Scared going forward
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 1
Scared going forward
Hi all, this is my first post here, although I've been reading threads on this website for quite a few months here. I am feeling particularly down today so I am posting this thread.
And warning, this is a long read.
As of today I have been sober for about 2.5 months, and have even quit smoking cigarettes as of 47 days now. For many this would be a proud achievement, however I am not like the "many".
I am 20 years old, have already been arrested for drunk driving, have totaled 3, YES THREE, vehicles while driving drunk, have messed with pain pills, prescription stimulants weed and hallucinogenic drugs. Alcohol has always been my drug of choice because of the immense relief it offers me from the overwhelming anxiety and depression I live with everyday. Unfortunately after the alcohol leaves my system I am left even more anxious and depressed for at least a few days. This is the cycle I have learned about quite quickly.
I did not touch a single drug or drink a single drop of alcohol until a few days after my 18th birthday. I found 4 bottles of liquor in a garage next to the house me and my mother and brother were renting. I stupidly tried the alcohol and have been hooked ever since.
After discovering alcohol my mother was admitted to inpatient hospital treatment for the third time in 1 year for schizophrenia. Since I was living with my mother and going to school I was forced to drop out of college and move in with my grandmother 50 miles away. A few months later my best friend died while driving drunk. I was the last person to see him alive and that still haunts me to this day. This threw me into the depths of alcoholism even deeper, and I then found myself drinking at least every other day.
In early 2012 I stopped drinking for a few weeks time with minimal effort, although I found myself craving and obsessing about alcohol for the entire three weeks I was dry. I caved and drank again, very heavily, after my then-girlfriend cheated on me and broke up with me. This caused hard feelings of inadequacy in my life, and made me feel like I am not good enough for anyone. Back to my friend, The Bottle, I went, this time no holds barred. For the next two years I drank nearly every day to varying degrees of drunkenness depending upon how early I worked the next day.
During this entire time period I was living with my grandma rent free and had little responsibility, giving me more time to devote towards drinking, smoking weed and abusing pills.
In June of 2013 I moved in with my Aunt in a larger town in the hopes of getting a job and attending college. I had a brief period of sobriety (2 weeks) after moving in with my Aunt. This period lasted until I found their cooler full of liquor, which I happily indulged in, unbenonced to them. While again drinking and smoking weed I managed to work a part time job while attending community college. For the first time in a while I felt like I was doing something positive with my life! I was happy, or so I thought.
During this time I routinely drove drunk, at least 3-4 nights per week. There were many times I do not remember leaving a particular friends house, only to wake up in my own bed in the morning with my car still running and the door wide open. This all came to an end in November 2013 when I crashed my car while driving blacked out and was arrested for DWI at the age of 20. This threw me into an even deeper pit of despair and I ramped up my drinking to astronomical levels, meanwhile holding down a POS job at McDonald's which I would routinely show up drunk and high to.
2.5 months ago I made the decision that enough was enough. I called my dad and moved into his house, which is where I am currently staying. One of the conditions of moving into his house was that I would not be allowed to drink or use drugs. I have so far been able to comply with these rules, which has resulted in about 80 days sober.
However, there is not a day that goes by where I do not think about alcohol or drugs in some way shape or form. I have been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder as well as depression by a doctor and prescribed Zoloft. I ripped the prescription up and needless to say did not start the medication, for fear that it would make me feel better, thus taking away a reason to drink! This type of logic is simply absurd and it makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with my brain??
Just today I received word that one of my former drinking buddies took his own life. While I hadn't seen this friend in months, it still breaks my heart that things got so bad he had to kill himself, and he was only 20!
Now don't get me wrong, I do enjoy sobriety. The problem is that I don't know how I will keep it once I move out of my dad's house. I will then have complete free will and free reign over my actions, and I make the dumbest decisions when I am drunk. It was suggested by numerous people that I attend AA meetings. I would go to these meetings but my social anxiety is so severe that I cannot physically bring myself to attend!
I guess the point I'm getting at is that I am scared of the future. Alcohol has cost me thousands of dollars, three vehicles, a DWI ticket, multiple trips to the hospital for alcohol poisoning, after only drinking for TWO years! I am posting here just to get some of this off my chest as I think it will make me feel better, and take the tremendous urge to run away and find a bottle of liquor off my mind, especially dealing with the news today. I want to see a psychiatrist but am too anxious to pick up the phone and make the call. My life is a mess already at such a young age, and I'm not even old enough to purchase liquor yet.
Thanks for reading and I would appreciate all support I can get going foward
And warning, this is a long read.
As of today I have been sober for about 2.5 months, and have even quit smoking cigarettes as of 47 days now. For many this would be a proud achievement, however I am not like the "many".
I am 20 years old, have already been arrested for drunk driving, have totaled 3, YES THREE, vehicles while driving drunk, have messed with pain pills, prescription stimulants weed and hallucinogenic drugs. Alcohol has always been my drug of choice because of the immense relief it offers me from the overwhelming anxiety and depression I live with everyday. Unfortunately after the alcohol leaves my system I am left even more anxious and depressed for at least a few days. This is the cycle I have learned about quite quickly.
I did not touch a single drug or drink a single drop of alcohol until a few days after my 18th birthday. I found 4 bottles of liquor in a garage next to the house me and my mother and brother were renting. I stupidly tried the alcohol and have been hooked ever since.
After discovering alcohol my mother was admitted to inpatient hospital treatment for the third time in 1 year for schizophrenia. Since I was living with my mother and going to school I was forced to drop out of college and move in with my grandmother 50 miles away. A few months later my best friend died while driving drunk. I was the last person to see him alive and that still haunts me to this day. This threw me into the depths of alcoholism even deeper, and I then found myself drinking at least every other day.
In early 2012 I stopped drinking for a few weeks time with minimal effort, although I found myself craving and obsessing about alcohol for the entire three weeks I was dry. I caved and drank again, very heavily, after my then-girlfriend cheated on me and broke up with me. This caused hard feelings of inadequacy in my life, and made me feel like I am not good enough for anyone. Back to my friend, The Bottle, I went, this time no holds barred. For the next two years I drank nearly every day to varying degrees of drunkenness depending upon how early I worked the next day.
During this entire time period I was living with my grandma rent free and had little responsibility, giving me more time to devote towards drinking, smoking weed and abusing pills.
In June of 2013 I moved in with my Aunt in a larger town in the hopes of getting a job and attending college. I had a brief period of sobriety (2 weeks) after moving in with my Aunt. This period lasted until I found their cooler full of liquor, which I happily indulged in, unbenonced to them. While again drinking and smoking weed I managed to work a part time job while attending community college. For the first time in a while I felt like I was doing something positive with my life! I was happy, or so I thought.
During this time I routinely drove drunk, at least 3-4 nights per week. There were many times I do not remember leaving a particular friends house, only to wake up in my own bed in the morning with my car still running and the door wide open. This all came to an end in November 2013 when I crashed my car while driving blacked out and was arrested for DWI at the age of 20. This threw me into an even deeper pit of despair and I ramped up my drinking to astronomical levels, meanwhile holding down a POS job at McDonald's which I would routinely show up drunk and high to.
2.5 months ago I made the decision that enough was enough. I called my dad and moved into his house, which is where I am currently staying. One of the conditions of moving into his house was that I would not be allowed to drink or use drugs. I have so far been able to comply with these rules, which has resulted in about 80 days sober.
However, there is not a day that goes by where I do not think about alcohol or drugs in some way shape or form. I have been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder as well as depression by a doctor and prescribed Zoloft. I ripped the prescription up and needless to say did not start the medication, for fear that it would make me feel better, thus taking away a reason to drink! This type of logic is simply absurd and it makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with my brain??
Just today I received word that one of my former drinking buddies took his own life. While I hadn't seen this friend in months, it still breaks my heart that things got so bad he had to kill himself, and he was only 20!
Now don't get me wrong, I do enjoy sobriety. The problem is that I don't know how I will keep it once I move out of my dad's house. I will then have complete free will and free reign over my actions, and I make the dumbest decisions when I am drunk. It was suggested by numerous people that I attend AA meetings. I would go to these meetings but my social anxiety is so severe that I cannot physically bring myself to attend!
I guess the point I'm getting at is that I am scared of the future. Alcohol has cost me thousands of dollars, three vehicles, a DWI ticket, multiple trips to the hospital for alcohol poisoning, after only drinking for TWO years! I am posting here just to get some of this off my chest as I think it will make me feel better, and take the tremendous urge to run away and find a bottle of liquor off my mind, especially dealing with the news today. I want to see a psychiatrist but am too anxious to pick up the phone and make the call. My life is a mess already at such a young age, and I'm not even old enough to purchase liquor yet.
Thanks for reading and I would appreciate all support I can get going foward
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
Hi Firecat - and welcome 
I know well the fear that when left to my own devices my compulsion to get drunk and high would win...and it did, for many years.
But...we are all capable of change
I found the help and support (and the occasional kick in the butt) here really helped me turn things around.
I used to drink all day everyday...I'm now well into my seventh year sober.
Change really can and does occur...if you have the desire for it
D
I know well the fear that when left to my own devices my compulsion to get drunk and high would win...and it did, for many years.
But...we are all capable of change
I found the help and support (and the occasional kick in the butt) here really helped me turn things around.
I used to drink all day everyday...I'm now well into my seventh year sober.
Change really can and does occur...if you have the desire for it
D
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Well Firecat, as you read up around here, you'll find you are an amateur at this whole drinking/drugging thing comparatively. Good thing you've decided at a young age to do something about it. We're here to help.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: n/a
Posts: 225
Welcome to the forum fire cat read and keep posting . I'm only on my 1000th day 1 but I've hit rock bottom and I'm seeking the same you are sobriety and not knowing if I can do it always have worries in the back of my mind. Congrats in 2.5 months sober I haven't had that much time in the past 5 years.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Northern Ireland
Posts: 290
Welcome Firecat! You're in a great place and will find loads of support here.
Don't worry too much about what things will be like when you are left to your own devices. Hopefully, when you leave your Dads house you will gain strength and confidence from staying sober without anyone checking up on you.
Good luck
Don't worry too much about what things will be like when you are left to your own devices. Hopefully, when you leave your Dads house you will gain strength and confidence from staying sober without anyone checking up on you.
Good luck
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