Butterfly

DD informed me tonight that ex A's cousin has recently died and that he is really upset. He has asked both kids to go to the funeral with him for support!! Here's the thing his cousin is really his dad's third wife's nephew who we as in kids and I have never met, I think he met him maybe once or twice, unless he's suddenly become his best friend in th last year but I don't think so!

Anyway, feeling angry that he wants the kids to support him seriously he hasn't supported them since he walked out!! I also want to reach out to him, support him, help him through this. I want to rescue him. I know I cant, I know I shouldn't reach out, part of me thinks I'm being mean if I don't and part of me thinks your not being mean your looking after yourself.

Feeling very unsettled recently and sad.

SparkleKitty

Hi Butterfly. I think you know this is between your kids and him. There will always be a part of their relationships with their father that doesn't have anything to do with you. If they choose to honor his request and go with him, or not to, it's their business.

Also, he knows how to reach out to you for support if he needs it. There's no indication here that he even needs rescuing...and even if there were, you two are separated, heading towards divorce, and not in contact. Letting go of these kinds of instincts to rush in where you have not been invited is going to be a really difficult part of your healing process, but that IS what it is.

I'm sorry Butterfly, I know this is hard on you.

Thumper

Hi Butterfly.

Focus on supporting your kids in whatever they decide to do about the request.

All this angst. He hasn't even asked you for anything. You aren't mean for not doing something you were never asked or expected to do.

Butterfly

Thanks, I know this is about the kids relationships with him and nothing to do with me, guess his request has angered me. i will support them whatever their decision.

Yes your right he hasn't asked me, yet I want to rush in uninvited and help, is this codie behaviour or obsessive and not wanting to let go??

I haven't contacted him, not even to tell him I'm sorry for his loss, guess I feel mean that I haven't.

SparkleKitty

It sounds like a little bit codie, a little bit obsessive, and a little bit not wanting to let go to me -- but it also sounds completely normal considering your long relationship with him. It's part of your learned responses to run in an rescue whether you've been invited or not. It takes time to un-learn and let go of old behaviors.

If you really feel that it's mean, and if you really are sorry for his loss and not just looking for an excuse to contact him, then send him a card as you might any other person you know who'd lost a relative.

Thumper

I would say it is very co-dependent. I have had those feelings too - I want to rush in and save someone else from their pain. It doesn't really make any sense, isn't possible or asked for, kind of conceited although it doesn't feel that way to me at the time. I would feel a sense of panic surrounding other people's bad feelings and like I must alleviate them or something bad would happen. It is not a very functional way to live for you or the other person. It takes time but I mostly do not feel that way anymore. I have to pay attention though because it is kind of a default setting of mine. I hate it when people treat me like that. It feels condescending and disrespectful on the receiving end

Perhaps you could send him a sympathy card with a condolence note inside? That is an expression of your feelings without trying to manage his.

Butterfly

^^^^^^ this is what I need to be careful about because I do want to see him, struggling a lot with my emotions about everything.

I am sorry for his loss, but part of me thinks he is playing on it also, as an excuse to drink or so the kids feel sorry for him. as I said he's a cousin through a very recent marriage to his dad and someone he didn't really know. I feel so guilty for thinking this way. If he is genuinely upset I am sorry for his loss.

SparkleKitty

The situation seems extremely fraught and uncertain. My gentlest advice to you would be to leave it alone, for your own protection.

Butterfly

Yes I think so sparklekitty, I also think that he needs to deal with these things on his own and I think I'm thinking way too much about him, his thoughts, his feelings trying to understand him. I know I need to back away, let go and let God!!

FireSprite

I agree with the others, I think you're looking for reasons to contact him.

In this situation, HE didn't do anything to upset you.... You did. You're the one spending your time dissecting his grief, his reaching out to the kids, etc. He doesn't have to be close to this relative in order to have emotions about his death, he may simply be feeling more mortal hearing this news. No deep meaning.

I would leave it alone; no call, no card. You have no reason to.

Butterfly

Thanks fire and yes your right, I'm upset, I want to reach out I still can't achieve acceptance but I keep working on it.

Thanks sparklekitty and thumper

Latte

What do you feel comfortable with?

If it were me, in that situation, I would ask myself what I was comfortable with. If your children going to the funeral makes you uncomfortable, it's ok to say that and own it and tell your ex that you don't want them to go.

I wouldn't worry about what others thought.

That is just the .02 of someone who sees both sides on a daily basis.

PHIZ007

I agree and understand all of the above.

They are so good at 'helping' us get sucked right back in.....again.

What we need to do is step away from their chaos and look at what is right for us.

Many of us here get exactly where you are right now.

I just wanted to add my support to your thread.

Take care of YOU first and foremost...and the rest will follow...I am struggling with a similar situation right now and keep reminding myself of the facts and what I already know.

It's not always what I/ we want to believe...and it totally sucks!

Sending strength knowledge and support your way.

Take care Phiz

Butterfly

Thanks latte I can't stop the kids from going they are old enough to decide what they want.

Phiz, thanks and sorry your going through a tough time ((((hugs))))

Hawks

What would you like from him if the situation was reversed?

Base your decisions on that I'd suggest.

maia1234

Butterfly,
Send a card. You are thinking of him and sending prayers.

harmless and thoughtful, not a cold bxtch!!

Just my thoughts.

Butterfly

Thanks. I sent a message to his dads wife, it was her nephew just saying sorry for her loss and I was thinking of her.

FeelingGreat

Best way to go B. You tend to take a few steps backwards when you have any kind of contact with him, so keeping your distance is the wisest course.

Sounds a bit fishy that he's grief stricken, but hey....

Butterfly

I agree Feelinggreat, probably use it as an excuse to drink!!

I did contact him a few weeks ago about his mum as she has taken ill and needs an operation just to say hope she gets better soon, but that was his mum. Dont think i need to contact him about someone he doesnt know. thanks everyone, i probably would have made contact stariaght away but came here first.

hopeful4

When my X's grandmother passed I just let the kids go when they wanted w/my X. I gave him my condolences and I did go to the viewing. HOWEVER, I did not stay long. I went out of respect for his family and for my children. I was there maybe 10 mins total.

In this case I would step back and leave it between he and the kids. XXX