.

I learned to pray and trust that God can do for my son and me what we cannot do for ourselves. Each morning I say a prayer turning over my son's addiction to God and then live my day well, as life should be lived, trusting that God has us both covered.

Your daughter sounds like she is on a good path with her recovery. Maybe trust that and see where it leads. If you do let her come live with you it is a good idea to set very strong boundaries and be prepared to enforce them. It may be a good idea for you to go to some meetings for yourself because you may have some rough times ahead and need live support to stay strong.

Your daughter and you are in my prayers, and her children too. I really hope this unfolds well for all of you.

Hugs from this mama's heart to yours.

hopeful4

Hello and a warm welcome to you. My heart just breaks for all you have been through. One thing I will mention because I have heard it time and time again, what will be the plan for the children? There are many grandparents who are being held "hostage" in lack of a better term in their own home b/c if they kick out their own child, their own child uses those grandkids to pawn either that they go with them or they use them to stay in the home even though they are actively using.

I don't know the solution. It sounds like someone needs to be the advocate for the children. I would have a very concrete and legal plan in place for those kids.

I am so so sorry for what brings you here, but very glad you are here!