unease7

Hi everyone, from what I've read on here so far I know we all have such similar situations I feel like we could finish each others sentences. I've been avoiding telling my situation I guess because I don't even know where to begin but gotta start some where so here it goes. I've been married for 19 years highschool sweethearts married after graduation my AH has always been somewhat controlling I'm starting to realize this as I look back on our realationship. Four years ago my AH father passed away and he began drinking more and more then it became whiskey instead of beer and that's when I really started noticing changes in his behavior I told him that it needed to stop that it turns him into a different person and it makes me and kids uncomfortable. Nothing changed other than getting progressively worse he had 3rd degree burns covering his arm from wrist to elbow from being drunk while cooking I was in such denile I didn't put the 2 together he went to a friends one night and I knew he was gonna be drinking so when it got late me and kids just went to bed he got hm 1:00 am wk me started telling me I didn't love him because I didn't call and wasn't worried I went to sleep with kids so that's why he stayed so late and drank so much because I had broke his heart by not caring. This was just one of many episode of same crap it got to drinking a large bottle of whiskey a day, I was running late leaving wk one day and he told our 8yr old daughter I wasn't coming home and didnt love them anymore she was crying so hard she couldn't even talk when I did get home he was in the bathroom shaving and acted as of nothing had happened he also made our 10yr old daughter cry on her birthday by telling her to go away and leave him alone due to her asking dad how are you gonna get home she was worried about him driving himself because he couldn't even hold his head up or keep his eyes open after this I finally let my family know what was going on my mom started taking me to Alanon i told him the whiskey had to stop now or me and kids were gone. Now he says only drinks beer but he still treats me bad he is not the father he once was never really apologized to the kids for any of this. He has said sorry to me but says doesn't remember any of these things he is very defensive says I keep bringing up the past but he still treats me the same way only thing that changed is what he drinks so its not the past its the present. He sleeps all day while I'm at wk with kids being out of school for the summer he was on weekends off during week and I take kids to my moms he gets mad and I said you sleep all day they need to be with some one who will fix them things to eat and take care of them he doesn't see what difference it makes if he is awake or not? Also made fun of me for going to Alanon made fun of my book mom gave me from alanon . He says my father died and I became an alcoholic so I'm just the big *******! Can any body offer opinions or advice? He is very good at manipulating me trying to make me feel as though I have done something wrong. He goes thru my phone and purse he accuses me of cheating (like I would have time) he even evesdropes on me and my daughters conversations he is very paranoid. Sorry this is so long but this is only a small portion of my situation I just need some options on all of this. Thanks to anyone who reads this I know it long.

honeypig

unease, welcome to SR. I hope you find the help you need here. A good starting place would be to read as much as you can here, and make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. I found this thread from the stickies particularly useful as a newcomer, and maybe you will too: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

I'd also recommend Alanon for some face-to-face support. SR is a wonderful community, but there is something about real live people right across the room from you that an online forum can't replicate. A combination of SR and Alanon has worked well for me and maybe would for you also.

Your AH doesn't seem to be interested in stopping his alcohol use in the least, and you really can't force him to, as you've already seen. Since you can't change him, any changes are going to have to come from you, however unfair that may seem.

You've also got the kids to think about. You've detailed 2 heartbreaking instances of the pain he causes them. In your shoes, I think I'd be considering how I could get free and start a new life w/my kids, free of the A and his abuse (and it IS abuse, make no mistake). Your decisions are your own, and will come in your own time, but please do consider the impact of living w/his alcoholism on your daughters as well as on yourself.

Wishing you strength and clarity as you start your journey.

DesertEyes

Hello unease7, and pleased to "meet" you

I was married 20 years when my ex started on the pills and the affairs. I have a friend who was married 35 before his ex did the same thing.

My ex never got burned like that, but there were plenty of other situations where I just closed my mind to the reality of the problem. I know exactly what you mean when you say that.

Awesome that you are going to Alanon. My personal opinion is that Alanon _rocks_, I have found it to be a fantastic source of hope and information.

That is _exactly_ what my ex would say. She was right, I did bring up _her_ past a lot. It took me awhile but I also realized that it did absolutely no good to do that. I was just trying to get her to realize the harm she was doing to herself and to our marriage. Alanon showed me a lot of better approaches to dealing with her addiction.

What helped me the most was to learn about the disease of addiction. There was so much that I doing as a reaction to my _feelings_, instead of doing as part of a plan based on information and knowledge. As HoneyPig said, there's tons of great info at the top of this forum in the "Sticky" threads.

Alanon was also a huge help. Like you said in your post, I met so many people that were going thru almost the same problems I was. Listening to them share what worked and what did not work was priceless.

No worries, that is the whole reason SoberRecovery is here, write all you want.

I know what you mean. Addiction made a mess of my marriage and my life. I think that loving someone who is struggling with addiction has to be one of the most horrible things that can happen in life. For me it was the absolute worst that I have ever dealt with.

By the way, welcome to SoberRecovery. I am so sorry you had to find us, but I hope you find some answers and some hope here.

Mike