SeekingPeace56

I stumbled upon SR tonight (or rather this morning) after I woke up and found my AH blacked out from drinking whiskey. I could tell he was blacked out because his eyes get very black and small when he is drunk and the tone of his voice goes up an octave. I know all the signs at this point by heart and my sense of smell is so acute, I can detect how many drinks he has had just by how much his skin wreaks.

He is currently passed out in bed. When I found him drunk tonight (he stayed up after I'd gone to bed), I felt that flash of heat travel from the base of my skull down my back. Then the shaking began as the adrenaline wore off. I calmed myself down in the bathroom and I tried not to wake him as I snuck out to the living room to search on the internet for "what to do when your spouse relapses."

My AH doesn't drink during the week usually. He tries to only drink on the weekends and in moderation. Then, usually every three to four months, he gets wasted. He is not violent. And he doesn't go on multi-day benders or spend all our money or miss work. But he does get DRUNK and this can look like anything from blacking out and passing out-- like tonight-- to peeing all over my living room floor to having a psychotic break (threatening to hurt himself, having hallucinations, talking to people who aren't there, crying, begging me not to leave him, etc). In the past, he has hidden drinks around our house. He claims he doesn't do this anymore but it's hard for me to believe it.

I used to have pretty violent reactions to his drunk episodes because I would be terrified. I have done a lot of work and seen therapists who have helped me figure out how to stay calm when I find him drunk. I take a lot of deep breaths, meditate, and try to keep us both safe until he is sober and we can talk about it rationally. But I inevitably lose at least one nights sleep (like tonight).

I don't think my AH thinks of himself as an alcoholic. He believes he drinks when he has an emotional demon to work through. Like tonight, he drank because his grandfather just passed away and he is devastated. He hasn't seen his therapist in a few months and therapy usually helps him work on the stresses in his life that can become "triggers" for drinking too much. His therapist has said that he doesn't think he's an alcoholic and that he believes he can get to a point where this no longer happens.

I am feeling hopeless and devastated that I am "here again." Every time he drinks too much, I question everything. I wonder if I should stay with him. I question how I can support him and not feel so alone myself. I don't have anyone in my life to talk to about this. That's why I'm here. I want my husband to stop drinking entirely but he won't give it up. I've tried threatening to leave but I've realized that's silly. I know it's a disease but it's so hard not to get angry with him. And now that I'm learning how to control my anger, I feel like I'm just numb. I think about leaving him sometimes but there's so much good in our relationship. I do love him and when he's sober, he's my best friend and an amazing husband.

Are there books or other resources anyone would recommend based on what I've described above? How do people with AH's have healthy marriages when trust is so compromised? How do you deal with these once-every-3-month episodes? When do you throw in the towel?

I'm desperate for guidance from people who have "been there"! Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this.