Addicted voice
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
I remember hearing this at a meeting...a guy there said that if he were to relapse, it wouldn't be while drinking a dirty martini at a piano. He said he'd be locked in a dark room, half naked with a 1.75 liter bottle of vodka, watching a Law & Order: SVU rerun marathon. I nearly did a spit take with my coffee. He described me perfectly! I've long since lost the ability to drink like a lady so you better believe that there wouldn't be anything glamorous about my relapse. Well, I've had a few and they've all been the same. Ugly, lonely, sad, scared and sick.
No martinis with the girls for me! No margarita on Cinco de Mayo. Because if I go out for martinis, I have to pregame to avoid drinking too much in public. No margaritas because I'd have to buy a pitcher all for myself and I'd end up doing shots with random people at the bar until I throw up in my shoes and end up waking up the next morning with fear, regret and a huge black hole where my memory should be. No, my drinking isn't casual. It isn't social. It's desperate. If I'm drinking, I'm drinking. That's the central focus of my life. I may still look okay but all of my motives are on what I need to do to maintain my drinking and not call attention to the fact that I'm falling apart, that my sanity is breaking.
I've tried relapse a few times. It's always the same sad song and dance. At least now, I have the honesty to know what happens should I drink. I value my serenity too much to risk it. It doesn't matter if I get drunk. One intentional drink is all it takes to break my serenity and I can't have that. I've tasted the sweet life and it's non-alcoholic. I am no longer willing to live any other way now.
No martinis with the girls for me! No margarita on Cinco de Mayo. Because if I go out for martinis, I have to pregame to avoid drinking too much in public. No margaritas because I'd have to buy a pitcher all for myself and I'd end up doing shots with random people at the bar until I throw up in my shoes and end up waking up the next morning with fear, regret and a huge black hole where my memory should be. No, my drinking isn't casual. It isn't social. It's desperate. If I'm drinking, I'm drinking. That's the central focus of my life. I may still look okay but all of my motives are on what I need to do to maintain my drinking and not call attention to the fact that I'm falling apart, that my sanity is breaking.
I've tried relapse a few times. It's always the same sad song and dance. At least now, I have the honesty to know what happens should I drink. I value my serenity too much to risk it. It doesn't matter if I get drunk. One intentional drink is all it takes to break my serenity and I can't have that. I've tasted the sweet life and it's non-alcoholic. I am no longer willing to live any other way now.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Identifying and separating from that voice can allow you to end the cycle of addiction. Have you ever read about AVRT? The technique has proven effective for many in shutting up that voice. I tried moderation after 10 happy years without alcohol. I quickly became readdicted and after 7 years ended up in the psych ward and almost lost it all. If I knew then what I know now I would never have been duped by the voice. Keep moving forward to a better life. You can do this!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Staffordshire UK
Posts: 514
The problem that I've got is I'm not interested in drinking in moderation, its never apealled to me at all. I can't even try to convince myself that that's where I want to be. When I was drinking all that I wanted to do was to get hammered out of my brain. In all honesty though I'm happy that those days are gone.
Congrats on 50 days!
Congrats on 50 days!
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
Posts: 2,306
I just wanted to be buzzed all the time and still succeed at/in life. It never happened and never will--Charlie Sheen appears to be doing it but we all know better. Addiction only wants my whole life and I've given it enough. The AV only tells lies--seductive, crafty, "new-and-improved", etc. They all have one thing in common- getting my "I don't drink!" self engaged in a debate. "I don't drink!" is not debate-able or open to investigation. My AV moves on quickly when looked in the eye and dismissed with prejudice. Yours will too. Best wishes and congrats on 50+ days!
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 596
Originally Posted by Bruno1979 
The problem that I've got is I'm not interested in drinking in moderation, its never apealled to me at all. I can't even try to convince myself that that's where I want to be. When I was drinking all that I wanted to do was to get hammered out of my brain. In all honesty though I'm happy that those days are gone.
Congrats on 50 days!
Congrats on 50 days!
My AV never goes at me with the "you could just have 1 or 2 this time" line of attack, it usually settles on "you could get loaded this one night, no big deal, then be sober again after that." Complete lie anyway, if I took a drink right now, I'd be drunk for 4 days. No thanks!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
The periodic (or binge) alcoholic
Originally Posted by landminesgirl
So....my mind is trying to make me think that means I don't have a problem. But I know I do - I can't have just one.
•The five o'clock alcoholic doesn't take a drink until after work-never touches the stuff before five -- then drinks continuously until passing out.
•The periodic (or binge) alcoholic can go for long stretches of time without touching a drop. Then comes a binge that can last days or weeks or months.
•The maintenance alcoholic finds ways to sip all day long, to keep just enough alcohol in the blood.
In short, there is no "typical" alcoholic that serves as a standard by which other alcoholics are measured.
The only thing they have in common is that, sooner or later, they all have serious life problems related to their drinking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 88
You all are awesome - this is why I came back here. This addiction thing is really something, isn't it? I know everyone is different but I wonder if I'll ever stop feeling so vulnerable to "the next drink", if that makes sense. I'm not really white knuckling it, I don't have physical cravings. More social ones. But there are times I feel like at any moment I'm susceptible to giving in. Will that get better? Love you all, so supportive!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 88
Originally Posted by Bruno1979
The problem that I've got is I'm not interested in drinking in moderation, its never apealled to me at all. I can't even try to convince myself that that's where I want to be. When I was drinking all that I wanted to do was to get hammered out of my brain. In all honesty though I'm happy that those days are gone. Congrats on 50 days!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 88
Originally Posted by DisplacedGRITS
I remember hearing this at a meeting...a guy there said that if he were to relapse, it wouldn't be while drinking a dirty martini at a piano. He said he'd be locked in a dark room, half naked with a 1.75 liter bottle of vodka, watching a Law & Order: SVU rerun marathon. I nearly did a spit take with my coffee. He described me perfectly! I've long since lost the ability to drink like a lady so you better believe that there wouldn't be anything glamorous about my relapse. Well, I've had a few and they've all been the same. Ugly, lonely, sad, scared and sick. No martinis with the girls for me! No margarita on Cinco de Mayo. Because if I go out for martinis, I have to pregame to avoid drinking too much in public. No margaritas because I'd have to buy a pitcher all for myself and I'd end up doing shots with random people at the bar until I throw up in my shoes and end up waking up the next morning with fear, regret and a huge black hole where my memory should be. No, my drinking isn't casual. It isn't social. It's desperate. If I'm drinking, I'm drinking. That's the central focus of my life. I may still look okay but all of my motives are on what I need to do to maintain my drinking and not call attention to the fact that I'm falling apart, that my sanity is breaking. I've tried relapse a few times. It's always the same sad song and dance. At least now, I have the honesty to know what happens should I drink. I value my serenity too much to risk it. It doesn't matter if I get drunk. One intentional drink is all it takes to break my serenity and I can't have that. I've tasted the sweet life and it's non-alcoholic. I am no longer willing to live any other way now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 88
Originally Posted by SonomaGal
Every time I catch myself thinking about drinking moderately I trick my AV by saying how about you think about this when you get 1 year sober? Now that I'm getting closer to a year, I say how about we think about that at 2 years? Lately I've been toying with the idea of changing my saying to 5 years, since statistically very few ever relapse after 5 years... My other foolproof method is to think the drinking fantasy through to a raging hangover, and the devastation of starting over at Day 1.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 88
Originally Posted by VikingGF
Every time I think this way, I remember that each time I went back, it was a more desperate, increasingly uncontrolled type of drinking as my need grew stronger. To the point that it scared me, because it was a complete loss of so much of my will. I hope these memories remain enough to keep me from going back again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 88
Originally Posted by Meraviglioso
Thanks for your post and thanks for all the responses. This was a great first read this morning to remind me to not give in to that voice.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Yes, I experienced that, for forty years I experienced that. All I can say is that if you focus on some kind of recovery program and seek the help of others in recovery, that addicted voice gets fainter and fainter. At least that was how it was for me. But I often caved in and kidded myself that "one glass of wine" would not hurt and when I did that and seemed to feel O.K. I'd up it to two next time and before I knew it I was back on the slippery slope. As the years went on the slippery slope got steeper and more slippery. The last time I relapsed, 26 years ago, I was in the hospital only six days after taking my first drink. Just one drink was never enough and it was also too much!
W.
W.
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