Please Help Me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 4
Please Help Me
Hi everyone,
I’m new to this and have found the forum by searching for help for my sister in law because I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ll be as brief as I can be but my sister in law is very young and 14 years younger than my husband she is 23. For all I’m going to tell you, she is lovely but is now well and truly off the rails. My husbands family is not what you could call close and he has his father and an aunty and uncle that were relatively close but the rest of the family don’t really see them, cards at Christmas that kind of thing. My sister in law lived with her three year old and shared custody with her ex in a rented house, about a month ago she had a fire at her house and fortunately she was ok and the little one was at her ex’s house. Nobody had been in her house since Christmas and it was piled high with rubbish, I mean a real state and we fund whilst clearing it approximately 2000 empty lager cans, we also found that she had taken out credit cards in my father in laws name and had also lost her job in January due to having too much time off through alcoholism which none of us knew about. The aunty and uncle lived three doors down from her and I had been asking why she never opened her curtains and why the garden was such a wilderness and they just said it’s up to her to keep up with them, my husband thought the same so I didn’t pursue it. Looking back now, she always had the same clothes on, greasy hair and looked so tired and I can’t believe I didn’t do more to help her but I was consistently told not to pry. I am two years older than my husband and have always loved his little sister so much, my husband and sister in law lost their mum to cancer when my sister in law was 16, she had been ill for a long time. Their father who isn’t a bad man just a bit selfish I think got another women within a year and left my husband and his sister to their own devices, in the next four years I watched my husband and his sister suffer the deaths of 3 grandparents and then my sister in law had a baby with a man who was a complete horror, controlling and had cheated on her, they spilt less than a year after the birth of her daughter and I don’t think my sister in law had a clue how to manage. She worked hard and provided well for her child but it was like she was completely lost and never seemed quite right. My husband doesn’t really show his emotions or grief and although I know he loves her, he never showed it much. He secretly remained friends with her ex which she confided in me destroyed her because things between her and her ex were so bad. Anyway, after the fire my husband took pictures of the state of the house and gave them to his sisters ex, something that I just can’t comprehend so a custody battle ensued. My sister in law was allowed supervised contact with her daughter for one day a week and undergoing treatment for depression & alcoholism which is heartbreaking, her daughter doesn’t understand why things are like they are and doesn’t believe her mother is ill because to her credit and despite the state of the house she has managed to take good care of her. Nobody went with her to the court and I couldn’t because at this point my husband and her father had practically disowned her. Her father got the police involved with the credit card fraud and was prepared to take it to court but her aunt and uncle stepped in to pay the bill because of the embarrassment on the family. My sister in law then proceeded to steal the bank card of an elderly man and used his money to buy toys, clothes and food for her daughter as she lost everything in the fire and the custody battle dictated that she must provide a stable environment for the child, I am lost for words that she has done this but can’t help but wonder how you expect someone in such a state to get a house, fight a custody battle, earn a living and take being disowned all whilst in an absolute state. I am at constant loggerheads with my husband and his family because they have all given up and have disowned her after telling anyone who would listen about her misdeeds, they have also all become firm friends with her ex within a matter of weeks and told him about everything that has gone on with the stealing etc. My sister in law has now stopped attending court, has stopped seeing her child, has a black eye from her latest boyfriend and is being evicted from her new home as she hasn’t paid her rent. It’s breaking my heart but I don’t know how to help her as I run the risk of being chastised by my husband. My husband, his father & his aunty and uncle have simply said she is dead to them now and they will never see or speak to her again, they are convinced she is on drugs also which she has denied. She has no one now, not even any friends as her family have told everybody everything so everybody has turned their backs. I just can’t comprehend how for less than three months bad behaviour brought on by mental illness and addiction and after 23 years of someone never putting a foot wrong, being a lovely person and never hurting anyone you can just discard someone like that who is obviously crying out to be loved and cared for. I know I sound soft but she has even had to mitigate the family rifts between my husband and their father as when he got his new partner my husband and the aunty and uncle were furious and refusing to acknowledge her, they all poured this onto my 17 year old sister in law who kept everyone calm and said if people are happy we must accept it, they all, my husband included used her to keep their secrets, slag off other people and she effectively had nobody. I remember several times I tried to talk to her about how she was feeling and she kept answering me but told me nothing, I think she was so far in herself that she couldn’t get out again so started drinking to numb the pain. I don’t know what to do and I’m hoping someone on here will be able to help and give me some advice as I can’t be as cold as they’re being. I have read about tough love but this isn’t tough love, it is goodbye forever and sort yourself out and I can’t bear it. She will soon be homeless, without a penny, no support network, money and her beloved daughter so how can she ever climb out of the pit??? Sorry it’s a long post but I’m desperate, I argued with my husband last night as I think it’s wrong what they’re doing and to think that helping his sister would help his niece who cries all the time because she’s missing her mummy but he and the family thinks she’s better off without her. I feel like I must be a freak as my opinion is so different from theirs and she isn’t even my blood. Even my parents and sister bought her some clothes and underwear etc after the fire because she had nothing. If you’ve been in this situation with a family member please help me as I don’t want to carry on arguing with my husband but I can’t do something which I think is wrong too, I’m also scared to death that when she is evicted I won’t even know where or how to find her and she’s just end up dead on the street somewhere and don’t get how they can just dismiss it as well it’s her own fault and let it happen. I don't know where to turn and am worried sick, please help!
I’m new to this and have found the forum by searching for help for my sister in law because I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ll be as brief as I can be but my sister in law is very young and 14 years younger than my husband she is 23. For all I’m going to tell you, she is lovely but is now well and truly off the rails. My husbands family is not what you could call close and he has his father and an aunty and uncle that were relatively close but the rest of the family don’t really see them, cards at Christmas that kind of thing. My sister in law lived with her three year old and shared custody with her ex in a rented house, about a month ago she had a fire at her house and fortunately she was ok and the little one was at her ex’s house. Nobody had been in her house since Christmas and it was piled high with rubbish, I mean a real state and we fund whilst clearing it approximately 2000 empty lager cans, we also found that she had taken out credit cards in my father in laws name and had also lost her job in January due to having too much time off through alcoholism which none of us knew about. The aunty and uncle lived three doors down from her and I had been asking why she never opened her curtains and why the garden was such a wilderness and they just said it’s up to her to keep up with them, my husband thought the same so I didn’t pursue it. Looking back now, she always had the same clothes on, greasy hair and looked so tired and I can’t believe I didn’t do more to help her but I was consistently told not to pry. I am two years older than my husband and have always loved his little sister so much, my husband and sister in law lost their mum to cancer when my sister in law was 16, she had been ill for a long time. Their father who isn’t a bad man just a bit selfish I think got another women within a year and left my husband and his sister to their own devices, in the next four years I watched my husband and his sister suffer the deaths of 3 grandparents and then my sister in law had a baby with a man who was a complete horror, controlling and had cheated on her, they spilt less than a year after the birth of her daughter and I don’t think my sister in law had a clue how to manage. She worked hard and provided well for her child but it was like she was completely lost and never seemed quite right. My husband doesn’t really show his emotions or grief and although I know he loves her, he never showed it much. He secretly remained friends with her ex which she confided in me destroyed her because things between her and her ex were so bad. Anyway, after the fire my husband took pictures of the state of the house and gave them to his sisters ex, something that I just can’t comprehend so a custody battle ensued. My sister in law was allowed supervised contact with her daughter for one day a week and undergoing treatment for depression & alcoholism which is heartbreaking, her daughter doesn’t understand why things are like they are and doesn’t believe her mother is ill because to her credit and despite the state of the house she has managed to take good care of her. Nobody went with her to the court and I couldn’t because at this point my husband and her father had practically disowned her. Her father got the police involved with the credit card fraud and was prepared to take it to court but her aunt and uncle stepped in to pay the bill because of the embarrassment on the family. My sister in law then proceeded to steal the bank card of an elderly man and used his money to buy toys, clothes and food for her daughter as she lost everything in the fire and the custody battle dictated that she must provide a stable environment for the child, I am lost for words that she has done this but can’t help but wonder how you expect someone in such a state to get a house, fight a custody battle, earn a living and take being disowned all whilst in an absolute state. I am at constant loggerheads with my husband and his family because they have all given up and have disowned her after telling anyone who would listen about her misdeeds, they have also all become firm friends with her ex within a matter of weeks and told him about everything that has gone on with the stealing etc. My sister in law has now stopped attending court, has stopped seeing her child, has a black eye from her latest boyfriend and is being evicted from her new home as she hasn’t paid her rent. It’s breaking my heart but I don’t know how to help her as I run the risk of being chastised by my husband. My husband, his father & his aunty and uncle have simply said she is dead to them now and they will never see or speak to her again, they are convinced she is on drugs also which she has denied. She has no one now, not even any friends as her family have told everybody everything so everybody has turned their backs. I just can’t comprehend how for less than three months bad behaviour brought on by mental illness and addiction and after 23 years of someone never putting a foot wrong, being a lovely person and never hurting anyone you can just discard someone like that who is obviously crying out to be loved and cared for. I know I sound soft but she has even had to mitigate the family rifts between my husband and their father as when he got his new partner my husband and the aunty and uncle were furious and refusing to acknowledge her, they all poured this onto my 17 year old sister in law who kept everyone calm and said if people are happy we must accept it, they all, my husband included used her to keep their secrets, slag off other people and she effectively had nobody. I remember several times I tried to talk to her about how she was feeling and she kept answering me but told me nothing, I think she was so far in herself that she couldn’t get out again so started drinking to numb the pain. I don’t know what to do and I’m hoping someone on here will be able to help and give me some advice as I can’t be as cold as they’re being. I have read about tough love but this isn’t tough love, it is goodbye forever and sort yourself out and I can’t bear it. She will soon be homeless, without a penny, no support network, money and her beloved daughter so how can she ever climb out of the pit??? Sorry it’s a long post but I’m desperate, I argued with my husband last night as I think it’s wrong what they’re doing and to think that helping his sister would help his niece who cries all the time because she’s missing her mummy but he and the family thinks she’s better off without her. I feel like I must be a freak as my opinion is so different from theirs and she isn’t even my blood. Even my parents and sister bought her some clothes and underwear etc after the fire because she had nothing. If you’ve been in this situation with a family member please help me as I don’t want to carry on arguing with my husband but I can’t do something which I think is wrong too, I’m also scared to death that when she is evicted I won’t even know where or how to find her and she’s just end up dead on the street somewhere and don’t get how they can just dismiss it as well it’s her own fault and let it happen. I don't know where to turn and am worried sick, please help!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 256
Welcome to SR. I am sure someone will be responding to your post soon. I am relatively new to all this, but something I have learned about alcoholism is the 3 c's- you didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. It can be very painful to watch a family member heading towards rock bottom and having to step out of the way and watch it happen. No matter how much you want to save someone, they have to be willing to take the first step and want to change.
Is there a local al-anon meeting today that you can get to?
Is there a local al-anon meeting today that you can get to?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
Hi Darwin. I'm very sorry for your situation. Attending Alanon helped me see that nothing I could do would prevent my AH from drinking. It is the same with your SIL; sometimes the helping even allows them to get deeper into the addition.
I think your husband and his family are at the end of their ropes and have accepted that they did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it. It sounds simple, but to really believe this is important.
Reading the stickies here also helps, as well as reading the current posts. When I first came here I thought "Wow! Every story is like my story." You'll find great advice and support here.
I think your husband and his family are at the end of their ropes and have accepted that they did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it. It sounds simple, but to really believe this is important.
Reading the stickies here also helps, as well as reading the current posts. When I first came here I thought "Wow! Every story is like my story." You'll find great advice and support here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Darwin,
Welcome to SR. Each one of us came here seeking the way to save someone.
Your thread is titled "Please help me", but in essence you want the magical key to save your SIL from herself. Sadly there is no magical key.
A book that might help you see your role is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It is a classic, but I and many others highly recommend it. This book will help you - not your SIL.
Welcome to SR. Each one of us came here seeking the way to save someone.
Your thread is titled "Please help me", but in essence you want the magical key to save your SIL from herself. Sadly there is no magical key.
A book that might help you see your role is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It is a classic, but I and many others highly recommend it. This book will help you - not your SIL.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 4
Thank you very much to all of your for your advice and guidance. I have managed to get an appointment with a support worker for my SIL and will go with her to try and get a plan together for recovery. I have read a great deal about enabling and didn't realise how harmful it was as I've never known anyone with an addiction before. I have resolved to never emotionally disown her, my heart won't let me and I will tell her how much I love her and how proud I will be if she gets sober and straightens out but won't support her alcoholism. I think I'm in for a rough ride but all I can do is what I think best, with love and compassion. I honestly think her family will thank me for it when their anger subsides. They are very hard sometimes in looking at things as purely black or white and they rarely are in my experience, however I think when they have reflected and it isn't as raw they will want to know she's ok. Thank you for taking the time, I'm sure I 'll be back for more advice and these pages are so very helpful in knowing that I'm not alone in my struggle to bring someone back from the grips of addiction. There's always hope isn't there.
I wish you all the peace that you deserve x
I wish you all the peace that you deserve x
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Darwin71 
I think I'm in for a rough ride but all I can do is what I think best, with love and compassion.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Darwin, your SIL's story is very sad and I can see why you would be distressed by her circumstances. As the other's have said, you can't cure her, but you can offer her your support and love which she has lacked up to now. Time will tell whether you end up having enough like her family.
I hope you can keep in touch with your niece; who knows what will happen in the future? I hope your SIL recovers.
I hope you can keep in touch with your niece; who knows what will happen in the future? I hope your SIL recovers.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 4
Update
Hi to all,
Thank you so much for your help with my post last year. It has been quite a task! My SIL is doing really well. I stuck to my guns and helped her and now she no longer drinks, has held down a full time job since October last year and looks so healthy I can't believe that looking back I didn't know something was wrong at the time because she looks so different.
She is seeing a counselor and is trying to get fully well to try and see her daughter. I am very proud of her and very proud to have not written her off but it's not all good news and I've hit a brick wall again. My husband doesn't care and nor do the rest of her family and that is hard. My SIL wrote to her father, brother (my husband) and her aunty & uncle to say how sorry she was and how she was trying to be a better person, she also telephoned her aunty and hit a brick wall there as well. I read the letter & heard the telephone call and it was awful. My SIL didn't ask for forgiveness, she just said she couldn't believe what she had done and how she had hurt them and she knew sorry was not enough but it was all that she had. She was told she would never be forgiven, they had washed their hands, I was too soft for sticking by her and that if she had a conscience then that's good. She was also told it was good to be feeling like she was feeling and now she knows what it's like. By the end of the call she was sobbing and I mean sobbing and I don't understand how people can be so hard. She never received a response to her letter either. I never mention her to my husband or her family as they just put there hand up to me as if to tell me to shut up so I keep it separate. I know they've been hurt but I am almost stunned to silence by their attitude and you can't help but think there is no wonder she ended up in such a state. My family love her like she's their own and I think that is helping but I know that the radio silence from her family is crippling her and I don't want it to damage her progress.
I really don't think she will ever reconcile with her family now, I haven't told her that but I think she knows and I am obviously party to discussions they have had about her and it's like she is the anti christ! Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and his family but hope I never make a mistake or lose my way as it scares me how cold they are. My family and me are the total opposite so it's hard to watch.
She is having counseling as I mentioned but has anyone been in this situation before and should I just quit trying to mend fences and accept that there will be resolution and keep it all separate, how did you handle it? I've never been involved in any kind of family estrangement before so again it's all new ground.
Any help would be really appreciated, thank you.
Thank you so much for your help with my post last year. It has been quite a task! My SIL is doing really well. I stuck to my guns and helped her and now she no longer drinks, has held down a full time job since October last year and looks so healthy I can't believe that looking back I didn't know something was wrong at the time because she looks so different.
She is seeing a counselor and is trying to get fully well to try and see her daughter. I am very proud of her and very proud to have not written her off but it's not all good news and I've hit a brick wall again. My husband doesn't care and nor do the rest of her family and that is hard. My SIL wrote to her father, brother (my husband) and her aunty & uncle to say how sorry she was and how she was trying to be a better person, she also telephoned her aunty and hit a brick wall there as well. I read the letter & heard the telephone call and it was awful. My SIL didn't ask for forgiveness, she just said she couldn't believe what she had done and how she had hurt them and she knew sorry was not enough but it was all that she had. She was told she would never be forgiven, they had washed their hands, I was too soft for sticking by her and that if she had a conscience then that's good. She was also told it was good to be feeling like she was feeling and now she knows what it's like. By the end of the call she was sobbing and I mean sobbing and I don't understand how people can be so hard. She never received a response to her letter either. I never mention her to my husband or her family as they just put there hand up to me as if to tell me to shut up so I keep it separate. I know they've been hurt but I am almost stunned to silence by their attitude and you can't help but think there is no wonder she ended up in such a state. My family love her like she's their own and I think that is helping but I know that the radio silence from her family is crippling her and I don't want it to damage her progress.
I really don't think she will ever reconcile with her family now, I haven't told her that but I think she knows and I am obviously party to discussions they have had about her and it's like she is the anti christ! Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and his family but hope I never make a mistake or lose my way as it scares me how cold they are. My family and me are the total opposite so it's hard to watch.
She is having counseling as I mentioned but has anyone been in this situation before and should I just quit trying to mend fences and accept that there will be resolution and keep it all separate, how did you handle it? I've never been involved in any kind of family estrangement before so again it's all new ground.
Any help would be really appreciated, thank you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 4
Thank you so much.
You know, just saying it outloud (or typing) really helps. You get to where you think you must be some kind of crazed lunatic when people so close react so negatively.
Things are certainly never easy are they.
You know, just saying it outloud (or typing) really helps. You get to where you think you must be some kind of crazed lunatic when people so close react so negatively.
Things are certainly never easy are they.
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