MeTwoPoint0

Hello everyone. My question has to do with blackout sex.

My husband is a functional alcoholic. It's a problem we've discussed and gone to therapy for but have never had to deal with head-on. He can go months without drinking, holds a great job, etc. etc. But when he drinks he binges. He hit rock-bottom the other week when he blacked out after a night of partying and woke up the next morning in bed with another woman. He has vague memories of the night's events and remembers drinking heavily, going back to his hotel room with this woman, saying to the woman, "I can't do this, I'm married." And then fast forward to the next morning. When he asked her what happened, the woman told him they did not have sex and that he said he couldn't, he was married. Like a fool, I called the woman to get the details because my husband couldn't remember. I was hoping she would be honest and tell me everything. Of course she denied even knowing him and swore that my husband made everything up. She is also married.

I've seen firsthand how my husband acts when he experiences blackouts. he says and does things he would never do if he were sober. My husband told me immediately after the incident and promised to make amends. He has been going to AA meetings and seeing his therapist. I've attended Al-Anon meetings, bought the daily readers, and am seeing my own therapist.

We had a couples counseling session where our therapist told me my husband was working through his own issues of coming from an alcoholic family. She said that the "cause" of him cheating was not me or our marriage, but his own personal issues that he had been compartmentalizing which eventually manifested through drinking.

I know my husband cheated on me. Blackouts are not an excuse. Whether he had sex or not is impertinent because to me, cheating is doing anything physical with another woman--kissing, touching, etc. I'm still angry and hurt. I don't quite "get" Al-Anon yet and question why I'm the one going to these meetings when he's the one that effed up. Besides, if I had the strength to just leave him, I wouldn't need to attend the meetings anymore, right?

My question is this: is it possible to recover from this and repair a marriage where the spouse has cheated during a blackout? Do I take into consideration the fact that he is taking these steps to work through his issues and overcome alcoholism? He was a wonderful husband and amazing father to our children. Our marriage was solid--not perfect obviously, but solid. He has never been verbally, physically, or emotionally abusive. I truly believe he is a good man with a good heart and that alcohol and his hormones got the best of him.

Can we do this? Can we make it work? Will there come a time when I can truly forgive him and won't have these ugly visuals in my head of him screwing another woman? Any feedback is appreciated. Thank you so much for your input and advice.

ResignedToWait

It seems to me that every question you asked can only be answered by you.
For some, infidelity is an instant deal breaker. For others, they might be able to forgive eventually.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this...but for what it's worth, the fact that he told you everything in such detail, including who it was with, speaks to the fact that he might really be willing to try his best to make it right again. It sounds like he could have just kept quiet and you might not have found out...but he told you anyways. It might just be guilt on his part, but it also might be true regret and yearning for forgiveness. Only time will tell.

honeypig

Hi, MeTwoPoint0. I just wanted to address this part of your post. I think a lot of us started out where you are now, thinking that if only the A and/or the alcohol was removed from our lives, everything would be peachy. That's certainly what I thought. Unfortunately, that's not usually the case. Alcoholism is a family illness, and it affects everyone it touches.

This article might help you see things from a different perspective, regarding why you need help, too:
But I Don’t Want to Go to Al-Anon!

This link can be useful for newcomers, too. It's from the stickied threads at the top of the page.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

I hope you can spend some time reading here. There's a lot of concentrated experience, strength and hope at SR as well as some real tough love, but it's well worth your while, I believe.

Sungrl

For me personally, just my opinion. Cheating for me drunk, sober , is a deal breaker. No explanations, no excuses, I'm done, I could never trust them again after that and I don't want to spend the rest of my life being Sherlock Holmes. Not fair to him or more importantly me. As it got closer and closer to the end of my relationship I wished my X had cheated. Would have made it easy to walk away.

Santa

I'm not seeing the "functional" part of this. Blackouts, waking up in bed with a stranger? It sounds like total chaos and a nightmare.

NWGRITS

There's no such thing as a "functional" alcoholic. They aren't functioning if they need alcohol so bad that they can't give it up. Also, there's no excuse for cheating. Alcohol isn't to blame, the person who committed the act is. It's the same person. If you're going to sweep it under the rug because he was drunk, then look for more "Well, I was drunk" excuses for bad things happening. Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable, period. A cheater is a cheater, whether drunk or sober, and he needs to be treated as such. How much longer are you willing to live like this? If he doesn't choose recovery for himself, it's just going to get worse.

In re: no longer needing Al-Anon, yes you need it. Even if he stops drinking or leaves, you still need it. You chose an alcoholic and are trying to justify his actions because he was drunk. Those aren't healthy or normal decisions. Without Al-Anon, you'll likely just jump into another codependent relationship and then be scratching your head wondering what went wrong. Al-Anon isn't about the alcoholic, it's about YOU. Just like going to therapy would be about YOU.

AnvilheadII

My question is this: is it possible to recover from this and repair a marriage where the spouse has cheated during a blackout?

do you even WANT to? back in the day I was a black out drunk and I never EVER ended up where I didn't want to be. the thing about a blackout - you may be drunk off your AZZ but at the time you know what you are doing - the blackout term refers to not having any memory of the events the next day.

he remembers drinking heavily, going back to his hotel room with this woman, saying to the woman, "I can't do this, I'm married."

he TOOK this woman BACK to his hotel room with him AND he has recall of that fact. and then, supposedly, he claimed he could not go thru with it, he was married, but she spent the night anyways.

it's there. it can't be undone.

we each have different opinions on cheating. what we can live with. for me, it's a dealbreaker. and it would leave me wondering if this was the only time it had happened.......

LvWrAM123

I agree with the above in that blackout infidelity is hardly "functional" anymore, and also that "functional alcoholic" was just a phase he was going through on his way to alcoholic who is messing up stuff in his life-be it trouble at work, with the law, or with his relationship.

Can a marriage recover from alcoholism and infidelity, yes it can. Is that likely to happen in the context of continuing to drink? Doubtful.

If it were me, I would continue to go to al anon and seek therapy on my own. also felt resentful at first-why do I have to go to therapy when you are the one who is messed up? But I have come to realize the part I played-heck, I picked him? and more importantly, the therapy isn't for him, it is for me. Being married to an alcoholic who cheats on you messes with YOUR head, so YOUR HEAD needs an opportunity to get sorted out. I would not choose to stay in and try to work to recover the marriage unless my husband sought more treatment for his alcoholism than he ever had before (because whatever he's done to work on this in the past isn't working), and seemed truly committed to finding recovery for himself and then working on the relationship. With all these ingredients-a true, internal willingness on his part to want to seek help for his addiction and to repair the marriage, and then following through on it with ongoing treatment and a recovery program, you engaging in your own recovery, and then eventually, probably a good marriage therapist and a lot of time, YES, it is POSSIBLE to overcome this and find happiness together. The images in your mind of him with her in that bed, can fade over time. You can come to find a way to reconcile things and build a new future together. BUT, it is HARD WORK and it takes 100% EFFORT, INDIVIDUALLY DRIVEN, by each person in the relationship. And you have to know what your boundaries are moving forward. If he starts drinking again, is that a deal breaker for you? If he cheats (or "tries to" cheat) again? (And by the way, going into a reconciliation, you have to understand that you will never really know for certain what did or didn't happen-personally, I think the perspective of regardless of what happened, that anything at all happened is a breach of the trust/marriage vows is a healthy way to think of it).

Overall, you have to take care of you (and any kids) FIRST. He has to take care of HIS ISSUES (1st of which needs to be addressed is his alcoholism, part of which the treatment should include NEVER DRINKING AGAIN and WORKING A RECOVERY PROGRAM), and THEN, once you both have a healthier, firmer foundation under yourselves, if you still want to, you can work on rebuilding the relationship.

Sorry you are going through this-it's painful and feels personal, even it THEIR actions have everything to do with THEM, and really nothing to do with US. Best of luck to you-

MissFixit

HI,

Some people can get past infidelity, some cannot. Whether or not you can tolerate it is up to you. I would get real involved with therapy whatever you choose.

Cheating is not an accident. You write that he is a good man. I see an A that cheated on his wife. Not good man material in my eyes. You love him and want to see the best in him, we all feel that way about loved ones. However, the "bad" parts of him are just as relevant and a part of him as the good parts.

Can you live with a cheater? Do you want to? Why? The A thing is hard enough to deal with, but add cheating to the mix it is a recipe for disaster. Cheating is one thing, being an A is another, but the combo...you will have to really lower the bar on acceptable behavior just to keep him.

Flavia2

This is my experience and adds a small twist to the stories shared here. At first my (stbx)AH was REALLY apologetic, just like your husband. But these things kept happening and he continued to drink and the bar got lower and lower my husband got less and less apologetic.

Think about what you want to do if the binges are more frequent and he is less apologetic.
I think if he starts drinking again- any relapse at all- you should quit while you are ahead.

mejo

I believe people who are under the influence of a substance make decisions they would not necessarily make had they been sober.

That being said, the deed was done and cannot be undone. The decision is now yours. What do you want? Do you want to forgive? It only helps you, not him. If you stay, there is a looong road of questions, insecurity, and pain to work through. If you leave there is the same road ahead, but always try to remember you are wonderful and this had nothing to do with you. I wish you well.

NWGRITS

I've had the experience of "they'd do it anyway," but alcohol gives them an out when they do go through with it. Alcohol tends to amplify feelings and behaviors that are already present; you just have a harder time restraining them when you're drinking.

Ursula745

I don't see how blackout sex is functional...

Cheating is a deal breaker for me.

Some can make it and deal with it. Me, no...

LaTeeDa

You're going to find a lot of people here who will put the question back on you. I see some have already done that. And really, that's where it belongs. I know this isn't easy to hear or consider but...

Most "normal" people would walk away from this kind of messed up person. It's not a question of whether you two can get through it, but more of a question of why do you want to so badly. I know you're thinking that "he's such a great guy--when he's sober," and "all people have faults," and "he's the love of my life." Truth be told, we all think our alcoholics are special. We all think our love for them and their love for us is special.

So again, the question is not can he get better, will this happen again, or can you get over it. The question is really what do you see in this guy and why do you want to continue spending your one precious life with someone who drinks to excess and ends up in a hotel room with another woman? If you seek the answers to those questions, you will find yourself.

L

whalebelow

Just know that your husband is a good man SOBER

Most alcoholics are .... look at what Bill Wilson did ... SOBER. Gave millions of alcoholics a way out. Can you imagine how hard it was in 1930 something to get help for a wet alcoholic ?

Alcohol does things to your husband that it doesn't do to 98% of the population.

His body craves more & more alcohol when it enters his system, normal social drinkers don't experience this.

How do you as (I assume) a normal drinker feel after 3-4-5-6 drinks ? Like you've had enough & that if you have any more, you might puke or get a dizzy seasick feeling ?

He doesn't ... his body is going MORE & his head is telling him, "Boy, we feel this good after 4 drinks ... imagine how good we'll feel after 8" after 8 his brain is telling him "more, go for 16 drinks now ... its just going to feel better & better"

What happens in black-outs is not cool, I'm not condoning it for a second, but just know, he doesn't start drinking with the things he does in black-outs as his primary thought.

If he is an alcoholic like me, he thinks he'll just have 4 or 5 drinks, it'll be different this time & he'll behave himself & not wake up with another woman next to him.

He'll be deep down, disgusted with himself

LoveMeNow

What advice, if asked, would you give your daughter, your sister or your best friend?

Trust me, I was the best at making excuses for my husband. Three months of separation, with very little contact, gave me a whole new perspective. Yes, I love him still, yes, he is a good man......but he is also so messed up, too messed up for me. I did my time for him. Now, I want my time to be for ME. Alanon and therapy taught me a lot of about self love and self care and that I was not being selfish, as I once believed.

Stung

You're only 50% of that "we". So let's look at it this way. What can you do, on your own to make your marriage work?

You can go to alanon and go to therapy (no shame in either of those things, I do both of them at least weekly and they do help tremendously!) but at the end of the day, you're still only 50% of the "we" equation. Is he attending AA or therapy or doing anything with his ACTIONS to try to change his behaviors or right his wrongs or just giving you a whole lot of lip service?

For me personally, adultery or infidelity is a deal breaker. Sex isn't an accident considering that there are a lot of things that need to happen to lead up to the act. You don't accidentally find yourself in your hotel room without clothes on with a naked stranger. In the timeline of events that leads up to actually having sex there were ample opportunities for him to have shouted at her "no, skank, I'm married! Back away from me!"

I'm sending you hugs and strength.

soberjuly

I was married to a cheater for 8 years. He wasn't an alcoholic. He was gym rat with a blackbelt in karate. I forgive him too many times under the promise that he had changed. He would promise me anything to stop me from leaving. He never changed. I've even had girlfriends of his since email me in desperation saying he cheated them.

Not sure what to say except I never cheated while drunk although I did most of my drinking at home so that may be an unfair comparison and men and women are different.

So I've never had blackout sex but maybe someone who has can help elaborate. The times I've drank so much as to blackout, it was on the very rare times I drank way too much, I'm not much of a binge drinker more like a constant drinker - or I was - and I wouldn't have been able to have sex. I was passed out.

And I don't want to sound vulgar but can men that drunk manage an encounter like that? I would be suspicious but I am just very suspicious after being married to a cheater. I mean the story sounds a little sketchy to me.

You said: I truly believe he is a good man with a good heart and that alcohol and his hormones got the best of him.

It sounds almost like you are giving him permission with that statement or at least excusing his behavior. I don't mean to sound harsh or any disrespect as trust me, I know how hard it is to come here and speak the truth. I want to thank you for coming here and being honest.

I definitely think you need to think long and hard about this. A marital therapist might help.

Oh and not to be a downer but you need to get yourself tested. I went through the same thing and it sucked. If you are embarrassed to go to your regular doctor, there are places that can test you. Or you will just worry about it.

cynical one

Since nobody has mentioned it. I would get tested for STD's, HIV, and Hep and then be sure to use protection each and every time. This may or may not be the first time he's had a sexual encounter while "blackout" drunk.

littlefish

I would agree with the others who point out that the word "functioning" is a useless label.

Once a person becomes addicted to alcohol, regardless of the volume of drinking, the methods, the behavior while drinking or the behavior while sober, they are addicted. and trying to pinpoint their addiction on a spectrum of better or worse is pointless.

My first reaction to the original poster is that these issues should really be separated.

Lots of alcoholics cheat. Lots of alcoholics are faithful. Lots fall into the same sexual behaviors of anyone else. It really isn't common for blackout drinkers to naturally become unfaithful. Two separate issues, just my two cents.