What would you think?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: NJ
Posts: 9
What would you think?
Background info (sorry its so long)
Basically, besides our relationship being up and down due to WAY TOO MANY issues to mention, he also has drug and anger issues. In fact, he was diagnosed as emotionally disturbed in high school (I found this out after beginning to date him, although I knew he was not completely stable emotionally). I just wish I could help him. He goes to his dr and at this time he is prescribed 60 1mg xanax a month, adderol (probably around the same amount)…and he also has gotten into painkillers and heroin (iv and snorting from what I know of). Pretty sure the adderol is sold, not taken.
What worries me the most is that my bf has a family, and a gf who obviously loves him. He has a mother who is also bipolar. A grandma (somewhat the worst at enabling...pays for lawyers, gives him money, etc) that takes care of the two younger siblings, and a sister around his age. He is 25 and has not changed his life around since as long as I can remember. But i can honestly say that when he is motivated, you can tell its his dream to just have a normal life/job/family. His father died when he was very young, his mother is not stable... and without the knowledge of professional terms…I could only describe his mother as that, unstable and bipolar. She also takes pills, has addiction problems, etc.
My bf doesn’t get along with his family unless they are doing something for him. His anger issues, learning disabilities, emotional/behavioral and drug issues combined make it seem to me impossible for him to ever recover from this successfully. He admits to the problem but won’t admit the severity, won’t take action and says “I’m gonna” instead of “I am”. Deep inside, he is a sweet man who lost his father, has a low self esteem, and was never provided with a solid foundation or good role models.
I am an educated, 25 year old female with a masters degree and I am very successful in my field. This is why I feel so desperate. I see myself succeeding, and his problems/disorders giving him an excuse and road block to success. Not only this, but he supports his habit with no legitimate job, meaning he sells drugs, and has thus begun spending time with a crowd that would have made him uncomfortable to walk by in the street a few years ago. Not only that, but before the hard drugs (he smoked/s weed since he was about 18) he developed a habit of stealing, televisions from walmart, tools from home depot, jewelry from Sears…and he also received a DUI because he fell off his bike in his driveway, cops were called, and he was found under the influence of a controlled substance. Most recently he was caught stealing a grill from the house next to his…and charged for it. But he has never been to jail. He has always been bailed out by his grandma or gotten a lawyer…Sometimes I worry that before he’s forced into jail or rehab by the court he will kill himself, by overdosing or suicide.
Yes, he has always had anger problems and low self esteem, as well as emotional issues due to the death of his father and his mother being absent in the sense where although he lived with her, she was mentally ill and soooo unconcerned with his well being (hence why the grandmother has custody over the younger ones).
He has such great fantasies about a family, unlike the one he was born into. This would be impossible if he stays on the path he is on now. I have tried to be supportive, but finding rolled up bills, needle paraphernalia, and such, has become something he simply lies about. In fact, I sometimes have to ask him “do you really think I’m that stupid?”. And he doesn’t, he can’t. But he seems to believe the lies too. I’ve done so much research online (which angers and annoys him) but I don’t want to give up. I do not have unprotected sex with him, as I know that would be VERY stupid.
I may have made some mistakes as a gf, left him a few times and dated other guys (only because I know this is not the life I deserve)..but I come back to him every time. I am hoping this is because I love him so much, not because I am codependent. Who knows though. I just feel like it’s so difficult.
Most recently, we got into a fight before I left for a week long vacation. While on the vacation, I could only speak to him a little because wifi cost money and it was an international trip. He would email me the whole time i was there begging/pleading/assuring me. Convincing me that he realized what needed to be done.
I must say that when I got back, he seemed better. More alert, more motivated, less shady (decreased bathroom breaks), more energized, etc. He told me he was surprised by how little he was going through withdrawal. He takes sweat pills (like the ones people take during menopause), and apparently took 1 subutex while I was away. His eyes weren't droopy as often, etc.
He says his dr put him on seroquel/zoloft? Regardless...he stayed over last night and long story short, seemed better, but got shady again. he walked outta my room, went to the bathroom, and i could hear something crinkling (like paper?). I called him out ("what are you doing") and he came out and laid down saying he was just gonna wash face. Something told me he was lying. So a little while later I got up, voiced myself, and asked to see his pockets in the jeans on the floor of the bathroom. Long story short, while he tried to check for me...the pocket I was able to get into ended up having heroin bags in it.
Unable to control myself, I flushed them. it was less than a "bundle" apparently (according to him?). I only know the terms from online searches. He started crying, went from saying I was right to do it, to laughing at me, to calling me a bitch, to saying he didnt know what to do, to suddenly owing his dealer 200 dollars and needing to find a way to get it.
I told him, let me drug test you. Negative and I'll give you the 200. Although at first he was fine with it, when he realized my sincerity about testing him, he admitted he would prob fail anyway and I wouldn't talk to him so its a waste of my money. He says the heroin was his friends/dealers/from when he was doing it, and what he was giving back to the dealer....blah blah blah.
He was supposed to stay til at least lunch. he didn't. he left shortly after i found it. I know he probably left because he knew he had to get more since i flushed it. But how come he had them, but seemed to be getting better?
What would you think/do? I feel disappointed and I don't know how to handle this.
Basically, besides our relationship being up and down due to WAY TOO MANY issues to mention, he also has drug and anger issues. In fact, he was diagnosed as emotionally disturbed in high school (I found this out after beginning to date him, although I knew he was not completely stable emotionally). I just wish I could help him. He goes to his dr and at this time he is prescribed 60 1mg xanax a month, adderol (probably around the same amount)…and he also has gotten into painkillers and heroin (iv and snorting from what I know of). Pretty sure the adderol is sold, not taken.
What worries me the most is that my bf has a family, and a gf who obviously loves him. He has a mother who is also bipolar. A grandma (somewhat the worst at enabling...pays for lawyers, gives him money, etc) that takes care of the two younger siblings, and a sister around his age. He is 25 and has not changed his life around since as long as I can remember. But i can honestly say that when he is motivated, you can tell its his dream to just have a normal life/job/family. His father died when he was very young, his mother is not stable... and without the knowledge of professional terms…I could only describe his mother as that, unstable and bipolar. She also takes pills, has addiction problems, etc.
My bf doesn’t get along with his family unless they are doing something for him. His anger issues, learning disabilities, emotional/behavioral and drug issues combined make it seem to me impossible for him to ever recover from this successfully. He admits to the problem but won’t admit the severity, won’t take action and says “I’m gonna” instead of “I am”. Deep inside, he is a sweet man who lost his father, has a low self esteem, and was never provided with a solid foundation or good role models.
I am an educated, 25 year old female with a masters degree and I am very successful in my field. This is why I feel so desperate. I see myself succeeding, and his problems/disorders giving him an excuse and road block to success. Not only this, but he supports his habit with no legitimate job, meaning he sells drugs, and has thus begun spending time with a crowd that would have made him uncomfortable to walk by in the street a few years ago. Not only that, but before the hard drugs (he smoked/s weed since he was about 18) he developed a habit of stealing, televisions from walmart, tools from home depot, jewelry from Sears…and he also received a DUI because he fell off his bike in his driveway, cops were called, and he was found under the influence of a controlled substance. Most recently he was caught stealing a grill from the house next to his…and charged for it. But he has never been to jail. He has always been bailed out by his grandma or gotten a lawyer…Sometimes I worry that before he’s forced into jail or rehab by the court he will kill himself, by overdosing or suicide.
Yes, he has always had anger problems and low self esteem, as well as emotional issues due to the death of his father and his mother being absent in the sense where although he lived with her, she was mentally ill and soooo unconcerned with his well being (hence why the grandmother has custody over the younger ones).
He has such great fantasies about a family, unlike the one he was born into. This would be impossible if he stays on the path he is on now. I have tried to be supportive, but finding rolled up bills, needle paraphernalia, and such, has become something he simply lies about. In fact, I sometimes have to ask him “do you really think I’m that stupid?”. And he doesn’t, he can’t. But he seems to believe the lies too. I’ve done so much research online (which angers and annoys him) but I don’t want to give up. I do not have unprotected sex with him, as I know that would be VERY stupid.
I may have made some mistakes as a gf, left him a few times and dated other guys (only because I know this is not the life I deserve)..but I come back to him every time. I am hoping this is because I love him so much, not because I am codependent. Who knows though. I just feel like it’s so difficult.
Most recently, we got into a fight before I left for a week long vacation. While on the vacation, I could only speak to him a little because wifi cost money and it was an international trip. He would email me the whole time i was there begging/pleading/assuring me. Convincing me that he realized what needed to be done.
I must say that when I got back, he seemed better. More alert, more motivated, less shady (decreased bathroom breaks), more energized, etc. He told me he was surprised by how little he was going through withdrawal. He takes sweat pills (like the ones people take during menopause), and apparently took 1 subutex while I was away. His eyes weren't droopy as often, etc.
He says his dr put him on seroquel/zoloft? Regardless...he stayed over last night and long story short, seemed better, but got shady again. he walked outta my room, went to the bathroom, and i could hear something crinkling (like paper?). I called him out ("what are you doing") and he came out and laid down saying he was just gonna wash face. Something told me he was lying. So a little while later I got up, voiced myself, and asked to see his pockets in the jeans on the floor of the bathroom. Long story short, while he tried to check for me...the pocket I was able to get into ended up having heroin bags in it.
Unable to control myself, I flushed them. it was less than a "bundle" apparently (according to him?). I only know the terms from online searches. He started crying, went from saying I was right to do it, to laughing at me, to calling me a bitch, to saying he didnt know what to do, to suddenly owing his dealer 200 dollars and needing to find a way to get it.
I told him, let me drug test you. Negative and I'll give you the 200. Although at first he was fine with it, when he realized my sincerity about testing him, he admitted he would prob fail anyway and I wouldn't talk to him so its a waste of my money. He says the heroin was his friends/dealers/from when he was doing it, and what he was giving back to the dealer....blah blah blah.
He was supposed to stay til at least lunch. he didn't. he left shortly after i found it. I know he probably left because he knew he had to get more since i flushed it. But how come he had them, but seemed to be getting better?
What would you think/do? I feel disappointed and I don't know how to handle this.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
What I would do is completely cease all contact with him. He's an active addict and can offer you nothing but pain and misery. Do you really want to be in a relationship that includes illegal drugs and drug dealers??
Save yourself. You cannot save him.
Save yourself. You cannot save him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I see myself succeeding, and his problems/disorders giving him an excuse and road block to success. Not only this, but he supports his habit with no legitimate job, meaning he sells drugs, and has thus begun spending time with a crowd that would have made him uncomfortable to walk by in the street a few years ago. Not only that, but before the hard drugs (he smoked/s weed since he was about 18) he developed a habit of stealing, televisions from walmart, tools from home depot, jewelry from Sears…and he also received a DUI because he fell off his bike in his driveway, cops were called, and he was found under the influence of a controlled substance. Most recently he was caught stealing a grill from the house next to his…and charged for it. But he has never been to jail. He has always been bailed out by his grandma or gotten a lawyer
oh hon. does your young life on such a positive wonderful tract really NEED any of the above???? what do you suppose your motives are for putting so much energy into a confirmed drug addict, unemployed thief with no motivation to change?
he's doing heroin AND wanting you to pay of his drug debt. he'll just get more. he'll just owe more. if you pay that debt, you are buying his dope for him.
you are right. you DO deserve better. you can't fix him. you can't make his addiction go away. i'm concerned because you off-handedly mentioned ANGER issues.....has he hurt you? threatened you? yelled at you, called you names? emotionally unstable people are not something to mess with, especially not of they are active addicts to boot. it's a recipe for disaster.
oh hon. does your young life on such a positive wonderful tract really NEED any of the above???? what do you suppose your motives are for putting so much energy into a confirmed drug addict, unemployed thief with no motivation to change?
he's doing heroin AND wanting you to pay of his drug debt. he'll just get more. he'll just owe more. if you pay that debt, you are buying his dope for him.
you are right. you DO deserve better. you can't fix him. you can't make his addiction go away. i'm concerned because you off-handedly mentioned ANGER issues.....has he hurt you? threatened you? yelled at you, called you names? emotionally unstable people are not something to mess with, especially not of they are active addicts to boot. it's a recipe for disaster.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: NJ
Posts: 9
I know
Thank you so much, both of you...for replying and saying what I obviously needed to hear. Right when I read what was written I was in tears. I know you are right. Just like how change is so hard for him, but I expect it...change (leaving him) is hard for me too, but why shouldn't I expect change from myself?
You are right. I need to change and realize that I cannot do for him what he isn't willing to do for either of us, especially himself.
Regarding the anger...he is not physically abusive, but he says very hurtful things when he is mad or trying to turn things around. He says sorry, begs me to believe he won't say it again, and then knows the next time that whatever he said last time, is what will really get to me that time.
I guess if he was actively trying to make his life better in regards to all his problems, he would have a leg to stand on here. But instead I'm literally holding him up, and not worrying about how that affects myself.
Thank you so much for giving me the ability to talk to someone about this. The ability to see myself as worth it. Although I have family that loves me, I would never be able to honestly tell them all that I've been going through. Plus, I live on my own so it's easy to get sucked into his issues and ignore my own. Especially when, without him, and my "addiction" to him...I would not have many daily issues to deal with.
You're right. I need to put myself first. Even though I'm scared to lose him, and scared of how he will react to me leaving him, I realize my life can take a turn easily if I'm ever brought into any of the legal or drug issues that come along with being with him.
This is so hard.
You are right. I need to change and realize that I cannot do for him what he isn't willing to do for either of us, especially himself.
Regarding the anger...he is not physically abusive, but he says very hurtful things when he is mad or trying to turn things around. He says sorry, begs me to believe he won't say it again, and then knows the next time that whatever he said last time, is what will really get to me that time.
I guess if he was actively trying to make his life better in regards to all his problems, he would have a leg to stand on here. But instead I'm literally holding him up, and not worrying about how that affects myself.
Thank you so much for giving me the ability to talk to someone about this. The ability to see myself as worth it. Although I have family that loves me, I would never be able to honestly tell them all that I've been going through. Plus, I live on my own so it's easy to get sucked into his issues and ignore my own. Especially when, without him, and my "addiction" to him...I would not have many daily issues to deal with.
You're right. I need to put myself first. Even though I'm scared to lose him, and scared of how he will react to me leaving him, I realize my life can take a turn easily if I'm ever brought into any of the legal or drug issues that come along with being with him.
This is so hard.
hopping for freedom
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 847
"I am hoping this is because I love him so much, not because I am codependent."
I feel for you. I have been through a few crazy and drama filled relationships. I don't believe that love leaves us helpless and without choices, telling ourselves "it wasn't my fault who I fell in love with". Just because you love someone, it doesn't mean you have to tie yourself to a sinking ship. You have the choice of how you want to spend your life. If you want to share this lifestyle with him, you can chose that. If you don't, you can chose that too. Right now you seem attracted to this so maybe that's something to ponder over.
I feel for you. I have been through a few crazy and drama filled relationships. I don't believe that love leaves us helpless and without choices, telling ourselves "it wasn't my fault who I fell in love with". Just because you love someone, it doesn't mean you have to tie yourself to a sinking ship. You have the choice of how you want to spend your life. If you want to share this lifestyle with him, you can chose that. If you don't, you can chose that too. Right now you seem attracted to this so maybe that's something to ponder over.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: NJ
Posts: 9
Yes...
I have been to counseling several other times when we break up, trying to understand better. One thing my counselors do always say in the beginning is that I have a very good sense of why I do the things I do. Unfortunately, changing the things I do (such as behaving like a codependent)...is what I struggle with most. I guess it is time for me to go into therapy full force this time.
TBH, I don't think it helped in the past because I stopped going every time I got back with him since I knew it was a waste of time to go if I couldn't be honest with my counselor about how I "relapsed" and went back to him again. I would basically lie to my counselor because I did not want to deal with it. I think I have a hard time believing that telling someone, professional or not, will do me any good. And after building a relationship with my counselor, I don't want to disappoint. I know I need to stop thinking this way. It only makes it worse.
The only other people I am able to talk about the bf's addiction with is his sister, who tells me to keep fighting for it and be there for him...but is scared if I leave he will go even further down the wrong path, and his mother...who has told him in front of my face that if he's going to do it he should snort it not inject it...or go to the dr and ask for prescription pills instead of heroin... I feel this is not good advice coming from a drug addict with bipolar....and mental instability.
TBH, I don't think it helped in the past because I stopped going every time I got back with him since I knew it was a waste of time to go if I couldn't be honest with my counselor about how I "relapsed" and went back to him again. I would basically lie to my counselor because I did not want to deal with it. I think I have a hard time believing that telling someone, professional or not, will do me any good. And after building a relationship with my counselor, I don't want to disappoint. I know I need to stop thinking this way. It only makes it worse.
The only other people I am able to talk about the bf's addiction with is his sister, who tells me to keep fighting for it and be there for him...but is scared if I leave he will go even further down the wrong path, and his mother...who has told him in front of my face that if he's going to do it he should snort it not inject it...or go to the dr and ask for prescription pills instead of heroin... I feel this is not good advice coming from a drug addict with bipolar....and mental instability.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Doesn't sound to me like the sister or the mother understand addiction worth a hoot. He is going to use if he wants to whether you are there or not. If he cared about how you felt about this, he would have found a way to stop and stayed stopped long ago. His addiction/mental health issues are NOT your problem. If he wants help, he knows how to get help.
He is not an 8 year old child. He is a grown man who can take care of himself IF he wants to. You cannot make him want to and staying with him isn't helping him at all. It's just dragging you down the same hole he's living in.
He is not an 8 year old child. He is a grown man who can take care of himself IF he wants to. You cannot make him want to and staying with him isn't helping him at all. It's just dragging you down the same hole he's living in.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 215
This is exactly the point I'm at! My therapist said that even when I thought I was being co-dependent at times- I was actually acting like a normal, mature adult with the capability of real intimacy- I was just seeking it from people that didn't have the same capability. I too know what my mistakes are, and I know some of the pain I feel from losses outside of my control(ie- the death of my brother)- I just don't know how to move past them and what the next step should or could be. I feel stuck in sadness and pain.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: NJ
Posts: 9
I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. I cannot even imagine that pain. && Sticking with therapy shows strength in itself.
"My therapist said that even when I thought I was being co-dependent at times- I was actually acting like a normal, mature adult with the capability of real intimacy- I was just seeking it from people that didn't have the same capability."
Wow, that makes so much sense. Especially with him...&& I think I take a lot of the blame instead of just saying "no this time, it is not your fault."
"My therapist said that even when I thought I was being co-dependent at times- I was actually acting like a normal, mature adult with the capability of real intimacy- I was just seeking it from people that didn't have the same capability."
Wow, that makes so much sense. Especially with him...&& I think I take a lot of the blame instead of just saying "no this time, it is not your fault."
hopping for freedom
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 847
I could never force a hard change in myself but with lots of introspection and knowledge, change happened slowly over time. I think I had to hit my rock bottom when it came to toxic love. When I was betrayed and broken enough times I finally got fed up with it, felt humiliated by how I'd let myself be treated. A fierce sense of pride and self preservation kicked in. After a few years of swinging the other way and being rather suspicious and distant, I mellowed and found middle ground. I was no longer interested in "bad" men at all. I wanted a grown man who could bring something worthy to the table. If they didn't treat me with respect, I turned around and walked the other way. Manipulation was easy to see through and I found it ridiculous and childish. Yawn, been there done that, now how about a man with REAL strength and character?
I'm sure you're time will come. You'll do what you do until you want something else badly enough to go after it. Just don't forget to care for yourself - a lot.
I'm sure you're time will come. You'll do what you do until you want something else badly enough to go after it. Just don't forget to care for yourself - a lot.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: NJ
Posts: 9
I think knowing I have no control over the situation..And that he isn't honest with anyone about his addiction/drug use, is what made me feel like if I didn't call his dr and explain the situation, if something happened, the guilt would be worse. I know more than anyone else in his life...partly bc I won't turn a blind eye, and partly bc sometimes he tells me. So I called his dr, a neurologist who has been seeing him for years, and explained confidentially what the situation is. His dr said he suspected something, but had no clue that this is what was going on. He said he will not be prescribing him meds anymore, and will refer him to someone else after giving him a drug test at his appointment this month.
Part of me questions if the Xanax withdrawal will make
him worse, once he is actually out of it, and part of me questions whether he will just go somewhere else. But I'm glad he no longer can sell part of his prescriptions and use the money for street drugs. Maybe he will get worse before he gets better ...but I think his dr knowing is better than his dr not knowing.
He has been texting me, apologizing for everything, randomly during the day. But it's the same things he always says. I changed his contact number to "do not text him" in my phone. I also only replied by telling him that he needs counseling and change...and I'm done being on this road with him, even tho I do care about him...I have to worry about myself. He blames me by saying "ily but I guess you don't wanna be with me" I told him I want to be with him, but not more than I need to start worrying about myself...so I refuse to be with a drug addict who takes it out on me and refuses to take responsibility for what he has done or does.
I doubt it's gotten thru to him but hey, at least I got what I wanted to say out.
Right?
Part of me questions if the Xanax withdrawal will make
him worse, once he is actually out of it, and part of me questions whether he will just go somewhere else. But I'm glad he no longer can sell part of his prescriptions and use the money for street drugs. Maybe he will get worse before he gets better ...but I think his dr knowing is better than his dr not knowing.
He has been texting me, apologizing for everything, randomly during the day. But it's the same things he always says. I changed his contact number to "do not text him" in my phone. I also only replied by telling him that he needs counseling and change...and I'm done being on this road with him, even tho I do care about him...I have to worry about myself. He blames me by saying "ily but I guess you don't wanna be with me" I told him I want to be with him, but not more than I need to start worrying about myself...so I refuse to be with a drug addict who takes it out on me and refuses to take responsibility for what he has done or does.
I doubt it's gotten thru to him but hey, at least I got what I wanted to say out.
Right?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
It seems like the "him" that you want to be with doesn't exist outside of your head. You are idealizing someone who quite honestly sounds like a mess (and that's being polite). I am not criticizing you here, I did the exact same thing, carried a picture of my ex in my head that was "the man I fell in love with", and not the drunken, raging monster he became. I tried for a long time to keep a relationship going with that guy who only existed in my head. Too long.
You have so many positive things going for yourself, keep your focus on yourself and your goals, because that is the path to happiness and success. Don't lower your standards to accommodate toxic love, you deserve so much better.
What are you going to do this time to break your pattern and stay gone?
You have so many positive things going for yourself, keep your focus on yourself and your goals, because that is the path to happiness and success. Don't lower your standards to accommodate toxic love, you deserve so much better.
What are you going to do this time to break your pattern and stay gone?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: NJ
Posts: 9
Thank you, I appreciate that. I think I will begin going to counseling , and start writing in my journal again. I know meditation has helped me stay calm, so I will probably do that before bed to ease my mind instead of thinking about him.
I agree that I am having trouble seeing anything but the big heart he once had that only shines through rarely these days, if at all.
I imagine that one day I will look back on this and find that it is simply a situation that makes me more grateful for the healthy relationships I have in the future. That's kind of helping too.
I agree that I am having trouble seeing anything but the big heart he once had that only shines through rarely these days, if at all.
I imagine that one day I will look back on this and find that it is simply a situation that makes me more grateful for the healthy relationships I have in the future. That's kind of helping too.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 39
You are young, intelligent and educated and this man is going nowhere in his life fast. In fact, if you fast forward 5 or 10 years down the road, he will still be nowhere in terms of education or career, except if he's alive still, his disease process of addiction will have progressed. He sounds so much like my daughters boyfriend, family background (he had a sick and unstable mother too), the bipolar and he supposedly has ADHD too. It's so hard for them to change with no support system (his ENTIRE family is so screwed up!). We have been his only support system for the last 10 years and I know from my perspective, I joined this forum because I have come to the realization that I/we (my daughter and I) can no longer help him (well we were deceiving our selves if we ever thought we were helping him and he was deceiving us by making us think we were or ever could help him) and I want the strength to be strong and get off of this insane boat. My daughter is educated too just like you and he barely graduated high school. I hate that she's 31 years old and I can see her wasting all her vital years with him. Please stay on the path you're on staying away from what sounds to me like a full blown bottom feeder addict like my daughter's boyfriend. This is way bigger than you. I am sure, just like my daughter, you deserve so much more than this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: NJ
Posts: 9
Thank you to everyone for your responses. They really helped me stop and look at how I'm treated. The anger is not tolerable. I had to get my ezpass from him today. We used it when we went away a couple weeks ago. When I went to get it I got there when his sister and Gma were going out for school supplies. I went with them beforehand, bc the grandma is old and I felt bad she had to drive ...I also knew she wanted to talk to me. I think she finally believes he uses needles and I convinced her she's at risk by allowing him to live in her apartment. Anyway, the past few days he has been going to a methadone clinic/counseling place. He isn't able to get into the methadone clinic part yet bc they don't accept people who are addicted to anything other than opiates, and he's addicted to Xanax too. Tbh I think the counseling is what he needs most anyway.
Regardless, when I talked to him while getting the ezpass, I could tell I've changed my attitude a lot. I was able to say "if I'm not treated right I deserve better" I said "ok then I am done" when he said "ok well if u don't like how I treat you I guess u don't wanna be with me but I wanna be with you". I really see myself as a lot stronger and I know I'm sick of the bs. It makes me feel good to know I'm in control. He said I nag him all the time ...bc I explained I feel disrespected ...and I said that he needs to put recovery first and to leave me alone and expect no support if he can't respect me. I guess I'm just happy that he can see I'm over dealing with bs. It's one thing to help an addict, still not a good idea unless they want the help...but it's still a lot more understandable than helping one who treats you like you just nag all day and expect too much respect and stuff like that.
I guess I'm just writing how I feel. It was a good day. I realize I'm better off sad than miserable. And I'll be sad if I don't talk to him...but I'm miserable being treated like this.
Regardless, when I talked to him while getting the ezpass, I could tell I've changed my attitude a lot. I was able to say "if I'm not treated right I deserve better" I said "ok then I am done" when he said "ok well if u don't like how I treat you I guess u don't wanna be with me but I wanna be with you". I really see myself as a lot stronger and I know I'm sick of the bs. It makes me feel good to know I'm in control. He said I nag him all the time ...bc I explained I feel disrespected ...and I said that he needs to put recovery first and to leave me alone and expect no support if he can't respect me. I guess I'm just happy that he can see I'm over dealing with bs. It's one thing to help an addict, still not a good idea unless they want the help...but it's still a lot more understandable than helping one who treats you like you just nag all day and expect too much respect and stuff like that.
I guess I'm just writing how I feel. It was a good day. I realize I'm better off sad than miserable. And I'll be sad if I don't talk to him...but I'm miserable being treated like this.
Last edited by ksid; 09-04-2014 at 05:17 PM. Reason: Clarify something
hopping for freedom
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 847
It's great to hear you sounding more powerful within yourself. It's never nice feeling sad but as you said, you were miserable before. I've found that some of the most happy and fulfilling times in my life have been shortly after a break up with someone who was not good for me. After all the hard work and frustration of a bad relationship, being by myself and doing what I wanted when I wanted was like a summer vacation after stressful exams.
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