What do I do
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What do I do
Hello everyone I am a new member I have been with my A for 8 years we have two children together. I guess I need a little advice. What do I do when I know that he has been drinking Gin and he wont admit it, I dont even know why I want him to admit it I guess I just want him to be truthful once in his life. How am I suppose to react my first instinct is to get angry and yell at him but that does not seem to be getting us anywhere. It only puts him on the track of blaming me for the reason he drinks I complane to much that is why he drinks I push him to drink which in turn makes me angrier and we have a huge blow out. I just want to know how do I learn to just let it go instead of as soon as he comes in the door start accusing him and start a big argument how do I tell myself it is ok I know he is drunk. I dont need him to tell me that he is drunk. how am I suppose to react?
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
My only thought on is subject is that a big part of his disease is denial...denial that he has a problem. And in order to support that denial he needs to find something or someone outside himself to blame. You have a choice to feed that deinal or not.
In a way you answered your own question. If you confront him he just blames you and tells you that he drinks because you nag him so much.
You can choose not to participate in that and let him find someone or something else to blame...and he will.
Just my opinion,
Tired
In a way you answered your own question. If you confront him he just blames you and tells you that he drinks because you nag him so much.
You can choose not to participate in that and let him find someone or something else to blame...and he will.
Just my opinion,
Tired
Member
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Butler Pa
Posts: 77
Hello:
Welcome!
You are at the right place to explore your own behavior in this family disease of addiction. You will receive support and comfort here. .and honest feed-back about what you are doing to continue this disease of addiction and what you can change about yourself to make your life better.
Alanon teaches us to go about our business when the addict is going about theirs(drinking/using). It is suggested that we do not engage in any arguments when an addict is using and/or attempting to draw us into an argument. We are to remain calm and busy ourselves doing something we like to do. Difficult . .yes. .but not impossible.
Simply as someone else on this board put it. .we have to get out of the crossfire. .stop our own old behaviors which just fuel the addiction.
How to do that? It is a learning process. .we learn from all the valuable insights here on the Recovery Board and attend live Alanon meetings as soon as possible and read Alanon literature.
I would suggest an excellent little pamphlet you can obtain at an Alanon meeting called "A Guide to the Family of an Alcoholic." as I quote:
"The Alcoholic's Weapons" The first weapon is the ability to arouse anger or provoke loss of temper.
The second weapon of the alcoholic is the ability to arouse anxiety on the part of the family.
Anxiety compels them to do for the alcoholic that which can be done only by the alcoholic if the illness is to be arrested and recovery initiated.
Alcoholics are propelled along the progress of the disease when the family is unable to cope with the anxiety aroused by the alcoholic.
The alcoholic can never learn to solve problems in a responsible way if the anxiety of the family compels the removal of the problem before an alcoholic can be brought to face it or suffer the consequences.
Motivating the alcoholic to have a desire to stop drinking and to accept help in this effort is far more effective than trying to take the bottle away.
The only way this motivation can be accomplished is by allowing the drinking with all its consequences to become so painful in itself that the alcoholic will seek escape from the intolerable pain caused by drinking." end of quotes.
So again welcome. Learn all you can about the disease and focus on your recovery. God Bless Maureen
Welcome!
You are at the right place to explore your own behavior in this family disease of addiction. You will receive support and comfort here. .and honest feed-back about what you are doing to continue this disease of addiction and what you can change about yourself to make your life better.
Alanon teaches us to go about our business when the addict is going about theirs(drinking/using). It is suggested that we do not engage in any arguments when an addict is using and/or attempting to draw us into an argument. We are to remain calm and busy ourselves doing something we like to do. Difficult . .yes. .but not impossible.
Simply as someone else on this board put it. .we have to get out of the crossfire. .stop our own old behaviors which just fuel the addiction.
How to do that? It is a learning process. .we learn from all the valuable insights here on the Recovery Board and attend live Alanon meetings as soon as possible and read Alanon literature.
I would suggest an excellent little pamphlet you can obtain at an Alanon meeting called "A Guide to the Family of an Alcoholic." as I quote:
"The Alcoholic's Weapons" The first weapon is the ability to arouse anger or provoke loss of temper.
The second weapon of the alcoholic is the ability to arouse anxiety on the part of the family.
Anxiety compels them to do for the alcoholic that which can be done only by the alcoholic if the illness is to be arrested and recovery initiated.
Alcoholics are propelled along the progress of the disease when the family is unable to cope with the anxiety aroused by the alcoholic.
The alcoholic can never learn to solve problems in a responsible way if the anxiety of the family compels the removal of the problem before an alcoholic can be brought to face it or suffer the consequences.
Motivating the alcoholic to have a desire to stop drinking and to accept help in this effort is far more effective than trying to take the bottle away.
The only way this motivation can be accomplished is by allowing the drinking with all its consequences to become so painful in itself that the alcoholic will seek escape from the intolerable pain caused by drinking." end of quotes.
So again welcome. Learn all you can about the disease and focus on your recovery. God Bless Maureen
Paused
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: M.D.R. Ca.
Posts: 29
Destinee from Indianapolis. You are obviously surfing the web so go to Amazon and buy "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I recommend this a hundred times a month! It's a great book for recognizing the crap that you put yourself through. You will laugh out loud when you reach the end of it because you will recognize how unnecessary all of these angers and recriminations and arguing and ultimatums and manipulations were. You will be ok. You would benefit by continuing to post and read on these boards and by surfing the web. Lots of friends out there. Love, Chivapiano.
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