Living abroad and still trapped!!
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Sydney, Australia; USA
Posts: 5
Living abroad and still trapped!!
Hello, new-comer, first time posting.
My story is probably similar to so many. I really hope to get some solid advice.
I am an adult female, 45, with a younger brother, 35, who has been an addict since he was 15. His drug of choice is meth, but he smokes pot daily, has been known to huff, do ecstasy, and abuse prescription pharmaceuticals when he can get them. His longest "job" at a call center lasted about 18 months before he went off the rails and was fired. He has lived outside of my (single--65 y.o.) mother's home only twice in his life, both times for about the same period (18 months), while she supported him: paid his rent, utilities, bought his groceries, paid his internet and phone, etc. I've never met a person so utterly enmeshed in anther persons life. She demands to know where he is every moment he isn't home, and vacillates between treating him like a king and a slave. She is also the person who often supplies him w/prescription drugs: opiates and benzos. For most of my adult life I stayed on the periphery of the family when the drama erupted, but otherwise was the one who coordinated all the normal stuff: holidays, family outings, etc., out of feeling obligated to bring some sort of semblance of normality to the family. Mom and bro would invariably get into a fight and ruined the best of plans.
About me:moved out @ (15), did my GED, and entered college, graduated at 22, and have worked full time since then, reaching the pinnacle of my profession by 40, retired early, moved abroad. No addictions of any sort, no violent or dramatic lifestyle. My personality is very zen, and I'm a humanitarian by nature. Generally very open minded and non judgement, but my mom and brother have told me in anger that I am arrogant, and think I am better than them. They also think I'm "conservative" because I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs -- but I'm a die hard liberal. How can they view me so wrong?
Three years ago I moved to Australia, where I have a wonderful husband and teenage step-daughter. We are a very functional, healthy family. I have not allowed my daughter to have any contact with my mom or brother, I just don't want her to know them (sorry to say). My husband "was" friends with them on social media until the last time my mother erupted in an email, telling me how awful and judgemental I was for suggesting she let my brother hit rock bottom (I've been hearing her same complaints for almost two decades now --it's old, and tiresome). He has been arrested multiple times, stolen from all his friends (and family), has assaulted my mom, and broken her property, and been fired from every job he has held, and kicked out from every place he has ever lived. He was recently released from a years stint in jail (forgery -- stole neighbors checks; receiving stolen property, etc). Prior to his sentencing, mom was all about "a fresh, new start" with him going to jail. Fast forward to his release (out now for about a month), and every email and social media post is about how great he is, how loved she feels, how proud she is of him (for doing things like doing her shopping for her!). She was recently hospitalized for a week for various semi-serious ailments, and is posting emoticons of hearts floating alongside her nauseating posts about her adult son. If anyone did not know her, they'd think she was talking about her lover or husband, and they'd never know she had a daughter. I'm sickened by this, because I know in approximately 9 months, he'll be using meth again and ready to be arrested, rehabbed (for the 7 or so time), or hospitalized. I'm 15k miles away, and want to just close the book on them once and for all. Is this realistic, is it fair (to them, to me?). I'm just SO TIRED of not having any sort of a normal relationship with mom --- EVERYTHING is about brother. And when it isn't about him, it's her overreaching her boundaries with ME: posting weird blurbs about needing to take care of me ... like I'm a child? It SO WEIRD because she completely hated me while I was growing up -- angry, abusive, shaming, demeaning. Her love for my brother is the total extreme opposite, it's sooooo bizarre!
I'm not jealous, so much as I'm just stuffed full of needing to know. Our conversations are extremely superficial because I watch everything I say, knowing that if there's any angle she can fit in talking about my brother--she will--despite me calling her international long distance from Aus! Even when she was hospitalized any and all talk eventually turned to my brother.
This can't be normal, can it? How can I go about disengaging? It seems cruel, but isn't it cruel to me to keep up this charade? Part of me feels obligated to remain in touch because she WILL eventually get sick again, and she has literally ZERO friends or family that she sees or visits with. My brother is her ONLY social connection. I worry that once he relapses (which he will, he is not in any sort of recovery program), he will abuse her or worse, especially if she becomes ill again herself. How can I shut my brain off about this?
I feel like I'm living two lives: this utterly AMAZING life in paradise, and this bizarre soap opera over the internet (facebook/email) with my mother and brother.
Help!
My story is probably similar to so many. I really hope to get some solid advice.
I am an adult female, 45, with a younger brother, 35, who has been an addict since he was 15. His drug of choice is meth, but he smokes pot daily, has been known to huff, do ecstasy, and abuse prescription pharmaceuticals when he can get them. His longest "job" at a call center lasted about 18 months before he went off the rails and was fired. He has lived outside of my (single--65 y.o.) mother's home only twice in his life, both times for about the same period (18 months), while she supported him: paid his rent, utilities, bought his groceries, paid his internet and phone, etc. I've never met a person so utterly enmeshed in anther persons life. She demands to know where he is every moment he isn't home, and vacillates between treating him like a king and a slave. She is also the person who often supplies him w/prescription drugs: opiates and benzos. For most of my adult life I stayed on the periphery of the family when the drama erupted, but otherwise was the one who coordinated all the normal stuff: holidays, family outings, etc., out of feeling obligated to bring some sort of semblance of normality to the family. Mom and bro would invariably get into a fight and ruined the best of plans.
About me:moved out @ (15), did my GED, and entered college, graduated at 22, and have worked full time since then, reaching the pinnacle of my profession by 40, retired early, moved abroad. No addictions of any sort, no violent or dramatic lifestyle. My personality is very zen, and I'm a humanitarian by nature. Generally very open minded and non judgement, but my mom and brother have told me in anger that I am arrogant, and think I am better than them. They also think I'm "conservative" because I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs -- but I'm a die hard liberal. How can they view me so wrong?
Three years ago I moved to Australia, where I have a wonderful husband and teenage step-daughter. We are a very functional, healthy family. I have not allowed my daughter to have any contact with my mom or brother, I just don't want her to know them (sorry to say). My husband "was" friends with them on social media until the last time my mother erupted in an email, telling me how awful and judgemental I was for suggesting she let my brother hit rock bottom (I've been hearing her same complaints for almost two decades now --it's old, and tiresome). He has been arrested multiple times, stolen from all his friends (and family), has assaulted my mom, and broken her property, and been fired from every job he has held, and kicked out from every place he has ever lived. He was recently released from a years stint in jail (forgery -- stole neighbors checks; receiving stolen property, etc). Prior to his sentencing, mom was all about "a fresh, new start" with him going to jail. Fast forward to his release (out now for about a month), and every email and social media post is about how great he is, how loved she feels, how proud she is of him (for doing things like doing her shopping for her!). She was recently hospitalized for a week for various semi-serious ailments, and is posting emoticons of hearts floating alongside her nauseating posts about her adult son. If anyone did not know her, they'd think she was talking about her lover or husband, and they'd never know she had a daughter. I'm sickened by this, because I know in approximately 9 months, he'll be using meth again and ready to be arrested, rehabbed (for the 7 or so time), or hospitalized. I'm 15k miles away, and want to just close the book on them once and for all. Is this realistic, is it fair (to them, to me?). I'm just SO TIRED of not having any sort of a normal relationship with mom --- EVERYTHING is about brother. And when it isn't about him, it's her overreaching her boundaries with ME: posting weird blurbs about needing to take care of me ... like I'm a child? It SO WEIRD because she completely hated me while I was growing up -- angry, abusive, shaming, demeaning. Her love for my brother is the total extreme opposite, it's sooooo bizarre!
I'm not jealous, so much as I'm just stuffed full of needing to know. Our conversations are extremely superficial because I watch everything I say, knowing that if there's any angle she can fit in talking about my brother--she will--despite me calling her international long distance from Aus! Even when she was hospitalized any and all talk eventually turned to my brother.
This can't be normal, can it? How can I go about disengaging? It seems cruel, but isn't it cruel to me to keep up this charade? Part of me feels obligated to remain in touch because she WILL eventually get sick again, and she has literally ZERO friends or family that she sees or visits with. My brother is her ONLY social connection. I worry that once he relapses (which he will, he is not in any sort of recovery program), he will abuse her or worse, especially if she becomes ill again herself. How can I shut my brain off about this?
I feel like I'm living two lives: this utterly AMAZING life in paradise, and this bizarre soap opera over the internet (facebook/email) with my mother and brother.
Help!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
You detach by detaching. By not emailing her anymore, by not wanting anything from her anymore.
Sounds like you're already halfway there, but where you're getting stuck is in wanting her to approve of you and resenting the fact that she doesn't.
But look at how her approval works. It's a sick thing. There's no logic to it. In fact, from an outsider's point of view, I would say that you would probably need to start worrying what you're doing wrong if she DID start approve of you.
Your mother is every bit as sick as your brother, and their sicknesses feed off of each other. Addiction is illogical, and so is codependency. Stop expecting something from your mother. She isn't going to give you anything. Detach from the sickness and you will find peace.
Sounds like you're already halfway there, but where you're getting stuck is in wanting her to approve of you and resenting the fact that she doesn't.
But look at how her approval works. It's a sick thing. There's no logic to it. In fact, from an outsider's point of view, I would say that you would probably need to start worrying what you're doing wrong if she DID start approve of you.
Your mother is every bit as sick as your brother, and their sicknesses feed off of each other. Addiction is illogical, and so is codependency. Stop expecting something from your mother. She isn't going to give you anything. Detach from the sickness and you will find peace.
Pressure makes diamonds
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 521
Do you think her deep seeded resentment towards you was having you so young? I noticed there is a 10 year age gap and your mom was 19 or 20 when you were born. Maybe it's your father she is resentful twords and she has projected that anger on you all these years.
You are inspiring and a strong woman getting through your life and ending up sunny side up. I give you a lot of credit
I too have been treated unfairly by my family- am the middle child between 2 brothers. The older brother an addict and the younger brother very successful. Personally, I fought the way I was treated for decades. About a year ago when I started this journey I decided that I had to let it go. My family is stuck I their dysfunction and as hard as I have tried to "fix" it, it will always be broken. I had to let it go, communicate less and stop having the internal dialogue and turmoil. Everything is beginning to fall in place. We can't chose our family.
You are inspiring and a strong woman getting through your life and ending up sunny side up. I give you a lot of credit
I too have been treated unfairly by my family- am the middle child between 2 brothers. The older brother an addict and the younger brother very successful. Personally, I fought the way I was treated for decades. About a year ago when I started this journey I decided that I had to let it go. My family is stuck I their dysfunction and as hard as I have tried to "fix" it, it will always be broken. I had to let it go, communicate less and stop having the internal dialogue and turmoil. Everything is beginning to fall in place. We can't chose our family.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Welcome to the Board. You've come to a good, safe place, and I'm glad you've shared what's been going on with your life.
NeedABreak said:
That pretty much sums up the dynamic between your mother and your brother AND your mother's frame of mind. It is what it is. Unless they want to change, they won't, and there is no evidence that they want to change. You said:
You're not your mother's keeper. And if you stay coupled to your brother and your mother, it will have adverse effects on you and your family. You disengage by disengaging. Doesn't mean you don't care about your mother, or your brother. What it does mean is you cannot risk being engaged in their lunacy.
Read as many sticky notes as you can and you will see that we speak from experience. Take care of you. And again, Welcome to the Board.
NeedABreak said:
Your mother is every bit as sick as your brother, and their sicknesses feed off of each other. Addiction is illogical, and so is codependency. Stop expecting something from your mother. She isn't going to give you anything. Detach from the sickness and you will find peace.
How can I go about disengaging? It seems cruel, but isn't it cruel to me to keep up this charade? Part of me feels obligated to remain in touch because she WILL eventually get sick again, and she has literally ZERO friends or family that she sees or visits with.
Read as many sticky notes as you can and you will see that we speak from experience. Take care of you. And again, Welcome to the Board.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Sydney, Australia; USA
Posts: 5
"In fact, from an outsider's point of view, I would say that you would probably need to start worrying what you're doing wrong if she DID start approve of you."
Wow. That REALLY resonated with me. I had never thought of it like that... that is such a profound angle of thought...
Thank you ALL for your responses. I think on some level I knew what they would be, I CAN see how sick things are, and am forever grateful at being so far away from it -- but, seem "stuck" on feeling obligated to stay in touch to help her when things fall to pieces (like they always do). Clearly I need to put that to rest, once and for all.
I am absolutely ready to let go. In fact, would be/will be relieved, once the deed is done. But, I do have a (probably) rudimentary question: how do I disengage? Do I write a letter of explanation, do I un-friend her on facebook and block her email address/incoming phone calls? She is an extreme obsessive (you all probably guessed), and I know at first she'll be angry, then she'll perseverate, and at some point might try to contact me by reaching out to mutual family and friends (if I just drop off w/o a word) -- she'll often email me and forward the same message once or twice if she hasn't heard from me, or "seen" me on facebook. She "worries" -- so she says ...
I know you all can't dictate exactly what I do, but your initial input was SO damn solid!
Drop away without a word, write a letter, or ...?
Wow. That REALLY resonated with me. I had never thought of it like that... that is such a profound angle of thought...
Thank you ALL for your responses. I think on some level I knew what they would be, I CAN see how sick things are, and am forever grateful at being so far away from it -- but, seem "stuck" on feeling obligated to stay in touch to help her when things fall to pieces (like they always do). Clearly I need to put that to rest, once and for all.
I am absolutely ready to let go. In fact, would be/will be relieved, once the deed is done. But, I do have a (probably) rudimentary question: how do I disengage? Do I write a letter of explanation, do I un-friend her on facebook and block her email address/incoming phone calls? She is an extreme obsessive (you all probably guessed), and I know at first she'll be angry, then she'll perseverate, and at some point might try to contact me by reaching out to mutual family and friends (if I just drop off w/o a word) -- she'll often email me and forward the same message once or twice if she hasn't heard from me, or "seen" me on facebook. She "worries" -- so she says ...
I know you all can't dictate exactly what I do, but your initial input was SO damn solid!
Drop away without a word, write a letter, or ...?
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Drop away without a word, write a letter, or ...?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Sydney, Australia; USA
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by Hope2014 
Do you think her deep seeded resentment towards you was having you so young? I noticed there is a 10 year age gap and your mom was 19 or 20 when you were born. Maybe it's your father she is resentful twords and she has projected that anger on you all these years.
You are inspiring and a strong woman getting through your life and ending up sunny side up. I give you a lot of credit I too have been treated unfairly by my family- am the middle child between 2 brothers. The older brother an addict and the younger brother very successful. Personally, I fought the way I was treated for decades. About a year ago when I started this journey I decided that I had to let it go. My family is stuck I their dysfunction and as hard as I have tried to "fix" it, it will always be broken. I had to let it go, communicate less and stop having the internal dialogue and turmoil. Everything is beginning to fall in place. We can't chose our family.
You are inspiring and a strong woman getting through your life and ending up sunny side up. I give you a lot of credit
I too have been treated unfairly by my family- am the middle child between 2 brothers. The older brother an addict and the younger brother very successful. Personally, I fought the way I was treated for decades. About a year ago when I started this journey I decided that I had to let it go. My family is stuck I their dysfunction and as hard as I have tried to "fix" it, it will always be broken. I had to let it go, communicate less and stop having the internal dialogue and turmoil. Everything is beginning to fall in place. We can't chose our family.And thank you very much, Hope, for your kind words. I did know by my early 20's that something was up with me, I felt like a fraud, even though academically and professionally everyone said I was a star. I did 5 or 6 years of weekly counselling with a wonderful therapist to get my self esteem on track. For many years I was successful at not letting my family traingulate me. But, it seems since my mom has aged more and become ill, and as my brother's addiction and criminal behaviour has escalated, that I've let myself get sucked back into the drama .... out of guilt, feelings of obligation, and worry.
I guess my next step at this stage is to consider what advice everyone has on how to let go, and to do it. I'd love to be able to just make a clean break. Anyone think that's possible?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Sydney, Australia; USA
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by zoso77
Your call. I tend to believe if you announce you're done dealing with their crap, that will turn into an argument. Think about what's best for you, then do it.
I don't even know why I'm worried about how to do it "right" ... other than because I'm soft-hearted. :-/
Pressure makes diamonds
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 521
I think at this point, you need to be selfish and focus on you. That's not to say you have to be mean about it, or announce it or have a grand finale. It simply means that you make a decision that is good for you and you stick to it.
Your mother has chosen her path and she and your brother coexist in a sick sea of dysfunction. Although it hurts, cutting ties is not a bad idea. I think you've been so verbally abused by her that a part of you believes the verbal venom that she attacks you with. How could you not? It's your mom for gods sake. Out of anyone in this world how could a parent do this?
You have created a better life for yourself and have found happiness. Be thankful for that. She is resentful and jealous. Don't expect her to ever be happy for you, you will just be disappointed. She doesn't know how to be happy for herself. If a person feels good about themselves, it doesn't occur to them to put someone else down. Your mom is projecting her inner feelings of herself onto you. Don't take the bait. Misery needs company- which is why she continues the codependent dance with your brother. That is all she knows and it's so normal to her now that if it weren't there, she would create it. He screws up, she rescues him, he needs her, gets better and bam. Wash...Rinse...Repeat
Take a step back and look at your life from a child until now. All those hopes and dreams you had as a kid that you wished about so your life could be different happened because you made it happen. It's no coincidence that you ended up half a world away. Your subconscience led you there. You're far enough away that she can't hurt you.
Your mother has chosen her path and she and your brother coexist in a sick sea of dysfunction. Although it hurts, cutting ties is not a bad idea. I think you've been so verbally abused by her that a part of you believes the verbal venom that she attacks you with. How could you not? It's your mom for gods sake. Out of anyone in this world how could a parent do this?
You have created a better life for yourself and have found happiness. Be thankful for that. She is resentful and jealous. Don't expect her to ever be happy for you, you will just be disappointed. She doesn't know how to be happy for herself. If a person feels good about themselves, it doesn't occur to them to put someone else down. Your mom is projecting her inner feelings of herself onto you. Don't take the bait. Misery needs company- which is why she continues the codependent dance with your brother. That is all she knows and it's so normal to her now that if it weren't there, she would create it. He screws up, she rescues him, he needs her, gets better and bam. Wash...Rinse...Repeat
Take a step back and look at your life from a child until now. All those hopes and dreams you had as a kid that you wished about so your life could be different happened because you made it happen. It's no coincidence that you ended up half a world away. Your subconscience led you there. You're far enough away that she can't hurt you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Sydney, Australia; USA
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by Hope2014
I think at this point, you need to be selfish and focus on you. That's not to say you have to be mean about it, or announce it or have a grand finale. It simply means that you make a decision that is good for you and you stick to it.
Your mother has chosen her path and she and your brother coexist in a sick sea of dysfunction. Although it hurts, cutting ties is not a bad idea. I think you've been so verbally abused by her that a part of you believes the verbal venom that she attacks you with. How could you not? It's your mom for gods sake. Out of anyone in this world how could a parent do this?
You have created a better life for yourself and have found happiness. Be thankful for that. She is resentful and jealous. Don't expect her to ever be happy for you, you will just be disappointed. She doesn't know how to be happy for herself. If a person feels good about themselves, it doesn't occur to them to put someone else down. Your mom is projecting her inner feelings of herself onto you. Don't take the bait. Misery needs company- which is why she continues the codependent dance with your brother. That is all she knows and it's so normal to her now that if it weren't there, she would create it. He screws up, she rescues him, he needs her, gets better and bam. Wash...Rinse...Repeat
Take a step back and look at your life from a child until now. All those hopes and dreams you had as a kid that you wished about so your life could be different happened because you made it happen. It's no coincidence that you ended up half a world away. Your subconscience led you there. You're far enough away that she can't hurt you.
Your mother has chosen her path and she and your brother coexist in a sick sea of dysfunction. Although it hurts, cutting ties is not a bad idea. I think you've been so verbally abused by her that a part of you believes the verbal venom that she attacks you with. How could you not? It's your mom for gods sake. Out of anyone in this world how could a parent do this?
You have created a better life for yourself and have found happiness. Be thankful for that. She is resentful and jealous. Don't expect her to ever be happy for you, you will just be disappointed. She doesn't know how to be happy for herself. If a person feels good about themselves, it doesn't occur to them to put someone else down. Your mom is projecting her inner feelings of herself onto you. Don't take the bait. Misery needs company- which is why she continues the codependent dance with your brother. That is all she knows and it's so normal to her now that if it weren't there, she would create it. He screws up, she rescues him, he needs her, gets better and bam. Wash...Rinse...Repeat
Take a step back and look at your life from a child until now. All those hopes and dreams you had as a kid that you wished about so your life could be different happened because you made it happen. It's no coincidence that you ended up half a world away. Your subconscience led you there. You're far enough away that she can't hurt you.
"Take a step back and look at your life from a child until now. All those hopes and dreams you had as a kid that you wished about so your life could be different happened because you made it happen. It's no coincidence that you ended up half a world away. Your subconscience led you there. You're far enough away that she can't hurt you."
It's absolutely the truth. How I never saw it that way before escapes me.
I cannot thank you and the other posters enough for giving me some deep insights in less than 24 hours. I truly had NO idea that this journey is so deeply and intimately shared by so many. I know I've still got a ways to go -- but, WOW, how freaking STRONG I already feel -- it's incredible!
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