Rose56

Hello. I am trying to walk a very thin line with being detached from my husband and his job search. He has been out of work for six months and not trying too hard to find a job etc. Last week his unemployment ran out and he has been applying for jobs (although not as diligently as I would like). He is not getting many calls and no offers. So he decided to ask his brother to get him a job in NY. It will be very low paying $8-$10 per hour. During this whole process I have tried to let go and I have stopped looking in the online paper everyday and letting him do this on his own. I know that he has to do this on his own or it will not be good for us. I am letting him work this out with his higher power. I have been a bit anxious about doing this but OK. He just called and said that his unemployment has been extended for another 13 weeks. He also said that they will give him the job in NY and wants to know what I think. I told him from the beginning that I didn't think the job in NY was the way to go. But then I was thinking, maybe it would be good for us to be apart fro awhile. He will only bring home less than $100 more from this job than from unemployment. And if he is here maybe he can find something permanent here. But he hates applying for jobs and is really anxious about it. I wonder if I will feel angry that he has a reprieve and can now sit home for another 13 weeks. I guess I don't really have to wonder, I will feel angry.

Thanks for listening, I think I will encourage him to make his own decision. I will tell him that I will support what he wants to do either way, that both options have pros and cons. I want to tell him that he still needs to get his life together and that we are very much on the rocks. But I think he knows that so what's the point?

So what do I need to do for me? I'm not sure. I am feeling pressure since the phone call - pressure I don't want - hey its not my decision. This is so hard because I am the one that usually makes all the important and unimportant decisions. Now I will let him make this one. I give this one to God, I am sure she/he knows best. Any thoughts?

smoke gets in my eyes

You rang my bell, Rose.

Employment was exactly the subject that started me on a wild tear on the Naranon page yesterday. There I was, thinking he SHOULD (oh, that evil word) do SOMETHING. He, thinking he should not do anything, until it is the right thing, which I surmise includes a private limousine, weekly pedicure and a 4 hour work week.

I'm happy for you that your husband wants to DO something. You are wise to back off and let him decide. A job is not a lifetime commitment. If the situation turns out not to be optimal, he can change it later, whatever he decides.

Hugs,
Smoke

CherylG

Hey Smoke, if Dino ever finds the job with those benefits and Monday and Fridays off see if he can get my ex-A on please. Of course he wants $20.00 an hour at least.

chivapiano

God this is weird. Don't any of these guys work? Mine "works" in film and won't lower himself to earn money in any other capacity in case anyone sees him and he'll be embarrassed when he's rich and famous. Reminds me of the line from national Lampoon Vacation where Randy Quaids character who is a redneck loser hasn't worked in decades because his wife says "He's holding out for somethng in management".

smoke gets in my eyes

Oh, my gosh...
there it is in print. After three years of not working in his field, Dino was still saying he couldn't get a "sh*t job" because one of his clients might see him. Almost to seven years now and he has had one job and blown countless before they even began. What's up with that?

Smoke

Rose56

'Morning gang! I am feeling quite anxious this morning. Hubby is going to NY this Friday for that job. Maybe I should feel happy but I feel anxious. I am thinking that I will be responsible for all the house, kids, pets, stuff and he will only have to go to work and come home. I know I can do this as I did for two weeks a month ago. But it is a lot of extra work. I know I can get my kids to help out but that will be a struggle too as they are teenagers now. Maybe I feel anxious because he wont be here for me to pound on. Who will I blame everything on if he is not here? Who can I give s**t to? Is this really me, the person that needs to put someone else down? Oh boy, yuch.
I am trying not to share my anxiety with him, and let him make his choice and support that. But I feel anxious. What can I do to calm myself down? Help.....

bonbon

Rose,
I just have a couple suggestions for you, my A currently is not working either, he is looking for work but, not in the capicity he should be at all. Try different things to lift the anxiety, I think your making the right choice by letting him make this job move right now, you never know. Do not feel badly about the feelings of not having anyone around to blame things on, I know that feeling, trust me, there wont be anyone TO blame things on because he wont be there.

I just want to let you know I understand where your coming from. It is hard, and you have to take it one day at a time, prioritize the things that need to be done today, then it all wont look so overwhelming. I try that, and found that it works.
In the mean time, take care of You!
Love,
bonbon

CherylG

(((Rose)))
Boy I think I wrote your post 6 months ago. You feel so overwhelmed by it all. If you go back and read some of my posts throughout the winter you will see you do have the strength to get through it. The kids will come through for you and will be thrilled with seeing their Mom so alive. I did not think I could make it and with the help and support from the people here and the people in my group and last but not least.....MY HP who is always ready to face any challenge with me, I am doing okay. You will have to pardon my powerful attitude today but it is a very good day for me today. I just got back from a second part time job interview that is going to bring a little extra money into the house and still not take me away from the kids at night. Everything is becoming so great since I let go and let God. I don't care if he works, I don't have to support him anymore. The way I deal with the kids and vise versa is starting to change for the better also. I am learning to communicate with them in a healthy manner as they are starting to do the same. I really can see us all getting better. Of course we wish the big-A would join us but that is his choice. The 4 people in this A's life ARE getting better. Keep coming back it works it works!

ladyammons

Why do men have to have such a problem with not working? Mine is a PC Technician and the market dried up. He has been doing odd jobs but he's so used to making tons of money and when he was had no one to spend it on and now that he has me, he has no money. Heck ... I don't care. Maybe I would if I was dependent on his income but I'm not and that is even worse cuz he hates the fact that I'm doing it all. I have stopped telling him the market will pick up (it has but is still slow) and saying everything will be ok (it will ... my HP takes care of that) but him not working at what he loves doesn't help with the disease. Arrrggghhh!!
Maryalice

chivapiano

We have an interesting line of post going here. This business of not working must be a dick thing - like not asking for directions. Ever hear of a woman too proud to work in a supermarket to support her kids? I rest my case. Rose. God bless you. You will be so busy yet so released if he gets this job. Please - welcome the opportunity to be alone. To read. To talk . To walk. To meditate. To go to classes or meetings that will benefit you. It's a golden opportunity. I hope he gets a job away from you because it will be a great opportunity for you. (even if you don't recognize it as such). Love, Chivapiano

smoke gets in my eyes

Actually, for the record, I have known a couple of women who wouldn't support their kids. They were addicts.