Stung

I've been working on the step one questions and I'm thoroughly stumped as to what I'm supposed to do. I KNOW the "right" answers to every damn question. I know what I'm supposed to say and what the healthy/right response is but there is no grade here so what is the point of having questions where wrong answers and right answers both equate to nothing?

These are emotional questions but at the same time there are wrong answers so the right answer is no, I cannot control anyone ever and I should stop trying to solve other people's problems and instead focus in solving my own problems. That's the right answer. But that's not how I feel. So I'm a little stumped here.

What am I supposed to write? I want to move along to the next step so I'm thinking I should just write out the "right" answers and hope that maybe I feel differently about this stuff later as I move through the steps. OR I can write out the crap that is actually in my mind (which feels like a defiant move because I know damn well that I'm not supposed to want to focus on other people's problems) and hope that my sponsor doesn't think I'm just being argumentative. I'm stumped. I wish this was going to be graded. I would prefer to write a dissertation on steps and know exactly what I have to do to pass.

ladyscribbler

What are the questions? To me step one is more of an attitude, like a fallback question that you ask yourself. Is this my problem? Can I change this situation for the better by interfering? Is it my business?
For my step work, I find that honesty is the best policy. I don't have a sponsor, but I stay accountable by being honest with myself and leading the step meetings every month for my home group. So I am able to share my experiences as a newbie working the steps and gain years of wisdom and insight from my Alanannies. I started last January with step one (I've been in Alanon since October 2013) and just went from there. It's unorthodox, but it works for me. I sort of feel like the whole group is sponsoring me, if that makes sense.

Stung

They are the questions in Paths To Recovery Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions and Concepts.

Do I accept that I cannot control another person's drinking? Another person's behavior?

How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics, and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?

Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?

How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?

What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?

How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?

What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?

How can I let go of others' problems instead of trying to solve them?

Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?

In what situations do I feel excessive responsibilty for other people?

In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else's behavior?

What brought me into alanon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?

And there is like another page and a half of similar questions. I know what I SHOULD be writing but it's not genuine. Like am I looking for a quick fix? Hell yes I am! Do I realize that there isn't one, well yes, I know there isn't one but maybe if I blaze through the steps a quickER fix will show itself to me.

IDK. Maybe it is an attitude thing.

I was the secretary at my last meeting and I share in every meeting that I go to. I understand the concept, I'm just not living it. Does that make sense? Well actually, that's not even right. I'm trying really hard to apply the concepts to my life and in my active decision making processes but it's not the way that I think. Maybe yet. Maybe I will someday but it's not how I think right now although I'm trying to act that way.

Stung

Basically I'm faking it till I make it and I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be faking it with the questions too. Like maybe if I write the answers across the chalkboard enough times I'll start to really believe that I cannot control other people or solve their problems. That's kind of what it feels like.

ladyscribbler

Yeah, I gotcha. The thing about step one is that you really have to feel it for it to work. Lip service isn't going to cut it.
Be honest with your sponsor. I know we all have Codie control issues, but they are all rooted in different things. Maybe time to dig into what's underneath it all for you, then start building your step one foundation. I've been supplementing my Alanon recovery with foo work with my therapist, which has been tremendous. Also working the acoa 12 steps on the other forum. If I'm remembering you're not an acoa but your mom is npd, so that's probably a place to start, especially now that you've gone nc with her. Getting that distance might help you process some of those past issues.

suki44883

Just my own humble opinion, but until you can agree with Step 1, you're really not ready to work the steps...and that's okay! We all move at our own pace.

It's the same as the addict. The first step of AA is to admit that you have a problem. Those who are not ready to admit to a problem may not be able to seek the help they need, and they may be more likely to return to drinking.

Stung

Hmmm…I don't know. It's not that I don't agree, because logically I do. I do recognize that I cannot control alcoholics. I've tried and failed miserably, thousands of people have tried and failed miserably too. On an emotional level I cannot let go though. That's the contradiction that I'm at.

I guess that's my problem. Logically, I get it. I know the answers. Emotionally is a whole different ballgame. How do you change the way that you feel about things? How do you change your emotions? I know not to act on them and I'm really getting much better about that, but how do you not feel your feelings? Does that make sense?

If we're comparing al-anon steps to AA steps, I feel like step one is trying to make me say that I don't want to drink anymore when in reality I know that addicts want to drink but they don't act on it. I do want to influence outcomes still, I'm working really hard on not doing that and recognizing when I am. But I still feel the urge to do it. I still think that certain things should be done certain ways. I try to keep those comments and feelings to myself now rather than forcing them on others.

CodeJob

Hi Stung, I think your last paragraph here is awareness. ^^^

Start with this description with your sponsor and see what they say.

I still am not sure if I accept the disease model of alcoholism. So it burned me not to have the 'right' answer. I read and read and read trying to get my gut to accept the 'right' answer. Finally I saw a statement somewhere that alcoholism is a disease, but there remains an element of choice.

They are your steps, you should answer them for you. Peace!

happybeingme

Stung,

I was once told by a mentor of mine "the greatest distance between two places is between the head and the heart." It sounds to me as if you still have a wall up between the two. Why do you think that is? What would happen to you if you just let go of the control you are trying to force onto others?

Also you are not right in thinking that alcoholics still want to drink. I am a recovering alcoholic. I hit my bottom and surrendered. At that moment I accepted that not only was I not in control over my drinking but I wasnt in control of my life either. The only choice I had if I wanted to live was finding a brand new way and to do that I had to throw away all of my old ways. I did that because I accepted that if they had been working I would not have become an alcoholic. I tore down the wall between my head and my heart

schnappi99

Maybe put down what you honestly think- good bad and ugly- get it all down as accurately as you can & move on. Then come back to it in a month or so and see if you're feeling differently & revise accordingly.

Doesn't help to pretend you're feeling differently than you are. Early one one of my home group people mentioned she needed to really understand what she was trying to let go before she could, which I find to be the case for myself.

Nobody's giving out grades, seems to me this is about awareness. Maybe you become aware you're sometimes a raving lunatic... if so, welcome to the club

FireSprite

Well, I haven't attended Al-Anon but from my POV it seems like answering the questions honestly ~for you~ is what's important. I don't think it's so much about getting them *right* as it is seeing your own, real POV stated clearly so that you can examine your own flaws in black & white.

I may know something about myself that needs improvement, but sometimes knowing it internally is totally different than stating it our loud & taking accountability to change it. Answering them honestly opens up conversation with yourself & others about the issues & hopefully leads to whatever perspective shift you are needing to move on..... so that after that "work" you likely have totally different answers to those same questions, right?

My BFF lives far away so we primarily talk on the phone. She's my accountability partner - we talk recovery-speak allllll the time. (Her husband in an ACoA, had a horribly abusive childhood, has severe PTSD & anger mgmt. issues - her own FOO is jacked up like crazy too.) She knows me well enough to sometimes see me more clearly than I see myself & point things out for me gently; but what I love most is that when I figure something out about myself I can call her & say, "WTF is this about ME that I do/think THIS???" or whatever. She may not be able to help me at that moment, but she listens, I feel better having talked about it & later she sometimes sees how it relates to other things in ways that I was missing, which helps me bring it all together ultimately. Does that make sense??

Rosalba

I guess, for me, there's 'knowing' (as in the 'right' answers) and there's knowing (in the gut). The latter is the only one which is any real use in living my life, though it can be useful to see what a healthy response would be - as I come from a family which is bat-**** crazy. It lets me know whether or not I've got there yet.

I'd see the questions as yielding information as to where I'm at, as opposed to being an examination that you pass or fail. For example: 'Do I accept that I cannot control another person's drinking?' If I'm telling myself 'Yes' (the 'right' answer) but at the same time am trying to keep tabs on them, arguing with them etc, the answer for me is obviously 'No'. That's a message to me that I need to work on detachment. In Alanon I've found this easier when focusing on my own recovery, handing over to a Higher Power and recognising that the other person is responsible for themselves and their own decisions - just as I'm responsible for mine.

If I were working through a questionnaire listing the symptoms of, say, cancer, and knew what all the answers would be for a healthy person - and then went on to list my answers as the 'right' ones, I'd regard it as a bit of a pointless exercise if I were ignoring abnormal bleeding, lumps in the wrong places and skin lesions. The latter would tell me that I need help. In Alanon that help would come in the form of a sponsor, and discussing areas of difficulty and feeling stuck is exactly what a sponsor's there for. After all, if none of us had any codie issues there would be no need for Alanon.

Another very useful concept in !2-Step programs is the notion of 'One Day at a Time'. Be gentle with yourself.

Ann

Step one simply requires us to admit that we have a problem (heck yeah! I did) and that our lives have become unmanageable (well, I managed my life just fine in a most dysfunctional way until it made me sick so...heck yeah! to that one too).

The questions are for self-reflection, for honest admission of how the main part of the step affects us individually.

There are no right or wrong answers, the right answer is the honest answer that we know deep down inside. The steps are not a quiz or exam, we don't pass or fail. We simply learn what they mean and how they apply to our lives and then embrace the opportunity to use them to guide us to a healthier way.

It took me quite a while to work the first three steps. When I tried to skip past them and get on with Step 4 and those that followed, I always crashed. There is a reason the steps are in the order they are in...they build a foundation for our recovery, one step at a time. It's okay to take whatever time you need. It's okay to ask lots of questions, a good sponsor can help you with all of this.

Relax and just be honest with yourself and proceed at whatever pace you need.

Hope this helps.

Hugs

readerbaby71

The way you feel isn't going to change overnight. I think it's a matter of acceptance, not rightness, which is sooooooo hard for us perfectionistic control freaks!

Florence

For me, this step was resolved in my one on one therapy, and not "in the rooms" as it were. Also with a combination of humbling experiences, relapses, and discoveries involving my XAH that reminded me over and over again that my words and rules had little to no effect on his recovery, other than driving him further into secrecy.

m1k3

For me step one is the most important step. It is about giving up the illusion of control.

I actually worked step one here on the forum about three years ago with a lot of help from LexyCat. We took a more Buddhist rather than Al-Anon perspective.

For me what it came down to was the ONLY thing in the entire universe that I have control over is how I choose to respond to what is happening in my life. Internal as well as external.

I can't control how others will behave, I can't control what is going to happen, I can't control what thoughts and emotions will pop up in my head or when they will pop up.

But I have learned through a mindfulness practice that I can control how I respond to them. Old me ran on auto pilot. Something happened and I reacted. I thought or felt something and I reacted. No thought, nothing, just automatic reactions.

By embracing this step I have learned to slow down, calm down and look at reality as it is, not how I want it to be. I can choose how I respond, I don't have to automatically jump straight to angry, hurt, upset, frustrated or disappointed.

By giving up the illusion of control I set down a tremendous weight I was carrying. The funny thing is I really didn't give up anything because I never really had any control to begin with.

Your friend,

Hammer

Bless your pointy little accountant head!

I suspect YOU CANNOT! AND it makes your life rather unmanageable?

Except when you try to "white knuckle" control your emotions?

[once it sinks in that may lead to some compassion for the other side. Dunno. Had/have a hard time with that sometimes.]

gee. Cannot control things. Downright Powerless over them . . . especially yourself . . . Does that sound like Step 1?

You are doing fine. Go, Girl.

Stung

Ahhhh…I understand now. I'm putting healthy answers even though I'm not really exhibiting healthy thinking.

The cool thing about my sponsor is that she's super laid back and doesn't actually expect me to answer any of the questions but to just think about them, write about a few of them and then we'll chat about my thoughts. I'm not handing anything into her, although I think that would be easier for me because it's what I'm comfortable doing. But maybe that's the point.

I'll just be honest with her then and try to not be argumentative, but she's super smart and I don't think she'll judge me. Last week she asked me if I wanted to be right or happy. I said happy but thought to myself that I am happy when I'm right…

I did talk to my counselor about this earlier this week and she said basically the same thing as ReaderBaby, that this is going to be tough for me because I think in black and white and that I try to do things perfectly. She said that I need to stop 'should-ing' all over myself which is something that perfectionists tend to do and it's funny because I actually did write should a few times last night. Because I do feel like this should be easier and it's frustrating me that it's not.

I have another week before I need to talk about the steps with her. I'll just keep letting the concept marinate on my brain and see if it soaks it up a little more.

m1k3

Take your time and be gentle with yourself. The steps aren't a one time deal. I find that I'll come back to this step over and over and I gain new insights.

Recovery is journey not a destination.

Your friend,

readerbaby71

Who isn't!? hahahha