notevensure

My boyfriend and I have been together for five years but he began to drink more the last six months or so, when he started a new job. He was also so busy, we spent less time together.

He recently had a seizure (never had one before) and it came out how much he really had been drinking recently. He was hiding it from me and lying about it, which wasn't difficult because he would work so much and then drink after, on nights I didn't see him. He is clearly an alcoholic now.

He started addiction therapy about a month ago and I agreed to forgive him for lying and support him so long as he was taking his addiction seriously and getting help. He also cannot drink for four months due to the seizure.

Two weeks ago, he showed up completely drunk and denied it - right to my face. He was slurring his words. I cannot believe he would lie to me yet again, when I'm trying to support him through this. So I made the hardest decision of my life and broke up with him, took his key, cleaned out his things, and sent him home.

We haven't spoken since.

This is all really unexpected for me. I love him and he is a wonderful person, drinking aside. I had no idea this was even going on, as he did it after he got home from work late. Now it’s completely out of control and I don’t know what to do.

He is still getting help, but I have no idea how it’s going as I haven't spoken to him. I feel like I got dumped because I felt backed into a corner to make this decision. I can't be with a drunk who lies to me. I can't help him if he lies to me. And the worst part is this JUST happened after five years of a perfectly fine relationship. He doesn't drive drunk, or get abusive or mean when he drinks. Nothing like that. He’s so early in, but clearly it’s out of control.

What should I do? Wait until he cleans up and comes to me? I’m worried about his health. I hope losing me will motivate him to get better.

Thank you all so much. The no contact is killing me, as I just want to help him so badly. But clearly my support didn't help at all. Anyone else have a similar issue?

Blossom717

Hugs. Give yourself time to grieve. Don't be hard on yourself. You know what you need to be healthy and happy and you did it.

Its hard to do the no contact because we as spouses of alcoholics (co dependents) are basically addicted to the alcoholic. So no contact is going cold turkey from our addiction in a sense. But you can't be worried about his health more than you own health. Live your life, take it day by day.

honeypig

Hi, notevensure, and welcome to SR. I applaud your very strong and healthy decision to end a relationship full of lies. That says a lot about you and your perspective on life, and it's all good!

First of all, I'd suggest you read here as much as you have time for. It sounds like you could use some education about alcoholism, and this is a great place to get it. Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page. This is an example of what you'll find in the stickies: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

You mention that his alcoholism seems to be something that came up suddenly. That may be, but it's far more likely that he's been drinking much more than you know for much longer than you know. You don't say if the seizure was from alcohol or from alcohol withdrawal, but either way, seizures don't happen to those who've just started drinking heavily. His coming to you, clearly drunk, slurring, yet denying he'd been drinking, also sounds like someone who's been at it for a while.

Alcoholics are incredibly resourceful and incredibly good at concealing their alcohol use, so it's not surprising that you'd not know what was going on. Why would you even suspect this sort of thing? After all, he appears to be a "wonderful person, drinking aside", right?

Notevensure, this forum is littered w/posts about people who are wonderful, drinking aside. The unfortunate thing is that the wonderful person and the person who drinks, lies and denies are one and the same. They can't be separated. And since alcoholism is a progressive disease, you'll see less and less of the one side and more and more of the other.

Your ABF certainly can recover; it happens all the time. But he needs to be the one to want it, to work for it, to make it a priority. You can't really help him. Who you can help is you. Again, educating yourself about alcoholism is a great start. Reading and posting here will certainly help. And if you like face-to-face support, you may want to look into Alanon.

Glad you found us, glad you've taken the first steps to take care of yourself. I wish you strength and clarity.

Rosalba

The only way he is going to recover from his alcoholism is if he recognises the problem FOR HIMSELF, and decides that he wants to do something about it. Only he can do this, and most alcoholics don't. There is nothing, literally nothing, you can do to help him. Maybe losing you will cause him to look at his life again, maybe it won't. Either way, the decision rests with him and there's nothing you can do to change it.

You are right to cut him off and cut him out of your life; the alternative would have been to endure more craziness which would have profoundly damaged you in the long term. It sounds as though you need help and support in handling your own painful feelings right now - as others have said, there are plenty of resources on this board which will educate you about alcoholism, and help you make sense of it (in so far as it's possible to make sense of something which is essentially senseless!) and you can always come here for support.

After I'd split with my alcoholic ex-partner, I don't know what I'd have done without Alanon. Their support was beyond rubies, and if you'd rather have here-and-now contact than deal with this online, it may work for you.