landminesgirl

It's been a while since I've posted, I linger every now and then. I've been "trying" to get sober for a few years, and this time I upped the ante by full disclosure to,my husband and friends. So I have support, which helps. I've also started going to meetings at my church called celebrate recovery. I'm not sure yet if it's helping. Here's my question.....I'm 50 days without a drink - by FAR the longest I've gone outside 2 pregnancies since college (20 years ago). It hasn't been terrible, especially bc my husband has decided to abstain as well (he does NOT have a problem, could take it or leave it.) Sure there have been situations that were tougher than others - 4th of July party, restaurant on the inner harbor, etc. But for the most part it hasn't been terrible.

So....my mind is trying to make me think that means I don't have a problem. But I know I do - I can't have just one. I won't stop until I'm drunk....2 bottles of wine later. I'll hide it under the sink so my husband won't see it. I'll put it in a water bottle so I can drink it on my way to my sons baseball game. It will destroy my wonderful life if I don't stop - I do not know how to do moderation.

50 days is awesome. But in some ways I feel more vulnerable than I did at the beginning. Because I find myself thinking that maybe I don't have a problem....but I know I do.

Does anyone else experience this?

Nonsensical

In this community it is harder to find people it doesn't happen to.

In 25+ years that voice has not told me one true thing. It's all been lies. I stopped taking advice about things that are important to me from a known liar. I highly recommend it.

Congrats on 50 days.

Nuudawn

Yes, I have fallen for that trick. Gave up 4 months of sobriety last year over that little conjob. I hear ya.

freshstart57

This inner conflict is the nature of addiction. Anyone else? Yes, you betcha. If there is no conflict, no inner dialogue telling us to stop, we just keep drinking.

There are very powerful and successful ways of dealing with this inner self-destructive dialogue. I hope you find yours. When you do, this voice won't be frightening to you any more because you will understand then that it is powerless to control your behaviour.

You can do this most certainly, landminesgirl. Believe in yourself, believe you deserve a life without this garbage, and go get it. Onward!

zerothehero

It took awhile, but when that voice tries its trickery, I can honestly respond that I am happier and enjoying life much more sober than during my last years of drinking. I have to remember that when I drank I felt worse physically, and I was mostly just sticking my head in the sand. Do I miss that initial buzz after a couple of drinks? Sometimes. But it's a trade off, and truth be told, that buzz is nothing special. Besides, if I could stop at one or two consistently I wouldn't have quit drinking in the first place.

Soberpotamus

Yes, been there and done it, unfortunately. It's the nature of the beast that is addiction to try and convince you in any way it can to continue drinking. Don't believe a word of it!

Fly N Buy

Almost 60 days sober ......I hear that AV daily. Then I recall some crap I did in last year. Check out some of my previous posts if you need an object lesson of why I consider myself a true Alkeyholic.......

Those incidents pretty much tell my AV to shut the hell up.
Now, that said - I have no moral high ground and realize my sobriety is based on doing certain things - for me it's daily meetings, morning mediation, prayer etc. But I know I am highly susceptible at anytime.

Sobriety is such a gift I don't want to give it back!

PurpleKnight

My mind tries to convince me of that from time to time, but why would the results be any different to the last time I drank? how does abstinence now allow me to control alcohol? when I break it all down in my mind, it's a load of nonsense!!

I have no more control over alcohol now than when I was drinking, so the solution is to not allow alcohol back into my life, it makes sense to me!!

Inchworm

Oh, my. What fantastic company we have here! Landminesgirl, keep up the good work and stay real! I love that you know right where I was a mere few hours ago.

SoberBike

Great post. As of late this has been my biggest struggle. I am just over six months sober and my AV has been telling me "you know you can moderate like everyone else". It is defiantly a battle every week that I face. I just keep reminding myself that I will never be able to moderate, I will be back to drinking 35-40 beers and feeling like crap the next day. I too am looking for extra tools to get through some of these moments. Good luck!

SoberHoopsFan

Bingo, that voice lies every time. I will have a problem with alcohol if I drink it until the day I die, whether I'm sober 60 days (currently), 60 months, or 60 years. Identifying AV as lies is huge to staying sober.

Ptcapote

Good on 50 days landminesgirl! That's awesome!

As everyone else has said, we ALL have been through that. Some of us (me) have listened to it more times than not. It always, always, turns out the same way. I don't think in the almost two years I have been on here that I have yet to see someone come back and say "Yay! I'm cured, now I can moderate!" I'm not a betting girl but I'd bet ninety-nine per cent that it won't happen.

We're addicts. We have addict's brains. Your husband, who can take it or leave it, is normal or has a non-addicted brain. Our brains will never be happy with one or two or twelve. Like you, I also would think, "One or two glasses of wine and then I'll stop." Which worked maybe for a week. A month, maybe. Then it'd be right back to two bottle a night...or more. Usually more. Each time I went back, I needed more.

As you get further along, that voice will lessen in its intensity and frequency. It'll likely never go away but you'll learn to either shut it out or ignore it most of the time. I rarely hear it anymore (18 months) but it does pop in occasionally, usually when I am stressed or some other trigger (travel, good dinner) arises. That's why support is vital. Hop on here, go to a meeting, read something or distract yourself. The more you get used to ignoring it, the less you'll hear it.

You're doing great, hang in there. It does get better and better. (And easier too!)

least

Sometimes in recovery we think that abstinence means control, and it does not. Just because we abstained for a period of time doesn't mean we can drink normally again. We passed that point long ago. The only safe amount of alcohol for me is none.


Congrats on fifty days sober!

johnnybsober

I have been sober just 21 days. I to cannot control my drinking. I know that I am one beer away from a case.

I personally have accepted that I can't drink. Not one not ever. I went through hell while drinking. Why would I want to go back.

Plus if I were ever to get back to that hell I don't know if I would have the strength to get out again. I will just stay sober thank you.

DeannaM77

I totally agree with this. After a while you start to feel good again and think you can handle just 1 or 2. If anything just to celebrate. Any excuse was always a reason for me to drink.

DeannaM77

Congrats on 50 days. Only 2 weeks here. Seems longer.

DisplacedGRITS

I too suffered from the elusion that abstinence is the result of self control. Alas, it is most definitely not! For myself, abstinence is the result of my lack of control. If i could control my drinking, i would drink like a lady and enjoy it. The only control i have is by living a life where alcohol isn't an option and isn't even desired. One way that i've done this is by practicing radical honesty with myself and others and by accepting myself for who i am. I'm Lisa and i'm an alcoholic. Even when i'm sober, i am an alcoholic. It's like my fingerprints, it doesn't change. It never will. The good thing is that while i have to be an alcoholic, i never again have to be a suffering alcoholic.

Every day i wake up, i see that i have two paths in front of me. One path is walking in honesty and acceptance. It involves me staying plugged into the world and my network of sober alcoholic friends. It requires that i be of service, be in control of my emotions and that i not make or hold resentments and anger. There is a level of self discipline in there but once you start your day on that path, the path becomes more clear.

The other path is one where i walk in lies and fear. I wake up and i tell myself the lie that everything's okay and i'm in control. I tell myself that i don't need anyone's help or opinion on my life. I lie to my husband about how i'm feeling, i work not for the joy of working but for money and distraction, i think about what i need and build resentments against what i don't have. The world isn't the beautiful place i exist in. It becomes the enemy i must constantly fight. Fear settles in and the only relief i have is alcohol. I lie that it will be different. I don't accept help and i don't accept who i am. I live in a constant state of fear of the world and fear of myself. I try to manage other people and make the think what i want them to think about me. I put on a mask and i live in obsession of maintaining that facade while drinking to cope. I no longer desire a connection with the world. I chase after oblivion. I find myself confused, angry, scared and alone in a prison of my own making.

Waking up and accepting myself for who i am, warts and all, is a beginning. Asking my personal Higher Power to guide me and let me be of service is another great start. Plugging in to other sober alcoholics, especially when i don't want to, is huge. It gets me out of my monkey mind and lets me connect to the world again. Alone, we die. Together, we live. When sober alcoholics come together, we invariably find that we are greater than the sum of our parts. Fellowship, honesty, acceptance, trust in a Higher Power, humility...all of these things are absolute daily necessities to me, as much as water and food. When i get resentful about something, i tap into those necessities and it reminds me of what is truly important in my life and serenity and gratitude flow into my soul. And that is why i no longer need to drink.

Meraviglioso

Thanks for your post and thanks for all the responses. This was a great first read this morning to remind me to not give in to that voice.

VikingGF

Every time I think this way, I remember that each time I went back, it was a more desperate, increasingly uncontrolled type of drinking as my need grew stronger. To the point that it scared me, because it was a complete loss of so much of my will. I hope these memories remain enough to keep me from going back again.

SonomaGal

Every time I catch myself thinking about drinking moderately I trick my AV by saying how about you think about this when you get 1 year sober? Now that I'm getting closer to a year, I say how about we think about that at 2 years? Lately I've been toying with the idea of changing my saying to 5 years, since statistically very few ever relapse after 5 years...

My other foolproof method is to think the drinking fantasy through to a raging hangover, and the devastation of starting over at Day 1.