courage2

Crowd-sourcing a question to SR: In thinking about friends -- in my past, and what it would be like now to make a friend -- it occurs to me that I may not have the notion of friendship correctly defined. Forgive me if I'm obscure about this, but just imagine you were responding to an alien from another planet and species.

What defines a friend for you, especially now?

Thanks for your input!

PurpleKnight

Close to the top of the list in the context of alcoholism, they would have to accept my decision to be Sober, and not question it, then expanding on that, accepting any major life decision that I make and stand by me, especially when it's to do with my health!!

ScottFromWI

I view a friend as someone with common interests that I enjoy spending time with. Sobriety really hasn't changed that.

lostinthetrees

I think I know where you're coming from. I don't have any answers, but I can certainly relate. I spent a lot of my life hanging around people for the sake of "partying." I've lost contact with almost all of these people because one of the few things we had in common (our lust for intoxication) is something that I have made a conscious decision to walk away from. What else bound us together as friends? In many cases, nothing.

This is, of course, my experience and the way that I have chosen to establish relationships throughout much of my life. Certainly there are many folks out there that maintain meaningful relationships with their former drinking/using buddys.

I'm at a point in my life where I've moved away from my hometown, and now I've stuck around the college town that I moved to for so long that all of my college friends have moved on. It's pretty much me and my girlfriend.

The relative isolation has made things easier in my early sobriety, but I know I need/want to branch out and engage in some sober, meaningful friendships. It's just a lot harder said than done at this point...

I hope you find your answer.

courage2

Thank you, PK, Scott, and lostinthetrees. I'm bumping this in hopes of a few more responses.

Maybe these questions will help:

• Do you see/talk to your friends often, or can I count someone I haven't seen since 1984? (but who otherwise meets Scott's definition, or used to).
  
• Can you share few interests with a friend, but like their personality? (What about someone you met because your children were the same age, and you have nothing else in common, and your children are grown, but you still kind of like them, is that a friend?)
  
• Do you have to trust your friends?

P.S. My own definition will exclude blood relatives and lovers. Those people have their own categories, which might overlap but are different.

SoberComposer

I guess mutual respect and a certain level of enjoyment.

Jtf7

If I'm coming back from a trio, I can ask him or her to pick me up at the airport. If I'm moving, I can ask him or her to help me.

These are the characteristics of a friend.

Dee74

My true friends are those who accept me as is and vice versa...some I see daily or weekly ...some I haven't seen in years.

two quotes nail it for me:

One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood. Seneca

and somewhat more prosaically;

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. Walter Winchell

D

courage2

Thanks to SR, through its discreet silence, for finally letting me realize that question was wrong. A better question is, how can I be a friend?

silentrun

I am friends with anyone who gets me. I actually don't share a lot of the same interests as my friends. Most of my really good friends I spotted before I even knew anything about them except for their personalities. A lot of my friends have ADD. I don't have it but I love that no filter thing.

RobbyRobot

Being the kind of friend to others you want returned from others is a sure way to go with being a friend. Openness and honesty, loyalty and honor, service and companionship. Good times, sad times, bad times - these all create the lasting bonds of a solid friendship. Compassion and empathy, patience and enjoyment, and of course shared likes and dislikes to a comfortable level.

An interesting question, courage.

Are you turning a page in your friendship experiences, if I may ask?

Dee74

I learned the best way to be a friend - a real friend - is not to be afraid to be the real me.
It's quite a journey getting to that point tho

D

courage2

Wow. That's a lot of strange stuff to learn. I don't think I've ever managed that whole set with anyone, maybe 4/10 at the most. Sometimes this life now makes me dizzy.

Gilmer

Look for someone you respect--someone you have confidence that you can trust--then give her of your very best. Listen attentively when she speaks, and be empathetic when she shares deep things. Give her the benefit of knowing you truly, also; a true friend is someone with whom you can share your inmost heart--and she still likes you! Vice versa for you--your friend should be someone you genuinely like and admire.

courage2

Gilmer, I love you dearly, but you have to understand how many foreign words are in that sentence -- respect, confidence, trust, genuine, inmost heart. LOL you're flying and I'm still crawling.

Gilmer

I seem to be a friend to more people than are my friends. In many ways I relate much more deeply and genuinely with the folks on SR than the ones in my social circle--even my family.

I feel very fortunate to be able to embrace the concept of an HP. I can confide my deepest, darkest dirt to him, and he still loves me.

RobbyRobot

No worries. Its really just experiential learning. No shame or otherwise feeling uneasy for lack of experience, so forget about it, lol.

You'd perhaps be surprised what you already know when given a chance with real friendships. I'll tell ya something bout me, courage - I'm still a child at heart when it comes to friendships. A friend of the heart is much more satisfying than wrapping my head around whatever complexities adults bring to friendships, lol.

As for dizzy, yeah me too sometimes. Not to worry. Its all part of the weather when we change up our game.

courage2

Robby, I'm not too worried about it, but thanks for the kind words When I try to worry, I get this weird buzzing in the back of my skull that reminds me that there's a hive of bees still in there, hibernating. And so I say, what, me worry? Another time. I have some people in my life, more than I've been used to. We'll see if I can cultivate some of my relationships, instead of cutting them to the quick.

Gilmer, I think you're fortunate, in many many ways, & we all are. 100 years ago I was working in a storefront school on the south side of Chicago and a 14 year old girl just slammed one of the gangbangers who was putting up a front by saying, "You think you're hard. None of us is hard. All the hard ones are dead." I never forgot it. It was only partly bs. By being the losers who couldn't take the game anymore, the soft ones, we're the lucky ones, too.

2muchpain

It would be great to find people to hang around with that accept me for who I am, both the good and the bad. People that are honest and that I can trust to talk to. Unfortunately this has not happened and maybe never will. I've become comfortable with this; the Serenity Prayer helps with this a lot. Thank god I like my own company!!